Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My Opportunity--Failure to Peace

There can be a roller coaster of feelings during an infertility journey. I am defiantly one who is dealing and has dealt with these hard emotions.

Failure crossed my mind's hard not to feel like a failure while trying to conceive, it's hard looking at so many who conceive without trying or only tried for a little period of time--it's hard to 'not' wonder why so many can succeed at this journey but you 'fail'....I think the word fail is awful, but it is most defiantly a word and feeling used often during this journey.... however, I try not to be discouraged, because with every 'wrong attempt' is another step forward...and as long as you keep trying and believing and never forget that HE is in control, then you will never fail; no mater the outcome... you ever feel humiliated at the fact your body is 'abnormal'....I do. I believe it's a normal feeling...again, it's hard not to feel Failure and Humiliated when you are supposed to just 'get pregnant'...when growing up women dream of having children, we play baby dolls--barbies, being a mother is something most women want from the very beginning. I believe it's a natural instinct...however no one ever thinks that they won't be able to conceive due to infertility, that word doesn't exist while growing's supposed to 'just happen'...however it's not always that easy.

Faith...I've spoken of faith from the beginning of my blog, God says 'I tell you the trust, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ''Move from here to there" and it will move'-Matthew 17:20----God doesn't show us the whole staircase or journey, we just have to take the first step in Faith and trust in him to guide us through the although we feel failure at times...and humility, we can bypass those if we have Faith in our God.

Hope... 'He who has hope, has everything'...hope can get you really far in this journey, it has me. If you don't hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes. Infertility women often hope...we hope and pray....we hope and pray and have faith...God doesn't promise us all the answers, but we have to 'hope' that if we have 'faith' in him, he will guide us through our moments of humiliation and moments that we feel like we are failing.

Strength...I used to consider myself a very weak person, emotionally and physically. Although I am not very strong physically, I do believe I am emotionally stronger--thanks to God! You see, a lot of times God send us down a zig-zagged path in life to help us grow, and one way he has helped me grow is my strength. There is no strength without unity, and unity being God...without leaning on him I would not be where I am today. So after much hope, God has given us the strength to have faith in him to get us through these trials, like humiliation and failure.

Peace...there will come a time in this journey where you let it all go and you are at peace with the situation you are in...some have reached this, some haven't. The pain and the heartache and longing for a child haven't left me, however I have peace with the journey God has chosen for me. I am thankful! Peace isn't something you can force yourself into, it can only be achieved by patience. Failure and Humiliation try to weigh you down, however if you hope and pray, and have much needed faith in God he will give you the strength to have Peace in the path he has chosen for you.

Opportunity-- "If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it"....did I lose y'all?? :) Not many think of infertility the path they want in life, and although I would not have picked this journey for myself, I thank God on multiple occasions for the opportunity he has given me. Sometimes in life you have to 'swim' longer than others to get the same as they come they didn't have to swim, that I don't know, God saw something in myself that I didn't see, and I might not even see it now....but I know that with this opportunity he has given me the chance to kick 'feeling like a failure and feeling humiliated' to the curb, he has given me the opportunity to know the true meaning of hope and faith, and given me the opportunity to learn how to lean on him for strength...and most importantly he has given me the opportunity to find true peace in this crazy journey of infertility.


Rosie said...

When did you get so wise Tiffany? You are just so strong and inspiring even in your words.Keep your head up and remember that you can overcome any battle with God and friends and family by your side. Always here for you like you have been for me. Love you!

Carey said...

I needed that today...thank you :)

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

Thank you so much for this post! This journey is definitely the hardest one ever traveled. I struggle daily but have realized all we can do is solely rely on Him! He is the only one who can get us through!!!

Jennifer said...

This is exactly what I needed to hear right now and exactly what I'm going through. Not only have I been just struggling lately, but my husband's little sister just announced that she's pregnant and it really sent me in a downward spiral. Having difficulty conceiving makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed, broken, and every other emotion in the book. To be honest I'm very angry with God right now. I know that he never guaranteed a time line, but his word says ask and you shall receive, knock and I will answer, ask me for the deepest desires of your heart and it will be given to you. He says every parent wants to give everything to their child and He is no different. Yet here I am unanswered, unfulfilled. I feel completely alone. I cry out to Him and I feel like He turns His back on me. I just want to scream "why not God, why not me?!?!" There are so many people who receive the gift of bearing a child and don't even want that gift. I do! Here I am Lord willing and able! I recognize that I'm in a very weak place right now and that my thinking isn't completely rationale. Sorry for going off forever. Your post just made me feel like I'm not so alone and that someone feels as broken as I do :)

Lauren Kelly said...

And this post is one of the many reasons why I’m incredibly inspired by your blog :)

KJ said...

Sweet Tif- SUCH wise words! I love your faith girl... I love that in the midst of being broken and longing desperately for a precious baby you turn to our Heavenly Father. THANK YOU for being such an incredible friend... one I'm SO thankful to walk this journey of infertility with. I have GREAT HOPE that He has beautiful families in store for us.. in HIS TIME.

Ashley said...

Great post honey! Keeep reminding yourself of those things!! Don't ever give up!! Lots of hugs!!!

ASHELY said...

question: on your page. where you have "blogs we love" How can I make a scrolling/rolling blog roll? please help me.

Lisa said...

I have often talked about infertility being such a roller coaster. One minute you might feel one way and the next another. Crazy emotions. :) I like what you said about peace though. Becuase I really am at peace with this journey. I KNOW that God is in control and will bless us with a baby in His timing. But that doesn't take away the pain and heartache that we still feel having empty arms as we watch our friends fill theirs.

Marisa said...

Thank you so much for this blog post. I'm currently also experiencing the rollercoaster of trying to conceive but it just not happening (while of course everyone else falls pregnant without trying). I reached a point in Nov last year where I just gave the whole thing (worrying and obsessing and thinking about it constantly) to God. And I have felt amazingly at peace since then. Tonight I just felt emotional again and your post really means a lot to me.

Keep the faith, God's timing is perfect!

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