Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm Trying to Dance in The Rain....

3 ½ years…

42 months…

102 weeks…

1,274 days (give or take a few)… that we have been trying for our first child.

How many more days…how many more weeksmonths…and years do we have to wait?

This journey is most defiantly hard at times…sometimes I want answers, I don’t wait to wait any longer—sometimes I don’t feel strong and I feel as though my patience is done. Sometimes I want God to give me a sign, just tell me if I can get pregnant, let me know that it is ‘possible’ for me to get pregnant…Sometimes I really wish God could tell me when this ‘storm’ will pass.

I know you all have heard the quote “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain”...

That quote is very much true…but after 1,274 days I wonder if I have enough ‘rain’ already—surely anymore and I will need a paddleboat (more like a yacht!)

There are some couples who wait 5…7…10+ years before they have a child and that’s ‘if’ they have one.

Will that be me? Only God knows.

Now don’t get me wrong, as strangely as it sounds I am thankful for this journey, this journey has made me into a better person, it has brought my husband and I closer than I ever hoped for, it has tremendously improved our relationship with God—I am stronger than ever before, I have more patience, faith, and an overall better outlook on life and struggles that life throws at us.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Although the days get easier they also get harder in a sense. I personally can’t imagine myself pregnant. I want to be pregnant more than words can express, but I can’t envision that happening…I am too ‘used’ to trying to conceive I can’t even phantom what it will be like to be on the other side. That is so hard not to be able to picture myself pregnant, or as a mom because I am ‘too used’ to trying for a baby…

I certainly can not control the ‘storm’ in life, but I can thank God for his wisdom and strength for teaching me the ability to ‘dance in the rain’

Storms are hardly fun, the rain can most defiantly get overbearing, the heartache will continue…but the journey WILL come to an end…somehow, someway—with God we will get through this. Every day is a new one, not all will be good…but not all will be bad! God saw something special inside us and he trusts us with this journey, so no matter how hard the days may get I trust that he will guide me through the storm and help me to dance in the rain!

My days may continue childless, even weeks…months and possibly years. Only our Lord and Savior knows what our future holds and although I hope and pray to him every day that our TTC journey ends soon and we start a whole new journey, one of parenthood…it is only in his hands and I trust him with my life in his hands knowing he has our best interest at heart!

29 comments:

Tracy said...

I understand completely how you feel!

Rosie said...

Even in such difficult times, you are staying positive. I admire you for that Tiff! Just remember, that you're allowed to have bad times of doubt too. I know your time will come. Just like you said, He has a plan. I know you will be the best parents when your moment of parenthood comes.
Love ya!

Amanda Kines-Phillips said...

I promise you that it gets easier. I struggled with infertility for two years and even had my doctor tell me I was too fat for her to give me Clomid. I have PCOS and finally after finding the perfect doctor for me, I have a beautiful 18 month old daughter. God knows exactly what he has in store for you but its much easier said than to truly understand. I know, I've been where you are. I also know exactly how you feel about wishing you were on the other side. I can remember, and I still am, when I would see young, unwed mothers pregnant or have children and wonder what did I do to deserve this?! I had done everything "right" and I am being punished. Trust in the Lord.

-Amanda-

KJ said...

Sweet Sweet Tiff! I ache with you friend. I know that the days, the months, and the years can be so tiresome at times. BUT I'm SOOOOO hopeful for what the Lord has in store for you!! We have to remember that He wants to give us his BEST and we're not sure why sometimes that doesn't happen when and how we would choose but we can rest in the truth that for whatever reason (we can't see right now) its b/c its HIS BEST! Love you girl!
1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 AND check out Psalm 13

The Simmons Family said...

Keep on Dancing Tiff.... it will happen. It isn't always the way we want. I remember the day that I gave up trying. Kamryn was five and we had tried since she was 3 months old for another. My heart was broken. Kamryn always asked why she couldn't have a brother or sister. I told her to pray, the decision is not ours. It was tough.

It was in HIS timing that we conceived Owen. If you would have told me at that time that I had to wait another 4 1/2 years to conceive again, I would have been shattered inside. We had no expectation at that point, and we were beyond surprised when we found out about Owen.

I am following the same path now. No expectations, I just pray that someday, if it HIS will, we will have another.

I know it's so much harder on ya'll because you don't have one yet. Keep your chin up. You're amazing people and HE knows that. It will happen :).

Kylee said...

Praying and thinking of you.

A said...

I can definitely identify with this post- will be praying it stops raining over you very soon!

Kristina said...

Girl, I need to just copy & paste this onto my blog today!!! Praying for you guys.

Kristin said...

Tiffany,

I will keep praying that God will grant you the desires of your heart. I believe and I have complete faith that you will be a precious Mommy one day!

Love ya,
Kristin

Lilysmomma said...

Still praying for that beautiful Miracle baby(s) for you! I know that Gods plans for your family are wonderful. I know all about those miracle babies! I have two~

Leslee said...

