As I mentioned on Saturday I had our life planned out…married…honey moon life…then plan for babies. God had other plans. I didn’t like them—didn’t like them one bit!
I personally am not keen to change; especially when it regards my life…it took along time for me to accept this change and this journey God placed us on. I was bitter, angry, saddened, depressed. I didn’t like this ‘change’…I didn’t want this ‘change’… I tried to justify why we were going through this and couldn’t come up with a valid reason…I was not going to accept it; bottom line! I choose to ignore to it and did so for about a year.
In order to accept change and the suffering it brings, we need to find the meaning in it…it took a while before I uncovered the meaning of this journey…to this day I do not have all the answers, but I do have a meaning in life…I finally choose that I would ‘master’ this change rather than being a ‘victim’ of it.
My mom used to tell me if you don’t like something ‘change it’, if you can’t change it then change the way you think about it. Well there was no doubt that I couldn’t change the path I am on…although I tried to detour many times to get back on the path all my friends were on it’s obvious it wasn’t happening for me…I was stuck, stuck on a path that I didn’t understand and couldn’t change (I felt lost, without a GPS…where do I go?)…
That’s when remembered what my mom used to tell me and I started to change the way I thought about infertility…it is not all grand…by any means; in fact this is one of the hardest journeys I’ve been on…I’ve never shed more tears than I have in the past 4 years…but with that said this is also the most rewarding journey I’ve been on, it’s strengthened me in ways I never thought could happen…Change is more so a challenge vs. a threat…I, as well as so many with infertility, (or any struggle in life) view this broken paths as ‘threats’…however they are really put in our life to challenge us and strengthen us.
Change can be hard, but it can also be very rewarding. I personally have become a better daughter, better wife, and better friend due to this journey; infertility has touched my life in ways that I never thought could...
So in a very odd way, I’m thankful for this change in life…one day I know I’ll be even more thankful for it.