Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Infertility Support

I have had an out pour of emails regarding infertility support...some wanting on my infertility support tab--others wanting to know good forums to help communicate with infertility couples.

IF you are not under my infertility tab for either 'support in trying to conceive' OR 'a success story' AND YOU WANT TO BE---either leave your information in the comment section below or send me an email to tapifer@grandecom.net

IF you know of another website that you love to go to that helps you cope with your infertility, a chat room-forum-research website-book-ANYTHING ... leave it in my comment section or email it to me and I will compile a list and post them.

So many infertiles have been on this road for years...others are just starting down this difficult path. I remember back when we first started trying I couldn't find anything online for the longest time--I felt so alone (and still do at times today!)  Finally I flocked to a few websites-- iampregnant.com, fertilityfriend.com and www.twoweekwait.com . I found life time friends on these websites whom I still talk to today--although I don't get on any of these sites anymore and haven't for awhile they helped me so much in the begining! 

So if you have anything you want to share that has helped you throughout this journey--please leave it in the comment section or email it to me and I will compile a post shortly!

<3

Friday, July 22, 2011

Feeling Forgotten

I feel like this is deja vu--I've had these feelings many of times; and especially lately. 

Maybe it's me? Maybe I am just supposed to assume that my friends and family will still pop in every so often to check on me...maybe it's my fault and I am being selfish. Maybe I should be completely over things and not be sad every now and then...maybe I'm being to emotional?!

I just feel alone at times (until I open up blogger and see so many blogger friends in my same situation). I feel like my family and friends only stand by my side during the exciting times-such as going through the actual cycles--but right now when I am struggling on certain days they are no where to be found. At times I pick up the phone to call my family or friends just to hear a voice hoping they might say 'were still thinking of you'...but I hang up before hitting send because I want oh so bad for there call to be on there behalf-not mine. 

Sometimes I feel like screaming off the rooftops 'I STILL NEED YOU' but then if they all come running it won't be the same as if they came on there own...

And then I go back to blaming myself for being selfish again--should I still need them? Why is this so hard? Maybe it's all me? Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I could pop straight into another cycle...but I can't. Instead I'm left reminiscing about our failed cycle--I don't know where I would be in that cycle, so often I wonder and try to figure it out, but stop myself because I don't want to know. At times I want to forget like everyone else has seemed to do, but I can't. 

I have never been one to hide my feelings inside--esp. from my close friends and family! But here lately I have been--I feel so alone, and like I am supposed to be 100% ok now...some of my own CLOSE family hasn't called me in weeks--my heart is sad and I honestly just want it to smile ALL day again. 

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post--please don't think I am 'depressed' I do live a happy life, and I am so blessed for my husband who continues to put a huge smile on my face every day--but it hurts when your close family and friends have seemed to have forgotten about you--and again, maybe it's my fault for not being over things yet?!

::SIGH::

Friday, July 15, 2011

Why?

If you ever need a surrogate, I'll happily be one...

Why don't you just adopt...

If you stop trying it will happen, it did with us...

Just get drunk, then it will happen...

Your trying extremely too hard, just give it up...

Want to borrow my kids for the weekend, after that you will change your mind about wanting children...

Your still so young, enjoy life kid free...

JUST RELAX...

Your not infertile, you just need a break...

Get one of your friends to carry your baby for you...

It's just not your time...

WHY must people feel the need to put there foot in there mouth...WHY must comments such as the above hurt SO bad? 

After 5 years of trying to conceive our first child we HAVE relaxed, we have went on SEVERAL breaks, we have considered adoption and surrogacy (just because we haven't acted upon these, does not mean there not in the back of our minds). We DON'T want to borrow YOUR kids, we want to have our own...but thanks for asking! I'm sure many of our friends would be more than willing to carry our baby, but I would like the opportunity to carry my own child...we are young-but frankly age doesn't matter, when your ready your ready!! I'm so glad that you got pregnant when you stopped trying, but the stork DIDN'T visit us in the 2 year break we had...and after 5 years of trying to conceive and being diagnosed INFERTILE by a Reproductive Endocrinology, I beg to differ--we don't 'just need a break'!

