Monday, May 24, 2010

Deep Thoughts...

Last night I went into a daze, have you ever done that? Where you can't help but think about everything in your life?

For example, I think and pray about having a child everyday...however the dream of me becoming a mother and making my husband a father is in Gods hands, and his hands alone, so being realistic I can't help but think that being a mother may not be my destiny. Although my heart desires it, it may not be in the plans that God created for my husband and I...

While thinking about these things I can't help but wonder will my husband still love me if I am unable to provide him a son or daughter? Although in my heart I know he will as he is my biggest support system and my rock that keeps me strong, I can't help but think these things at times?

Will my family be disappointed in me if I can't make them grandparents? I know they will love me no matter what, but it's so hard 'not' to wonder things like these....

Although my husband and I share this infertility 'problem', at times I feel like it's solely me who is 'broken'...I feel incomplete as a women...my heart aches for a child so very bad, especially on nights like last night. As I sat down and went through my facebook and blogger to catch up on my friends, I couldn't help but stare with tears in my eyes at there family pictures with their precious babies in them...don't get me wrong--I am extremely overjoyed and happy for each one of my friends, I just wish I could join in on the family pictures...I would give anything to have a child to take a million and one pictures of...

As all know, the only 'children' in my life right now are my little 4 legged fur babies and I often wonder will they be the only children I have in my life? I love them so much, but they can't begin to fill this hole in my heart that aches for a child of our own....

So many deep thoughts and so much heartache, but yet so much happiness too...our life has been far from 'normal' (but whose is?)!!

I don't want a pitty party, this is the path in my life where I am supposed to be and I have accepted this, I just often catch myself 'wondering' about how things will end up...will we finally be blessed with our miracle child, or will be continue to struggle with this for years to come??

I trust in God, my faith in Him has not dwindled away, it never will! I still believe that God placed us on this journey for a reason, and I do not doubt him...I can see how much infertility has changed Zach and I for the better; so although this journey has been a painful ride--it's been a blessing as well...

I just don't want to be on this ride forever...

Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

13 comments:

Melody Estes said...

So many of us have felt like this and yet so many still don't understand. God doesn't give you desires only to laugh and not give you the things you desire. I often wonder... If I hadn't been trying and we just happened to get pregnant that time we did... would I even know I was "infertile?" No, probably not. But knowing that it took so long and so many prayers is a way for me to know that I have to continue to give Glory to God! Someday (hopefully soon) you will be giving glory to him for your special gift, too. Love you!

Heather Marsden said...

Tiff- I feel exactly the same way. This may in fact be what our life is from now on, but its so hard to accept it. Being an only child, I am the only chance my parents have of being grandparents, and it does make me so sad....... but we will keep trusting and keep building our faith, after all that is what this journey called life is all about!!

Love you- keep praying!!!
-Heather
http:sweetnessandme.blogspot.com

Rachel said...

I could have written this my self...

After dealing with IF for four years...I'm also scared that it will end too...because that's what's "normal" now...

ape said...

im sorry girl, i know these thoughts runt hrough your head and i wish they didn't have to. However Zach will ALWAYS love you and be your biggest FAN! Just like your family & friends will too! Keep your beautiful head up and keep pushing through! One day God will answer your and all of our prayers for you :)

Rachell said...

I have a very dear friend that I was able to share our IF battle together. She, like I, has unxplained infertility. They had a mc at 12 weeks about 13 years ago and has never been able to get prg again. I, on the other hand, have never been pregnant. We adopted our son (crazy journey there- he was taken away by his BM and 6 wks later she gave him back). 1 year later, they adopted a little girl. Was in the delivery room, brought her home from the hosp. and about 3 days before the '10 day wait', the BM changed her mind. My friend didn't get her baby back. And 3 years later, they are still not parents. I say all that to say this: The biggest difference between her and me: She has never lost her faith in God. Even through the storms, she praises Him anyway. I not only lost faith in God, I became very, very bitter towards Him. And now, trying to get back to some kind of relationship with Him again, to trust & have faith again is very, very difficult (which is what Satan wanted from the beginning).
Lean on God with all your strength and try to never lose that. IF will rob you of everything you once loved before you even know what hit you. In hindsight, I wish I would have prayed harder, cried out to God more, been more like Hannah in the Bible...in real life, I let the bitterness overwhelm my very soul--and trying to get back is a struggle, but I am determined. One day I will be able to sing 'you don't know the cost of the oil in my alabaster box'.
You are not alone.

