Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Hard...

I went into this journey with a clear head; knowing my odds of this working, knowing that it would come with some good times and bad times. I prepped myself and stayed focus on the day we were on, therefor I wouldn't get my hopes up about the end picture. 

Well that's hard!

I had a gut feeling that none of our other babies in the making would make it to freeze, but I sure was praying for at least one--I got the call that none made it, I cried.  I'm so beyond happy, so beyond blessed and thankful for these two perfect babies who are hopefully burying themselves inside there new home; however at the same exact time I am scared of the unknown. I am scared at the thought of this not working, what if we don't have time to do another whole cycle before my work closes

God never said life was easy...

When you are doing your shots, you know the outcome that you want from those, you want mature follicles--when you do you retrieval you know the outcome you want--you want many mature eggs removed--the next day you want to hear how many of your eggs fertilized--then it's a day by day waiting game...I had fears along the way, but I always kept the reality of knowing that things could go either way.

Although I still know reality and I know this might not be the path God choose for us, it's HARDER now then ever...

There is NO way around not getting my hopes up now, there is no way around not being devastated if this doesn't work...I am so much in love with two little Pifer beans that if this isn't meant to be, it will devastate me.

I know some may think it's absolutely crazy to fall head over hills in love with 2 little 'cells without heartbeats'...but the thing is, when Zach and I look at those 'cells' we see our babies, we see a little of him and a little of me, we see life in the making that WE created. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't thank God for our little beans and pray that they attach so that we can hold them in our arms in 9 months. WE WANT THIS, and it's hard not knowing how things will end.

This journey will end with tears, we know this...we just don't know if they will be tears of joy or tears of sadness. Only God knows that--and no matter how HARD this is, we trust in Him!

14 comments:

Alicia Nelson said...

I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get to freeze. God provided you with this opportunity and he will provide again if you need it...know that to be true! But, one step at a time, and right now it's time to focus on your sweet beans! I think it's amazing and wonderful the bond you and your husband already have with them. I truely believe that means so much. You're still in my prayers

Sarah said...

Just wanted offer words of encouragement and hope. God has a plan for all of us, and when you are in a season of waiting, the unknown future can be kind of scary. From reading your blog, it sounds like you have incredible faith. Just keep moving forward in faith and God will get you through!

(Been through infertility treatment myself, so I know the waiting game is SO hard. Keep your head up! God has wonderful things in mind for you!)

amy said...

Stay as hopeful as you possibly can. You've had such an amazing opportunity to do this IVF, and I'm sure you will be blessed in the end. Focus on the positive and give all of your fears and concerns to the Lord.

Praying for you :)

Life Happens said...

We did three cycles of IVF and didn't have any embryos make it to freeze. I felt okay with that because I knew that God was in control and I had to put my faith in Him. Our baby boy is now 3 1/2 months.

Keep believing and trusting in God!

Lauren said...

Tiffany, I continue to pray for you each and every day. I know that we are strangers in real life, but please know that you are dear to my heart.

I don't know what God has planned for you and your little beans, but I continue to ask Him to bless you. There will be many stumbles along the way (as you have already experienced first hand), but try to hold strong to Him.

Rachel said...

That is very similar to what happened with our cycle.

I figured that was Gods way of telling me we didn't need any back-up's & that this was gong to work...

Hang in there I see great things coming for you. :)

kdactyl said...

Oh...the IVF 2WW is AWFUL!!!! I'm so bummed none made it to freeze, it is always nice to have that backup...but I never had any to freeze because I only got like 8 eggs per cycle and only about 3-4 fertilized and grew....BUT...I did get my baby...so it is not the numbers that matter really...keep your faith!

AND....as a mind settler...look into your COBRA option when your job is done...it may be worth it to pay for a month or two of COBRA premiums to retain your fertility benefit. I have faith it will all work out.

kd

Melanie said...

I understand and know exactly how you feel. I had 18 eggs that fertilized and two transfered. None of mine made it to the stage to freeze and I was so sad. My thinking was that if none of them made it how would the babies inside me make it? Stay positive...I got pregnant with a perfect baby girl that is 4 now!! Thoghts and prayers are with you!

Rosie said...

I'm praying that you both can cry tears of joy. I can imagine how hard it was to hear that your others didn't make it to freeze. And even if none of them had heartbeats, you saw with your own eyes what a miracle they each were. Hang in there sweetie, you're doing great and are almost done with the waiting game!
Love ya!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

praying for you....teresa

Sarah said...

Prayers coming your way (for all 4 of you!)

J said...

Thinking of you! Waiting is the hardest part.

Jennifer said...

Thinking about you and praying!

Emily said...

Still praying...hold strong little beans!


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