Hard...

I went into this journey with a clear head; knowing my odds of this working, knowing that it would come with some good times and bad times. I prepped myself and stayed focus on the day we were on, therefor I wouldn't get my hopes up about the end picture. 

Well that's hard!

I had a gut feeling that none of our other babies in the making would make it to freeze, but I sure was praying for at least one--I got the call that none made it, I cried.  I'm so beyond happy, so beyond blessed and thankful for these two perfect babies who are hopefully burying themselves inside there new home; however at the same exact time I am scared of the unknown. I am scared at the thought of this not working, what if we don't have time to do another whole cycle before my work closes

God never said life was easy...

When you are doing your shots, you know the outcome that you want from those, you want mature follicles--when you do you retrieval you know the outcome you want--you want many mature eggs removed--the next day you want to hear how many of your eggs fertilized--then it's a day by day waiting game...I had fears along the way, but I always kept the reality of knowing that things could go either way.

Although I still know reality and I know this might not be the path God choose for us, it's HARDER now then ever...

There is NO way around not getting my hopes up now, there is no way around not being devastated if this doesn't work...I am so much in love with two little Pifer beans that if this isn't meant to be, it will devastate me.

I know some may think it's absolutely crazy to fall head over hills in love with 2 little 'cells without heartbeats'...but the thing is, when Zach and I look at those 'cells' we see our babies, we see a little of him and a little of me, we see life in the making that WE created. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't thank God for our little beans and pray that they attach so that we can hold them in our arms in 9 months. WE WANT THIS, and it's hard not knowing how things will end.

This journey will end with tears, we know this...we just don't know if they will be tears of joy or tears of sadness. Only God knows that--and no matter how HARD this is, we trust in Him!

What If...

A lot of what if's keep rambling through my mind...

WHAT IF I moved wrong...

WHAT IF I sat up wrong or twisted the wrong way...

WHAT IF when I woke up on my stomach if thats ok...

WHAT IF I hurt them in any way unintentionally...

WHAT IF I am not providing them the best home they need...

I worry about them, I worry that I will do something wrong, I want the best for my babies, I want them to grow grow grow, if I could lay down for the next 2 weeks and not move a muscle I would.

God is in control, He is the ONLY one that knows the outcome of this journey, we just have to have Faith that no matter what our fears may be if this is what He wants for us it WILL happen!!

Our Amazing Day...

Let me start off by saying this was by far one of the most emotional, amazing and sweetest day of my life. Zach & I knew it would be amazing, but no one could have prepared us for the happiness and emotions that would come with having our babies put inside there new home...

I got to the hospital and went into the clinic area to talk to our embryologist about our babies, he explained that we had two amazing babies that were ready, however the others were lagging behind a little. He said he would give them another day or two to see if they would turn to the blast stage so that we can freeze some; I really thought not having any to freeze would hurt extremely bad, but at that moment when he showed me a picture of our two perfect babies I couldn't do anything but smile...

Zach and I are the parents to 2 of the cutest Pifer Beans I've ever seen! How can it be possible to love something so much that doesn't even have a heartbeat yet? I love the below picture of Zach and our babies, he is so proud!!!

The below picture makes me tear up every time I see it, the little white part above my fingertip is our babies new home inside me--isn't it just so amazing?

I have been taking it easy, haven't done much of anything--Zach is so protective which is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. 

I knew this day would be great, but I never knew how great it would be! 

GOD IS GREAT!

Beyond Blessed

Our beautiful baby Pifer beans are all cozy in their new home now..were praying for sticky sticky beans!!!

Everything we amazing!!!

As of today we do not have any embryos to freeze, I have 4 that he believes will be at the blast stage in a day or two and if so they will be able to be frozen....

It's so surreal to think I have two perfect little beans in me, I'm so beyond blessed and on cloud nine-God is so great!!

I have many more pictures to share once I upload them and am able to get on my laptop, but I had to post a short blog to show off my sweet lil' beans!!!!

Arn't they just lovely??? :)

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Tomorrow

This is the day I've waited for, the last step to this cycle before I find out if I am pregnant or not...

I never thought this day would come; there were moments when the day seemed as though it wasn't moving fast enough; and now it's here! I can't believe it!

Tomorrow I will come home a mommy to 2 beautiful little babies in the making who hopefully are working hard to attach so I can carry them for 9 months!!

I am in awe of this journey, its been a whirl wind ride; but it's been amazing!! 

The truth is we don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, or the days to come--life is a crazy ride and nothing is guaranteed. 

God has us closely wrapped in his arms carrying us through this and protecting us along the way. 

Our very first transfer is TOMORROW! (can't wait!!!!!)

Half a Dozen

Half a dozen little babies are holding on strong (with possibly more in the making-only time will tell)

We are defiantly going to a Friday transfer (yay!!!!)

God is BIG!

Fertilization Report

This past few weeks have been a crazy emotional roller-coaster ride--I didn't know what to expect with any of it, so I've gone day by day. 

Right now, more than ever, day by day is what I'm holding onto.

As I mentioned before I didn't know what to expect with my retrieval; 38 was more than I could have expected. My fertilization report was no different; the Dr. told me what to expect (which was about 1/2 of that to be fertilized) but other than that I didn't know how to expect things to play out--ideal I would have loved to see 10-15 if not more to fertilize in hopes to at least have 8-10 make it to transfer for 2 to be transferred and 6-8 to be frozen.

I got my call this morning and it didn't go near how I'd hoped for-- 'Only 2 have fertilized' shot through me like a bullet as my Dr. told me about my babies...I was am discouraged but I know in my heart it only takes 2; it's just not the odds I expected or wanted. He explained to me that there were several that had '2 polar bodies' (that is the step right before fertilization) So he explained that he would re-check on them at noon and call me back---so now I sat all morning with my stomach in knots anxiously awaiting for that call...

I have 5 fertilized right now; 5 out of 38 eggs...I would be lieing if I said I wasn't a little bummed or worried.

Don't waste your breath telling me 'It only takes 2' or ' 5 is better than none' because I know that; I honestly and truly do KNOW that. Although I am discouraged don't think for one moment that I am not thankful for those 5 that have fertilized--because I am extremely thankful and blessed; I just hope and pray those 5 make it to transfer.

My Dr. did mention that there are still several with 2 polar bodies so he is expecting to add to that number tomorrow. This whole journey has been a day by day step and a slow process; why would I expect for that to change now?? 

So as I sit here tying this post I have alot going on in my mind, I've cried tears of happiness and tears of anxiousness. These are my babies were talking about (yes they are just cells to many, but these cells are our babies) and I don't want anything to happen to them; so alot is going on through my mind.

Again, no one said this journey was easy, I just never thought it would be so hard. We will continue to hold onto Faith, Hope and leave the rest in His hands--He will walk us through this day by day.