Friday, May 25, 2012

Unforgettable

My thoughts….I’m not even sure if I can put them into words honestly. My feelings…pretty much every emotion you could feel I’ve felt the past week…My heart…broken and trying to accept God’s plan….My life…turned upside down in a blink of an eye.

Why this happened to us, I don’t know—but why do bad things happen period? I have faith in God’s plan, I just don’t quite understand it…probably never will.

Everything was fine, everything! I had no bleeding…no cramping…no signs of a miscarriage. That should make me smile knowing it wasn’t my body rejecting our baby…but it doesn’t make anything better at the moment. The minute my Dr. noticed our baby didn’t have a heartbeat I believe tears filled his eyes before mine…I sat there in shock for a minute or two praying to God he would wake me from this horrible dream-I never woke, still  haven’t-and don’t think I will.

After I calmed down a little my Doctor insured me I did nothing wrong—although I trust this wasn’t my fault I can’t help but feel that way at times. I think it’s just natural to feel like a failure…although I know I am not. My Dr. told me our baby was abnormal, and unfortunately this is your body’s natural way of rejecting your embryo. He explained that all babies are made of several chromosomes from the egg and the sperm, and sometimes chromosomes are missing…and sadly the baby doesn’t know there missing until they need it, which in return stops your child from growing and causes your babies heart to stop…hurts so bad!

They say when doors close, better doors open…maybe that’s our case? Maybe our perfect bean was too special for this world and God couldn’t stand to be away from our baby for too long…I try to tell myself that’s how it is, makes me feel better about the situation.

I’ll be ok, and knowing that gives me comfort. I hurt badly, but now I know my body CAN get pregnant.

I want to sob (and I do) at what I’ve lost….but I’m sitting here celebrating what I had! I WAS PREGNANT! I finally got to see my husbands expression when he found out he was going to be a daddy—and let me tell you he was a very protective father, he will be an amazing daddy to a child one day. We got to tell our family, and listening to there excitement will never leave my heart. We got to hear the heartbeat, oh how amazing that filling was. We experienced life, for a brief time. And although we are mourning our loss we know God blessed us for a short time and we are grateful for that.

The heartache will linger for awhile. Our tears will eventually dry, however we will never forget.

Our jelly bean was special to us and many, I think we have built up love for this baby for the 6 years that we have been trying to conceive…so although this baby was only in me for a short time it was loved for years.

We won’t ever give up-our baby has 3 frozen siblings…as far as when we will be ready that’s for God to tell us. Were leaving our lives in his hands, when it’s time to try again he will let us know. He has his reasoning's, and it’s tough to accept, and I don’t think we have accepted them yet honestly…but were trying. Where there is a will, there is a way.

26 comments:

Kelly said...

Oh sweet, sweet Tiffany.

I came to 'blog land' only to see if you had posted anything. I literally don't check my blog very often anymore, only on occassions when I know someone else might have some news. And over the past few days I had found myself checking more frequently just to see how you/your husband and your little sweetheart were doing.

After reading your post, tears filled my eyes. There are NO words in situations like this. My heart is broken for you both. I can't understand *why* this sort of thing happens, especially to such wonderful people. It just doesn't make any sense at all. We will continue to pray for you both..so when you feel too weak to pray - know that we are doing the praying for you.

Yesterday was a very painful day for our little family..It was our sweet Liberty's birthday. She would have been 5 years old now. It's hard to believe that I had to say goodbye to my sweet girl at 5 months old, now she would be starting kindergarten in the fall. Not sure if you remember or not - but she too had a chromosomal disorder. We didn't even have a clue there was anything wrong until after she was born and the dr's realized she was very ill. It was at that moment our world was turned upside down.. then of course once again, when she went from my arms to the Lords arms.

We may not ever know the *why's* behind situations like this..it may never make sense on this side of Heaven. And once we are in the presence of the Lord..and we can ask about the *why's* it will no longer matter. I say it won't matter because we will be in perfect peace...We will have everything we will ever desire - when we are with the Lord. At that moment we will be with the most prized treasures of our heart - our beloved babies! Of course, the hard part is patiently waiting for God to walk us through this journey, into our final destination with Him.

Please know that we will be praying again and again for your sweet family. My heart aches for you sweet girl. Please feel free to email me if you ever need someone to vent to or cry on....

Love and hugs,
Kelly

BarrenInLA said...

There are no words to say. Just know there are a lot of people who care about you out here in blogland. So sorry you have to go through this, so sorry for your pain.

Life Happens said...

I remember praying to God that I just wanted to know if I could GET pregnant. And when I loss that (first) pregnancy I felt like I had loss everything, but I was reminded that the Lord did answer my prayers...I DID get pregnant, I just needed help staying pregnant.

And through my faith, I was able to move forward.

I pray that God will bless you with comfort through this hard time and lift you up.

Jesica said...

While I'm not a religious person I do tend to believe that things happen for a reason. My miscarriage was last fall and we fell pregnant again just 8 weeks after it happened. I ovulated on my own for the first time in 18 months to achieve this pregnancy and I have to believe that it was necessary to lose the first to create the second. That's in theory anyway as I don't have a baby in my arms yet. I am hoping when I meet this little person that I will finally be able to say that the miscarriage was worth it, that it was worth it to have to experience that loss to get the baby I was meant to have.

Hoping and praying that I actually believe my own words someday and that you too one day will have a baby in your arms and what you're going through now will all be worth it in the end to get the baby you were meant to have.

BrokenBirdsBees said...

I'm sorry to hear. I, too, lost my baby in January. I was early on but his heart stopped beating also. :(

Nicole Rodriguez said...

