The Pifer's Journey

Gah' I'm Old

2012-02-02T07:00:00.001-06:00

Today I am 28

My 10 year highschool reunuin is in June!

10 years I have been out of highschool!

I am only 2 years away from 30!

I went to Clinque the other day and stocked up on all sorts of anti aging products--call me crazy--but I am just preparing. Maybe it's age, maybe it's our infertility journey--but I find new gray hairs and new wrinkles every day...NOT COOL! So I guess hair dye and anti Clinque will be my best friends for a while :)

Gah' I'm old....

Ughhhhh

2012-01-29T09:56:00.000-06:00

That best describes how I feel at the moment :(

Since Tuesday I have felt bad, Wednesday I started a little pesty cough...Thursday it got a little worse...Friday it increased and Saturday it was awful.

I had to work Saturday-and throughout the day I just kept feeling weaker and weaker...

On my way home I went to the Treat n Go clinic that I pass on my way home from work--I have never been to an urgent care clinic, but it's not so bad!!

I have been diagnosed with Bronchitis---BUMMER!! She stated my lungs sound a little 'junky' but it's not quite pneumonia! PHEW!!

I came straight home, literally was crawled in bed by 7:30---woke up at 8am, ate me a cinnamon roll and now I am back in bed--sounds fun huh?

I feel awwwfull :(

Life is Fragile...

2012-01-21T12:38:00.000-06:00

Zach expierenced a moment that will stay for him with the rest of his life--a moment that can haunt you.

Yesterday Zach found a man (co-worker at a distant branch) in there work truck passed away--

The guy had a massive heart attack in his truck--Zach went up to check on him as most thought he was 'napping before his long trip back to his branch'---Zach said his gut instinct told him something was seriously wrong, when he opened the door he shook the guy and just thought to his self 'please wake up...' Zach checked his pulse, said it was very cold and his face blue, so Zach ran in to call 911...once the ambulance got there they confirmed he had passed.

He handled the situation so great-I am proud of how great he handled it. However when he got with me I could tell how shaken up he was--all he kept telling me was 'I just wish he would have woken up'..

Please keep this gentleman's family in your prayers-such a hard time to go through.

Say a little prayer for Zach as well as he continues to replay the situation in his head-

On a side note, we found out that my sweet friend Lorri's cancer is incurable, right now they are trying to determine the best pain management to make her comfortable-we have no idea 'how bad' things are at this time. Please keep her family in your prayers.

Sometimes it seems like your surrounded by bad things happening...

'Life is fragile, Handle with Prayer'

Needing Prayers

2012-01-19T16:58:00.000-06:00

I am asking for as many prayers as I can possibly get for a very sweet and dear friend of mine.

A couple ears ago she was diagnosed with MS...a couple months ago she defeated breast cancer, had a double mastectomy/chemo and tomorrow (Friday) would have been her VERY last day for radiation.

She was rushed to the hospital last night due to pain--the results were far from good news.

A CT scan was done and they found that her cancer has spread and metastasized into her liver and lumbar spinal cord. Two of her vertebrae have cancer cells in the bone, as well as her lungs. We don't know what's going to happen.

Today she went to the oncologist, he was really concerned about the results of her CT scan, so he scheduled her for urgent MRIs of her throax, cervical region, lumbar region and general spine... then multiple x-rays of her torso and pelvis area... and tomorrow she has a PET scan. They're trying to narrow down the diagnosis and see how bad things really are.

I am asking for prayers, lots and lots of prayers.

Lorri is an amazing women, one of my greatest friends. She is in her mind 40's (very young) she has one daughter whom is really concerned naturally about her mom. PLEASE pray for Lorri and her whole family.

I would greatly appreciate it.

Iphone Fun

2012-01-16T08:54:00.001-06:00

I realize I have probably became the worst blogger EVER—it seems that no matter how hard we try-life will not slow down!

One downfall is my laptop has finally CRASHED—I knew it wouldn’t be long, it seems as though that poor thing is ancient! We have a desktop but I hardly ever have time to come in the office and do much of anything, so he bought me a netbook so I can do my blogging and surfing the internet at night in the living room with him :)

Here are a few iphone pics I took within the last week-two…

I have been wanting a ‘fur vest’ since they became popular, well this gal finally has one!

My sleepy Steeler fan just couldn’t stay awake to watch us lose our chance to the Superbowl, can’t say I blame him..I wish I was able to sleep as well…I died all of my highlights out of my hair, back to al ’natural.

Probably my favorite 2 items recently. I have had the bracelet (got it where I work) it’s monogramed with our initials and wedding date on the back, however I had our jeweler solder the very first present Zach ever got me onto it…I just don’t where many necklaces, and it sat in my jewelery box, I love how it turned out! Now I can wear it every day! And I finally joined the ‘Keurig Club’ haha…I am in LOVE!

If you are able to get your hands on Chocolate Shop wine, I suggest you try it…IT’S AMAZING! Taste like a chocolate covered cherry if that’s something you like, you will love this wine!—and my sweet Ginger decided she loves strawberries—:)

Zach and I went to the Alamo Bowl to watch our Baylor Bears WIN the championship, it was amazing!!!

I have to end with a picture of my co-workers…they are truly amazing! They make getting up every day worth it! It’s just us and we are like family, I am truly blessed I was able to go back to work here and have such a wonderful job!

As far as life in general…it’s good at the moment :) I have no complainants. I have a feeling this will be a good year, no matter the outcome…God is GREAT!

Our Crazy Beautiful Life

2012-01-06T20:39:00.000-06:00

Life doesn't slow down, ever! Even if youw want it too...

I caught y'all up with my husband and his wreck--

But I haven't update y'all on what we have done the past few weeks..so here is a real fast forward...

I of course have been working 6-7 days a week--our Christmas was busy-a little rushed unfortuantly due to little time off from work, but it was great--Zach nor I have really done alot each other present wise for a long time, we have always saved our money vs. doing presents, but this year Zach spoiled me--he IS the sweetest, and I am very blessed---Our New Years was great! We didn't do a thing, we sat at home, made a fire outback and had perfect closure to a not so great year...throughout all of this my sweet Grandma fell and broke her leg :( and my moms health is always a struggle...it seems like it's always something---she recently went to the Dr and they believe she has had a couple more mini strokes, so they are sending her to her brain Dr, who will hopefully give us more information soon...WE did manage to squeeze in going to the Alamo Bowl to watch our Baylor Bears play and WIN! Talk about AMAZING!!

Thats a 'fastforward' of our life, haha!!

I do want to thank ya'll for all the sweet emails and comments I recieved today, the prayers and the support mean so much to me and Zach!!

'The best is yet to come 2012'

Instagram

2012-01-06T06:56:00.002-06:00

Do you have instagram? If so I wanna know!! <3

Look me up! (tpifer)

I have a new addiction...

It's a NEW YEAR

2012-01-01T11:16:00.000-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR

First let me apologize for being MIA lately, we ended 2011 in a BANG---a not so great bang.

About 2 weeks ago, my husband went on a hunting trip with a friend, I have been working Saturday and Sundays, so he figured it would be the perfect time to go away for the weekend to go hunt...Sunday arrived and I got up to go to work like normal--about a couple hours later I received a horrible phone call from my husband telling me he was in a horrible car accident and his truck was totaled.

I knew in my heart with him calling me 'he was ok'...but he was 2+ hours away and I wanted him in my arms now! He wouldn't share many details of the wreck over the phone--one being because there were paramedics, firemen, police officers and news crews all around him...when I finally met up with him I realized why he wouldn't share details; it's a PURE MIRACLE he survived that horrible accident. There were a total of 5 cars involved, all because one lady wasn't paying attention and went sideways on the road...my husband walked away with severely bruised legs and his passenger walked away with a concussion...it could have been much worse, and for that I am so beyond grateful!

It's moments like those that you realize your whole life, everything you love and adore could be gone in a blink of an eye...you truly do not know what tomorrow holds. I am so thankful that God was watching down on my husband and his friend during that moment...cling onto your loved ones, because you never know when God will call them home!

SOO---as you can imagine we have been dealing with insurance companies and getting a new truck for Zach RIGHT in the middle of the Christmas holiday, and if things couldn't get worse the day after Zach's wreck we found out a sweet friend of ours passed away unexpectedly ...so needless to say, the past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind!

I AM READY FOR THIS NEW YEAR!!!

We haven't had the best of years, lets face it...it was probably one of our worst...we have had so much
heartache, so many bumps in the road and many obstacles thrown in our face this year...but we are STILL STANDING!!!

We have many new adventures planned for this year, were taking a huge step and praying that this is the plan that God has in store for us! We are praying that 2012 is a HUGE year for us...although no one knows what tomorrow holds, more less a whole year...I pray that 2012 is much better than 2011...and I pray the same for y'all...

I hope you all have a blessed year. I realized in 2011 if I can make it though all that we have been through, I can make it through anything...We will never give up, or lose faith in our dreams! It's a NEW year, for NEW beginnings!! Don't ever go a day without expressing your love to the ones you love the most, tomorrow is not a guarentee.

HAPPY 2012

Life with Iphone Pics

2011-12-16T06:44:00.000-06:00

I realize I haven’t posted pictures on my blog in about…FOREVER! I have just updated y’all with events going on…so I thought I would share some photos with you all backing from October (to catch up) I will try to update y’all on 'Iphone pics’ more frequently. (I’ve tried to get them in order, but it wasn’t happening…so sorry about the out of order-ness)

Ash and I supporting or Baylor Bears! Zach and I got season tickets this year and went to EVERY home game! We are very proud of our Bears and very proud of RG3 for winning the Heisman!

More BAYLOR BEAR PICS!

We tried to take a picture at every game…

there was one game it rained the whole time, so no picture was captured…

LOVING OUR BAYLOR BEARS!!

Setting up for Christmas time…loving my new chunky picture frames!

And as you know we took our family photos

Went to Branson, MO and went zip lining with Zach’s family!

Snuggling on the couch with my sweet Ginger girl!

Zach got a new pair of Cowboy boots and Ginger had to try them on

Of course the last 3 months have consisted of many meds with me being so sick

Thanksgiving Day heading to my family’s house…

Me Ziplining like a pro!

Being goofy traveling!

And last but not least, Zach zip lining…doing his Heisman move that he predicted RG3 would win!!!

Ear Update & Christmas Presents

2011-12-14T06:27:00.000-06:00

I had my appointment with my ENT yesterday....turns out I have a cyst deep down in my ear which is causing all of my pain. Although the ER stated my infection and my inner ear problems were not connected and purely coincidental, my ENT said they are very well connected. In fact my primary kept connecting it to my sinus infections and that he was was just coincidental, not connected at all.

Turns out the infection in my ear is the cyst way of wanting to heal...he is hoping after a month on my medicine my cyst will be gone. However if that's not the case, the only other way to remove it is surgery.

I am just glad to know what is going on and hope the pain starts getting better.

On another note....CHRISTMAS!!

I am having a hard time getting everyone's gifts this year....is it just me?? I feel like there isn't anything 'new' out that I haven't given to people before...I'm a manager at a jeweler y store, everyone should be set in stone and covered right?? WRONG! I am normally the person who is almost done Christmas shopping by September or October...I hit up all the 75% off sales after Christmas and store them away until the following Christmas...I found a few things last year, but not a whole lot....and with me working 6-7 days a week it's hard to find time to actually shop....My sweet husband went out on Black Friday for me to find me some great deals since I was unable to do so this year due to work...but I am no where near done with Christmas just a couple weeks away!

PANIC ATTACK!

Please tell me I am not alone!!! :)

Scary Moment

2011-12-08T13:52:00.000-06:00

I had a pretty scary moment Tuesday night..

Let me back track a little by reminding those who may have forgotten I have been struggling with fluid behind my eardrum for roughly 3-4 months...my appointment with the ENT is next Tuesday...I have good days with my ear and bad days. Well Tuesday all day I kept mentioning how bad my ear was hurting, I remember apologizing to my co-workers for having to listen to me grip so much about it that day. I however never touched my ear nor did I look at it (I had no reason to think I needed too, I just associated the pain with my earaches.)

Well Tuesday night I go to pull up my hair to wash my face and my left ear is bright red and appears to have several blister type things on it (I will spare the details here as they are not pleasant)...I knew in my gut something wasn't right and that my ear looked extremely infected...I told Zach to take me to the urgent care down the road hoping it would still be open so I wouldn't have to go to the ER. However they were closed, so off to the ER we went...

When they were registering me my blood pressure spiked to 200/90---I sat for a little longer and they checked it again, it went down a little to 185/87...they were still concerned so they got me to a room ASAP.

Long story short they took many cultures of my ear (OUCH!)--they believed it was Staph and were nervous with it being so close to my brain...I sat in there for hours until my blood pressure went down , they associated my high blood pressure with the pain I was in due to my infection.

I was sent home with strict orders, wash sheets every day, come in if my fever spikes...all the precautionary things in case it was the worse case scenario.

I got the call from the hospital today that I do NOT have staph or anything else contagious, I just have a really severe skin infection which with my antibiotics will go away! THANK GOD!

Needless to say the past couple days haven't been to pleasant on my end, it was pretty scary!

Thank God for nothing serious!

Breaking Points...

2011-12-04T15:14:00.000-06:00

The past few weeks have been rough. I feel as though I'm on verge of a breaking point. Alots going on in life, I'm working 6-7 days a week through the holidays...my moms having some rough moments with her health and I feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders...

It doesn't help that this week will mark the 6th year since my Pepa passed away, and I can't help but think about my little beans we lost this year. This has been a rough year all around, one that at times I wish I could just forget but at times I want to always remember...a year that will be imbedded in my heart forever.

I know that God places us in 'storms' for a reason, I know that 'storms' pass within time, and I do know and believe that after every storm there is a rainbow...

As I was crying and praying the other night, Zach interrupted me and said 'don't pray for an easy life Tiffany, Pray to be a stronger women' He is so right! At times I catch myself praying for things to be 'fair' or for things to get 'easier' when I should really be praying for strength to go through these storms. After all I was placed in these storms for a reason.

God knows my limits, and I must not act like he is pushing me to break...I should just trust that he will catch me if I fall.

