Friday, June 24, 2011

Looking In

"There is a beautiful chateau in the middle of the woods.  As I approach it, I am smiling.  I can see the warm glow from within.  There’s a chill in the air and it is starting to rain, so the comforting glow is more than a little inviting.  I am drawn to the chateau.  Its magical and charming.  Maybe this time I’ll be allowed inside.  I feel the chill in the air deepen and there’s a familiar voice in my head telling me to turn around, that its not worth it.  But, if I don’t try to enter, I will never know what awaits for me inside.  Don’t misunderstand; I have seen what awaits me. It is glorious.   But, for some reason I am not allowed to enter.  I have looked through the glass and what I have seen keeps me coming back for just one more try. 

There have even been times when I have found what I thought must be the key.  I usually stumble upon these keys after I have been searching for quite some time.  Just when I think that all hope is lost, a key will appear.  I think, “This is it!  This MUST be it!”  I usually run as quickly as I can to the chateau.  I have been waiting to enter for quite some time, for years in fact.  I run right up to the front door, I insert the key, my heart is so full of joy and hope that I feel as though it could pound right out of my chest.  ”This is it!”  I attempt to turn the key, but there is nothing.  Not a click left or right.  Nothing.

I sit down on the little bench outside of the window and I look in.  In these moments, when I was so close, when I’ve allowed myself to believe,  I feel most alone.  The rain is picking up and I am glad.  This way, they won’t see my tears.  I can see most of the women I know inside.  They are all there.  My best friends, my beloved family members, my colleagues, my neighbors, they are all inside.  I can watch them enjoy the warmth.  I am happy that they get to experience it, of course I am.  If I were jealous, that would be ugly of me, and I am not an ugly person.  I can observe the glow from afar but, for some reason, I have not been  granted entry.  I put my hand to the window as I sit and watch, all alone, tears rolling down my cheeks being met by raindrops.  ”Why am I not allowed inside?” I don’t understand.

Clearly they want me to enter.  Some of them come to the window and put their hands to mine, but we can’t really touch. For I am outside and they are in.   I see others holding back the tears in their eyes, trying to be strong for me.    And then, there are those who would trade places with me in heartbeat if they could.  But they cannot.  I am on the outside looking in.  I want to scream, to pound on the window and shake the door, but I can’t.  I just don’t have it in me.  My shoulders slump and I shake and sob.  For some unknown reason, I am not permitted to come inside, to experience what seems to be their given right.  It has become apart of who they are.  It is part of what defines them as women, yet I am forced to sit, and watch, and wonder, and wait.  Alone."

(I found this while searching the internet the other day; felt like it described infertility to a 'T', explaining what it's like for any women waiting to become a mother--kudos to the amazing person who wrote this)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


As painful as it is, I want to remember everything.

From the shots, to the retrieval, to the transfer...

I love looking at pictures, reminiscing about the happiness that flowed through our hearts (even if it brings some tears)...

I don't want to forget anything. Because truth be known I'm scared we won't be able to do this again. I'm scared we won't see another IVF or even another positive pregnancy test. Maybe it's me being a little protective of my heart, call it being negative if you want--I'm just terrified of the unknown.

IVF is far from pleasant, it was such a hard journey--but I miss it! I want to do another one-NOW, I want another opportunity to have our miracle baby-NOW...I'm scared we won't get that. I'm terrified actually. 

I have faith in God's plan, always have and I always will...but I wouldn't be human if I wasn't scared of the unknown; and I surely wouldn't be normal if I wasn't sad about it not happening any time soon.

::Sigh:: I guess I'm just left remembering...

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day

I wanted this post to be so different; I had an amazing day planned for my amazing husband--and I feel so bad that he is having to spend Fathers Day like this. My sweet husband may act very tough, even to me...but I know deep down how bad he is hurting today.

I do know that when God blesses us with a child my husband will make a terrific father; after my transfer Zach would kiss my stomach each night and morning, and pray for our sweet little beans. He would tell them  'Daddy loves you, hang in there', he was so very protective of me and our little beans. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man, one who I know will be one of the best fathers in the world! 

I could not have gone through this without Zach-he has been my support, he has held me up when I wanted to fall down. He is literally my rock and my strength! I love him with every beat of my heart; I know one day he will be a daddy, some how, someway...God will make that happen-I believe that and I can't wait till that day comes when he can experience fatherhood! 

So on Fathers Day, I honor my husband in so many different ways. He is MY inspiration throughout all of this. I love you honey!!!

(Happy Fathers day to our Dad's and sweet Grandpa's as well!!)

Friday, June 17, 2011

It's a step...

When I was testing positive for that wonderful week; I lined my test up on the back of the toilet and watched my lines get darker, all 20 test (yes I should own stock in pregnancy test)...but it's something about seeing those 2 pink lines that you just can't have enough of!

