Friday, December 14, 2012

Reflections on Infertility

I've had time today to read through some of my old post, some I've forgotten I've even written. So if you read my blog for years the following may look familiar...but given that we are so close to our sweet miracle Pifer bean, I don't ever want to forget what we have been through; I want to praise God in these moments; He took us through these paths for a reason...and for that I'm so thankful.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life. The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the STRENGTH within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I’m a better person for it.
TO my readers who are still on this journey, don't give up please! It took us almost 7 years. SEVEN YEARS...but within those 7 years we have grown so close. This journey is still far from over for me, 18 weeks pregnant sounds so far (which it is) but I still have quite some time before this child is in my arms. Don't get me wrong, I rejoice and praise our Lord every day...but there isn't a moment I'm not scared. I'm not 100% positive why God places struggles in our life, the only thing I can come up with is he is using those struggles to mold us into the exact person he wants us to be--he has better things in store for us, things we couldn't even imagine. Never give up, never lose your faith, never stray to far from God. He is and will always be by you on this path, even in your darkest moments.


Holly said...

So very true. Thank You, I really needed that today. Still praying for you.

Molar Survivor said...

I am so happy for you and your husband! I know you have waited a very long time for this and was overjoyed to read a couple months ago that you were pregnant. I have been following your story from as far back as your active posting days on IAP. The pic of you and hubby laying on the have come a long way and I admire the outlook you have on everything. You could have choosen to be bitter, say why me and blame God for all the bad. You didn't though and that is awesome of you! I pray your little bean is healthy and I can't wait to read the results from your gender scan. All the best! :)

The Granberrys said...

I love, love, love this post. It is encouraging to know that God uses infertility (like all things), to work together for our good. Even when it's hard to see. He is faithful & I know that I, too, never want to forget our trials. Praying for many more healthy weeks of baby growing for you!

Rachel said...

My sentiments exactly...

I know that I could not have felt the same way about our precious Eleanna had we not been through our infertility journey. It was because of our struggles that I could hold her and fully appreciate what a precious gift she is to us. It is also because of our loss of her that I had the strength to move forward and now have twins sleeping in their cribs upstairs.

Life is so hard and not only does he make us better for our selves, but also to help others along the way.

Big hugs enjoy this Holiday Season.

chouseholder08 said...

Love reading your story. It is very uplifting. My husband & I are at 3 years of trying, with just recently having our first loss. Praying you have a healthy next 22 weeks of your pregnancy.

kdactyl said...

Very well said. Praying everyday for a healthy baby in ~22 weeks.

Lauren Bice said...

This is so nicely stated. Thank you!

Ashley said...

Love this! You have no idea how many people you are affecting. Giving hope and encouragement!

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