Thursday, June 24, 2010

Why?

I always tell myself I will not do this....and to be honest I haven't in months.

But I caved...and to no surprise I didn't see what I prayed for...

Why is it that we 'know' it will be negative but we still test?

After over 4 years of trying, I can honestly say that I am used to seeing a negative...and normally I handle them quite well, in fact I haven't been too terribly upset about a negative since our trip to the RE for our IUI. However this time was different...and I am not sure why. It was an emotional day for me, seeing that negative was something I expected to see...but it hurt this time.

I wish that if it wasn't God's desire for me to be a mother at this particular time, he could take the desire away temporarily. I know that God has a plan for Zach and I. I truly believe that things will happen the way he has written for us and I accept that. It just sometimes things hits me harder some days vs. others...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

15 comments:

The Simmons Family said...

The negative hurts. I'm so sorry. :( I know how bad it hurts. Yet, we still take the tests in HOPE that it will be positive. Keep your chin up and keep praying!!

Kristin said...

I am so sorry sweetie!! I wish there were something I could do, anything I could say, that would change things. I know that you know God has a plan, but in the midst of it, I can imagine it still hurts. I promise you that He has not forgotten about you and that He does care.

Emily said...

That is a beautiful prayer. I said a prayer for you and your husband, that you might be blessed with a healthy baby shortly. I see that you have a heart for the Lord, and I feel that you truly deserve a baby to raise for the glory of the Lord. I'm sorry for your hurt. Hang in there sweet lady!

Rachell said...

The exact same thing happened to me last month. As I sat there and cried over the late arrival of AF that I completely expected, I felt so stupid and silly for the saddness & tears. As long as there is a functioning uterus in my body, I guess I will always have that glimmer of hope. I am at the complete end of my 19+ years of battling IF--so, for me, I feel like I should have known better than to have any hope that I could've been pregnant.
But there is always hope-it doesn't matter if you've been hoping for 1 year or 20 years. That's what keeps us going. And my hope for you is that you will be blessed with your miracle soon.

Ashlee McCrary said...

Sometimes we all just have these days where things just hit us harder than we'd normally expect it to. I wish we could have a schedule of when days would be hard on our emotions so we can just stay in bed lol Hope you have better days soon

Alisa said...

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.~ Colossians 3:15, NLT

Ashley said...

I'm sorry. At the beginning of this month I swore off hpt's forever. (I also have been peeing on them for 4 years) I told my husband, that if I get pregnant then the only way I am going to know it is by a blood test or when the head is actually hanging out! haha--I just can't look at another negative one. I had one left in our house and I made him hide it just in case a friend needs one sometime. I.am.not.doing.it.anymore.

Ape said...

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears."
Psalm 18:2-6

Melody said...

I don't like the negatives either. I really thought I was pregnant this month too but yesterday the flow started 3 days early. I'm ok (I mean I can't complain because God has blessed me with one baby) but the infertility never goes away. I keep praying that you will get pregnant. I'm really sorry.

Lauren Kelly said...

Oh, Tiffany!!! Don’t you ever stop clinging to what you know to believe…. That he has a future and a hope for you and Zach as parents!!!!! Keep pressing thru and be still and know that he is God and he has great plans for you and your future children. No matter in what circumstance, it’s all in God’s timing!! Be encouraged, my friend!!!

Rosie said...

Aww Honey Bun! I wish I would have read this yesterday. I would have tried to cheer you up. I hate that feeling and I'm so sorry you have to keep reliving it. I hope today is a better day for you. Love ya!

Jessica said...

So sorry for your crappy emotional day. We aren't TTC anymore but did for long enough to know that some months that crappy negative little test hits a lot harder than others. Just remember how incredibly blessed you are to have a partner by your side to ease the sadness. I love the prayer - beautiful!

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, this broke my heart. I've felt those same feelings. I'm so sorry. I wish God would take that desire away temporarily, too. It hurts.

I'm thinking and praying for you so much. If you need to talk, e-mail me sweetie. Always, always, always there for you. (((HUGS)))

Jennifer said...

It hurts! I know it does. No matter how we prepare ourselves for the negative, there are times when it just doesn't work and the hurt gets through. I'm not sure it will ever stop. There are times when I am late and still think maybe?? Hugs to you!

Leah said...

I understand that feeling. I took a test just last week, knowing it would be negative but just had to get the result. Even though we aren't doing anything to help get a positive I still keep hoping that God will provide a miracle, but then in the back of my mind I know not to hold my breath. Praying for you to have some peace and positive results soon!


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