The day I realized things were headed south I put all my test in a zip-lock bag and put them in our cabinet. I couldn't yet throw them away in hopes that 'maybe just maybe' the negative test were faulty, but I couldn't stare at them due to the heartache it brought me.

The other day I was off work and decided to clean the whole house, including the cabinet. I sat down on the bathroom floor and laid out all of the test; I smiled as I put the test in ordered seeing those lines get darker. Even now it somehow brings warmth to my heart; and as I hit #19 and #20 my tears began to flow again--the heart ache of seeing that line disappear. 

How one little line can make a world of a difference....

I put them back in the bag and up in the cabinet; but then it dawned on me--why am I keeping these? These aren't my babies...this isn't going to bring me anything put sadness...this isn't going to make the pain go away.

So I grabbed them and stormed outside to throw them in the trash; the minute after I did that I regretted it---what if, just what if those are the only positives I ever see...maybe I should have held onto them! Just in case you know?!

I wept in confusion, I wept because I missed seeing those 2 pink lines. I wept because it didn't work. 

But in those moments of sadness, I also wept because I saw those lines--God blessed me with being able to see 2 pink lines, I can actually say I 'can' make a test turn positive now (for a while I was beginning to think I wasn't capable of doing that!) I don't know why God choose this to end the way it did, but I know in my heart that it was for a valid reason. I will continue to hurt throughout the days, but the pain will eventually get better and fade away. I will never forget the happiness or sadness that those test brought me; but I am glad I was able to let them go...

It's a step to's a step in the right's a step that God is helping me take!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Whats Next?

Good Question!

When I find out, I will let y'all know! 

I am sure we will pursue another sometime. I'm sad to say it won't be anytime soon! It's not because we don't want to by any means; it's because we can't. 

The only reason we were blessed to be able to do this IVF was due to the insurance at my work; with our store closing we will lose that insurance and sadly we don't have enough time at this store to fit in another cycle. (I've thought about that--trust me)...we also won't be able to do cobra, we've checked into that as well. We've thought about another Talbots for the time being, but due to the fact that most of my insurance money has been used and this next cycle would consist of some out of pocket money the commute just isn't worth it....

So with all of that said, I don't know whats next for us. 

I do know that when God closes doors, He always opens new ones. So we might not know what tomorrow holds-but He does. The unknown paths in life can be quite scary, but with Him guiding us through this we can do it! I'm not quite sure why were presented such an opportunity, like having insurance for IVF, if it wasn't meant to be--however I am sure that in God's scheme of plans it was meant to end this way and was most defiantly an important chapter in our lives. We will look back on this one day and realize why this didn't work; everything will come together and make perfect sense...but for now as hard as it is, we just have to have Faith in the Big Man upstairs and trust in him as he guides us. He presented us the opportunity once, and if another IVF is in His plans for us we will be presented with the option to do another one. Until then, we pray and lean on each other for strength.

I do have to thank each one of y'all for your support, I have received an out pour of cards, emails, texts, calls, and so much love it's unreal! Zach and I really are humbled from the generosity of so many---many that don't even know us in real life-it's amazing the love and support we have. I really can't begin to explain just how much it means to us--how much everyone's kind words are helping to mend our hearts. We are blessed and we thank y'all for everything!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Life will go on...

Throughout the past 5 years I've held onto Faith, I've held onto God's hand as he guided me/us down the path that we needed to be on---I really thought this was 'our' path; although it was our path I thought it would be a little different.

We have gone through alot in these 5 years; especially within the past few weeks...endless amount of shots, bruises & knots that now linger, bloating and hot flashes galore, crazy emotions, and just an overall outer body experience--and as crazy as it sounds I don't regret any of the pain that we/I went through...this was by far the hardest yet most rewarding journey I've ever been through--I've cried more within the past few weeks (and days) than I have within the last 5 years...I know the tears are not over yet; they may come and go periodically throughout the days, but eventually they will fade away.

What no one knows, is I started testing around 7 days past transfer. I really debated if I wanted to or not--I had one test in my cabinet and decided I will just take it to see what it says, to my complete shock it was positive...after work I went to the store and bought 2 more boxes....I decided I would just test a couple more to see if my lines get darker or lighter---they kept getting darker; I was beyond shocked and was in major denial! I caved and tested with a digital, I remember thinking to myself just pop up 'not pregnant' as the hourglass went around forever...I sat it down, brushed my teeth and looked back...the 'not' that's always been in front was not there--- it just said pregnant...I didn't cry, I didn't scream...nothing like I thought I would---I stood there lost in time staring at the word I've longed to see... 'Pregnant'...

I went out to show Zach, both of us were so shocked...very cautious to be too happy, but very hopeful that our dreams were finally coming true. As the days pasted my test kept getting darker and darker...I was getting more and more hopeful---I've never in my life seen a positive pregnancy test, more less several in a row; was this really happening? Were we finally going to be parents?