Christmas time is near…

2011-11-28T13:48:00.001-06:00

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Can you believe that Christmas is just around the corner? Where in the world did this year go? I have been working 6 days a week and starting this week I will be working 7 straight days, granted my Sundays are only 4 hour days—but still, that’s a long time with no break between!

SO, if I am quite within the next few weeks, please forgive me…this gal’ is wore out!

I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving!!

Thankful-Weather

2011-11-18T07:00:00.000-06:00

We had a CRAZY summer this year, very hot! 60+ consecutive days at 100+ I believe...

I am very thankful for cooler weather! In TX we don't have much of a winter, we may see a small amount of snow if were lucky!

But it's been so nice bundling up in blankets (I wish sitting by a fireplace-don't have one) I can't wait to make chili in the crock-pot along with all of our other winter recipes. This time of the year is one of my favorites!

So thankful for the crisp air <3

Thankful-Life in General

2011-11-15T07:00:00.000-06:00

Life can be hard at times, not everything is picture perfect---but this is MY life, and I am extremely blessed and thankful! I am thankful for the many groups of people who have prayed for our family, even some we haven’t ever met in person! ‘Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting’…you all will never know how extremely thankful I am for y’all! I once read somewhere to ‘Be thankful for what you have, you’ll end up having more…if you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough!’ God’s plan for us, and each of you, is so very special…this plan was created for us long before we were born…I know each of us would have changed a few things given we were the option to plan our own life…however this is beyond our control. Sitting here looking back there are so many things I have overcome, so many people I have met, so many wonderful memories with friends and family, and all because of this journey…so although I wouldn’t have picked this plan out myself, I am so thankful God did! Thank you God, for this good life, thank you God for all the blessing and the abundance in my life!

I catch myself many of times counting my blessings and thanking God for my amazing life…but it’s not many days I remember to thank others in my life for being there and being there for me! This year has been one of the hardest through this journey, however it was one of the best as well…I want to personally thank all of my blog readers. You ladies/gentlemen never seize to amaze me…I never in a million years would have expected my boring ol’ life to bring so many friendships my way! I am so thankful for our emails, I am so thankful for the prayers you give my family and I am so thankful for all the sweet comments that you all leave me! I’m beyond grateful for y’all!

This Thanksgiving Season, let's remember what we truly have to be thankful for. Let's take a good, hard look around us and realize that while we may not have everything we want, what we want is not always what we need.

Thankful-Starbucks

2011-11-11T07:00:00.002-06:00

YES, you heard that right....Starbucks! I am thankful for this little cup of heaven!

Whether it's my holiday favorites, or my vanilla latte, or the numerous of other flavors-I am thankful for the magic placed in this cup. I could be in an awful mood, be having the worst day, but the moment this cup is in my hand I have a smile on my face :)

Oh Starbucks...what was life like without you :)

Thankful-Friends

2011-11-10T07:00:00.002-06:00

A true friend is the greatest of all blessings!

Over the years I have been blessed with some amazing friends. I am so grateful and so thankful for the the friendships we have. Call me biased but I believe I have some of the greatest :)

When you hit a speed bump in your life, you quickly learn who your true friends are and who aren't, you quickly learn how amazing your friends truly are. They are apart of our family--a true support system to Zach and I. We would be lost without them.

They send us cards in the mail to cheer us up or to just say 'hi', bring us homemade pickles because they know that's our favorite, give me my IVF shots in the mall bathroom because we lost track of time, send us sweet emails/messages throughout hard times and good, send us flowers to work or leave them on our door step as good-luck/I'm thinking of you. Our friends know what we need in the moments we need it the most, our friends may not know are particular journey but they know how to listen when we need that shoulder to cry on. We are thankful for them, each and everyone. God blessed us with amazing friends.

Thankful-Infertility

2011-11-09T07:00:00.002-06:00

I KNOW, most of my readers are probably saying 'WHAT??' at the moment....but hear me out!

Without the struggles we have encountered with infertility we wouldn't be where we are today in life. We wouldn't be as close as we are to God. Our marriage has grown extremely close throughout the 5+ years we have been trying to conceive. We don't know why God picked us for this journey, but he did and we are beyond thankful due to the personal growth in our lives.

I am thankful for all the tears that I have cried for they have taught me to appreciate laughter, and they have given me the ability to see that joy comes shortly after. Through my tears I have come to know and trust in God, how he is always there and comforts you in your sorrows. I am thankful for the storms in life that I have encountered, knowing that the rainbow is at the end. I am thankful for the peace and realization that they are only temporary storms and with time they will end.

Thankful-Puppies

2011-11-08T07:00:00.003-06:00

These 3 little doggies are so very special to us!

We are thankful for there sweet little kisses and there playfulness! They bring joy to our hearts and much laughter to our lives!

Thankful-Family

2011-11-07T07:00:00.000-06:00

God has blessed Zach and I both with AMAZING families.

Our parents, siblings, grandparents and everyone else is truly greater than great! Family is everything to Zach and I. While going through infertility we learned to lean on them more than ever as they became our ultimate support system, they became our foundation when we couldn't stand up and move forward...when we were weak they helped us smile, they taught us that life will go on and as long as we believe in Faith our prayers will be answered.

Family is truly EVERYTHING. We are Thankful for ours!

Thankful-Husband

2011-11-05T10:03:00.000-05:00

I not only married my soul mate, I married my best friend.

And for that I am beyond thankful!

Zach is my world, he loves me for me. We have had our share of hurdles throughout the years, but I am so thankful that God has chosen him for me to ride with throughout these hurdles!

He knows just how to put a smile on my face, and is my biggest support system throughout my lowest of lows...he is the light of my life!

Thankful-God

2011-11-03T13:30:00.000-05:00

I am starting a little late, however I am going to try to post (as often as I can) this month about the many things I am thankful for in life.

I have many reasons to be Thankful for our glorifying God--mostly I am so thankful for all he has blessed me with. I am so thankful that he has taught me how to be patient, and how strong he has helped me be during my toughest of tough times.

So during this Thanksgiving season, I am thankful for a loving, caring, and Big God who loves us for us!!

M.I.A

2011-10-23T13:11:00.000-05:00

Sorry that I have been M.I.A. lately...we have been busy little bees!

I hate doing 'bullet' post and feel like thats all I've done recently, but to catch you up....here is our lives in bullets!

*I was sick the whole week before last with a horrible sinus infection, I am almost 100% again, but it's still lingering around...

*Last Saturday we left for Branson, MO to meet his parents and grandparents there....we had a blast! We went ziplining (AMAZING...this was one of the scariest things I've ever done, but it was by far one of the most enjoyable things as well...), we went to so many shows--one of my favorites was Yakov Smirnoff (I thought this was just going to be mostly comedy, but it was much more than we could have imagined it would have been. The whole 2nd half was dedicated to marriage, struggles and how to keep a healthy relationship...before we knew it Zach and I, along with most of his family was in tears...this is a show I highly recommend to anyone going to Branson, esp. if your going with your spouse! We did alot of other things as well--this is a town we will be going back to several times! We enjoyed it that much!

*My mom had to have semi' emergency surgery while we were gone--that stressed me out for a whole day! She is perfectly ok, so no worries---she just had a little infection going from her last surgery-enough to concern the doctors to want to do the surgery asap! She is in a little more pain this go around due to them digging around in her lower back to make sure all of the infection is out, however she is at home relaxing doing ok!

* As most of you have seen the video in my last post we have had our family pictures done and we love every one of them! Our photographer does an amazing job--we do have another mini' session coming up soon that I am excited about due to the fact that our first session was cut short due to the rain!

* Zach and I have decided that early next year we will be doing another IVF. We however we will not be announcing it, so if you don't read this post then you likely will not know about it when it becomes closer..if you read this post consider yourself one of the few that will know about our upcoming journey. We appreciated the support more than anything our first go around, but we just want this time around to be more private...only a handful of close family and friends will know the actual date--and plus if God should choose that this time it actually works we will be able to surprise our loved ones like we have always wanted, unlike our first go around where there really is no room for surprise. I thank you all in advance for understanding and supporting us throughout everything. Means more than you know!! <3

* Other than that...we are just living our crazy-hectic-busy-beautiful life...

I do apologize for being so M.I.A and hopefully now things will be settling down and I will be able to blog more---AND if my computer will ever cooperate I will be able to post a TON of pictures! :)

Simply Beautiful

2011-10-13T09:04:00.002-05:00

Our photographer made this for us, it's simply beautiful! I love it!

COVERGIRL LashPerfection Mascara

2011-10-04T07:00:00.002-05:00

I have never been big on caking on layers and layers of makeup. However I am defiantly one who wants to wear the basics before I step outside of the house and scare our neighbors at my zombie-ish looks!

Mascara is the #1 'must have' for me...my eyelashes are pencil straight without anything!! I have struggled with many name brands in mascara (from the most expensive to the least expensive)...I want you to be able to see my eyelashes, but no need to look like I have a tarantula living on my eye! However years ago when I was still in highschool I found that COVERGIRL mascara worked wonders for my straight eyelashes, it stayed on...no fading and no tarantula eyes for me! I have been a loyal customer for years it has seemed!

So I was beyond thrilled when BlogHer asked if I would consider a review for COVERGIRL LashPerfection™!

I received the COVERGIRL LashPerfection™ mascara in the mail the day before we were heading to a local event The Cattle Barrons Ball to see Dwight Yoakam, as I was a little nervous to try out a new mascara (even being it's from COVERGIRL) I decided to go for it!

Below is a picture of one of my best friends Ashley and I at the concert--I am loving the mascara!

My husband jokes around because I was so “addicted” to my other COVERGIRL mascara (and when I say addicted, I mean ADDICTED- -I didn't go a day without wearing it!) that I was a little unsure if I would be able to convert wholeheartedly to this new one... but I have used it every single day so far! It's absolutely amazing! In fact, Zach loves it much more because of how NATURAL it is! My eyelashes are 3x as long and voluminous as they were before.

COVERGIRL LashPerfection™ is so lightweight, I have received so many compliments throughout family and friends on how natural my eyelashes look. People are complimenting me on how long they are--the formula in this mascara is so lightweight that it provides luxurious volume that helps keep lashes feeling soft and lifted--you do not have to worry about flaking like most products--and it doesn't smear or smudge either!!

I personally think all the magic is in the brush!! It seems to capture just 'enough' mascara for your eyelashes, nothing more-nothing less!!!

What would the world be without products such as COVERGIRL LashPerfection™ to make a woman feel beautiful? While we’re on the subject of make-up and looking great, you might want to check out the “Looking Your Best” posts in the Life Well Lived section of BlogHer.com. There are some great application tips and ideas for switching up your look for fall!

Want a chance to win a $50 gift card to drugstore.com? In the comments, tell me about a time when using makeup gave you the added confidence you needed for an important event in your life

Rules:

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This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older.

Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail.

You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

Enter between October 4th – November 4th

Letting Go...

2011-09-16T20:35:00.000-05:00

I've always been one to live by the saying 'Let Go and Let God'! Throughout this 5+ years I've done amazingly well with having patience with God's plan for us, I've had Faith and have done very well with Letting Go and Letting God...however since our failed IVF, I haven't Let God do much of anything due to the fact I haven't been able to Let Go!!

I think it's safe to say after 4 months I am ready to LET GO-- there is an important difference between letting go and giving up--letting go doesn't mean giving up--it just means I am ready to move on!

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned in order to accept the life that is waiting for us. Will I still think about things-YES...will I still shed tears every now and then-SURE...will the thought that I was 'a little' pregnant for a short period of time ever leave my heart-NO....but I will be ok, hurdles in life only make you stronger and I have to admit this was one of the biggest hurdles we've been through.

When one door closes another opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which are now open for us.We will eventually have another door open; I don't want to miss it due to the fact that I can't let go of the door that just closed.

God has slowly provided me strength to move forward and to let go...and that's just what we are doing!

To me...From me

2011-09-03T23:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Tiffany,

I know your pain, I know how bad your heart aches, I know more than anything you want to tell your husband that he is going to be a daddy. I know you want to be the best friend, daughter, sister, grand daughter and wife you can possibly be...but it's hard to feel your best when you feel like a failure. I understand that emptiness you have in your heart and although you live a happy life with your sweet husband you still have that hole in your heart that awaits the day it's filled with a blessing from God.

At times you forget that big picture, you forget that God trusted you with this journey...at times you feel like your being punished--but I can assure you that this will only make you and Zach stronger. It's ok to be weak at times--being weak does not make you a bad person, nor a bad wife (friend-daughter-sibling). Your dream will always defeat your reality if YOU give it a chance. Hang in there-DON'T ever give up. Cling to God, your husband and your closest support system...

Stars can't shine without darkness Tiffany! You will get through this!!

Love-Tiffany

Can I be Honest?

2011-08-26T10:12:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have been MIA for awhile--I just have had a million and one things on my mind and when I sit down to write about things, no words seem to come out.

This is a hard post for me to write. So many look at me to be 'strong' or to be inspirational, I feel like I am letting so many down by even saying this...but I am so weak right now!

Momma went to the hospital and had to stay a couple night last week--she is OK and Thank the Good Man upstairs that it was nothing to serious, but it's just so hard. I am the only child-I don't have other siblings to help me with decision or just plan and simple taking care of her--it's hard. I feel so alone and drained (emotionally and physically) at times. And just saying that following sentence makes me feel like the WORST daughter ever. I miss my 'mommy' though...for as long as I can remember I have been taking care of her--it's so selfish of me knowing her situation and knowing she would give anything to be back to her normal state of mind for me to even say--' I need her to take care of me now'...She tries so hard, and she does do a good job, but I also don't unleash all my feelings and worries and sadness to her in fear of just upsetting her even more--I hold my feelings in so much in fear of upsetting the ones I love, I don't want to be that 'debbie downer daughter/friend/spouse'...everyone tells me how strong I am and in reality I feel anything but that!

