Unforgettable

My thoughts….I’m not even sure if I can put them into words honestly. My feelings…pretty much every emotion you could feel I’ve felt the past week…My heart…broken and trying to accept God’s plan….My life…turned upside down in a blink of an eye.

Why this happened to us, I don’t know—but why do bad things happen period? I have faith in God’s plan, I just don’t quite understand it…probably never will.

Everything was fine, everything! I had no bleeding…no cramping…no signs of a miscarriage. That should make me smile knowing it wasn’t my body rejecting our baby…but it doesn’t make anything better at the moment. The minute my Dr. noticed our baby didn’t have a heartbeat I believe tears filled his eyes before mine…I sat there in shock for a minute or two praying to God he would wake me from this horrible dream-I never woke, still  haven’t-and don’t think I will.

After I calmed down a little my Doctor insured me I did nothing wrong—although I trust this wasn’t my fault I can’t help but feel that way at times. I think it’s just natural to feel like a failure…although I know I am not. My Dr. told me our baby was abnormal, and unfortunately this is your body’s natural way of rejecting your embryo. He explained that all babies are made of several chromosomes from the egg and the sperm, and sometimes chromosomes are missing…and sadly the baby doesn’t know there missing until they need it, which in return stops your child from growing and causes your babies heart to stop…hurts so bad!

They say when doors close, better doors open…maybe that’s our case? Maybe our perfect bean was too special for this world and God couldn’t stand to be away from our baby for too long…I try to tell myself that’s how it is, makes me feel better about the situation.

I’ll be ok, and knowing that gives me comfort. I hurt badly, but now I know my body CAN get pregnant.

I want to sob (and I do) at what I’ve lost….but I’m sitting here celebrating what I had! I WAS PREGNANT! I finally got to see my husbands expression when he found out he was going to be a daddy—and let me tell you he was a very protective father, he will be an amazing daddy to a child one day. We got to tell our family, and listening to there excitement will never leave my heart. We got to hear the heartbeat, oh how amazing that filling was. We experienced life, for a brief time. And although we are mourning our loss we know God blessed us for a short time and we are grateful for that.

The heartache will linger for awhile. Our tears will eventually dry, however we will never forget.

Our jelly bean was special to us and many, I think we have built up love for this baby for the 6 years that we have been trying to conceive…so although this baby was only in me for a short time it was loved for years.

We won’t ever give up-our baby has 3 frozen siblings…as far as when we will be ready that’s for God to tell us. Were leaving our lives in his hands, when it’s time to try again he will let us know. He has his reasoning's, and it’s tough to accept, and I don’t think we have accepted them yet honestly…but were trying. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Prayers Needed :(

Our baby no longer has a heart beat. Right now my heart is just in a million pieces and I can't quite sort through my thoughts. I know with time things will get better and I know God has amazing plans for us-but right now Zach, myself and our family will be in need of prayers.

Happy Anniversary

Happy 6 wonderful years!! Who would have ever thought that 2012 would be the year of our marriage that our dream come true and prayers got answered. God is great!! Thank you Lord for blessing me with such an amazing husband who is also my best friend-my rock and my strength and ultimately the father to my unborn baby! Our life is far from perfect-but I wouldn't trade a moment!

Zachary-you will never know how much you mean to me! I love you to the moon and back forever and always. I can't wait to watch you develop into a daddy-you will be an amazing one that's for sure!! ILU

My week 6-8

I am a little over 8 weeks (don't worry belly pictures will be coming weekly, I started at 6 weeks...I just haven't uploading them yet)

So those pictures will be coming...but for now---our sweet little miracle!

How far along?

Currently a little over 8 weeks

Total weight gain/loss:

Maybe a pound...not much, just bloated.. 

Maternity clothes?

Some, not really because I 'need need' them, mostly because there more comfortable.

Sleep:

Besides getting up every 2 hours to pee, I'm sleeping great (And I sleep all the time)

Best moment this week:

Monday we got to see our jelly bean again, and we announced it publicly.

Movement:

Nothing so far...

Food cravings:

I have a major sweet tooth, however during the past couple weeks I haven't wanted anything sweet...raw veggies (like carrots/broccoli, celery), steak and mushrooms, french fries and chicken strips, milk and apple juice...those are been alot of my favorites the past week..

Gender:

Dont' know...part of me is thinking boy..but I'm not sure why?

Labor Signs:

None, and it better stay this way for a while!

Belly Button in or out?

In

What I miss:

Nothing, I've waited 6 years for this...I'm so very blessed!