I'm so sorry. The hurt and pain you have is so hard to bear at times. I miscarried a twin pregnancy and then had a stillborn son with my next pregnancy. I had one child already and then we were blessed with two more after those losses. I know it's so hard when you are going thru it all. I'm so glad you know GOD's promises and that He loves you. He is working on His plan for you. He knows just what we need and I promise He will bring you thru this.

xoxo-Kristen said...

I am so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you and your husband. just trust in jesus, i know that is so hard sometimes when we dont understand why me, why us! prayers for you sweet girl!

The Sirianni Family said...

I'm so sad for you! The pain of a miscarriage is so devasting especially after praying and hoping for a baby for so long.... Praying that the Lord will bless you as you wait on Him. BTW I have been "stalking" your blog for a few years now. This is the first time commenting. Loss is something I know sadly all too well...
Blessings,
Ashley

waiting said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I too had two miscarriages, so I CAN say that I know exactly how you feel. God is always at work, and he hasn't forgotten you! Keep believing! He will do great things for you! I went on to have a healthy pregnancy! I know that you will too!

twondra said...

Wonderfully written sweetie. This brought tears to my eyes. With our first miscarriage, we also nicknamed our baby jellybean.

You're right, you'll never forget and that makes you the perfect mother sweetie. Even now, having Hannah, I think about our angel babies so much and I miss them so much.

Love you sweetie and always thinking and praying for you. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten was "just be". If you need to cry, cry. If you're happy, be happy. Sad, be sad. Don't let anyone's course determine yours.

(((HUGS)))

Ashley said...

I haven't been checking blogs in a while and just got updated on everything. My eyes filled with tears for you. I wish I could just give you a hug right now!! We are still trying to conceive so I don't know what it is like to be pregnant and lose something so special. We all know you will be able to meet your baby in the future even though I know how much you would have loved to have him/her here now!!!! I wish I could just magically help you get pregnant but only God can do that! I will pray for strength and comfort in this all sweetie! Will be thinking of you!

Ashley said...

My heart and prayers go out to you guys. THis is a beautifully written post and I really admire your strength and your faith.

Veronique said...

I am sooooo sorry for your loss. I can`t even BEGIN to imagine how you both must feel. You are in my prayers...

Elyse said...

My heart literally broke for you. I am so sorry! I don't have the exact words to express my condolences. Sending love and gentle hugs your way!

I love my boys! said...

*tears* you are such an amazing woman ans the words you speak sometimes takes other mommy's years to figure out, even myself with some case. You are an amazing mommy and you are very right the pain will never go away but it will get easier and there is a master plan that God is working on for you, and when you reach your final destination it will be even more fulfilling!! You will forever have a guardian angel looking over you, zach, and his/her siblings forever!! May God bless you along this tough journey and be there to pick you up. many many many hugs to you! xoxo

Stefanie Miller said...

Continued prayers for you and Zach, Tiffany. I know you live near Waco, so I can't remember how far the drive is to Dallas (I went to Baylor several years ago), but anyways, if you are interested, there is a support group called M.E.N.D. (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death www.mend.org) that meets monthly. I live outside Houston now, so I attend the Houston chapter of MEND and it has helped me immensely, just being able to talk about it in a room full of women who have also "been there" and "get it." (((Hugs)))

Aysh said...

I'm so sorry to read about your loss. But it's great to hear how you're dealign with it and are accepting it slowly.

You are so right, it's all part of Gods plan. We can never really understand why he does what he does, but he's always with you.

My aunt went through the same thing when she was fourth months pregnant, and she found this really consoling;
Islamically we believe that when patient through times like these, the foetus pulls his mother up to paradise by his umbillical cord. He/She will always be with you :)

Keep strong x

Shannon said...

Checking in to see how you are.

A Divine Day said...

I have been following your blog for some time and just wanted to tell you my heart breaks for you!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Tiffany said...

I love you and I am so truly sorry.

Kelly said...

Hi Tiffany,

I have been thinking of you a lot lately. I wanted to stop by today and see how you and your hubby are doing. I know there are no words to truly express our sympathy, but I really wanted you to know that we have been thinking of you and lifting you up in our prayers.

Praying for God to continue to be your strength and your guiding light. Our thoughts are with you sweetie...

Lots of hugs,
Kelly

The Granberrys said...

There are no words I, or anyone else, could say to comfort you right now. I am praying for you & praying you will feel the comfort and peace that only the Lord can give.

lifewithyou1222 said...

A couple times now I have started writing a comment but I never know what to say. I have been thinking about you a lot and I am crying out to God for you. As you said, everything that you got to experience with your child is so amazing and beautiful. I don't pretend to understand all that you have gone through...but with the journey God has taken my husband and I on as far as health and pregnancy, a lot of your words resonated greatly with me. Your sweet baby will never be forgotten. Your post, though heartbreaking, is written by one amazing Mama!!

Stacey said...

Tiffany, I'm just getting caught up with your blog for the past month or so, which means that just tonight I felt extreme joy for you and your precious miracle and extreme sadness as I continued to read about your loss. My heart aches for you and I know that there's not much anyone can say to ease this pain. Miscarriage is SO HARD and I'm just sorry for you and your hurting heart right now. Praying for the Lord to give you the comfort and peace that only He can give. There is peace in knowing that our little ones are with Jesus, but I know how badly we always, always miss them here on earth. I'm still hoping and believing with you that your prayers will someday be answered. Much love and many heartfelt prayers.

Sandra said...

Hugs

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

Just checking in as I haven't been on my blog in awhile. Sometimes we can read sad things and distance ourselves. I couldn't do that. I've been following your journey for so long that I'm actually crying for you, my heart is broken for you.


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