On another subject of why I feel so blue--my body still hasn't gotten back on the ~~right track~~ (well...backtrack a moment, my body has never been on the right track, but hasn't gotten back on the track at least it knew...) since my IVF. I just want to move forward, but I still find myself getting so sad over things, really disliking my body...blaming myself for it not working. ((YOU DON'T have to say it, its not my fault and I DO KNOW that...but during my 'whyyyy me moments' I do blame myself)) It's just hard...and if I can be honest with you---I have been so weak, still so broken. How can something that never even 'happened' be holding onto my heart and not letting go?! Does the pain ever go away?

One of my best friends sent me the following quote the other day when all I could do was cry: 'Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength' ....

I know things happen for a reason---I know dark times DO disappear--I know that time heals all pain and the climb of life does get easier. I know that God has a plan for everyone and our moment will come in his time--I know that my family and friends truly love me and I know I am so very grateful to be surrounding by such amazing love and support.

I just don't know why this has to hurt so bad...I wish I could be superwoman at times and shield away all the pain and be as strong as some think I am! :(

Our Life in Bullets

2011-08-06T10:41:00.000-05:00

First let me apologize for my lack of blogging ...life has been a whirlwind lately...

* I started my new job (well not 'new'...it's where I worked before Talbots, I'm blessed that I was able to have my old job back, making more than I was making then plus now I have my weekends back off!) But things have just been crazy, I jumped into learning new things since I left, plus we are planning a business trip for next week...it's been a busy couple weeks!

* My brother in law lived in Austin which is a couple hours from us, well he decided to move back to our town--and until he is able to get an apt with friends he is staying with us. So last weekend we went down and packed up everything he owns to put it in storage while he lives with us---that was an exhausting weekend! Although due to all of our work schedules we hardly have seen him this week it's nice that we get to see him more than the normal.

* My mom has been having some issues with her feet, she has been in alot of pain lately and just very uncomfortable....so any prayers you can send this way would be much appreciated.

* Zach's family is planning a trip to Branson, Missouri in October, however I am unsure if I will be able to go or not...Zach may have to make this trip without me which makes me so sad--we will see though, it all depends on when my bosses trip falls in Oct and thats what were waiting to see.

*We have family pictures coming up next in September for this years Christmas cards (yes I know I can't believe the holidays are literally right around the corner!!) I LOVE getting our pictures professionally done--I may be a little 'over' excited for pictures, but I can't help myself!!

* I have fallen in love with 2 'fads' the past week.... #1 the feather, I finally caved and got one in my hair and I love it! #2 Shellac Nails....AMAZING! I love manicures, mostly because of the whole massage and how great my nails feel afterwords, but I always veered to fake nails only because I can't stand it when my polish chips....well have no fear Shellac is here! It's GREAT!!!

*My brother turned 15 yesterday! Where does the time go?!? He starts High School a little later this month---CRAZY! We are going over to there house tonight to celebrate his birthday!!! And speaking of High School, my 10 year reunion is next summer---SCARY to think it's already been 10 years!!

* Well I am sure I am leaving some things out, but pretty much that's my life in bullet points at this moment in time! Nothing very interesting-- I tried to post some pictures but blogger is being fussy at the moment! And I have received everyone's emails and request to be added to the Infertility Support Tab....I promise I am working on that and if your name isn't already up there it will be soon! :)

Infertility Support

2011-07-27T22:14:00.000-05:00

I have had an out pour of emails regarding infertility support...some wanting on my infertility support tab--others wanting to know good forums to help communicate with infertility couples.

IF you are not under my infertility tab for either 'support in trying to conceive' OR 'a success story' AND YOU WANT TO BE---either leave your information in the comment section below or send me an email to tapifer@grandecom.net

IF you know of another website that you love to go to that helps you cope with your infertility, a chat room-forum-research website-book-ANYTHING ... leave it in my comment section or email it to me and I will compile a list and post them.

So many infertiles have been on this road for years...others are just starting down this difficult path. I remember back when we first started trying I couldn't find anything online for the longest time--I felt so alone (and still do at times today!) Finally I flocked to a few websites-- iampregnant.com, fertilityfriend.com and www.twoweekwait.com . I found life time friends on these websites whom I still talk to today--although I don't get on any of these sites anymore and haven't for awhile they helped me so much in the begining!

So if you have anything you want to share that has helped you throughout this journey--please leave it in the comment section or email it to me and I will compile a post shortly!

Feeling Forgotten

2011-07-22T08:47:00.000-05:00

I feel like this is deja vu--I've had these feelings many of times; and especially lately.

Maybe it's me? Maybe I am just supposed to assume that my friends and family will still pop in every so often to check on me...maybe it's my fault and I am being selfish. Maybe I should be completely over things and not be sad every now and then...maybe I'm being to emotional?!

I just feel alone at times (until I open up blogger and see so many blogger friends in my same situation). I feel like my family and friends only stand by my side during the exciting times-such as going through the actual cycles--but right now when I am struggling on certain days they are no where to be found. At times I pick up the phone to call my family or friends just to hear a voice hoping they might say 'were still thinking of you'...but I hang up before hitting send because I want oh so bad for there call to be on there behalf-not mine.

Sometimes I feel like screaming off the rooftops 'I STILL NEED YOU' but then if they all come running it won't be the same as if they came on there own...

And then I go back to blaming myself for being selfish again--should I still need them? Why is this so hard? Maybe it's all me? Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I could pop straight into another cycle...but I can't. Instead I'm left reminiscing about our failed cycle--I don't know where I would be in that cycle, so often I wonder and try to figure it out, but stop myself because I don't want to know. At times I want to forget like everyone else has seemed to do, but I can't.

I have never been one to hide my feelings inside--esp. from my close friends and family! But here lately I have been--I feel so alone, and like I am supposed to be 100% ok now...some of my own CLOSE family hasn't called me in weeks--my heart is sad and I honestly just want it to smile ALL day again.

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post--please don't think I am 'depressed' I do live a happy life, and I am so blessed for my husband who continues to put a huge smile on my face every day--but it hurts when your close family and friends have seemed to have forgotten about you--and again, maybe it's my fault for not being over things yet?!

::SIGH::

Why?

2011-07-15T07:00:00.001-05:00

If you ever need a surrogate, I'll happily be one...

Why don't you just adopt...

If you stop trying it will happen, it did with us...

Just get drunk, then it will happen...

Your trying extremely too hard, just give it up...

Want to borrow my kids for the weekend, after that you will change your mind about wanting children...

Your still so young, enjoy life kid free...

JUST RELAX...

Your not infertile, you just need a break...

Get one of your friends to carry your baby for you...

It's just not your time...

WHY must people feel the need to put there foot in there mouth...WHY must comments such as the above hurt SO bad?

After 5 years of trying to conceive our first child we HAVE relaxed, we have went on SEVERAL breaks, we have considered adoption and surrogacy (just because we haven't acted upon these, does not mean there not in the back of our minds). We DON'T want to borrow YOUR kids, we want to have our own...but thanks for asking! I'm sure many of our friends would be more than willing to carry our baby, but I would like the opportunity to carry my own child...we are young-but frankly age doesn't matter, when your ready your ready!! I'm so glad that you got pregnant when you stopped trying, but the stork DIDN'T visit us in the 2 year break we had...and after 5 years of trying to conceive and being diagnosed INFERTILE by a Reproductive Endocrinology, I beg to differ--we don't 'just need a break'!

I understand your only trying to be nice, and you don't know what else to say...but in a situation like this it helps so much more to just sit and listen to US TALK, give us a hug, let us know you are there...do anything BUT say any of the above. We are still grieving the lose of our 2 little beans, this is harder than anything we have experienced...all we ask is that you please be sensitive.

Our Defining Ripples..

2011-07-13T16:42:00.001-05:00

It started out as a pebble. . . infertility that is.

Months went by without a pregnancy..it felt like I was dropping a pebble into water, which fogged my view to the biggest desire I've ever held--to become a mother!

But as the months continued to pass-Zach and I jumped over more and more milestones...our little pebble that we were carrying around turned into a huge rock--no longer was my vision only fogged; the ripples in the water became not only recongnizable to Zach and I, but now our friends and family could see our pain and desire to be parents.

Here within the last few months it feels as though my rock has now turned into a boulder.

There is no denying how far the ripples stretch out, how much of the water is disturbed, and how long it takes to get the water to find its natural rhythm again--there is no denying our pain.

Infertility has had a direct impact on all areas of our life. It has infiltrated everything. The pain and emotional stress, not to mention the physical toll...all are symbolic of the ripples created when something comes crashing into water. Although we try, at times it's hard to keep the ripples in control. At times the weight of infertility increases on our hearts and it feels as though the ripples are drowning us out.

Each failed cycle it gets more and more difficult to settle the water. It takes longer to find the peace.

I have come to terms with the fact that I can not control the size of the ripples, I can’t reign them in or act like they don’t exist. And I don’t necessarily have control over the weight of this difficult time. The ripples have infiltrated, yes. But they have also expanded me way beyond what I ever thought possible- and I don’t want to reign that in.

Everyone's ripples in life help to define them as a human being. Although at times our ripples seem never ending, I try to see the beauty in the artwork that it leaves. Regardless of the weight of the rock I hold, I have to find a way to skip that rock- allowing infertility to bounce off of the surface once in awhile.

Reality Show Junkie

2011-07-11T13:33:00.000-05:00

Who watches BIG BROTHER or BACHELORETT?!

I admit, I am a reality show junkie!! I love them!!

On Big Brother, I am defiantly a Jeff and Jordan fan, so I was thrilled to see them walk back in the door!! And on Bachelorette I'm lovin' JP!! If you watch either show I'd love to hear your input!!! Who do you dislike/love?! Who do you think is going to win?

GOOD NEWS--I start back at my old job next Monday...so NO MORE liquidation for me!! I am off all this week, its nice having a little time off, I laid out a little bit today, going to spend the day with my mom one day...everything that's been neglected in my house is finally getting cleaned! :)

Whats new with us?

2011-07-05T15:56:00.000-05:00

Not a whole lot actually...

We have stayed pretty busy with work and on our days off. Work has been a nightmare; we are liquidating everything, and I am job searching like non-other! If I had a penny for every time someone asked me the sale prices (although they are plastered on the 500 signs hanging from the ceilings) I could retire now! Zach's job has been crazy busy as well--he has been working 12+ hour days; I am exhausted from my 8-9 hour day, and here he is working double that...I am so proud of everything he does for us! He is such a hard worker, and amazing hubby!

Thankfully within the past month we have been busy on our days off as well...maybe this is God's way of keeping our minds off of things....

When I do get a free moment and time to even think, I have to admit that's all I think about...I know with time the pain will disappear completely and I will just be left with the memories we made along the way. In the mean time I am thankful that we are busy!!

We have been thinking and talking about alot of options lately, one that is weighing heavily on our heart...we will see where that takes us-God has a path painted perfectly with our name on it, and we are just praying for guidance on which path to take!

We have had an out pour of emails within the last 2 weeks; I promise I WILL respond to everyone, so please don't think I am ignoring you...I just have an inbox full of sweet messages from y'all :)

Looking In

2011-06-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

"There is a beautiful chateau in the middle of the woods. As I approach it, I am smiling. I can see the warm glow from within. There’s a chill in the air and it is starting to rain, so the comforting glow is more than a little inviting. I am drawn to the chateau. Its magical and charming. Maybe this time I’ll be allowed inside. I feel the chill in the air deepen and there’s a familiar voice in my head telling me to turn around, that its not worth it. But, if I don’t try to enter, I will never know what awaits for me inside. Don’t misunderstand; I have seen what awaits me. It is glorious. But, for some reason I am not allowed to enter. I have looked through the glass and what I have seen keeps me coming back for just one more try.

There have even been times when I have found what I thought must be the key. I usually stumble upon these keys after I have been searching for quite some time. Just when I think that all hope is lost, a key will appear. I think, “This is it! This MUST be it!” I usually run as quickly as I can to the chateau. I have been waiting to enter for quite some time, for years in fact. I run right up to the front door, I insert the key, my heart is so full of joy and hope that I feel as though it could pound right out of my chest. ”This is it!” I attempt to turn the key, but there is nothing. Not a click left or right. Nothing.

I sit down on the little bench outside of the window and I look in. In these moments, when I was so close, when I’ve allowed myself to believe, I feel most alone. The rain is picking up and I am glad. This way, they won’t see my tears. I can see most of the women I know inside. They are all there. My best friends, my beloved family members, my colleagues, my neighbors, they are all inside. I can watch them enjoy the warmth. I am happy that they get to experience it, of course I am. If I were jealous, that would be ugly of me, and I am not an ugly person. I can observe the glow from afar but, for some reason, I have not been granted entry. I put my hand to the window as I sit and watch, all alone, tears rolling down my cheeks being met by raindrops. ”Why am I not allowed inside?” I don’t understand.

Clearly they want me to enter. Some of them come to the window and put their hands to mine, but we can’t really touch. For I am outside and they are in. I see others holding back the tears in their eyes, trying to be strong for me. And then, there are those who would trade places with me in heartbeat if they could. But they cannot. I am on the outside looking in. I want to scream, to pound on the window and shake the door, but I can’t. I just don’t have it in me. My shoulders slump and I shake and sob. For some unknown reason, I am not permitted to come inside, to experience what seems to be their given right. It has become apart of who they are. It is part of what defines them as women, yet I am forced to sit, and watch, and wonder, and wait. Alone."

(I found this while searching the internet the other day; felt like it described infertility to a 'T', explaining what it's like for any women waiting to become a mother--kudos to the amazing person who wrote this)

Remembering...

2011-06-21T19:59:00.000-05:00

As painful as it is, I want to remember everything.

From the shots, to the retrieval, to the transfer...

I love looking at pictures, reminiscing about the happiness that flowed through our hearts (even if it brings some tears)...

I don't want to forget anything. Because truth be known I'm scared we won't be able to do this again. I'm scared we won't see another IVF or even another positive pregnancy test. Maybe it's me being a little protective of my heart, call it being negative if you want--I'm just terrified of the unknown.

IVF is far from pleasant, it was such a hard journey--but I miss it! I want to do another one-NOW, I want another opportunity to have our miracle baby-NOW...I'm scared we won't get that. I'm terrified actually.

