Zach and I stayed in Austin again with my brother in law so that we wouldn't have to wake up extra early to head down there...I must say I really enjoy getting to spend time with him!!
We woke up this morning and I had a pit in my stomach...something I can't quite explain...Zach and I again sported our lovely "purple" attire...however something just felt 'different' about this day...I wouldn't say I was down, but Zach could def. tell I had my mind else where.
Zach: "Tiffany--show me your 'I'm strong face'....
Tiff: " Nah...."
Zach: "Come on....your strong...show it to me"
Tiff: "I don't feel very strong..."
Zach: "You are....now show it to me"
Tiff: "Fine....here"
Zach: (Laughing hysterically)
Tiff: (Laughing hysterically too....)
Zach: "OK...we need a picture of that one..."
And.....this is what my "strong face" looks like....
I must admit, he def. got my mind where it needed to be...
Thank God for goofy husbands--esp. mine :)
I wish I could say that I 'remained' strong throughout the rest of the morning....
This was the one thing I didn't want to happen....I prayed for this not to happen....I did not want to be faced with this decision.
Cancel....or Reduce....
I have tons of follicles....
R: 12.5, 12, 12, 12, 11, 11, 10, 9, 9
L: 20, 19, 16, 15, 14, 14, 14, 12
This was the one thing I didn't want to happen....I prayed for this not to happen....I did not want to be faced with this decision.
Cancel....or Reduce....
I have tons of follicles....
R: 12.5, 12, 12, 12, 11, 11, 10, 9, 9
L: 20, 19, 16, 15, 14, 14, 14, 12
Lining is the same and my estrodiol went through the roof....it was in the 400's now it's in the 2,000's.....
Although they look for follicles to be 20+ before they "trigger" you, a follicle can release once it reaches 14mm...that means I have a total of 7 mature follicles. NOT GOOD. Well...it's good in a sense that the medicine worked, and good that I produced so many more than I ever have, however...now were being asked the one question we have prayed that we wouldn't have to come face to face with..
Ideally....our plan was once we had a 20+ follicle we would trigger that night and do back to back IUI's...however with that many mature follicles that will not be our plan.
Our Dr. asked us today to think about what we wanted to do....we could go forth with the plan of IUI's...however if more than 3 took we would have to reduce the rest, or we could cancel the cycle.
WHY do I have to make this decision. I admit, there is a selfish part of me that wanted to just say "whatever...just get me pregnant; I'll do whatever it takes..." however in my heart I absolutely can't abort any of my babies if more than 3 took. I am not in control and Zach and I will not play God. I am broken and sad that this has come down to this...I am sad that my cycle is just a couple days away from being canceled. All of the shots...all of the blood work...all of the trips to Austin...not to mention the money...and for what? For this to be canceled?
Of course, I cried like a baby in the room...I couldn't stop. Zach held me and tried so hard to pick me up... "Look how far we have come Tiffany...we will get through this...."....to be honest I didn't want to hear anything at that moment...I just wanted to cry. The Dr. came back in to get our decision about reducing or canceling....with tears flooding down my face and my voice going in and out I told her that "we will not reduce"...she said that she has one more option...
I will trigger tonight and go back on Tuesday morning to get a scan to see HOW many of my follicles did indeed release. If it's 3 or less we can do an IUI on Tuesday....if it's more than that my cycle is indeed canceled.
I cried pretty much all the way home...then it dawned on me....it's not about whats on the other side of the mountain...it's not about how long it takes...it's not about the stops in the road ...it's the climb!! God put this in our lives for a reason, EVERYTHING happens for a reason...he is the one in control--"Without faith nothing is possible...with faith nothing is impossible". I've prayed for guidance all morning...I've prayed for strength...patience....this is by far not the way I wanted things to turn out, but this is his plan, not mine!
So instead of asking for prayers for Tuesday to end with an IUI (although that's what I would love to happen!!) I am going to ask for prayers for God's plan to unfold in the desire that he wants. I am going to ask for strength, patience, guidance for my husband and I!!!
I do not know what the future holds for us, more less the next couple days...I am trying my very best to lean on God and let him guide us through this...I am sure today's tears will not be my last, however somehow...someway we will get through this...God has a special plan and I have Faith!!!
Thank you for all the prayers and the sweet messages, I can't express how much they mean to me!!!!
