My thoughts….I’m not even sure if I can put them into words honestly. My feelings…pretty much every emotion you could feel I’ve felt the past week…My heart…broken and trying to accept God’s plan….My life…turned upside down in a blink of an eye.
Why this happened to us, I don’t know—but why do bad things happen period? I have faith in God’s plan, I just don’t quite understand it…probably never will.
Everything was fine, everything! I had no bleeding…no cramping…no signs of a miscarriage. That should make me smile knowing it wasn’t my body rejecting our baby…but it doesn’t make anything better at the moment. The minute my Dr. noticed our baby didn’t have a heartbeat I believe tears filled his eyes before mine…I sat there in shock for a minute or two praying to God he would wake me from this horrible dream-I never woke, still haven’t-and don’t think I will.
After I calmed down a little my Doctor insured me I did nothing wrong—although I trust this wasn’t my fault I can’t help but feel that way at times. I think it’s just natural to feel like a failure…although I know I am not. My Dr. told me our baby was abnormal, and unfortunately this is your body’s natural way of rejecting your embryo. He explained that all babies are made of several chromosomes from the egg and the sperm, and sometimes chromosomes are missing…and sadly the baby doesn’t know there missing until they need it, which in return stops your child from growing and causes your babies heart to stop…hurts so bad!
They say when doors close, better doors open…maybe that’s our case? Maybe our perfect bean was too special for this world and God couldn’t stand to be away from our baby for too long…I try to tell myself that’s how it is, makes me feel better about the situation.
I’ll be ok, and knowing that gives me comfort. I hurt badly, but now I know my body CAN get pregnant.
I want to sob (and I do) at what I’ve lost….but I’m sitting here celebrating what I had! I WAS PREGNANT! I finally got to see my husbands expression when he found out he was going to be a daddy—and let me tell you he was a very protective father, he will be an amazing daddy to a child one day. We got to tell our family, and listening to there excitement will never leave my heart. We got to hear the heartbeat, oh how amazing that filling was. We experienced life, for a brief time. And although we are mourning our loss we know God blessed us for a short time and we are grateful for that.
The heartache will linger for awhile. Our tears will eventually dry, however we will never forget.
Our jelly bean was special to us and many, I think we have built up love for this baby for the 6 years that we have been trying to conceive…so although this baby was only in me for a short time it was loved for years.
We won’t ever give up-our baby has 3 frozen siblings…as far as when we will be ready that’s for God to tell us. Were leaving our lives in his hands, when it’s time to try again he will let us know. He has his reasoning's, and it’s tough to accept, and I don’t think we have accepted them yet honestly…but were trying. Where there is a will, there is a way.