I have faith in God's plan, always have and I always will...but I wouldn't be human if I wasn't scared of the unknown; and I surely wouldn't be normal if I wasn't sad about it not happening any time soon.

::Sigh:: I guess I'm just left remembering...

Father's Day

2011-06-19T07:00:00.001-05:00

I wanted this post to be so different; I had an amazing day planned for my amazing husband--and I feel so bad that he is having to spend Fathers Day like this. My sweet husband may act very tough, even to me...but I know deep down how bad he is hurting today.

I do know that when God blesses us with a child my husband will make a terrific father; after my transfer Zach would kiss my stomach each night and morning, and pray for our sweet little beans. He would tell them 'Daddy loves you, hang in there', he was so very protective of me and our little beans. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man, one who I know will be one of the best fathers in the world!

I could not have gone through this without Zach-he has been my support, he has held me up when I wanted to fall down. He is literally my rock and my strength! I love him with every beat of my heart; I know one day he will be a daddy, some how, someway...God will make that happen-I believe that and I can't wait till that day comes when he can experience fatherhood!

So on Fathers Day, I honor my husband in so many different ways. He is MY inspiration throughout all of this. I love you honey!!!

(Happy Fathers day to our Dad's and sweet Grandpa's as well!!)

It's a step...

2011-06-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

When I was testing positive for that wonderful week; I lined my test up on the back of the toilet and watched my lines get darker, all 20 test (yes I should own stock in pregnancy test)...but it's something about seeing those 2 pink lines that you just can't have enough of!

The day I realized things were headed south I put all my test in a zip-lock bag and put them in our cabinet. I couldn't yet throw them away in hopes that 'maybe just maybe' the negative test were faulty, but I couldn't stare at them due to the heartache it brought me.

The other day I was off work and decided to clean the whole house, including the cabinet. I sat down on the bathroom floor and laid out all of the test; I smiled as I put the test in ordered seeing those lines get darker. Even now it somehow brings warmth to my heart; and as I hit #19 and #20 my tears began to flow again--the heart ache of seeing that line disappear.

How one little line can make a world of a difference....

I put them back in the bag and up in the cabinet; but then it dawned on me--why am I keeping these? These aren't my babies...this isn't going to bring me anything put sadness...this isn't going to make the pain go away.

So I grabbed them and stormed outside to throw them in the trash; the minute after I did that I regretted it---what if, just what if those are the only positives I ever see...maybe I should have held onto them! Just in case you know?!

I wept in confusion, I wept because I missed seeing those 2 pink lines. I wept because it didn't work.

But in those moments of sadness, I also wept because I saw those lines--God blessed me with being able to see 2 pink lines, I can actually say I 'can' make a test turn positive now (for a while I was beginning to think I wasn't capable of doing that!) I don't know why God choose this to end the way it did, but I know in my heart that it was for a valid reason. I will continue to hurt throughout the days, but the pain will eventually get better and fade away. I will never forget the happiness or sadness that those test brought me; but I am glad I was able to let them go...

It's a step to tomorrow...it's a step in the right direction...it's a step that God is helping me take!

Whats Next?

2011-06-15T15:49:00.001-05:00

Good Question!

When I find out, I will let y'all know!

I am sure we will pursue another IVF...at sometime. I'm sad to say it won't be anytime soon! It's not because we don't want to by any means; it's because we can't.

The only reason we were blessed to be able to do this IVF was due to the insurance at my work; with our store closing we will lose that insurance and sadly we don't have enough time at this store to fit in another cycle. (I've thought about that--trust me)...we also won't be able to do cobra, we've checked into that as well. We've thought about another Talbots for the time being, but due to the fact that most of my insurance money has been used and this next cycle would consist of some out of pocket money the commute just isn't worth it....

So with all of that said, I don't know whats next for us.

I do know that when God closes doors, He always opens new ones. So we might not know what tomorrow holds-but He does. The unknown paths in life can be quite scary, but with Him guiding us through this we can do it! I'm not quite sure why were presented such an opportunity, like having insurance for IVF, if it wasn't meant to be--however I am sure that in God's scheme of plans it was meant to end this way and was most defiantly an important chapter in our lives. We will look back on this one day and realize why this didn't work; everything will come together and make perfect sense...but for now as hard as it is, we just have to have Faith in the Big Man upstairs and trust in him as he guides us. He presented us the opportunity once, and if another IVF is in His plans for us we will be presented with the option to do another one. Until then, we pray and lean on each other for strength.

I do have to thank each one of y'all for your support, I have received an out pour of cards, emails, texts, calls, and so much love it's unreal! Zach and I really are humbled from the generosity of so many---many that don't even know us in real life-it's amazing the love and support we have. I really can't begin to explain just how much it means to us--how much everyone's kind words are helping to mend our hearts. We are blessed and we thank y'all for everything!

Life will go on...

2011-06-12T17:51:00.000-05:00

Throughout the past 5 years I've held onto Faith, I've held onto God's hand as he guided me/us down the path that we needed to be on---I really thought this was 'our' path; although it was our path I thought it would be a little different.

We have gone through alot in these 5 years; especially within the past few weeks...endless amount of shots, bruises & knots that now linger, bloating and hot flashes galore, crazy emotions, and just an overall outer body experience--and as crazy as it sounds I don't regret any of the pain that we/I went through...this was by far the hardest yet most rewarding journey I've ever been through--I've cried more within the past few weeks (and days) than I have within the last 5 years...I know the tears are not over yet; they may come and go periodically throughout the days, but eventually they will fade away.

What no one knows, is I started testing around 7 days past transfer. I really debated if I wanted to or not--I had one test in my cabinet and decided I will just take it to see what it says, to my complete shock it was positive...after work I went to the store and bought 2 more boxes....I decided I would just test a couple more to see if my lines get darker or lighter---they kept getting darker; I was beyond shocked and was in major denial! I caved and tested with a digital, I remember thinking to myself just pop up 'not pregnant' as the hourglass went around forever...I sat it down, brushed my teeth and looked back...the 'not' that's always been in front was not there--- it just said pregnant...I didn't cry, I didn't scream...nothing like I thought I would---I stood there lost in time staring at the word I've longed to see... 'Pregnant'...

I went out to show Zach, both of us were so shocked...very cautious to be too happy, but very hopeful that our dreams were finally coming true. As the days pasted my test kept getting darker and darker...I was getting more and more hopeful---I've never in my life seen a positive pregnancy test, more less several in a row; was this really happening? Were we finally going to be parents?

Thursday the day before my beta I woke up and tested just like I've been doing, I finally found the confidences to not stand over it anymore and wait for the line to pop up, so I went about my morning duties and checked back in on it in about 10 minutes...it was extremely light--almost negative--my stomach sank. There is no way this is true, I just had a dark positive the night before--as much as I wanted to believe the test was faulty, my instinct told me it wasn't. Something deep down told me something was wrong, at lunch I rushed home and took 2 test, a regular one and a digital--I prayed for it to pop up pregnant, I begged & pleaded to God that the morning test was just wrong, but it had that ugly word 'not' in front of it---my heart broke and I lost it. How could this be happening. Why is this happening.

I tried to remain as positive as I could knowing that God is the only one in control--and anything could happen; but with that said I also was realistic knowing that my chances were slim to none...Friday morning I took another test---praying for things to be different---but once again it was negative...so off I went to get my blood work and wait for the dreaded call confirming my nightmare.

It's awful knowing that your losing the best things that ever happened to you; it hurts more than anything in the world. I am beyond hurt. I just don't understand why this happened the way it did. I knew this would hurt....but I never knew it would hurt this bad!!

If I didn't test leading up to things would it hurt this bad? Probably not....but I am sooo thankful I did. Because for one week, although we were very cautious to be happy--we had hope. I've never seen a positive and although it didn't end the way I wanted it to I am thankful for those times, the fulfillment in my heart when seeing 2 pink lines, and the word pregnant...it's the most amazing feeling.

I still don't understand things--but I have Faith, I will hurt for a while--but will remain hopeful that our Lord has a special plan in store for us. 'When God sends us on strong, bumpy paths-he provides us with strong shoes'

Life will go on....

It's Over

2011-06-10T14:01:00.000-05:00

I had my beta today; came back at a 4...

It's over...

I go back Tuesday to make sure it's gone down then I will stop all shots...

I am heartbroken, beyond heartbroken....

Please keep us in your prayers, when I can see through these tears I will post about all of the details, but for now I just want to go crawl in bed and delete June 10th from my life...

Questions...

2011-06-04T09:46:00.000-05:00

I get several questions emailed & texted to me daily...so I thought I'd answer a couple..

HOW DO I FEEL....

Pretty normal.....besides the awful sinus infection I've been fighting for 3 days now. I would say thats about the only thing I feel. My Dr's have been a little worried because I've had a low grade fever and we have to monitor that, and of course all I can take is Tylenol (which is fine by me, I don't think I'd take anything else if I could in fear of hurting my babies).

DO I FEEL ANYTHING?

Notta thing....but I'm ok with that. I know that several women don't have many symptoms at all, so I am not going to get myself worked up about not feeling anything...I am just going to continue to take one day at a time and let God take care of the rest :)

ARE YOU GONNA TEST EARLY?

Haven't decided...if I do I won't disclose anything on here (sorry ladies) IF I am ever so blessed to be pregnant we want to tell our families in a way we will all remember, not them reading it on blogger or face book. Sorry :)

CRAVINGS?

Yes I have been having them, however I've had them from the very beginning of my shots...I eat like a pig! My biggest craving is coconut cream pie, I could eat that daily...and hot fries sounded amazing yesterday...I am not sure if there called cravings or side effects from the shots, but whatever it is I'm surprised my butt hasn't grown twice it's size from the beginning...surprisingly I haven't gained any weight from all this eating!

Hard...

2011-06-01T07:00:00.003-05:00

I went into this journey with a clear head; knowing my odds of this working, knowing that it would come with some good times and bad times. I prepped myself and stayed focus on the day we were on, therefor I wouldn't get my hopes up about the end picture.

Well that's hard!

I had a gut feeling that none of our other babies in the making would make it to freeze, but I sure was praying for at least one--I got the call that none made it, I cried. I'm so beyond happy, so beyond blessed and thankful for these two perfect babies who are hopefully burying themselves inside there new home; however at the same exact time I am scared of the unknown. I am scared at the thought of this not working, what if we don't have time to do another whole cycle before my work closes

God never said life was easy...

When you are doing your shots, you know the outcome that you want from those, you want mature follicles--when you do you retrieval you know the outcome you want--you want many mature eggs removed--the next day you want to hear how many of your eggs fertilized--then it's a day by day waiting game...I had fears along the way, but I always kept the reality of knowing that things could go either way.

Although I still know reality and I know this might not be the path God choose for us, it's HARDER now then ever...

There is NO way around not getting my hopes up now, there is no way around not being devastated if this doesn't work...I am so much in love with two little Pifer beans that if this isn't meant to be, it will devastate me.

I know some may think it's absolutely crazy to fall head over hills in love with 2 little 'cells without heartbeats'...but the thing is, when Zach and I look at those 'cells' we see our babies, we see a little of him and a little of me, we see life in the making that WE created. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't thank God for our little beans and pray that they attach so that we can hold them in our arms in 9 months. WE WANT THIS, and it's hard not knowing how things will end.

This journey will end with tears, we know this...we just don't know if they will be tears of joy or tears of sadness. Only God knows that--and no matter how HARD this is, we trust in Him!

What If...

2011-05-30T07:00:00.002-05:00

A lot of what if's keep rambling through my mind...

WHAT IF I moved wrong...

WHAT IF I sat up wrong or twisted the wrong way...

WHAT IF when I woke up on my stomach if thats ok...

WHAT IF I hurt them in any way unintentionally...

WHAT IF I am not providing them the best home they need...

I worry about them, I worry that I will do something wrong, I want the best for my babies, I want them to grow grow grow, if I could lay down for the next 2 weeks and not move a muscle I would.

God is in control, He is the ONLY one that knows the outcome of this journey, we just have to have Faith that no matter what our fears may be if this is what He wants for us it WILL happen!!

Our Amazing Day...

2011-05-28T18:59:00.000-05:00

Let me start off by saying this was by far one of the most emotional, amazing and sweetest day of my life. Zach & I knew it would be amazing, but no one could have prepared us for the happiness and emotions that would come with having our babies put inside there new home...

I got to the hospital and went into the clinic area to talk to our embryologist about our babies, he explained that we had two amazing babies that were ready, however the others were lagging behind a little. He said he would give them another day or two to see if they would turn to the blast stage so that we can freeze some; I really thought not having any to freeze would hurt extremely bad, but at that moment when he showed me a picture of our two perfect babies I couldn't do anything but smile...

Zach and I are the parents to 2 of the cutest Pifer Beans I've ever seen! How can it be possible to love something so much that doesn't even have a heartbeat yet? I love the below picture of Zach and our babies, he is so proud!!!

The below picture makes me tear up every time I see it, the little white part above my fingertip is our babies new home inside me--isn't it just so amazing?

I have been taking it easy, haven't done much of anything--Zach is so protective which is one of the many reasons why I love him so much.

I knew this day would be great, but I never knew how great it would be!

GOD IS GREAT!

Beyond Blessed

2011-05-27T20:32:00.001-05:00

Our beautiful baby Pifer beans are all cozy in their new home now..were praying for sticky sticky beans!!!

Everything we amazing!!!

As of today we do not have any embryos to freeze, I have 4 that he believes will be at the blast stage in a day or two and if so they will be able to be frozen....

It's so surreal to think I have two perfect little beans in me, I'm so beyond blessed and on cloud nine-God is so great!!

I have many more pictures to share once I upload them and am able to get on my laptop, but I had to post a short blog to show off my sweet lil' beans!!!!

Arn't they just lovely??? :)

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Tomorrow

2011-05-26T08:58:00.000-05:00

This is the day I've waited for, the last step to this cycle before I find out if I am pregnant or not...

I never thought this day would come; there were moments when the day seemed as though it wasn't moving fast enough; and now it's here! I can't believe it!

Tomorrow I will come home a mommy to 2 beautiful little babies in the making who hopefully are working hard to attach so I can carry them for 9 months!!

