Monday, July 5, 2010
Do you ever feel forgotten?
I feel at times some people forget that I am infertile. Our families and friends used to send us sweet messages, comments, cards just to tell us they were thinking about us and praying for us...and at times I feel like this journey has been going on so long that some people have just given up on us... Don't get me wrong, not all of friends and family have stopped, just some I thought never would...I know 4 years can be a long time to keep reminding someone that you are there for them, and in all honesty I know they ARE still there for us, but it's nice to be reminded...it really does help!
I know deep down in my heart that everyone cares for us and is always thinking and praying for us, and I am sure this post will sound like such a pitty party, I do not intend for it to though. I guess in all honesty I am just feeling down today and out of all days I need our families and friends to reach out to us, I just want to feel remembered...to be 100 % honest my feelings are a little hurt.
I just feel a little forgotten...this year has been hard so far in our infertility journey...I feel like I am back peddling a little bit. I feel anything BUT strong. As I watch my family and friends announce there pregnancies, jump for joy at the first kick, celebrate at the baby shower and birthday parties...I sit with a empty place in my heart and my arms. Although I am really happy for them, I am hurting inside at the fact we are on year 4 and still haven't been pregnant one time. I try more than anything to be strong and keep the smile on my face, but the truth is my heart is aching.
Sometimes I want to stand on the rooftop and shout 'I'M STILL INFERTILE YOU KNOW??'
I meet someone this weekend who tried for 5 years to get pregnant, she told me...'You will get pregnant...I know you feel like you won't but you will'.... but will I? I can't even envision myself pregnant anymore...I used to could, but after 4 years it seems impossible. I KNOW nothing is impossible with God, and I have faith that my husband and I were placed on this journey for a reason...
My heart feels so lonely at times, I sadly cradle my little dog like a child and tears just run down my face as I think 'will this be my only shot at being a mom?' I love my little 4 legged kidos, but they can't begin to fulfill this emptiness in my heart. I want to be a mother more than I could possibly explain...
If you made it though this post, thank you for listening to me ramble. It helps me at times...I apologize for such a debbie downer post...just have alot of things on my mind!
Thank you all for being so great-means so very much to us!