Well, our first IUI wasn't successful. I started my cycle this morning. I would love to say that this "strong" women you know and admire is being strong, but that would be a lie. This cycle was one of the hardest ones I have ever been through. When i woke up and discovered my worst nightmare was coming true I sat there on the potty and couldn't move, I didn't cry but I just felt like someone ripped a part of me out...the hardest part of all was telling Zach. I couldnt find the words "I started"...I couldn't get it out...I didn't want to see the hurt on his face...when i told him I could see the sadness in his eyes, they filled up with tears then thats when my tears came. He hugged me and told me he loved me and that we would get through this...I of course just kept asking "Why". Shortly after all that, he got a call that he had to go into work...well I knew when he left that I would break down....I tried going back to sleep so that I didn't have to face reality, however once he left the crying started....I cried until I had no more tears...I screamed until my voice hurt...I feel like I have lost a baby...a baby we never really had....but I feel like I just experienced a "miscarraige without being pregnant". Normally I handle this time really well, normally I see the neg. pregnancy test or look at "Aunt Flo" and say..."OK, maybe next month"...."this wasnt my time"....HOWEVER, this cycle was different....this cycle we invested so much time, energy and emotion into. This cycle this strong women wasn't very strong at all...heck I didn't even know what strong was at the time.
As of now, my head just hurts, my throat hurts and my eyes feel like there swollen from crying so much....my heart feels a little better and I know I will be ok. I don't know why God didn't bless us this time, but i do know he had his reasons. I have faith in him and I know that one day Zach and I will have our blessing from above. Today was one of the hardest days ever and it's no where near over. I wish I could go back to sleep...wake up and this all be a dream. God has his reasonings....everything happens for a reason, I just keep telling myself this...
As far as whats next....not sure yet. My Dr. wanted to do one more IUI before our "med break" however leave it up to me and having days fall on holidays...day 12 falls on New Years Eve, so I am not sure how this will work out. I will call them Monday and see, either we will be starting another round of fertilities Monday or we will be starting our few month "med-break".
Thank you for the prayers, just please keep them up!