I am in awe of this journey, its been a whirl wind ride; but it's been amazing!!

The truth is we don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, or the days to come--life is a crazy ride and nothing is guaranteed.

God has us closely wrapped in his arms carrying us through this and protecting us along the way.

Our very first transfer is TOMORROW! (can't wait!!!!!)

Half a Dozen

2011-05-25T08:38:00.000-05:00

Half a dozen little babies are holding on strong (with possibly more in the making-only time will tell)

We are defiantly going to a Friday transfer (yay!!!!)

God is BIG!

Fertilization Report

2011-05-23T14:16:00.000-05:00

This past few weeks have been a crazy emotional roller-coaster ride--I didn't know what to expect with any of it, so I've gone day by day.

Right now, more than ever, day by day is what I'm holding onto.

As I mentioned before I didn't know what to expect with my retrieval; 38 was more than I could have expected. My fertilization report was no different; the Dr. told me what to expect (which was about 1/2 of that to be fertilized) but other than that I didn't know how to expect things to play out--ideal I would have loved to see 10-15 if not more to fertilize in hopes to at least have 8-10 make it to transfer for 2 to be transferred and 6-8 to be frozen.

I got my call this morning and it didn't go near how I'd hoped for-- 'Only 2 have fertilized' shot through me like a bullet as my Dr. told me about my babies...I ~~was~~ am discouraged but I know in my heart it only takes 2; it's just not the odds I expected or wanted. He explained to me that there were several that had '2 polar bodies' (that is the step right before fertilization) So he explained that he would re-check on them at noon and call me back---so now I sat all morning with my stomach in knots anxiously awaiting for that call...

I have 5 fertilized right now; 5 out of 38 eggs...I would be lieing if I said I wasn't a little bummed or worried.

Don't waste your breath telling me 'It only takes 2' or ' 5 is better than none' because I know that; I honestly and truly do KNOW that. Although I am discouraged don't think for one moment that I am not thankful for those 5 that have fertilized--because I am extremely thankful and blessed; I just hope and pray those 5 make it to transfer.

My Dr. did mention that there are still several with 2 polar bodies so he is expecting to add to that number tomorrow. This whole journey has been a day by day step and a slow process; why would I expect for that to change now??

So as I sit here tying this post I have alot going on in my mind, I've cried tears of happiness and tears of anxiousness. These are my babies were talking about (yes they are just cells to many, but these cells are our babies) and I don't want anything to happen to them; so alot is going on through my mind.

Again, no one said this journey was easy, I just never thought it would be so hard. We will continue to hold onto Faith, Hope and leave the rest in His hands--He will walk us through this day by day.

Retrieval Time

2011-05-22T17:47:00.000-05:00

Let me start off by saying that sleep before the night of your retrieval is nonexistent; I woke up at midnight--again at one---two--three and so on; I believe I woke up every hour on the hour. I was so excited and nervous I couldn't even think straight.

We arrived at the hospital around 7ish in the morning where they checked me in to my labor and delivery room! They started my IV and then I had to wait for about an hour for anesthesia. I honestly did not know what to expect; my follicles just weren't doing what they were supposed to throughout the week so I thought I would be lucky if I came out with 15 retrieved eggs...that hour was like sitting on pins and needles...

At 9:00 they wheeled me back to the egg retrieval room--next thing I know I was waking up; first thing I asked was how many do we have so far '27 and still counting' he says (WOW!!!)

He came back in a little bit later to tell me the final count; they took 38 eggies from me....38! I was shocked; the Dr. was shocked; we were all shocked at how many--and very blessed!!

After being in recovery for about an hour and a half we were able to come home; I didn't make it long in the car before I started getting sick (I always get sick after anesthesia, esp. the car ride home) It was the longest 30 minute drive ever...I came straight inside and slept for 4 hours, my sweet husband has been so great taking care of me and checking on me! We are so excited and blessed about todays outcome and it couldn't have been more perfect!

I will get a call tomorrow with the fertilization count; from there is just a waiting and watching game to see how they divide; which will determine if we have transfer on Wednesday or Friday.

'Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above'

5 years + Dr. Update

2011-05-20T07:00:00.013-05:00

Dear Zach,

I can't beleive we are celebrating our 5 years wedding anniversary today--where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday we were standing in that little church saying our vows...

You are my best friend, my soul mate, my rock, my strength when I am weak, my sunshine on a cloudy day...You are my EVERYTHING!

Our 5 years as husband and wife have been quite eventful to say the least; especially the last few weeks. Zach-I do not know what I would do without you by my side-when I feel like crashing down you are there to pick me up, you are there to remind me of the bigger picture--you are there to put that smile back on my face. I love you more than words can possibly express and I am so very thankful and honored to be 'Mrs. Zachary Pifer'...

I do not know what the days ahead hold, or the weeks, months or years....but I do know that every morning I want to wake up next to you and fall asleep in your arms every night. I want to grow old and have many more years of complete happiness! Thank you Zachary for making these 5 years of husband and wife pure bliss!

You never seize to amaze me! Thank you for all you do for us! I love you more and more with every day that passes!!

{My Dr. appt went absolutely amazing today--what an amazing gift & way to spend our anniversary--I have tons of mature follicles, and I am 'officially' ready---yay!! I am 'so' ready he is a little concerned I may ovulate before it's time, so instead of a Monday retrieval they are bumping it up to Sunday! We are so excited & absolutely can't wait for this next step! I will trigger tonight at 9pm and pray this little boogers don't drop on there own!! They are hoping my transfer will be Friday (but we won't know for sure until we see how they fertilize) Praying for lots of blessings within this week; so blessed & a perfect way to spend this day with my husband of 5 YEARS--thanks for all the calls, texts and prayers}

Molasses?

2011-05-18T10:59:00.000-05:00

My new nickname given to me by my Dr...he says 'your growing as slow as mollasses'

LOVELY...

Friday retrieval is off...I will be going back for another appointment on Friday and he believes I will be ready for a Monday retrieval...

I'd lie if I said I wasn't disappointed, I know...I know...they are growing and thats what matters, and trust me I KNOW THAT, I am beyond happy and blessed they are growing...I guess I am eager to get them out of me and get this boogers fertilized; I've waited 5 years for this I guess a couple more days won't hurt so bad...

So please pray pray pray that I continue to grow grow grow...

Sincerly,

Molasses

Miracle Grow Please??

2011-05-16T19:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Ovaries,

I am ~~asking~~ pleading & begging you to please cooperate with me...PLEASE PLEASE sprinkle some love & miracle grow on my follicles! We need them to grow BIG so that we can take them out and fertilize them so a little baby Pifer can be placed back in my tummy---I would appreciate this muchly!

Thanks--Tiff

My follicles----they 'are' growing, just very slow---very very very slow! My follicles should be measuring about 16mm today; my right side is averaging 9mm and my left side is averaging 12mm...defiantly not where they should be...BUT they are growing. So although my Dr. is annoyed with my little ovaries he still has hope because they are growing, just not at the speed in which he would like...

My lining on the other hand is 'AUH-MAZING' it's a little over a 10 (they like for it to be an 8 or higher) so this is great, he was very pleased... and my estradial level came back at 1436 (they said it supposed to be around 1000 today) so they again are pleased with this...due to my lining and my estradial being exactly where they want them to be they will 'not' be upping my meds...

What does this mean you ask??

It means that our retrieval that was supposed to be this Thursday will NOT be this Thursday...

I have another appointment on Wednesday at 9am; he is hoping & praying that I will be ready for a Friday retrieval; but he did mention with my slow growth I could possibly go over the weekend or even on Monday--I'll know more Wednesday.

I asked him if the thought of canceling my cycle has entered his mind--he said 'NO' (whew-Thank God) He said that as long as I GROW even if it's slow it's ok, I just have to GROW! However, he did say his concern is that slow developers can stop growing all together and that is why Dr's don't quite like to see this happen.

Can someone please tell me where I can get some miracle grow for my follicles???

A little of this...

2011-05-14T21:27:00.000-05:00

And a little of that.....

(My life at the moment in bullet points)

* My rear end hurts!! Thank God for ice packs and there ability to numb things!! For the past several days I have been icing my hiney before shot time; helps tremendously with not being able to feel the needle go in; problem is after the numbness is gone I'm still left with the bruising (and knots) which hurt to walk, sit, and lay down--I have tried heating pads but they really don't seem to make a difference--funny thing is as bad as they hurt I still get excited about shot time because that means we are one shot closer to retrieval...

* I never thought ovary pain would make me so happy--my ovaries have been throbbing all day long (even my right one which has been quite the slacker)-- throbbing = growth ... growth = happiness!!

* Crybaby--yes that still explains me to 'T'

* I'm so thankful for so many of my sweet friends who have been emailing me local job listings; I have been applying to some, but to be honest I won't be job hunting full force until mid June--I want to get through this journey, enjoy every pain-saking moment--stress free :)

* My appointment Monday is supposed to be pre-op, however I won't know if it's pre-op until Monday--It's funny how fast this whole cycle has flown by, I remember being on my birth control part wishing and hoping for those days to pass and now I am 'praying' almost to retrieval and then just a short 5 days away from transfer..AMAZING!

* I was so worried in the beginning of this journey that I would gain so much weight (not that I'm complaining about gaining weight, if I am pregnant I will happily gain whatever I need to in order to carry my baby-ies) however--I read horror stories of women who gained 10-20lbs just in the IVF process...I shockingly have lost a pound and a half since the beginning of this journey (maybe---just maybe--God is saving my weight gain for pregnancy--wishful thinking!!)

* Last year if you would have asked me if we would be doing IVF in 2011 I wold have sadly said no; I am thankful for this opportunity--so thankful that it brings tears to my eyes--I want this more than anything in the world and I pray this is His plan for us!! We are doing our best (through thick and thin) to remain hopeful, to keep our faith and to lean on our amazing support system. No one told me life was easy, No one told me this IVF journey would be easy--but I never thought it would be this hard---however, were not even to the end and it's a very rewarding journey. I thought infertility and everything over the past 5 years brought Zach and I so close, nothing compares to the past few weeks...our bond is unbreakable, indescribable, unimaginable, all because of one word: infertility. This next week not only will be hopefully be celebrating the fertilization of our babies but we will be celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary and I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate it together!

One love---One life---One DREAM

Late Bloomer??

2011-05-13T11:54:00.000-05:00

Lets pray so....

My appointment today wasn't the best...

My Dr's first words after taking a couple minutes to look around is 'I'm not happy with what I'm seeing'...

My follicles just aren't growing the way they should me; they are there...some are growing...just very slowly.

He said I could be a late bloomer and ALOT can happen in a week--thats exactly what I'm praying for.

I may or may not increase my meds--I won't know until 3:00pm when I call and get my estradial level.

I started tearing up after my appointment; it's never fun knowing that your body isn't reacting to things the way it should--not to mention I'm still very emotional. My Dr. gave me a hug and told me to 'Have Faith and Stay Hopeful'...

So that is what I am trying to do...

As I was crying in my car before my ride home I called Zach to give him the news---he can always make me feel better! He quickly reminded me that I WAS a late bloomer with my IUI cycle; so that gives me hope--I was such a late bloomer and had so many follicles at the last minute they almost canceled my cycle!

Lets pray for late blooming follicles--a miracle that so much happens in a week!!!

Next appt...Monday!

A lil' defeated...

2011-05-11T15:47:00.000-05:00

Today we went in for another ultrasound.

My right ovary is quite the slacker--it's only holding 6 follicles which isn't the greatest--when my Dr. was looking at it I saw concern on his face---that was until he reached my left ovary that's holding a whooping 15 follicles. He seemed quite pleased that I had 21--I just pray they keep growing!!

My lining was a 4.9; he said thats 'good' but not great...my estradial level came back at 81 which they said is fairly lower than expected on day 4. So they are upping my meds. I will continue to take 150iu in the morning but I will take 225iu at night--they are having to call me in MORE meds because due to this up-age (if that's a word) I will be running short...

I go back Friday for another ultrasound and more blood work.

I asked him if he felt we were still on track for retrieval NEXT week (I can't believe we are so close already!) He said yes--I could go a day earlier, right one track or a day later...but he thinks it will officially be next week--I have an appt Monday and he said we will know more of an 'exact' date then!

OK---not gonna lie---I'M NERVOUS!!! A lot has been going on lately---A LOT!!!!

I found out yesterday that Talbots; where I work; where I am getting this amazing insurance; the place that has brought my dreams to reality and the reason why we have been able to do this IVF is closing there doors July 24th!!!!! I will be without a job---I will 'HOPEFULLY' be pregnant looking for a job--I am trying my best to not stress and worry; Zach told me to phone all my friends and family and we will let them do the job hunting and stressing for us while we focus on this journey right now! But I would be lieing if I said I wasn't scared! We had a 15K allowance on our IVF for a lifetime; after this cycle is over we would have JUST enough for a FET cycle--well if this cycle doesn't work I am not sure if we can squeeze another cycle in before July 24th.

I'm a little freaked out...I don't even want to imagine that this cycle doesn't work! I can't even bare that thought--I talked to my Dr. today and told him our situation and he said 'well do everything we can'. He is an amazing Dr. who I know will bend through hurdles for us...I am just on edge right now...

I'm emotional from the shots; I'm a little nervous that our cycle isn't where it needs to be although my Dr. seemed so happy with it...and I'm so scared about whats next for me as for a job!???

So much going on and yet I am trying to remain positive--please say a special prayer for us right now--please pray my ovaries corporate as well as my lining...please pray that this cycle works and please pray that God guides me in the right direction as far as a job---and please pray for strength!!!

God doesn't put you through more than you can handle....God doesn't put you through more than you can handle.... repeat....repeat...repeat!!

A Good Day

2011-05-08T07:00:00.019-05:00

First and foremost; Happy Mothers Day to my amazing mother, to my fabulous step-mom, to my sweet mother in law and the most wonderful grandmothers on earth! I have alot of motherly women in my life--all who mean the world to me! TODAY I HONOR YOU!

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us- when struggles stare us in the face; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us in our time of need; when trouble thickens around us, mom is always there!!

