Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Infertilities Heartaches

{I changed the title of this blog from “Infertility Sucks” to “Infertilities Heartaches” I want to post about the “heartache and sadness” that infertility brings upon at times and I want others to see ALL sides of infertility…however I “personally” can’t say infertility sucks as it’s done great things to me and made me who I am today---but it has broken my heart a couple times, so this title seemed more “fitting”.}
Broken heart from Infertility?

"Your not alone..."

Here is a Pop Quiz:
Out of the following, which injury/illness will most insurances cover?
a) $10 worth of ovulation-induction medication
b) Triple heart bypass for a man with high cholesterol and morbid obesity from decades of poor diet consisting of daily cheeseburgers and pizza
c) Surgery to repair a fractured leg following a sky-diving incident
d) Chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation therapy to treat a woman's lung cancer, caused by nearly 30 years of smoking
e) A prescription for Viagra so a man can engage in sexual activity
f) All of the above, except a.

If you chose f, unfortunately, you are correct. Life is full of choices and it is true that recently many people refuse to take responsibility for their actions. However, in the above examples, these people chose to eat poorly, sky dive, smoke, and have sex and yet, insurance helped them fix the consequences for their actions. Very few couples chose to be infertile. They chose to try to conceive, but do not receive help from their insurance.

Most of my blogs are “upbeat”…”positive”…anything but negative or sad. However, lets me be honest, infertility doesn’t just have a “positive” effect on people, there are the “down” moments. Let me rephrase that…there are extremely down moments where you want to crawl in a whole and never come out!

Infertility is one of the number causes of depression…not being able to conceive your own child can be horrible, it can make you feel like a failure…my God, our bodies are supposed to work normal right? Some women have a very hard time with infertility. I have vowed to not be negative, I have vowed to my husband, God and my friends to get through this journey with the upmost Faith, courage and Strength. I to have my down moments, but they are far and few between. But since this is “National Infertility Awareness Week” I want you all to see “every” side of infertility…not just the positive side, not just my friends or family’s side…I want you to see the hurt that infertility can cause…

Below are some very true quotes from people whom have/or are experiencing infertility. Some may be near and dear to you. I know there was a moment in my life that I have thought at least one of these things…

" I feel like a total basket case. I feel SO insecure about myself, like I am defective or something. Its gotten to the point where I don't even like being around people anymore."

"i have been ttc 3 years and after ttc 18 months i felt the same.... i went into depression and wouldn't go out of the house......i hated seeing my friends.... i felt a failure."

"Things that were personal and private and special between my husband and I are no longer. I feel like a failure because I can't give my husband another child and I feel like I'm not as much of a woman because my body can't/won't do the things it is supposed to do."

"I have become numb. It's difficult to sometimes balance trying to stay positive without getting my hopes up. It's almost as If I go around my daily chores on automatic, without thinking, without feeling. Wake up, go to work, come home be depressed, go to bed, wake up and the whole cycle starts again. I don't look forward to anything. I don't care about vacations, promotions. Just numb. I try to put up a front so that i won't be such a drag to be around. I don't think I will ever be the same."

"Being a parent and having a family was always a part of the picture for us. We were going to be parents. That's part of how I understood myself and my wife. And now, it may not happen. I'm a husband but I'm not a father. So who am I now, and who is my wife, and are we really a family--can we be, without kids?"

"I've been on this road for over two years. It's the most stressful thing I've ever dealt with. The insecurities are bleeding into EVERY part of my life. I feel like I'm losing myself piece by piece day by day. I feel left behind as everyone around me has started and some completed their families. I feel broken and defective. I can't find the strength that I've relied on for so many other low points in my life."

"I am just tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of hoping. Tired of that terrible high school feeling of being “dumped" every month when AF rears her ugly face. I was more hopeful than usual this month. You’d think I would have learned better by now. I used to be such a smiley happy person. I don't even feel like me anymore."

"I do believe in God, however, my faith has been rocked. There is no way to say it hasn't. We see so much gloom and doom in what people can do to their own children and we sit here trying and praying desperately for a baby to love and take care of. I cannot pray any more. I have found that when I try to pray I just stop. I ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for me as I am unable to. I hope that God can understand and help me get past these feelings of failure and loss."

