Friday, August 21, 2009

The road must go on....

It’s very hard to put this into words. As I am sitting here, I know what I want to type-however…I can’t find the words to say it.

God had other plans for us this cycle. I know that we will be parents one day, somehow…someway. However it doesn’t appear this will be “our” month. I was scheduled to go to the Dr. for beta blood work next Tuesday, unless I started my cycle before then. Well...needless to say, I will not have to go in for blood work next week…

I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing right now…not sure if I am sad…or mad…or what? To be all honest I feel emotionless, I feel numb…dazed and just plan ‘blah’.

I started spotting last night, I had my share of tears then…but I remained hopeful, I kept on praying… “Please God let this just be implantation bleeding”… although like I told friends, being realistic I knew in my gut it was not. Have you ever been so scared to go to the restroom? Scared to see if you can go on having hope or if your dreams are crushed for that month? I have! I was terrified. Every time I had to potty I got this horrible pit in my stomach and my eyes filled with tears…I would sit down and just pray, “Please God…Please God…Please God…” I would just repeat that over and over again. (Surely if I said it enough he would listen, right?)…

However God had other plans. I trust in him. I have faith in him. Although I will most defiantly have my moments of sadness, my moments of anger, and my moments of tears…I will remain faithful to him. I will keep reminding myself that this wasn’t HIS time. He has other plans in store for us, plans of his own…not ours. God doesn’t do things to punish us; he does things to make us stronger and to mold us into a better Christian. So, as this is another bump in our road it is not the end…we will keep on going forward with our chin held up by God and our fears in his hands knowing that one day he will lead us to our child.

Thank you for the prayers for Poppee, please keep them coming for him and Zach’s family.

50 comments:

Amber Schmidt said...

Someday sweet Tiffany... there will be no more fear for you and you will hold that warm little body in your arms... hugs and prayers.

Jenna said...

Tiffany I'm so sorry. I'll continue to pray for you all!

Kristina said...

I am so sorry to read that. I know exactly the feeling. The spotting starts and the prayers become CONSTANT. Then being afraid to go to the bathroom and the begging that comes with the truth. I am so sorry. There are no words other than I will keep praying. Take your time to grieve and be angry for a while. God understands.

Christy said...

Prayers for you, sweet girl!! Don't know you, but I love you!
Christy

Safe Haven

Kylee said...

I'm sorry that it wasn't your month Tiffany. Don't lose faith, it will happen for you. My best friend too has struggled with infertility. It took a while but it happened, and I KNOW it will happen for you. Holding you and Zach in my prayers. ((HUGS))

The Simmons Family said...

I know it's hard, but keep praying, hold on to that faith. It will happen. I know the feeling of emptiness. I hate that feeling. It went on for 8 years for me and I'm sure it's not even close to what you're feeling. I had Kamryn. I know that it's hard, you are an amazing person full of positivity. It will happen. You will be parents. In God's timing.

Kristin said...

I will be keeping you in my prayers, Tiffany. I cannot imagine how hurt you must be, but I hope all of our prayers will surround and comfort you. I know the Lord is so proud of you for praising Him, even during this storm. Love ya, girl!

Ashley said...

I am so sorry that you had to write this post. I wish I could be with you right now to give you a hug and shoulder to cry on if needed. Keep your faith and you will get your blessing someday! Love you and I am not very far away if you need me.

Our Journey... said...

Praying for you right now... I'm so sorry.

Hannah said...

Sorry to hear that. Praying for you! Wouldn't it be nice if God's timing was our timing too?? But then would it teach us to have faith?

You seem like a very strong,FAITHFUL person. Keep believing!

Jenn said...

I'm very sorry that this was not your month. I will continue to pray for you and Zach to be blessed with a baby.

RACHEL said...

God def has a plan, keep strong in your faith! Praying for you.

Kimberly said...

I'm sorry. HE does have a plan for you though!

Joy said...

I do know that crushing feeling, that feeling of fear. Keep leaning on Him. He has the perfect little one for your family and will time it just perfect, though it's so hard to see that from this vantage point right now.

*HUGS*

Melissa said...

Hi Tiffany

Praying for you to have strength. I hope that you can have a fun and cheerful weekend. But if not it is totally understandable. With love Melissa

Courtney said...

I'm so sorry. Take all the time you need to process all your emotions. They are all valid. Keep your eyes focused on God and He will get you through this. I know He has great plans for you and your hubby.

kirstenpetree said...

I'm sooo sorry...praying for you!

Carrie said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. You and Zach will be kept in my prayers. I can't even imagine how hard this must be.

Tiffany said...

I am so very sorry. Hugs to you my friend, please keep your head up and keep moving forward.

A said...

I am so sorry...lots of hugs today. I have totally been scared to go to the bathroom! At the end of my 2ww, I start thinking that maybe if I never pee, I will hold off AF!! Ha! If that's not delusional, I don't know what is!!

You are being super strong, but give yourself permission to collapse into God's arms and weep- He will hold you until you feel better.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry Tiffany. So sorry! (((HUGE HUGS)))

{your pictures say that the bandwidth has been exceeded for your button and whatever the 2 pictures are at the bottom of this post. Just thought I'd let you know.}

Melody said...

I am so sad to hear this! I will keep praying for you!

Brenton and Jenna Lane said...

No words can really express the pain. I'm so sorry.

Marla.z said...

I'm so sorry. I have been praying and pulling for you this month ever since I found your blog. You are so strong and positive; I'd be crying in my beer. Just know that there are people all over this blogosphere that are pulling for you. Hugs!