THANK YOU! Each of you! Thank you for being my best friend, thank you for being my support throughout this journey--thank you for being you and loving me!!!

Happy Mothers Day to my sweet friends; the ones who have beat infertility, the ones who never had to face infertility, the ones who have angle babies, and the ones who are still trying!

Mothers Day has always been a hard day for me--this year I can honestly say i do NOT feel like crawling in a hole for the day--I feel ok! I feel hopeful! I feel like a mom (although are babies are still in the making)...

Today IS a good day!

OUR Rainbow

2011-05-06T22:07:00.000-05:00

' Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.'

I woke up this morning went to the restroom to do my daily rituals only to come back to my bedroom to my phone playing this song--I must have hit the 'youtube' button or something when I turned my alarm off.

This little song ran through my head all morning..

I had my baseline ultrasound this morning; I couldn't stop thinking about 'dreams that you date to dream Really do come true' the whole way there--as I have mentioned before my emotions are on a crazy high right now. EVERYTHING (and I am not just exaggerating) makes me cry! On the way to the hospital I started praying...before I knew it I was sobbing--praying and driving (not a good combination for someone who doesn't like driving on the interstate)

I got myself put together and went in for my appointment! It went great! Dr. W said I am right one track (awesome!!!)-everything is going great! I do have some follicles that are growing which once I start stimulating my ovaries this Sunday they will grow even more! My estradiol level is right where they want it (it needed to be less than 60 today and mine was right around 30 which is perfect!)--the only not so great thing is when they took my blood they blew my vein--OUCH! I have NEVER had my vein blown--it does not feel good!

So what now? I add 2 more shots a day starting Sunday and go back for another appointment next Wednesday.

When he left he told me 'Happy Mothers Day'...I just looked at him; he said 'You ARE a Mother you know it; we are creating your babies right now'...I cried (shocker huh??) He looked at me and said 'Hang in there--there is a rainbow after every storm'

O-M-G did he just say that!?! I had chills go up my spine--and cried some more (hey I'm really emotional right now!)

Someone told me earlier today that by the end of June I will be a mommy (I hope there right) but the thought of that is so surreal; I can't imagine myself pregnant--partly because 'not' being pregnant is all I know. I'm excited about our future--whatever it may hold!

I'm ready for our Rainbow--where dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true!!

Hangin' On

2011-05-02T21:06:00.000-05:00

Zach looked at me the other night and said he has this gut feeling everything will work out and we will become parents very shortly. I hope he is right! A) because I want to become a mommy more than anything in this world but B) because I know he will be devastated if this cycle doesn't work; likewise for me.

Although I have vowed to myself and to Zach to not think negative about this cycle; I would be lying if there wasn't those thoughts that ran through my head periodically throughout this course. I'm human! As much as I pray; as much as I want this--this may not be what He wants for us--and although I will not understand that I will have to accept that. But right now I can't even bring myself to bear those thoughts.

I am literary hanging onto faith!!!

I have to be honest--Zach and I have caught ourselves thinking about nurseries...about names...about everything you would think about if you are pregnant. We quickly catch ourselves and quit in fear we will jinx ourselves--but mostly in fear that if this doesn't work we will have set ourselves up for a deeper sadness.

Every night after my shots Zach gives my belly a little kiss and says a little prayer for my 'eggies'--I can't began to tell you how grateful I am for him. There is NO way I could go through all this without him... (can I be honest for a second???) This whole IVF thing is not all fun and games; in fact there really isn't much fun in it at all...but it's so worth every pain, every ugly side effect, every bit of bloating, every bit of night sweats (which I get alot!), it's worth every awful headache...it's worth every bit of every bad thing thats happening to be right now; it's worth it all when I see how much he loves me knowing how great of a father he will be!! I'm amazed at how Zach is so understanding at my outburst in tears (because that happens quite frequently as well) He is great; and without him this wouldn't be happening!!

I've learned throughout my journey that Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to!

And right now, more than any other time thats all were holding onto! FAITH!

God has a special plan for us; I've believed in that all along...I do not know if this is His plan or not; and although this hasn't proven to be a 'fun' journey I'm enjoying it--it's memories that we will NEVER forget thats for sure!!! My momma always says 'KEEP THE FAITH' and thats what I'm trying to do!!

(don't forget if you are interested in winning a $100 head over to my review blog by clicking HERE)

Puppy LOVE (Giveaway)

2011-05-02T08:47:00.000-05:00

See these 3 adorable dogs?????

THEY ARE BEYOND SPOILED!!!!

I had an opportunity to review an amazing product and you know what else....I am able to give one of y'all a $100 visa gift card!!!! Wanna know more?!?!!?!?

CLICK HERE...but you better hurry before time runs out!!!

Funnies & a Giveaway

2011-05-01T20:12:00.000-05:00

I wanted to list a couple funny moments that Zach and I have had so far on this journey (mostly for memories sake of posting them)

Zach had to go to Temple last Thursday to drop off his 'sample' for the freezing process...WELL I was off and I was going to sleep (because thanks to this shot my sleep has been tossed out the window; although I'm always tired and feel like I could fall asleep standing up I cant sleep when it's time to sleep!!) However about 7am my phone starting ringing; it was Zach---I hear on the other end of the line 'I need you to come to Temple now please; I locked my keys in my car'....so although at the time this was FAR from funny--it's actually quite humorous now. IF you know me in real life you know 1) I hate driving 2) I hate driving long distances 3) I hate driving long distances by myself and 4) I have NO sense of direction which is why I hate driving long distances and by myself....so although our clinic is only 30 minutes down the road and pretty much a straight shot I was not anticipating driving there on I35 by myself...however off I went to rescue my husband!! I made it and thankfully I feel confident in driving there again by myself! :)

Funny two--last night we met some friends I used to work with for dinner at 7:30 (our shot time is 8pm)...so we knew we would be having to take the shot with us; no biggie we thought...we could just run out to the car--give me a quick shot and head back in! We parked right out front so we it would be convenient with us running out to give me a shot (mistake #1)...at 8 we headed out; Zach said get in the back seat so we both hopped in the back seat; was in there a total of a minute at the most and hopped back out to go in....WHEN we hopped out of the car EVERYONE on the patio of the restaurant (which was right in front of where we were parked was staring at us) What they thought we were doing is beside me? I don't know; but I can honestly say I was mortified; I didn't make eye contact---I hurried in and then burst in laughter (note to self NEVER park in front during a shot run!!)

Knowing my husband and I--I am SURE I will have more funnies; it's just a give with us!! But for know thats it!

I DO HOWEVER--have AMAZING NEWS! Tomorrow there will be a FAN-TABULOUS giveaway on my review blog....what is fan-tabulous about it your asking?????? What about a $100 visa giftcard?!?!?!?! YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT!!!! I will be giving away $100 to a lucky reader! The blog will air at 7am (CST) sooo be sure to check it out!!!!

It's Officially Began...

2011-04-28T11:55:00.000-05:00

Although I know as soon as you start your birth control that actually means you are 'officially' started...but to me it seems 'official' with that 1st shot!

Last night = our first shot!

We begin the Lupron once a night (due to Zach's and our schedule we opted for 8pm; our Dr. told us to try to get it as close to on the dot every night so that is a good time for us!)...

Zach did a great job! Although I can and will give myself a shot if I have too- I prefer not too; the couple times I had to last cycle with our IUI I about had a nervous breakdown and that was with a Gonal F pen! This is the real deal I feel like!

Zach went this morning to Temple to freeze a sample for backup if we need it...next week I have my first follicle ultrasound! I just cant believe it's HERE! I know the next couple weeks will fly by and it will be the middle of June before I know it; however as crazy as it sounds I want to to enjoy each day leading up to that time--although in a week or two when my ovaries feel as though they could explode due to the over capacity in there I know I will be wishing for it to hurry and fly by--but right now I am enjoying taking one day at a time!

Thank you Lord for the opportunity to be on this IVF journey!!

READY.....SET....

2011-04-22T20:25:00.001-05:00

SHOT TIME!

(well almost...it starts Wednesday)

I received my first shipment of injections/meds today--I still have one more shipment from London that will be here next week! I can't believe we are about to start injections! I can't believe HOW MANY NEEDLES I have been sent-lol!! I have seen pictures; but it's so surreal when you open the package and see it yourself!!

As much as I hate needles and shots I am beyond excited to get started! I'll endure any pain for our little Pifer bean!

((On a side note, please say a special prayer for my sweet friend Erin--I met her a couple years ago I guess online; She conceived her son on her very first IVF--and now is in the process of doing her second IVF for her second child. This sweet couple is just a couple weeks ahead of me and Erin and has been such an inspiration to me;...she had her retrieval today--please say a little prayer that she gets a good fertilization count tomorrow!

Also if you will please lift my other sweet friend, Tammy up in your prayers--her beta came back not so well--she needs our support during this time--love ya hun!))

I gotta' pee!!

2011-04-21T12:03:00.000-05:00

OH-MMM-GEEE--this whole full bladder thing was not what I even expected it to be; it was wayyyy worse!

Keep in mind I have NEVER had to have any kind of ultrasound done with a full bladder; also keep in mind my bladder is like the size of a pea and I have to pee every 30 seconds it seems-ha!

Well; when the Dr called for a full bladder I drank....and drank....and drank....and drank some water (and more)...to the point I felt like I could explode. My mother went with me today since Zach couldn't; and I told her on our way in the hospital that I didn't think I would make it to the ultrasound without peeing--I had to GO!!

After waiting in the waiting room for about 10 minutes I couldn't hold it any longer; I got this grand idea I was just going to 'pee enough' just to get the hurt away then 'stop it' so it still stayed full (haa!!!) It worked...I felt so much better (and still had to pee) so I knew there HAD to be tons of fluids left in there!!

SURE ENOUGH there was; he said my bladder was really full---so I am very glad I cheated and let a 'little' out! :)

The doctor said my insides looked amazing; he did another test transfer today--he had a little struggle with it today due to my tilted uterus; but overall said it went great! He talked to me a little about starting my Lupron shots this upcoming Wednesday--He checked some vitals for the anesthesiologist then sent me on my way for blood-work. Zach will be getting his blood-work at the Waco clinic tomorrow and will be giving his 'sample' next week to freeze for backup!

I DID ask him about my nausea (although SEVERAL people have emailed me and commented that this is perfectly normal) I have been getting criticized by some people in my life--some thinking I am just a baby or wanting pitty 'How can birth control make you so sick'....although I knew how I felt and didn't feel the need to justify how I felt to these particular people--it makes me feel better hearing my Dr tell me exactly what several of y'all told me--'YES this makes you sick and this can be one of the worst parts'

I am beyond excited about this cycle; I can't wait to get things started! I have managed to keep a level head; several people keep commenting about how they 'know' this will work; and although I hope and pray they are right I am just thankful for the chance to get to have IVF done! I am taking one day at a time and leaving the rest to God!! He knows what I want; I pray about it every night; He has our life in His hands and we trust in Him!

Thank you for all the prayers; comments; emails; cards and support throughout all of this--it means more than I could possible express!

First Ultrasound

2011-04-20T10:33:00.000-05:00

My first ultrasound is TOMORROW...

I have a feeling things will go fast once I start with my ultrasounds and injections!

The ultrasound is just to make sure I am cyst free before I start stimulating my ovaries with the shots!

I'm SO EXCITED to get this show on the road--I am also sooo over this birth control part (only about 11 more days of it!)

So say prayers that my little ovaries are cyst free and we get the go-ahead to start injections next Wednesday :)

Need A Favor

2011-04-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

I need to ask a HUGE favor from y'all!!

This pretty girl is Zach's cousin!!! She is an aspiring model who has entered to be the next Maurice's Main Street Model--and she needs OUR VOTES!

It would mean the world to me, and her if you would head over to Maurice's website by clicking here and vote for her.

You will probably have to search for her by name: Chelsea Shilala

Voting ends April 24th (and you can vote every 24 hours) So KEEP the votes coming!!!!!

GOOD LUCK CHELSEA!!! :)

YOU'VE GOT MAIL

2011-04-15T20:24:00.000-05:00

Look what was waiting in my inbox today:

Your appointments are as follows:

05/06/2011 @ 9:40 am desk 3A (Ultrasound)

05/11/2011 @ 10:20 am desk 3A (Ultrasound)

05/13/2011 @ 9:30 am desk 3A (Ultrasound)

05/16/2011 @ 11:20 am desk 3A (Ultrasound-Pre op)

Please be aware that these appointment times and dates are tentative

I RECEIVED MY CALENDAR!!!!

My injections start on the 27th of April--and they have our retrieval on the 19th of May (thats given that everything goes accordingly to planned) That would be the day before our 5 year wedding anniversary!!! We planned on celebrating our 5 year anniversary in Fredricksburg--HOWEVER, I will be more than happy to spend it at a hospital having surgery to retrieve our little eggies!! :)

AND if everything goes accordingly to planned we shall find out mid June if we will have a blessing on the way :)

YAY!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday

2011-04-13T06:00:00.003-05:00

HAPPY 26th BIRTHDAY

TO THE BEST HUSBAND

A GIRL COULD ASK FOR!!!

I love you to the moon and back Zach, hope this birthday is amazing; and I hope the year of being '26' brings you oddles of blessings ;)

Today is also my sister in laws birthday (no not twins)...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BETH...LOVE YOU LOTS!

Nascar Fun

2011-04-10T21:01:00.000-05:00

The company Zach works for is one of the many sponsors of Nascar; so he came home one day from work with 2 free tickets to the race. I never follow Nascar-but boy are the races exciting!!

and these cars are extremly LOUD!!

Zach and I had a fabulous time enjoying the beautiful weekend!!

We did-however-have to leave a little early because I started feeling extremely sick!

These pills are kicking my hiney--I have received quite a few emails from bloggers and fellow IVF'ers saying this was the hardest/worst part for them, it's nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way! I can say I haven't actually gotten 'sick' it's just the worst nausea that I've ever experienced. I am so blessed to have a husband who is pampering me throughout all of this! I'm living off of saltine crackers and sprite zero! If anyone has any tips for nausea please feel free to share-I have found that peppermints and minty gum help!