29 comments:
I will pray for God to work out His plan for you and your husbands journey, and that He will give you peace through this. I love the strength and huble attitude, I am sure its not easy at a time like this.
Tiff, though I'm not facing the same struggles, I am facing one and I keep saying "God will not give me more than I can handle, AND, things are not as bad as they seem." I want you to think HOW great this is that you have SO many follicles! Remember Kami's first IVF? She had so many and only ONE made it to IVF! So, really I think more is better! What if only 3 make it? That would be SO wonderful! I am going to pray that three make it! I want this for you SO much! It's hard! I know! But, you know what? This has happened to so many people. The first month is sometimes experimental. Maybe IF it doesn't work this month, doctor will realize that you had just a bit too much meds, next month will give you just a TAD less and things will be perfect. Either way, I've been praying for a BFP this month! I think you should rest and pray until Tuesday!
Much, Much, love and hugs!
~Melody
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
When I was in Honduras a couple of years ago, the director of an educational mission told me that THAT was the verse the kids hung on to when they didn't have anything else.
You and Zach are STRONG.
I'll be praying for you guys.
I will definently be praying for Gods plan to unfold in the way he has set, and for you and your husband to have strenght through this! You have already proved to be so strong and the way you look at things is wonderful! Here is to your "Climb" resulting in your baby. <3 <3 <3
Thinking of you! Stay strong! God will get you through it! Praying for His purpose and plan!
Every cycle is a learning cycle. I started off with super low meds to not over stimulate then I got nothing so hey were able to adjust. So this def. sounds like a learnin expirience for your Dr's who know how AWESOME you respond to the stims.
That being said "I will trigger tonight and go back on Tuesday morning to get a scan to see HOW many of my follicles did indeed release. If it's 3 or less we can do an IUI on Tuesday....if it's more than that my cycle is indeed canceled."
Above sounds like a great idea! Because many may not actually release. So that sounds likeagreat possibilty still!
And a question...Knowing IVF is expensive tho is it possible to like convert to a mini IVF cycle? I know its a semi new thing some places are doing but just a thought ( again I know NOTHING so just a thought)
BUT TIFF you are so strong and so amazing! Seriously we will all be praying for you and for God's will in your life. He's so amazing and even though we don't know what he future holds we know WHO holds the future ( I heard that recently and loved it :)
Hang in there girl and no many prayers are being said for ya!
Hi Tiffany,
I found your blog through Melody's. While I never had the trouble of making too many follicles (in fact I could only mature four during IVF where you want to have a lot), I do know how it feels to have gone so far down this road and get cancelled. My first IVF was cancelled due to a dominant follicle and it was devastating. Its so hard to go through all that and not even get a chance.
That being said, it sounds like you and your RE have a good plan of seeing how many have released before you do your IUI. Chances are those around 14 will not be mature anyway and the one at 20 might be overmature. I got three mature eggs when I triggered them at 17. These things can go any way so have faith and don't give up yet. I'll be thinking of you.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know every situation and every couple is different, but as you may know, I do know what it is like to have something cancelled. Our transfer had to be cancelled after our IVF and I've never hurt like that before. It was so painful. So, my heart hurts for you so much.
We're all here...never leaving you. We love you and Zach so much!
(((HUGS)))
Tiffany,
I will be praying for you! You are so right....God had this all planned out perfectly before you were ever born. It's so hard for us because we can't see what He has planned, but we will all be praying for you and Zach and cheering for you the whole way!
Kristin
Oh Tiffany I hate that you are facing this!!! Please God give Tiffany and Zach the guideance they need right now...
Just a mini story. :-) The twin boys I nanny for were concieved on their fourth inject IUI cycle. The first three cycles they had two to three eggs, nothing. The cycle they conceived the twins? SEVEN mature follicules! The Dr. put it to them this way. This is the fourth cycle with the same plan. Why did it not take previously and now all seven mature will take? I think not. So they did it and ended with two beautiful boys. :-)
God will guide you. At the exact moment you need it, no sooner.
Many prayers for you all!
You have such an amazing attitude. I've been praying for you and will continue to do so. I just know God has wonderful plans for you.
Praying for you Tiff!! I have a good feeling that all is going to work out!!
Keep your head up girlie!! You have come so far and you honestly AMAZE me!! God knows your heart! "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" I know it is tough but someday you will be holding that little miracle (or 3)!!! :o) If ya need anything let me know! You are in our thoughts and prayers!!