ShannonLeideker said...

I'm sorry! Madi anD I continue to pray for the Pifer bean, that I know will makes it's appearance one day!

Suzy said...

im a lurker, but felt i needed to comment. im sorry for what you and your husband are going through. perhaps look into the morphology issue, if 4% of the sample were 'good sperm' is there a way they can just isolate those to give you a better shot next time? seems like you are so close to the finish line..keep it up

Abbie said...

I'm so sorry. I understand. I got a negative test this week and this was my last month on fertility treatments until next year so that we can save the money to go through it. I've had a very rough week dealing with it. My prayers are with you! Know that you aren't alone. Infertility SUCKS!

Elisabeth said...

I am so sorry tiffany, words cannot express how sorry I am when I saw the title of your post I burst into tears. I am praying for you and Zach and Zach's grandpa.

Hugs
Elisabeth

Tracy said...

I have to comment although I don't know you ,I have walked 5 years in your shoes. I know how you are feeling. I'm so sorry for your heart ache right now. Do not give up. Stay strong. Have faith. This makes being a mommy just alittle sweeter when it happens. Believe me. Look ahead, never back.

Your in my prayers,
Tracy

Ashlee McCrary said...

I'm sorry this had to happen & this cycle didnt work out. I'm here for you...

Amy said...

Aw Tiff, I can share those tears with you. I was praying so hard for this to be yours and Zach's month. I know you will remain faithful to God and trust in Him. We both know it's so very hard to keep our heads held high month after month, but it will happen in God's timing, and I still say you and Zach will be the best parents ever. I love ya ...my hot mess, someday, somehow girl ..many hugs to you and Zach!

And of course the prayers are continuing for Poppee and the family.

Chell said...

I am so sorry Tiff & Zac. I will keep you in my prayers that you find the strength to continue on your journey!

"I command you--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you where ever you go" - Joshua 1:9

Deadly Glitter said...

please, please take a test. i don't want to get your hopes up. but my friend had double iuis with injections. she thought she had a period. she started the next cycle and they kept seeing strange things on the ultrasound. she was really already pregnant with twins. please, just make sure. otherwise, my heart goes out to you. i soooooo want you to get there and i know you will! erin

McGee Family said...

I am so sorry. I know that's not enough, but I don't know what else to say.

PS. . . I do kind of agree with Deadly Glitter though - take a test just to be sure, because you never know. The body does strange things sometimes

Grunwaldt Family said...

I was really hoping this was yalls month. Be strong and it will happen.

Amber said...

Im so sorry to hear that this wasnt the month for you but I know that God will show you his perfect timing:)

Stephanie said...

Hon..I am soooo sorry! Your day is coming..I know that doesn't make it any easier right now but you will be so blessed one day soon!

Hugs

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so very sorry. I know there are no words. This post broke my heart. I remember feeling the same feelings. You amaze me with your strength and faith. We love you and are always here for you. (((HUGS)))

Mimi said...

Oh honey. I am so very sorry. Too many years I went through that. Too many. Yu are right though. It is His plans. Not ours. I pray for you daily. I am here for you if you need me. Love you honey.

Kami

Ape said...

Tiffany
I just got on this morning and read the blog. I am so sorry and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I was truly hoping and praying this was it, and this was all the 2 of you needed. I dont understand why this is happening or why he picked the two of you to go through this journey, but you two have something special. Something so special that God has chose the two of you for this specific journey in life. It may not always be an easy journey or task he has set forth for you, but you will prevail and get through this.

Ashley said...

I know just how you feel honey!! Don't give up...it WILL happen. YOu are in my thoughts and prayers! ((HUGS))

Angela said...

Oh, Tiffany, I'm so dreadfully sorry. I will continue to pray for you as you trust God through this seemingly impossible situation!

Emma and Company said...

All I can say is I am praying for comfort you and Zach and Poppee. My heart aches for you and with not even knowing you, I get tears in my eyes. I am glad you have constant faith in our Lord! God Bless you!!

Alicia said...

I'm so sorry to hear this news. Your faith in God is beautiful, He gives you such strength.

AmberKoren said...

Found your blog and read it for the 1st time tonight. Your faith and strenght is inspiring. It took my husband and I 9 months to concieve, which is no time compaired to what you have been though. I had months like this and believe me I cried after potty trips too. I will pray for you, I know God has a plan for you, only this can happen on His time. Stay strong and have faith. One day you will hold His gift in your arms.

*Valerie* said...

Me and David have always said that things will happen for us "IN GOD'S TIME" God's time for yall is coming! Keep the faith...remember Faith looks Up!

G & H said...

Thank you for being so inspiring! I have been a bit down with some adoption stuff and you remind me of my faith and God and how great He is!

Jennie said...

I am so sorry. I will keep praying for you all.

Jamie Fenley said...

I am so sorry, this must be devastating. You and Zach seem like such awesome people, you have captivated so many of us readers. With that comes much prayer!

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

I am sorry to read this.. I really wanted this to be it for you. BUT like.. You said- "God had other plans."

I understand that statement all too well. I have my moments of sadness, anger, and fustration. BUT I am trying my Best to keep moving foward. And also trusting that God has a more wonderful plan for me than I could ever imagine.

God has a plan for BOTH of us.. I KNOW IT!!! I am praying for You and Zack. Keep up your positive additude.. its very encouraging:)

HUGS,
Hannah

PS. Also praying for Poppy..and Family members


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