I am all for feeling so horrible in hopes this will bring us the biggest blessing of all! :)

Birth Control Blues

2011-04-09T07:00:00.002-05:00

I am hoping it's the combination of taking my birth control + taking Midol for my horrid cramps that is leaving me sick to my stomach, and not the actual birth control. Only 2 days on it and I feel awful :(

Birth control always did make me sick though, this 2-3 weeks hopefully will fly by!

I do have a question to all of those who have done IVF and have taken birth control...

1) What kind of birth control did you take? (I'm on Levora)

2.) Does it even matter what kind of birth control your on as long as you are on the birth control for an IVF (just curious?!)

3.) What time of the day do y'all take/took y'alls birth control? I'm taking it at night with my supper...

Let's Get This Party Started

2011-04-07T22:00:00.000-05:00

Phase one of IVF starts....NOW!

Lets Rock and Roll!!!! :)

Infertility Awareness Month

2011-04-07T07:00:00.001-05:00

As you all know (if you have been reading my blog for a while) I always dedicate April to infertility awareness. Although I will be posting some, I'm sad to say I won't do my normal post and giveaways that I normally have. With our upcoming IVF cycle I just don't think I will have time to put all the time into my blog as I have the past few years; I do hope y'all understand.

Infertility has been one of those journeys that no women, especially me, dreams of...however I am so thankful that God choose me for this...it has taught me so much about myself, has made my husband and our relationship stronger and has taught us to place everything in the Lords hands and to lean on him for guidance.

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. Please say a special prayer tonight in honor of those who struggle with infertility, for those who long to hear the words 'I love you mommy', for those who would give there right arm to see 2 pink lines...keep these special couples in your thoughts and prayers today, tomorrow and always!

Any day now...

2011-04-06T20:57:00.002-05:00

We will begin our very first IVF cycle any day now...

I started to spot and called my IVF nurse, she said I have to wait until it's full flow and then we will get started on everything...I have to admit-my stomach went in knots knowing it's right around the corner. I'm so used to the 'waiting game' I'm not used to actually 'doing something' as odd as that is!

HOW EXCITING to know that any day our journey will begin!

Holy Side Effects!!!

2011-03-31T20:32:00.003-05:00

I have been reading all of this paperwork I have been sent home regarding my upcoming injections/meds...talk about a major list of side effects--O-M-G!

I know everyones side effects are different, but I would love to hear about yours!

I remember back from my IUI with Gonal F, I was super emotional, bloating, hot flashes...all the not so fun stuff, so I can imagine thats what I am to expect with all of this!?

Please share your stories with me!! :))

Also, I don't know if you remember back when I asked you to please say a prayer for my sweet friend Rosemary's sister in law who was in an awful car accident...well she is doing much better, but still has a long road ahead of her. They are holding a local benefit for her on April 17th from 1-6pm at The Hog Creek Icehouse; please click here to head over to Rosie's blog to read all about it! Please continue to keep this sweet family in your prayers! :)

Thumbs Up

2011-03-29T20:28:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago my mother bought me a 'lucky charm ring' to wear to my appointments....so with my lucky ring on...

Zach and I headed to Temple for our very first IVF consult!!

The Doctor came in and as we were introducing ourselves tears streamed down my face; all I could hear was my husband telling him 'We want to be parents'...my body was numb, could I really do this?! I sat there and looked at the ultrasound machine right next to me then looked at Zach-can I just stop for a minute and say-Thank God for my sweet husband-he smiled at me and said 'Tiffany, were ok; this is our time'. The Dr. placed his hand on my shoulder and said, 'I'm here to help...I want you both to succeed and to be parents!'

I took a BIG SIGH of relief and on went our visit!

I can honestly say this was by far better than I ever expected it to be!! WAY BETTER! Our Doctor is amazing, such a sweet sincere guy who wants nothing for the best for his patients!

(THUMBS UP FROM ME)

So you are wondering what the plan is I guess?!...

Well he feels 100% that IVF is our best and only option. His success rate for couples our age is 50-60% (which I felt very good about). He did a sample transfer to see how my body would take to it, and he said I did amazing-he thinks when it's time for the transfer my body will react to it well! He also took at look at my ovaries, tubes, cervix and uterus. Said everything looks great (in fact I have a 19mm follicle that is about to drop--all on it's own--which is not that big of a deal since I've been known to produce and drop very nice follicles, it's getting them to fertilize and implant that I have a problem with) Since I am able to produce a nice sized follicle on my own he feels very confident that I will be able to produce many decent sized follicles in time for retrieval. He mentioned something I've never heard about, or read about which is freezing some of Zach's sperm. He said it basically just 'prevents' a bust cycle since you can't predict the future...He had some really great points about you never know if the male will get sick or just plan and simple produces a bad count the day of the retrieval, so they collect some to have frozen just in case--which is another thing I love!

So whats next? I go next week to get blood work for my progesterone level, then we are in the waiting game for my cycle...once that starts I will start birth control for one week then my shots...so in a couple weeks we will begin our very first IVF journey!

So blessed and thankful!!! :)

Will Tomorrow be the Beginning?

2011-03-28T09:13:00.005-05:00

I can't believe our consultation appointment is TOMORROW... I can honestly say I never thought we would ever be able to proceed with IVF...

What will tomorrow be the start of?

Will it be the start to the answer of many prayers?

How will everything end up?

Will we get our hopes up?

Will I finally be able to tell my friends and family we are expecting?

Will Tomorrow be the start of our Beginning?

Only one knows for sure, and I have all my trust and faith in Him!

I wish I knew that 'happily ever after' would follow this appointment, but unfortunately thats not how life works! I do know that no matter what the outcome of this journey we have been blessed to experience it, thankful for the opportunity!

Hammock....gone bad

2011-03-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

After begging for hours to put up the hammock we finally convinced Zach to hang it!

He decided he would 'gradually' sit down, making sure it was tightly hung on the trees...

YAY! It worked...he was so proud...sitting back, relaxing...looking out at the lake...not a care in the world!

............................

That was until he busted it...sadly we all found humor in his fall; he was a trooper as always and laid there while Ashley snapped this candid moment on camera! :)

1 week

2011-03-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

One week from today we will be sitting at the RE for our 1st IVF consultation!

I have everything ready...questions...timeline of my cycles & the past five years...all typed up!

I'M READY!!

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
- Isaiah 40:29-31

Definition of 'Relaxation'

2011-03-20T19:57:00.005-05:00

Friday night we headed to local campsite with some friends to camp for the weekend...

Just what the I needed to keep me RELAXED :)

I enjoyed taking pictures of my friend Ashley's sweet little ones;

We watched an amazing sunset...

Did a little fishing...while watching an amazing sunset...

RELAXED and Gazed at the beautiful sky some more...

Took at much needed nap....

Continued to gaze at the amazing picture God painted us..

RELAXED in the hammock some more...

Ate the BEST home made pickles I've ever had!

Continued to enjoy the scenery...

Had an overall amazing weekend...thankful for weekend such as these and family and friends who make it great!

Little Moments

2011-03-14T10:01:00.003-05:00

It's the little moments in life that I love so much...

Moments when my husband takes my hand and embraces me and says '15 days'...

Moments when my friend grabs my hand and says 'were praying and routing for y'all'...

Moments when we are walking through a store and Zach picks up a pair of baby shoes and tells me how much he likes those...

Moments when family sends me sweet cards regarding our upcoming journey...

Moments when my husband lays on my belly while praying for a successful journey...

Moments when my sweet friends countdown the days until our visits...

Moments when your grocery shopping and a complete stranger walks up to you and says 'I read your blog, I'm praying so hard for you and your family'...

Moments when you realize how much support you have!

We are ever so blessed; I am so thankful for all of these little moments that will lead up to our big moments...I am thankful for all of these memories; no matter where this journey leaves us!

::15 days::

Twenty

2011-03-08T13:04:00.001-06:00

20 days...Zach told me last night he IS ready...I'm still as nervous as I am excited. What if we don't like this new clinic...what if they dont want to start with IVF.

Relax Tiffany....I know, it's actually the FIRST time in this journey where I don't want to scream when someone says 'relax'....I know everything will be ok...I know this is the path we are supposed to be on!!

In 20 short days I will start the scariest, most stressful, trying, hardest, fulfilling, exciting and happiest journey we have been on...what a rollercoaster it will be!! :)

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Life without Blogs?

2011-03-04T07:00:00.000-06:00

What would I do without Y'ALL?!

I mean that!

There aren't many friends that I can talk to when I get emotional, not everyone understands...

But it never fails, no matter how discombobulated I think my post may seem, someone that reads it 'gets me'!

Means alot! A WHOLE LOT!

Sometimes I feel alone, by myself...tired of explaining our story, tired of explaining why I'm sad, mad, upset or frustrated...I start a post and end it thinking 'no one will even understand this blob of rambling' But y'all do!

I'm so thankful for technology, so thankful for my blogger friends, so thankful for the emails I get daily, I've been sent so many books on infertility from y'all, articles, cards...It's amazing to know people understand and care!

I have maybe a handful of friends in real life that understand, I wouldn't even say my whole family understands everything...some try! My grandma goes to the library and reads my blog and researches whats new with us, my mom writes everything down in a journal so she doesn't forget with her short termed memory...but some act as though they could care less (or maybe thats just how I feel!)

After so long it's easy to feel forgotten...you see your family get giddy over new babies in the family, here them mention about how they want grandchildren or great-grandchildren and you feel ashamed of your body, broken...like a failure. You start a new job, just when people started somewhat understand at your old job now you have to re-explain yourself...no one really gets it; no one!! It comes a point when people ask you if you have kids and instead of going into the whole spill you just say 'not yet'...when they rudely ask why, you reply 'just not ready' or 'just not time'...when deep down in your heart your screaming and crying...

In a world of infertility one can feel alone, but thanks to this silly little blog y'all have made me realize I'm far from alone, THANK YOU! Your support means the world to me!

EMOTIONAL

2011-03-03T07:00:00.000-06:00

I'm so emotional, I'm so stressed...there are so many thoughts on my mind.

Can I really handle this upcoming journey? Am I really strong enough for this?!

I know I can, but I doubt myself at times....alot of times actually.

As excited as I am, I'm also very nervous and scared.

Everyone keeps saying this will 'work', as much as I pray it does I've watched many of friends go down this path and it NOT work. I want it to work with all my heart and soul, but honestly I'm scared it won't.

I'm trying NOT to be negative, and I really think I am just being rational-I just have gotten my hopes up many of times and I don't want to break into a million pieces if I don't see a positive pregnancy test.

I WILL be ok...I am ready for this jump...just nervous!

(My poor husband, if I am this emotional OFF of hormones, imagine when I start taking them!)

5 years

2011-03-01T06:00:00.000-06:00

5 years ago today Zach and I started trying for a little one...5 years ago today our lives changed forever! The past 5 years have been the hardest, saddest, most rewarding, trying, difficult yet encouraging years of our life! With ever year that passes I always think this will be my LAST 'yearly March post'...

I normally DREAD the month of March, the heartache this month brings...it's an anniversary I could care less for. Another year of trying to conceive...not something that I want to jump up and down about! March normally breaks me, I can be so strong but as soon as March turns the corner my tears are uncontrollable...how can one word 'infertility' make March unbearable?!

HOWEVER, I'm happy to say this is the FIRST year I can actually say that I'm ok...bring on the month of March. Partly because our IVF consultation IS in March; but partly because I have fully accepted this journey & believe in my heart that good things come to those who wait. This journey was meant for Zach and I, this journey has brought us soo much closer in life & our marriage!

29 more days!

I'm Holding On...

2011-02-21T18:36:00.003-06:00

I have had so much on my mind lately, and I am not sure how to sort all of my thoughts. I feel guilty for being so excited about our upcoming IVF journey. I realize how ridiculous that sounds. I guess it feels weird having it handed to us when there are so many couples out there whose insurance will not cover it...I am blessed, but I feel sad at the same time. Why are we so deserving of this? Why can't insurance cover infertility issues for everyone?!

I guess I don't feel worthy of this journey, I see others struggling like us, I read so many others blogs...why does this journey have to be so hard. Why can't starting a family be 'easy'. I'm holding onto faith!

When Zach and I first met, we daydreamed about our future. I remember Zach planning our whole life out, when we would get engaged, married, when we would start trying for kids, how many we would have...if only it were that easy! For some it is, for some it's far from that!

I can't imagine my life without infertility as crazy as it sounds, I'm so thankful for this journey because of who it has molded me into, not to mention our marriage growing so much closer due to this. I'm so used to this journey, I can't picture myself actually pregnant. I want to be pregnant, ohhh so bad....I guess I am just used to this, I know nothing else other than use struggling to conceive...will we finally be able to beat this journey?! I'm holding onto faith!!!

'Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to'

35 MORE DAYS!

Urgent Prayers Needed

2011-02-17T18:44:00.005-06:00

I am posting this for one of my dear & sweet friends, y'all have probably heard me mention her on here from time to time, Rosemary.

Her sister in law was in a horrible accident and in major need of prayers right now, below is Rosie's exact blog post:

If you are a FB friend of mine, you've already heard...but My SIL Alissa was in a terrible accident last night. She hit a cow head-on on a rural road and it came through her windshield. She was on the phone with her mom (my MIL) at the time who heard everything. The wreck left her in critical condition, crushing her entire face, torn eye sockets, no teeth & sweeling/bleeding in the brain. She was flown to a hospital nearby, then flown to Dallas soon after. No surgery can be done until the swelling goes down & she is not responding to anyone at the moment.

She plays college softball which is her life, and this will forever change her. Please PLEASE pray for Alissa & my hubby's family at this time. It's extremely difficult.No words can express the pain everyone is going through. Life changes so quickly....

I am asking each one of y'all to please say a prayer for this sweet girl and her family. It would mean a lot to me.You can head over to Rosemary's page by clicking here for any updates she post.