Milestones:

I would just have to say making it another week being pregnant...they have me as high risk since I've never even had a miscarriage so they are not sure how I will carry...so week by week and even day by day I praise God!

About our announcement!

I really wanted to keep a secret until week 12--however for those of you that have done IVF (if your like me) you know about all the bloating that comes alot with the shots...although I am not actually showing alot right now, I do appear that I am.

So hiding this news and staying hibernated for another 4 weeks would have been extremely hard.

So we made the decision to keep it to ourselves until we heard the heartbeat...once we heard that glorious sound we knew it would be ok to tell our family.

My first announcement was to my husband of course...he knew I was going in for blood work that morning...so keeping it a secret all day until he got home wouldn't have been easy; so I called him and we just cried happy tears together...when he got home I have a cute little bib and a card waiting for him! 

We waited till Mothers Day weekend to tell our family. Well since his family is out of state we called them first--we made sure we were on speaker phone and then I texted the below picture to them...all we could hear was 'OH MY GOSH ARE THOSE BABY BOOTS'...followed by many screams! ha :)

We told my grandparents in the middle of the week; my Grandmother was so beyond ecstatic and my sweet Papa cried!

My MaPerk and momma were next....momma screamed and cried happy tears...it was so amazing to see her so happy....my Perk instantly said  'these boots are made for walking' however it took her a minute to realize...she soon let our a loud gasppp.... :)

My dad, brother and step mom were next! As she unwrapped the picture frame and saw the baby boots she started screaming like I've never seen before...from screams to tears it was apparent that we made several people happy this week by our family growing by two feet...

God answers prayers...I always had visions of being able to announce this, and although I never gave up it's still crazy to believe this is really happening...

The Inside Scoop

Well you might be wondering...natural blessing? or Fertility treatments?

We have ourselves an IVF baby and are so blessed that this round worked!

We started birth control back in February. It was the hardest thing not talking about it-or blogging about it! We knew though that this time around we needed this to not only be about 'just us' but we needed to 'focus' more on us! So unfortunately the person who loves to talk and document everything was left keeping very quiet!

This cycle was VERY different from others, and esp. our last IVF cycle! In the beginning of this cycle I did acupuncture. I didn't quite know how much I would like it, but to be honest it's amazing. The relaxation it gave me was beyond great! My medicine was also increased, which helped tremendously.

Last year we went almost 2 weeks over from when they projected me to have the retrieval, my eggs were 'ok' but not great! This cycle I received nothing BUT good news---I went on time and perfect!

The day of the retrieval was a little hard; for some reason this year I've been having horrible vein problems....they have been collapsing and rolling...so it took several times to get my IV in which left me in tears....

However, the news that they retrieved 28 very good looking eggs made up for having sore hands (It's crazy what you will go through to have a little blessing!) This cycle they did ICSI which made a HUGE difference. Last cycle only two blastocyst made it to transfer and they weren't in the best of quality...this time we had 5, 2 to transfer and 3 to freeze...

The day of transfer was an amazing feeling...Zach and I just had good thoghts this whole time. Something was bound to go right...

I took so much time off of work this time, almost 2 weeks for retrieval and transfer...I wanted that extra rest to make sure my baby/babies stuck!!

Last cycle I started testing around day 6-7 days past transfer and tested multiple times a day until my beta, however last cycle the day before my beta the test went negative over night...oh what a horrible day that was!

So this cycle I debated if I wanted to test or not...I woke up on FOUR days past and had the urgency to test....It's so hard not to! I knew I wouldn't see anything that early, but little to my surprise was a line...the same darkness as I saw last year at day 6-7...so you can only imagine how much that thrilled me! I continued to test...it was the only thing that kept me sane...call me crazy but this was my sense of relief every morning and every night!

I don't really like the term 'prego' but I didn't take quite enough for 'pregnant' haha...I took alot though!

May 7th was the BIG DAY...I found out early (around 3-4 weeks) that I was pregnant...and I had to wait until MAY 7th for our ultrasound, that was 3 whole weeks...the hardest wait ever! This ultrasound of course would tell us how many, and also if our baby/babies were on track!

I can't tell you the joy in my heart when I saw that little flicker or heart beat! I can't tell you the thoughts that were going through my head...I thought I would be sad that both didn't make it, but all I could do was rejoice at that perfect little squishy blob on the screen!

CHRISTMAS DAY this little miracle is due! I can't think of a better birthday than to share one with Jesus! Although who knows when I will officially go into labor...but it's exiting to think about it!

This little jelly bean is so loved!



A CHRISTMAS Baby

We are growing two little feet to fit into these boots...

DUE: 12/25/12