Monday, February 21, 2011

I'm Holding On...

I have had so much on my mind lately, and I am not sure how to sort all of my thoughts. I feel guilty for being so excited about our upcoming IVF journey. I realize how ridiculous that sounds. I guess it feels weird having it handed to us when there are so many couples out there whose insurance will not cover it...I am blessed, but I feel sad at the same time. Why are we so deserving of this? Why can't insurance cover infertility issues for everyone?!

I guess I don't feel worthy of this journey, I see others struggling like us, I read so many others blogs...why does this journey have to be so hard. Why can't starting a family be 'easy'. I'm holding onto faith!

When Zach and I first met, we daydreamed about our future. I remember Zach planning our whole life out, when we would get engaged, married, when we would start trying for kids, how many we would have...if only it were that easy! For some it is, for some it's far from that!

I can't imagine my life without infertility as crazy as it sounds, I'm so thankful for this journey because of who it has molded me into, not to mention our marriage growing so much closer due to this. I'm so used to this journey, I can't picture myself actually pregnant. I want to be pregnant, ohhh so bad....I guess I am just used to this, I know nothing else other than use struggling to conceive...will we finally be able to beat this journey?! I'm holding onto faith!!!

'Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to'

35 MORE DAYS!

10 comments:

Amanda Kines-Phillips said...

I don't comment often but when you said you were thankful for your infertility journey, I just wanted to comment. I completely, 100% agree with you on that. I am a much stronger woman b/c of what I went thru and even though I knew I would always be a great Mom, I think that having been down that road and thinking I would never have a child, makes me appreciate and love my daughter Preslei on a whole new level. I remember after I had her, I wouldn't let very many hold her because I felt like I FINALLY had my baby and I didn't want anyone taking away my time with her. Looking back on my journey and all the heartache I went thru, I wouldn't have had it any other way because I am so grateful that God chose me to teach patience and understanding to.

Can't wait to read more about your journey and especially the day you welcome your own bundle of joy into your lives.

Lauren said...

I've also been reading your blog for awhile and have never really commented...but this post brought tears to my eyes. I could've/should've written the same thing in my own blog. We were also blessed to have the majority of our IVF covered...and I often wondered, "Why us?...why can't everyone be this lucky?" Thankfully, our first IVF worked and we're expecting our lil lady this August. I still struggle with our "luck" and whenever I mention it to my family they say, "What do you mean lucky?? Look what you had to do to get her!" But I see it the way you do...there are sooo many couples out there that aren't this "lucky". Good luck with your journey...I can't wait to follow along :)

Alicia Nelson said...

Please don't feel guilty or unworthy! Remember your life is in His hands, and He has placed the opportunity in front of you!

Melody said...

You COMPLETELY deserve this! I pray for a VERY POSITIVE outcome! I was in bed last night thinking about how anxious I am for you to get on with this and I thought, WOW, if I'm this impatient, I can't imagine what Tiff must be feeling.

Rosie said...

I know what you mean about not being able to picture your life without infertility. It is and will always be a part of you though. And you are the most deserving people. Why can't infertility be covered by ins? I've always wondered why. Be happy for yourself, it's YOUR time now! I couldn't be happier for ya'll to finish your journey though infertility!
Love you!

Amanda @ New Adventures said...

I'm glad your holding onto faith- its really the only thing you can hold onto! Sending prayers your way!

The Raymonds said...

Oh I love that quote on the bottom of this post!! I had never heard it before, and it is just inspiring and SO SO SO true!

Praying for you!! It is so wonderful that you are documenting and sharing these thoughts!

Becky said...

Don't feel guilty, you have waited a long time for this (much longer than many). This is the Lord's perfect timing for you and I am praying this cycle brings you your little one. So excited for you!

Katz Family said...

I also read you blog a lot and the reason I do is because I can relate to everything you are saying. About a month ago my husband and I decided to go back to an RE. We knew his insurance cover $10,000 towards infertility. But then I called the insurance company and they told us we already used the amount we were aloud to due to the fact we had 3 IUIs done. Even though it was not even close to $10,000 that’s all we could use. I was devastated. How could this be. We were saving that for IVF. I was freaking out. I grabbed my bible and just prayed and prayed for an answer. I asked my husband to call the insurance company again. This time a woman answered and said "Mr Katz I am so sorry you have been misinformed." The company he works for just updated their policy for infertility and there is no longer a monetary cap on what you can use. They will cover 1 1/2 IVF cycles and as many IUIs that the doctor approves. I could not believe what I was hearing. God sent me an angel. I really feel that way. I didn’t give up on God. Faith is so powerful. But I too feel guilty. Like this is to good to be true. We have waited 4 years for this.

Amy said...

Tiff, don't feel guilty...be ever so thankful (as I know you are) that you do have IF coverage. I am happy for you because I know how much you and Zach both long to be parents. And I know y'all will be wonderful, amazing parents.

I can't imagine life with out IF either..it has made us stronger, and stronger in our faith in God.


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