"It is unfair. I know life is unfair. I have so many good things in my life, but right now I’m obsessed and TTC has robbed me of the joy and hope of life. In that respect I feel cheated. I feel like the solution is just out of reach. I can see it, I’m trying, stretching and giving it my best, but in the end I’m a failure!"

"We are not alone...God is with us every step of the way and we WILL surive infertility"

{Sorry for the Debbie Downer post, however it's important to see and understand ALL sides of infertility}


Ape said...

So I am sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks. I can only imagine how hard this is on people. I take that back, I dont think I can imagine how hard it is. I want all of you TTC people out there to know that I am praying for each and every one of you. HUGS AND WISHES

Nichole said...

First of all - I don't think this was a Debbie Downer post at all - it was beautiful. It was so refreshing to see that so many others are struggling and feeling the same way DH and I do.

Second of all - I don't know who Ape is, but what an AMAZING post. I assume by her post that she is not infertile, however it just seems that she "gets it" Thank you Ape - you are a breath of fresh air!

G & H said...

What a beautiful honest post! Thank you so much for sharing!

Ashley said...


That post breaks my heart. You are so amazing and such an inspiration—I think it’s amazing that you are posting the “heartache” moments. It’s so important for women like me to see these and truly understand. I never knew a lot about infertility, but I am so blessed that I have met you and you have taught me about infertility. I have such a “new” and “approved” appreciation on things and the love of my children. Don’t get me wrong, I always loved them from the day they were born, but now I “really” appreciate the cries, the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, and temper tantrums even “that much” more. Tiffany-you and ALL of these women have taught me so much and I think it’s wonderful that you are posting all this information this week, not only for all the infertile women, but for the fertile women as well! I wish there was something I could do, I wish I could hug each one of ya’ll and make these pains go away…however just know that I am praying for you Tiffany-day and night, as well as ALL you other ladies as well!

Love ya-


Kim said...

I am so glad I came across your blog. I feel those same feelings sometimes. I feel guilty sometimes bc we have only been trying for 10 months, but it feels like forever. I was diagnosed with endometriosis last May and have been trying to stay positive, but sometimes it is so hard.
Debbie Downer...lol My husband and I always joke about that to each other. Don't be such a Debbie!

Anonymous said...

Tiffany - thanks for sharing this as everyone needs to see how hard infertility is. I know for Prince Charming and I it was devastating to find out that we were the 20% of infertile couples who had both male and female factors, and that we would never have biological children. Even now that we will be adopting in December we still hold our breath because of the pain we have gone through.

Anonymous said...

Tiffany, I just want youto know that I read your blog everyday and YOU seriously keep me going. I have gone thru so much with my infertilty issues and it is very hard. I get down on myself all the time but when I read your blog, I know I have hope and faith that I will become pregnant someday. I had tears of joy in my eyes when I read your last blog, not sadness. I know that we will get pregnant, your words are so inspiring, THANK YOU!!!!! XXXXXXXX

~the mccrarys~ said...

that is so true how cruel the world is about the insurance companies! i think that's one of the main things that makes me so mad about infertility. it's like as if things arent hard enough for couples struggling to make a family, but then they get little or no help from insurance companies. some couples have the money to still pay for treatments but lots dont & that's a very unfortunate reality...hopefully one day that'll change

Stacey said...

I could definitely identify with so many of those quotes from others who suffer from infertility (and miscarriage). Even with faith and support, it can be such a lonely, dark road. Like you, I try to be positive while at the same time I want to be honest about all parts of this process. I'm glad you've written about the hard stuff too. There are beautiful lessons to be learned, but it sure does hurt too!

Meredith said...

This is a heartbreaking reality check, especially for those of us who have never faced this challenge.
I remember how upset I would be after just 6 months of TTC our second baby, and I know that is nothing compared to the disappointment that comes after even longer.

I pray that the Lord blesses you and your husband with a precious baby soon.

Lori said...

The quote that I can relate to the most right now, is the one about just being tired. Tired in so many ways, but mostly emotionally. When I feel like I cannot take one more day of this, the Lord comes to my rescue and gives me strength and even HOPE to face tomorrow, to face infertility. I really admire the way you are dealing with your infertility. I too, am trying my best to face infertility with a positive outlook. I could never attempt to do that if it were not for my Saviour! He gives me Hope for tomorrow!!

Megan said...

You certainly know I can relate to so many of those people. *sigh*

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