HSG

2011-02-16T09:21:00.001-06:00

As I type this I have a call into my OBGYN's office regarding an HSG. Due to a little Endo that I have I am hoping that they will be able to do my HSG and file in under my medical side of insurance like my other 2 HSG's have been, I know my RE will want a current HSG and its been well over a year and a half since I've had one. However anything I can get done that is not filed under my infertility ins will help me preserve that 15k for invitro!! So please say a little prayer that my doctor gives the a-ok for me to have an HSG for my endo :)

Only 40 days away!

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Why I Love Him

2011-02-14T05:00:00.000-06:00

Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.

There are many quirks and qualities I love about my husband; too many to list, but since it's Valentines Day I thought I would celebrate it with a few things I love about my husband...

I love that he doesn't stand in front of me, or behind me, he stands right next to me and we walk through all of our journeys in life together.

I love that he can read my mind, he knows my innermost thoughts, he really knows me, and how he can complete my sentences!

I love his terrific sense of humor, he always knows how to make me laugh-esp. when I need it most!

I love how happy he is first thing in the morning when I am grumpy!

I love his undying faith & his positive attitude!

I love how much he has taught me about life and about myself!

I love that I can ask him dumb or silly questions without feeling dumb :)

I love his devotion to me, to his co-workers, to his family, to our journey!

I love that he is someone who makes happiness happen!

I love that he is so outgoing, which makes me being shy so much easier around strangers.

I love that he is married to me and I am married to him, I love him to pieces, to the moon and back!

Happy Valentines Sweetie, I love you so very much, I hope you will always know just how special you are to me!

IVF Questions

2011-02-11T07:00:00.000-06:00

I knew everything to ask when we went to our last RE consultation over a year 1/2 ago...but now I am drawing a blank...esp. regarding IVF.

I know what IVF consist of, I've done my research (plus some)...I've stayed up many of nights reading infertility books and searching for helpful tips online...

However, is there anything important I need to ask regarding IVF come our consultation?

I am starting my 'fertility clinic book' and I would love to hear from y'all...

What did y'all ask?

What would you suggest asking?

What did you wish you asked but didn't?

Also, please fill me in on anything I 'should' know going into this but may not...if you don't want to leave it in a comment, please email me... tapifer@grandecom.net

Thanks :)

Nerves...48days

2011-02-09T07:00:00.000-06:00

When I made my appt the other day I tried to get it moved up sooner, partly because I knew if it was sooner that would give me less time to be worried but most importantly because I am so eager to start this journey; but March 29th was the first available consultation. My first reaction was a a sigh of frustration...I've waited 5 years for this, and I have to admit I wanted it 'now'...I didn't want to wait any longer...

God has blessed me with patience, if he wants me to wait 48 more days till we can start this journey, I will accept that and do so happily.

When the lady on the phone started taking my information I started crying, she apologized that there wasn't another date available...'it's not that I replied' she asked kindly what was wrong...'I've waited a long time for this appt, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited, I feel blessed...my emotions are everywhere...' I apologized for getting so emotional over the phone she explained that she was used to this reaction, and that everything would be ok.

When I hung up I sobbed even harder...why? I am not for sure?? My stomach feels in knots, I can feel my heart in my throat and tears just keep coming...

I'm so happy...and nervous!

This is a step that I've prayed a long time for, although I do not know the outcome of this path I am so beyond blessed to be able to walk down it.

....in 48 days, I will know the 'next' step to this journey :)

49 days

2011-02-08T07:00:00.001-06:00

Till our IVF Consultation with the Temple Clinic....

Vacation Pictures

2011-02-07T07:00:00.000-06:00

(Warning...Picture overload!)

Zach and I at 3AM...yes you heard me right, gates open at 3AM in order to get a good view, we were still back a little ways in the crowd, but we had a great view! It was very cold, but so much fun! They put on a HUGE show!! It was amazing!

Look at the huge crowd just in front of us..

After the prediction (when he saw his shadow and decided that there will be an early spring) they annouced that you could get your picture taken with Punxy Phil, I darted in that line so fast, in fact I left Zach and his brother chasing after me...we waited about 10 minutes unlike some who waited close to 2 hours...

They had little groundhogs around the whole town, I wanted my picture taken with everyone of them, unfortunately thats near impossible, esp. on groundhogs day...so I just picked a few :)

My brother in law, Zach and I got our picture taken with one of the inner circle members..

To celebrate all of the 'groundhog' birthdays they have this huge birthday bash for everyone who has a 2-2 birthday; you get a piece of cake, punch and a present...Zach snapped a picture of me before I tried to eat my cake (eating a really sweet birthday cake at 7am before you even had breakfast is rather hard, ha!)

After walking around town we went to this little diner called, Punxy Phils Restaurant, We sat right next to an elderly couple which the gentleman just so happened to be an retired inner circle member, he told us so much behind the scenes stuff about Groundhogs day, it was the most interesting birthday breakfast I've ever had!

BEAUTIFUL

When we arrived back in Illinois we had a little fun in the snow that the 2011 blizzard had left; let me just say...it was ALOT of snow!

I loved every bit of it...the cold up north isn't quite like it is down south, it doesn't cut right through you up there in my opinion like it does here...maybe it's just more bearable because there is snow to play in vs. here :)

In some places the snow piled up to above our waist!

One night the snow fell so hard and so fast, it was beautiful!

Zach, his brother and his dad!

Our trip was amazing, I thoroughly enjoyed the snow and loved the scenery!

SUPER BOWL

2011-02-06T14:50:00.003-06:00

The Super Bowl is today...it shouldn't be a shocker to anyone, we are routing for the

STEELERS

BLACK & GOLD

HERE WE GO STEELERS....HERE WE GO!

Vacation- 2011 Blizzard

2011-02-04T16:47:00.004-06:00

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, I had an amazing day! Punxsutawney was great! So much more than I ever expected it to be; it was like a HUGE birthday party...I asked Zach if we could do this every year, he said no! Oh well...it was absolutely great!I took lots of pictures that I will be posting whenever I get home (I attached 3 from my phone for now)!

In the mean time while we were on vacation IL received a heck of a blizzard, actually one of the biggest ever! I thought a foot of a snow was alot, BOY that is nothing compared to what we have here now! In some areas it comes up to your waist...it's quite amazing to see so much snow! The whole town (well alot of towns in the surrounding area) have been shut down...the roads are bad and I am kinda nervous about traveling back home tomorrow!

Speaking of snow, our home in Texas received at least 2 inches of snow while we were gone! I know they doesn't seem like much, esp if you are used to getting 'alot' of snow in your area...but that is ALOT for Texas!! ALOT! I am glad it snowed, my mom, who is watching our dogs, was able to to take the dogs out to play in it! Sasha loved it, Peanut and Ginger...not so much!

This has been an amazing vacation, and I am sad that it's almost over....although I'm off till Monday so I still have a couple more days, I'm sad that we have to leave, although I am a little over the cold weather (it's been in the single digits) I absolutely love it here!

Haaapppppy Happppppyy

2011-02-02T05:00:00.000-06:00

I'M GETTING OLD....

I saw one of my old teachers the other day at work, she taught me Health when I was a freshman or sophomore (I'm so old I can't remember which year) but that was 10+ years ago, and she said 'You haven't changed a bit'....THATS A GOOD THING RIGHT? being 27 but looking like I still do in highschool....good? or bad?

By the way....it's Groundhog Day and I GET TO SEE IT IN PERSON!!!!

Oh happppppppy dayyyyyyy!!!!!!!

Diet of Choice

2011-01-24T07:00:00.001-06:00

A couple people have emailed me about my weight loss, and exactly what I did.

My diet of choice is low carb. One being that I have PCOS and cyst love carbs. When your insulin level is elevated you have more cyst on your ovaries, I was told, to avoid this, 'watch your carb intake'....SO when I was seeking to lose weight it wasn't hard picking the diet I wanted to do.

I have tried dieting MANY times and failed, what helped me THIS time is my husband joined along with me and we did it 'together'.

We ate no more than 20 carbs a day for 2 solid weeks. It's hard-no lying about it, it was very hard. The first two weeks are the hardest. After that we did a week of no more than 40 carbs...it was so much easier. From then till now, we just watch our carbs. We don't eat near as much bread, when we go out to eat to a place like Olive Garden or Red Lobster that serves bread we ask for 'NO bread' before it's brought to our table; if we are tempted we only ask for two bread sticks or rolls. We aren't big soda drinkers, but when we do it's diet, and diet only. We eliminated every bit of bad food from our house, you will notice if it's not there your desire of wanting it goes out the window.

What did we eat?

Breakfast was normally an egg or two, maybe turkey bacon....

Lunch was veggies for me, salad, now I eat 1/2 a sandwich on skinny bread, it's about 7 carbs for lunch. I eat a banana or apple with it.

Dinner was the easiest, pretty much any type of meat, seafood, chicken, steak...sides were veggies (avoid corn or potatoes) I HEART CORN, I love it...Corn is my weakness...but corn is full of starch! Starch=carbs...

We trained our bodies throughout this, and it's made losing weight so much easier than I ever imagined. We cheat every now and then, when we go out every now and then we get dessert, but we still focus on eating healthy and watching our carb intake.

I CAN SAY, if you are very active and you exercise alot, you need carbs. The low carb diet is more for those who do not get to exercise every day, but if you have PCOS this is a great diet for ya.

I included a little before and after pic of me....

The before was Christmas 2009, the middle was from Jan 2011 and the left is Christmas 2010. I have lost right about 30lbs and Zach has lost about the same. I personally see the most throughout our faces.

I am NO expert, and still have alot of improvements to do as far as toning and a couple more pounds to shed; but since ya asked I wanted to share our diet of choice... :)

What is your diet of choice? What worked for you and what didn't work?

Our upcoming JUMP

2011-01-20T17:00:00.003-06:00

Thank you to everyone regarding my 'honestly scared' post about our upcoming adventure. I received so many sweet emails, calls, texts and comments...I'm glad to hear I am normal.

I did receive one asking why I am so scared, 'isn't this what I've been wanting'.

I honestly don't think anyone wants to go through IVF, or through the other treatments to get pregnant for that matter, however others like myself will do whatever it takes to conceive our miracle blessing from above. No one starts out saying, I want a baby, IVF sounds fun--lets try that.... there is SOOOOO much involved with going down this journey, ours took years! I'm so grateful for this journey, for this insurance, and look forward to this year.

But the unknown can be scary.

The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I pray to be.

After my original post, I'm relieved to know it's normal to be scared of the unknown. You see right now Zach and I still have two options to becoming parents...IVF or adoption. It's nice to have options, it's nice to know there is always another way you can become a parent if you fail in your current treatment.

When I was having my IUI's, although I didn't want to travel down the IVF path, I knew that it was there if I needed to. When I was told that we needed IVF and my RE didn't want to pursue any more IUI's I was a little heartbroken. I felt like my options were running out, as well as getting more and more expensive.

We have been saving for over a year just for IVF; still actively trying...praying that something would happen naturally. Although Zach and I wanted to try invitro so very bad, were also scared it will not work...if it doesn't work it's not God's plan, we understand that. But going down this path is almost our last resort in having our own biological child...I am nervous.

I am trying my hardest to get all of these emotions out before we start down this path, I woke up the other night sat up in bed and just cried....I'm so unbelievably happy to know that we are approaching this journey, I just wish these scared thoughts would exit my body.

I know my fellow infertile's know the pain when you start your cycle, it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. Well after 5 years I don't dread that time of the month anymore, I don't cry when 'she' shows up, I don't scream and ask God why he didn't bless my womb with a child...I have finally accepted his plan for us, and it doesn't hurt 'as bad'. When I had my IUI's, especially the last one, it was awful...I remember the day like it was yesterday-I was SO hopeful, I just KNEW it would work, I was at work and it literally made me sick, I went to a fellow coworkers desk, dropped to my knees and just sobbed. I DON'T want that to happen again. I think I am a strong girlie, but I know for a fact that if this doesn't work I will be so sad, and I don't want to be.

I know thats normal, to be sad that is...and maybe me being scared is me protecting my heart, it's just taking me a long time to get to this point and I don't want to break. I don't want to get my hopes up...I just honestly want this to work, but I'm scared.

I am beyond ready for this jump, this path that I've prayed for....in fact we have actually thought about starting at the end of February, but I still think March will be the month we start...point is, we are excited and can't wait.

I just pray that these scared thoughts will leave me soon; I just want 'only' the happy and excited thoughts. I know, can't have my cake and eat it too....you can't have one without the other, thats part of life :)

I guess theres only one thing left to say....CAN MARCH GET HERE ALREADY!!!!! :)

Infertility Support

2011-01-19T07:00:00.000-06:00

I have had several request to be on the infertility support page, 5 just today. 3 on the trying to conceive section and 2 that have been blessed with little ones on the way.

I encourage you to head over there and meet all of these amazing ladies.

Infertility is a hard path, support is key. I looked everywhere for someone who would understand my feelings in the beginning. Please reach out to those who are trying to conceive, pray for them. For those who have conceived their blessings, read there stories...they are inspiring and give hope to me and others.

If your name isn't up there and you would like it to be just email me and I will get it there as soon as possible.

Groundhog Day

2011-01-18T07:00:00.000-06:00

Guess who gets to spend her birthday watching this adorable, kinda creepy looking- extremely 'large' Groundhog known as, Punxsutawney Phil, very soon....

ME!

Since I was a little girl I've always wanted to spend my birthday watching the groundhog come out in person! I know it sounds silly, but sharing a birthday with this little creature's holiday I want to see in real life what it's all about...and I finally get too :)

Some little facts about Phil the groundhog! :)

On February 2, Phil comes out of his burrow on Gobbler's Knob - in front of thousands of followers from all over the world - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.

According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.

No! Phil's forecasts are not made in advance by the Inner Circle. After Phil emerges from his burrow on February 2, he speaks to the Groundhog Club president in "Groundhogese"(a language only understood by the current president of the Inner Circle). His proclamation is then translated for the world.

The celebration of Groundhog Day began with Pennsylvania's earliest settlers. They brought with them the legend of Candlemas Day, which states, "For as the sun shines on Candlemas Day, so far will the snow swirl in May..."

Punxsutawney held its first Groundhog Day in the 1800s. The first official trek to Gobbler's Knob was made on February 2, 1887.