Jennifer07 said...

I feel like I could have written this post myself. Before we were blessed, these were all of the same thoughts that went through my head and tore my heart apart. The heartache and feeling broken and incomplete. I worried that my in-laws wished that my husband had married a woman who could give their son children and even though he said he would be satisfied without children I worried that my husband would wish he has someone not broken as well. So much pain...

The only thing that I really want to say is that just getting to know you through blogger and getting to see your heart and how wonderful you are I have a deep desire for you to be a mother and can't imagine you not being one. If I, a mere human and sinner, feel that way I can't imagine that God doesn't as well. I really do hope and pray that it happens for you soon.

Magpie said...

That made me cry. And sounds so familiar. I am truly happy for my friends and family who have children but it seems everyone around me is pregnant or expecting. And though I love my three dogs, they will never be children, and I may never be a mom. You've been on this journey far longer than I have - and for some reason, it comforts me that I am not the only one having these thoughts. Not all the time, but sometimes they just creep up on me and take my mojo away. How ironic that we're experiecing this at the same time. Tomorrow's a new day.

Amber said...

Im so sorry to know you are going through what we went through at this same time last year, it truly is amazing to know just how wonderful of a God we serve. I know it sure isnt easy to go through it but know that one day you will get your angel baby and it will be worth every tear shed and every sad moment. I know that we serve a wonderful God who would never give us more than what we can handle even though somedays he sure does give us a plate full. Im praying for you two that you get your miracle that you so badly want and dream of, I so can understand and relate.

Rosie said...

Tiffany,
I remember last year when I was feeling this way and you wrote me an email expressing your concerns with my pain. You found a way to lift me up just by telling me that I was going through IF for a reason and He would give me my gift when it was in His time. I know it's hard to look at it from the other way around and remember the great advice you gave to someone else, but just know that you are loved no matter what you are going through. You are a super strong woman and a real inspiration. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but don't give up on your dreams. You will be a fantastic mommy one day.
Love you sweet friend!

sarahd said...

No pity party, just a prayer party at my house for you. Prayers for peace that passes all understanding, the knowledge, trust, and patience you need for God's time and, Lord willing, your future as a wonderful Mommy.

InDueTime said...

I know what you mean. I'll be 6 years TTC in less than 6 weeks. It's hearbreaking when I look at it in terms of years. Especially since we're another 4 years away from SO graduating grad school and having the extra $$ for treatments. I recently decided to go back to school, figuring I may as well do something constructive with my time.

Hang in there. You're not alone. It's tough I know.

We're in our 20's too.

Michele said...

I have felt that exact same way. And I know I have one happy ending, but it is still hard to feel 'broken' like you aren't fulfilling your purpose as a woman that God designed. But then you remember God did design you, so you continue on. At least those are the thoughts that run through my head. Infertility sucks BIG time. It sucks to watch others throw their pants on the bed and end up pregnant while you struggle. I have been following your blog for a month or so now and just want you to know I pray for you and your hubs to get a happy ending too (preferably sooner rather than later). I love your testimony through this though. It helps me cling tighter to my faith too. Hugs and a truck load of Baby dust to you!

EverydayBlessings said...

I have so many of these feelings as well. Lately, I think about what if I will never have a child of my own. I cannot even imagine and I don't want to imagine that. With every month that passes with a negative my heart seems to start going along with that negative pregnancy test. It is so heartbreaking, as I get close to testing this month I have so much fear and anxiety! I need to have more Faith right now!! But it"s so difficult, as I'm sure you know all about. Love ya girl, and I'm praying that your destiny it so be a mommy!!


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