Sorry I have been MIA for awhile--I just have had a million and one things on my mind and when I sit down to write about things, no words seem to come out.
This is a hard post for me to write. So many look at me to be 'strong' or to be inspirational, I feel like I am letting so many down by even saying this...but I am so weak right now!
Momma went to the hospital and had to stay a couple night last week--she is OK and Thank the Good Man upstairs that it was nothing to serious, but it's just so hard. I am the only child-I don't have other siblings to help me with decision or just plan and simple taking care of her--it's hard. I feel so alone and drained (emotionally and physically) at times. And just saying that following sentence makes me feel like the WORST daughter ever. I miss my 'mommy' though...for as long as I can remember I have been taking care of her--it's so selfish of me knowing her situation and knowing she would give anything to be back to her normal state of mind for me to even say--' I need her to take care of me now'...She tries so hard, and she does do a good job, but I also don't unleash all my feelings and worries and sadness to her in fear of just upsetting her even more--I hold my feelings in so much in fear of upsetting the ones I love, I don't want to be that 'debbie downer daughter/friend/spouse'...everyone tells me how strong I am and in reality I feel anything but that!
On another subject of why I feel so blue--my body still hasn't gotten back on the
right track (well...backtrack a moment, my body has never been on the right track, but hasn't gotten back on the track at least it knew...) since my IVF. I just want to move forward, but I still find myself getting so sad over things, really disliking my body...blaming myself for it not working. ((YOU DON'T have to say it, its not my fault and I DO KNOW that...but during my 'whyyyy me moments' I do blame myself)) It's just hard...and if I can be honest with you---I have been so weak, still so broken. How can something that never even 'happened' be holding onto my heart and not letting go?! Does the pain ever go away?
One of my best friends sent me the following quote the other day when all I could do was cry: 'Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength' ....
I know things happen for a reason---I know dark times DO disappear--I know that time heals all pain and the climb of life does get easier. I know that God has a plan for everyone and our moment will come in his time--I know that my family and friends truly love me and I know I am so very grateful to be surrounding by such amazing love and support.
I just don't know why this has to hurt so bad...I wish I could be superwoman at times and shield away all the pain and be as strong as some think I am! :(