Thursday the day before my beta I woke up and tested just like I've been doing, I finally found the confidences to not stand over it anymore and wait for the line to pop up, so I went about my morning duties and checked back in on it in about 10 was extremely light--almost negative--my stomach sank. There is no way this is true, I just had a dark positive the night before--as much as I wanted to believe the test was faulty, my instinct told me it wasn't. Something deep down told me something was wrong, at lunch I rushed home and took 2 test, a regular one and a digital--I prayed for it to pop up pregnant, I begged & pleaded to God that the morning test was just wrong, but it had that ugly word 'not' in front of it---my heart broke and I lost it. How could this be happening. Why is this happening.

I tried to remain as positive as I could knowing that God is the only one in control--and anything could happen; but with that said I also was realistic knowing that my chances were slim to none...Friday morning I took another test---praying for things to be different---but once again it was off I went to get my blood work and wait for the dreaded call confirming my nightmare.

 It's awful knowing that your losing the best things that ever happened to you; it hurts more than anything in the world. I am beyond hurt. I just don't understand why this happened the way it did. I knew this would hurt....but I never knew it would hurt this bad!!

If I didn't test leading up to things would it hurt this bad? Probably not....but I am sooo thankful I did. Because for one week, although we were very cautious to be happy--we had hope. I've never seen a positive and although it didn't end the way I wanted it to I am thankful for those times, the fulfillment in my heart when seeing 2 pink lines, and the word's the most amazing feeling. 

I still don't understand things--but I have Faith, I will hurt for a while--but will remain hopeful that our Lord has a special plan in store for us. 'When God sends us on strong, bumpy paths-he provides us with strong shoes'

Life will go on....

Friday, June 10, 2011

It's Over

I had my beta today; came back at a 4...

It's over...

I go back Tuesday to make sure it's gone down then I will stop all shots...

I am heartbroken, beyond heartbroken....

Please keep us in your prayers, when I can see through these tears I will post about all of the details, but for now I just want to go crawl in bed and delete June 10th from my life...

Saturday, June 4, 2011


I get several questions emailed & texted to me I thought I'd answer a couple..

Pretty normal.....besides the awful sinus infection I've been fighting for 3 days now. I would say thats about the only thing I feel. My Dr's have been a little worried because I've had a low grade fever and we have to monitor that, and of course all I can take is Tylenol (which is fine by me, I don't think I'd take anything else if I could in fear of hurting my babies).


Notta thing....but I'm ok with that. I know that several women don't have many symptoms at all, so I am not going to get myself worked up about not feeling anything...I am just going to continue to take one day at a time and let God take care of the rest :)


Haven't decided...if I do I won't disclose anything on here (sorry ladies) IF I am ever so blessed to be pregnant we want to tell our families in a way we will all remember, not them reading it on blogger or face book. Sorry :)


Yes I have been having them, however I've had them from the very beginning of my shots...I eat like a pig! My biggest craving is coconut cream pie, I could eat that daily...and hot fries sounded amazing yesterday...I am not sure if there called cravings or side effects from the shots, but whatever it is I'm surprised my butt hasn't grown twice it's size from the beginning...surprisingly I haven't gained any weight from all this eating!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I went into this journey with a clear head; knowing my odds of this working, knowing that it would come with some good times and bad times. I prepped myself and stayed focus on the day we were on, therefor I wouldn't get my hopes up about the end picture. 

Well that's hard!

I had a gut feeling that none of our other babies in the making would make it to freeze, but I sure was praying for at least one--I got the call that none made it, I cried.  I'm so beyond happy, so beyond blessed and thankful for these two perfect babies who are hopefully burying themselves inside there new home; however at the same exact time I am scared of the unknown. I am scared at the thought of this not working, what if we don't have time to do another whole cycle before my work closes

God never said life was easy...

When you are doing your shots, you know the outcome that you want from those, you want mature follicles--when you do you retrieval you know the outcome you want--you want many mature eggs removed--the next day you want to hear how many of your eggs fertilized--then it's a day by day waiting game...I had fears along the way, but I always kept the reality of knowing that things could go either way.

Although I still know reality and I know this might not be the path God choose for us, it's HARDER now then ever...

There is NO way around not getting my hopes up now, there is no way around not being devastated if this doesn't work...I am so much in love with two little Pifer beans that if this isn't meant to be, it will devastate me.

I know some may think it's absolutely crazy to fall head over hills in love with 2 little 'cells without heartbeats'...but the thing is, when Zach and I look at those 'cells' we see our babies, we see a little of him and a little of me, we see life in the making that WE created. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't thank God for our little beans and pray that they attach so that we can hold them in our arms in 9 months. WE WANT THIS, and it's hard not knowing how things will end.

This journey will end with tears, we know this...we just don't know if they will be tears of joy or tears of sadness. Only God knows that--and no matter how HARD this is, we trust in Him!

The Pifer Family
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