Saturday, December 20, 2008

Not So Good Morning....

Well, our first IUI wasn't successful. I started my cycle this morning. I would love to say that this "strong" women you know and admire is being strong, but that would be a lie. This cycle was one of the hardest ones I have ever been through. When i woke up and discovered my worst nightmare was coming true I sat there on the potty and couldn't move, I didn't cry but I just felt like someone ripped a part of me out...the hardest part of all was telling Zach. I couldnt find the words "I started"...I couldn't get it out...I didn't want to see the hurt on his face...when i told him I could see the sadness in his eyes, they filled up with tears then thats when my tears came. He hugged me and told me he loved me and that we would get through this...I of course just kept asking "Why". Shortly after all that, he got a call that he had to go into work...well I knew when he left that I would break down....I tried going back to sleep so that I didn't have to face reality, however once he left the crying started....I cried until I had no more tears...I screamed until my voice hurt...I feel like I have lost a baby...a baby we never really had....but I feel like I just experienced a "miscarraige without being pregnant". Normally I handle this time really well, normally I see the neg. pregnancy test or look at "Aunt Flo" and say..."OK, maybe next month"...."this wasnt my time"....HOWEVER, this cycle was different....this cycle we invested so much time, energy and emotion into. This cycle this strong women wasn't very strong at all...heck I didn't even know what strong was at the time.

As of now, my head just hurts, my throat hurts and my eyes feel like there swollen from crying so much....my heart feels a little better and I know I will be ok. I don't know why God didn't bless us this time, but i do know he had his reasons. I have faith in him and I know that one day Zach and I will have our blessing from above. Today was one of the hardest days ever and it's no where near over. I wish I could go back to sleep...wake up and this all be a dream. God has his reasonings....everything happens for a reason, I just keep telling myself this...

As far as whats next....not sure yet. My Dr. wanted to do one more IUI before our "med break" however leave it up to me and having days fall on holidays...day 12 falls on New Years Eve, so I am not sure how this will work out. I will call them Monday and see, either we will be starting another round of fertilities Monday or we will be starting our few month "med-break".

Thank you for the prayers, just please keep them up!

10 comments:

Melody said...

I'm really sorry! I really thought this was it for you. I will be praying for you!

The Freas' said...

I am so so sorry!! next time will be your time and only you can decide when that is. You are the one that has to be ready. It is such an emotional time and you deserve to be upset take this day and get it all out and then tomorrow and every day after that it will get a little easier. If you need anything I am here for you always. God bless!

~the mccrarys~ said...

I got teary when you told me this morning =( I'm so heartbroken for you guys. You continue to amaze me though with how strong you really are. You may not feel it now, but you still show strength in your character. Keep up your faith sweetie!
Always here for you,
Ashlee

Ape and Brett said...

hey love.. im very very sorry this round didn't work out. I was really sad when i heard the news yesterday morning. I prayed for you girl and Im continuing to pray for you. Event hough you dont feel like a strong woman right now, you still are and you are still one of my heros. You are right, God has his reasonings, those we do not know, only he does. Let the tears out, let the hurt cries out, just let it all out. Sometimes its the only way to make you feel better. Im always here for you guys.. You call me, txt me, or email me if you need ANYTHING. We ♥ you

Ashley said...

I know how you feel!! Nothing can describe it...you want to be strong but it is soooo disappointing!! It does feel like a miscarriage without being pregnant...itsn't that weird! ONe day this will work for us...we just have to trust in GOD! I am praying for you

Mimi said...

Hugs to you sweetie. My toilet was my crying post too. I have had many cries on it. I will be praying for your heart to heal so you can move to the next cycle. God will bless you soon. It is going to happen!

Kami

Deadly Glitter said...

oh tiffany, i am so sorry. i was out of town this weekend and i wondered how you were. i started having pregnancy symptoms. i know that my mind has played tricks on me before. today my boobs just kill. which is not normal for me. but, i am not optimistic. i cheated and took a test this morning and it was a dude. i know i am not out until i get af, but i cried all morning. i know us women try to bear all the burden from our husbands. my husband has many times gotten his hopes up and they have been crushed. i would rather me feel the pain then him. have you ever had your husbands sperm tested? my husbands is not good, and i wasn't ovulating. i pray for you. i know that i will be giving up after this cycle. not for any reason other than the rollercoaster is a morale killer. you have so many people that love you on this site. i know that god will reveal his plan soon. hang in there.
erin

The Pifer's said...

EVERYONE....THANKS FOR THE COMMENTS :o)I am doing so much better!!!!

Erin, thanks sweetie...yes Zach has been tested and he is perfectly a-ok. Keep your head up and don't get discouraged!!!! ::HUGS::

Sandra said...

Im so sorry...

April said...

I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you right now.


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