I have still be reading and following, but just haven't commented until now.
I am praying so hard for you and Zach right now. I cannot fathom how I would feel to make such a choice, but I do know..I too (we too) could not reduce either. That's not even an option.
I love how you did realize God has a plan for everything, and I am praying that you can go through with the IUI on Tuesday.
I miss you tons and love you dearly!!! Somehow, someway ..mucho kisses and BIG UBER HUGS to you!
Keep your strong face on, God's got your back!
Thinking of you lots! We're in the middle of the same journey, so I know your pain. They just did a GREAT series at our church in Atlanta called "The Waiting Room" and it hits on what we're feeling dead on. If you've got time, you should totally check it out online, because it really spoke to me. It's very much about what you mentioned here - we're not waiting on certain circumstances, we're really waiting on God.
Here's the link if you want to check it out (it's a 3-part series):
http://www.buckheadchurch.org/messages
Click on "The Waiting Room" and it will display the messages.
I'll be praying for you guys! :-)
Oh my goodness, Tiffany. I will definitely be praying for you. All of this is NOT in vain. This is the TOUGH part of faith. You have to just trust God. Stick to what you know about His will and His character and His Word. And that's all you can do. He loves you and wants the best for you. (((hugs)))
Praying for you and your husband.
Just wanted to ask if it might be possible to trigger and just have timed intercourse instead of IUI's? I also had lots of follicles that were 18 and less when I triggered and ended up producing 6 mature eggs. We chose to do TI because we felt like God was pulling us in that direction. This was my second cycle and it resulted in ONE little miracle. My doctor was very surprised that it did not result in multiples. My first cycle I did not respond - after 25 days of meds they canceled it.
Just remember that God is in control!
Tiffany,
You don't know me, but I am a friend of Carla's. (We were neighbors for 7 years.) She posted your blog link on Facebook. I just wanted to say that we will pray for God's will in your life, also. God bless you and your husband for being of such strong faith. God has a wonderful plan for you and you are right to just wait on him. My husband and I struggled with infertility issues for a long time, but we now have three beautiful daughters: Grace Joelle (means "blessing, God is willing") through birth; Dessie Faith (Dessie means "wanted child") through adoption from foster care; and a soon-to-be adopted daughter, Sarah Joy.
The wait will be worth it. But you already know that, I bet. =)
Sandy
Tiffany, I've been watching your blog and even picked up your button and keeping thinking about you and your husband and praying for you.
Tonight, I'm praying even harder. I have tears in my eyes and while I don't know your circumstances, I know the rocky, painful road of infertility. We have three beautiful angel babies in Heaven with no rhyme or reason. Every December, September and May hurts. Every June, January and November, I remember the days that we found that my body had failed us once again.
Tiffany, I know the pain, and the tears and the anger and hurt. Trust me. I know what it's like to just lay everything down, and sob. The day we found out we lost our third baby, I literally used an entire large box of Kleenex.
But I know the joy and peace that comes with giving it up to God and seeing what HIS plan is..HIS desire for us.
So cry if you need to. But know that we are all here, on our knees, praying for you and Zach, the doctors and for God's will to be shown to you.
Praying :)
I'm speechless....I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you,praying for you and Zach and love you!
Hugs!
I'm proud of you for keeping your foot down on your initial decision. It couldn't have been easy but you should do what your heart tells you, even if it's the hardest thing. I'm really proud of you!
I'm so very sorry! this had definitely got to be one of the hardest decisions to make.((hugs!!))
I'm praying that you wont have to cancel this cycle!
Keep your strong face on! I will be praying for you guys!
I am a little late in commenting, but I will be praying for God to reveal His awesome plan for your family! We are probably moving toward IUI in October, and I know I would have the same thoughts as you if I had too many follicles, etc. I will be praying for you!
Hey sweet girl, just be encouraged because God knows the plan even when you don't :)
Oh Tiffany, i am heartbroken over what you are going through. It's all in God's plan, and I am praying for you and Zach.
Tiff- I would go for it honey. Not all are going to take. Some will be more mature than others. That is just my opinion. Hugs to you.
Love you,
Kami
Tiff, I am a little late in commenting and I don't own anything purple (I know, that is crazy) but you are in my prayers. Keep continuing to lean on God and he will guide you in the direction you need to go. I am praying so hard for you that prayers are coming out my ears. Hugs and I wish you and Zach the best.
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