I'm right there with you. We're on 4 years & 1 month. Its beyond hard. Know you are not alone. I'm praying for yall.

Sandra said...

I know how you feel I did it for 10 years and now I have a 2 year old..I will be praying for you, for your strength to keep going. one day you too will hold a sweet baby in those loving arms...

Jodi said...

I'm so sorry. I feel a lot of what you feel and I have Jenna. We've been trying for number 2 for a year now. Unexplained Secondary Infertility. I'm scheduling an appt. with an RE. I hope soon you get to be pg and hold your sweet baby! You are so strong!

Ashley said...

It's going to happen honey!! Don't ever give up;) You are going to be a WONDERFUL mommy one day. Praying for you!!

Mimi said...

Thinking of you and praying for you daily!!!

Miss you tons!

Kami

Veronica said...

Still praying for you, my dear. I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I do want you to know that you are on my heart and in my prayers!

Love ya!
Ver

Stephanie said...

You're amazing! The strength that you have and the faith that you show to all of us on a daily basis amazes me!

Hugs!

twondra said...

I could've written this myself. I'm so sorry sweetie. (((HUGS))) Praying for you!!

Joy said...

Tiffany a beautiful and hard post to write. Praying for you!!!

You wrote me an email and I accidentally deleted it so email me back anytime!

*HUGS*and*PRAYERS*

Alicia said...

I'm so sorry for all of your rain. I thought that this hymn might minister to you. It was a help for me today. God bless, I will keep you in my prayers.

"God Moves in a Mysterious Way"

God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform;

He plants His foot steps in the sea And rides upon the storm.

You fearful saints, fresh courage take: The clouds you so much dread

Are big with mercy, and shall break In blessings on your head.

KellRich said...

Tiffany-

Your time will come dear, and when it does you and Zach will be wonderful parents! Your outlook on the whole situation is so inspiring! You have such a strong head on your shoulders, and I truly admire you! God has his perfect time for the two of you! You two are some of the most deserving people I know...hang in there honey! Praying for you both =]

Tricia said...

Hi Tiffany,

First let me apologize for not having visited your blog in so long. I have been such a slacker lately that I just found out this week about Rosie! I am a loser.

Second, I could not pass up commenting about this today. Especially since that same quote is part of my blog name.

Your part where you say,"I just wish I knew if I could get pregnant" hit home for me. I think so many of us feel that exact same way. If we just knew we could deal with this chaos that is infertility with so much more grace.

I can tell you that for me, KNOWING that my husband and I would NEVER be able to have children together was a very devastating blow to our hearts and yet at the same time, it brought such a since of peace and relief.

You are such a strong woman to have endured this looming question for so long.

I will continue to pray for you and Zach in hopes that your blessing is just around the corner.

Megan said...

Great post, girly!!

Next month marks 7 years of us trying. It's hard. Very, very hard. My faith has waivered, but I know that our future is in God's hands and his hands alone. Our story is not finished yet and neither is yours. You're in my prayers!!

Angela said...

Amen Tiffany! We have been trying for our second since December 2007 with an ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage and stillbirth...and we are still trying. Some days it is so difficult to be patient. I'm praying that God will bless you with a baby very soon! *hugs*

Emma and Company said...

Just praying so hard for you. You have such faith, I am sure it is so hard sometimes, but I am so thankful you turn to the Lord.
We had a family in my church that went through many treatments to get pregnant and they finally did....after 15 years!
Just know we are praying for you and Zach, even though we have never met, I just wanted you to know that!

Lauren Kelly said...

Love you sweet girl, keep on pressing on!!!

SLM said...

You are in my prayers...have been ever since I stumbled across your blog. I struggled to get pregnant, was crushed after multiple losses, and went on an amazing journey of adoption...

And yet I still remember how it felt to want to be pregnant and not have it happen. To be surrounded (literally) with friends who were having not just their first child, but their second, while I was still trying for #1.

I remember the joy I felt when I became a mom (through adoption), and every step we took, every tear we shed, every single second of "trying" made it all worth the wait.

I pray that you will experience that joy, and that you will experience it abundantly. I will continue to pray for you and your family, and follow you on your journey.

Shannon
ps...you left me a comment a couple of weeks ago on my mactwins.blogspot.com blog...you're so sweet, and we covet your prayers. :-)

Charla (SHar-la) said...

You spoke my journey and my heart in this post! It is definitely not easy to dance in the rain, but sometimes that rain is exactly what we need to cleanse us of all the dust and cobwebs! You have such a sweet heart and I am so blessed each and every time I read your posts. I don't know how I would have survived if I didn't have my blog "friends" who know EXACTLY what we are going through!

Stephanie said...

I can't imagine how hard this journey has been for you. I pray that God will continue to give you strenth and peace on your journey to mommy-hood. God has a purpose for this season that you're in!


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