I understand your only trying to be nice, and you don't know what else to say...but in a situation like this it helps so much more to just sit and listen to US TALK, give us a hug, let us know you are there...do anything BUT say any of the above. We are still grieving the lose of our 2 little beans, this is harder than anything we have experienced...all we ask is that you please be sensitive.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Our Defining Ripples..


It started out as a pebble. . .  infertility that is.

Months went by without a pregnancy..it felt like I was dropping a pebble into water, which fogged my view to the biggest desire I've ever held--to become a mother!

But as the months continued to pass-Zach and I jumped over more and more milestones...our little pebble that we were carrying around turned into a huge rock--no longer was my vision only fogged; the ripples in the water became not only recongnizable to Zach and I, but now our friends and family could see our pain and desire to be parents. 

Here within the last few months it feels as though my rock has now turned into a boulder.
There is no denying how far the ripples stretch out, how much of the water is disturbed, and how long it takes to get the water to find its natural rhythm again--there is no denying our pain.

Infertility has had a direct impact on all areas of our life.  It has infiltrated everything. The pain and emotional stress, not to mention the physical toll...all are symbolic of the ripples created when something comes crashing into water.  Although we try, at times it's hard to keep the ripples in control. At times the weight of infertility increases on our hearts and it feels as though the ripples are drowning us out.

Each failed cycle it gets more and more difficult to settle the water.  It takes longer to find the peace.

I have come to terms with the fact that I can not control the size of the ripples, I can’t reign them in or act like they don’t exist.  And I don’t necessarily have control over the weight of this difficult time. The ripples have infiltrated, yes.  But they have also expanded me way beyond what I ever thought possible- and I don’t want to reign that in.

Everyone's ripples in life help to define them as a human being. Although at times our ripples seem never ending, I try to see the beauty in the artwork that it leaves. Regardless of the weight of the rock I hold, I have to find a way to skip that rock- allowing infertility to bounce off of the surface once in awhile. 

Monday, July 11, 2011

Reality Show Junkie

Who watches BIG BROTHER or BACHELORETT?!

I admit, I am a reality show junkie!! I love them!!

On Big Brother, I am defiantly a Jeff and Jordan fan, so I was thrilled to see them walk back in the door!! And on Bachelorette I'm lovin' JP!! If you watch either show I'd love to hear your input!!! Who do you dislike/love?! Who do you think is going to win?

GOOD NEWS--I start back at my old job next Monday...so NO MORE liquidation for me!! I am off all this week, its nice having a little time off, I laid out a little bit today, going to spend the day with my mom one day...everything that's been neglected in my house is finally getting cleaned! :)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Whats new with us?

Not a whole lot actually...

We have stayed pretty busy with work and on our days off. Work has been a nightmare; we are liquidating everything, and I am job searching like non-other! If I had a penny for every time someone asked me the sale prices (although they are plastered on the 500 signs hanging from the ceilings) I could retire now! Zach's job has been crazy busy as well--he has been working 12+ hour days; I am exhausted from my 8-9 hour day, and here he is working double that...I am so proud of everything he does for us! He is such a hard worker, and amazing hubby! 

Thankfully within the past month we have been busy on our days off as well...maybe this is God's way of keeping our minds off of things....

When I do get a free moment and time to even think, I have to admit that's all I think about...I know with time the pain will disappear completely and I will just be left with the memories we made along the way. In the mean time I am thankful that we are busy!!

We have been thinking and talking about alot of options lately, one that is weighing heavily on our heart...we will see where that takes us-God has a path painted perfectly with our name on it, and we are just praying for guidance on which path to take!
We have had an out pour of emails within the last 2 weeks; I promise I WILL respond to everyone, so please don't think I am ignoring you...I just have an inbox full of sweet messages from y'all :)

The Pifer Family
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