Friends with an Infertile Couple

Being a good friend to an Infertile can be quite hard at times; in fact it's not an easy job at all. This job has boundaries--the job of being a good friend to an infertile can be very busy and very demanding at times; other times you will sit the sideline and be forced to be the 'outsider' looking in. When you decide your ready for this venture; take it on full force--but beware that it will be difficult.

Infertiles come in all shapes and forms...yes they can all be categorized as the classic 'infertile couple'' however variations will exist. You will have your pessimist, extrenal or internal optimist, your newbie who is just starting out, the friend in denial...your long term friend who might be highly involved can be a tricky one to master--be sure to handle this one with care..., you have the old timers who've been doing this so long it just becomes part of who they are and the ones who are so bitter you might want to engage with caution...

Infertiles tend to move through these stages at a different pace..

In order to understand more of what your family member or friend is going through, it might be beneficial for you to find out more about infertility. A lot of information is available on the topic from infertility support groups, or local organizations. Your personal local hospital or Dr's office may be able to give you some insight about your loved ones...if all else fails there is google!!

ASK how you can be supportive--The best way to be supportive is by asking what you can do. This allows the couple involved to determine the kind of role you will play in support. And it allows them to retain control over a very personal issue. If the couple tells you that there is nothing that you can do, respect their requests, and offer to be there for them in the future should they need you .

DON'T force the issue--Even though you may want to talk about the diagnosis or treatment options that your friends are pursuing, they might not feel the same way. It is important to allow them to discuss their emotions and concerns about infertility in their own time. Don't make comments such as, "When are you going to get pregnant?" or "What treatment are you going to try next?" These comments can be hurtful and inappropriate. Make your friends aware that you are available to talk at any time, but don't force your advice upon them.

RESIST Comparisons--Though it can be tempting to tell your family members about people you know who are also going through fertility treatments, this is generally not a wise idea. Everyone's experience with infertility is different...

DON'T be overly optimistic or pessimistic--Fertility treatments can be very successful sometimes. IUI and IVF offer success rates of up to 25% per cycle. However, even if your friend is undergoing treatment, there is a possibility that a pregnancy won't result. Many women do become pregnant, but experience miscarriage early on. So try to avoid being overly optimistic about treatments. However, this does not mean that you should be negative about treatment either. Try to be supportive without leaning one way or the other.

AVOID recommending treatments--If a family member or close friend is undergoing fertility treatments, then you will probably be interested in finding out more about these procedures. But try to avoid recommending one procedure over another. Choosing fertility treatments needs to be a personal decision and it should only be made between the individuals directly involved. Feel free to offer support about treatment, but try not to favor one treatment over another.

DON'T judge--Remember that unless you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF/terminate a pg/spend so much money on ART etc”.

NEVER offer platitudes-- This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly insensitive thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin etc”. Infertility is a medical condition!

ANNOUNCING pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things--Trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.

REMEMBER both partners--There is usually more than one individual involved in an diagnosis of infertility. Unfortunately, because infertility is often seen as a "woman's disease," male partners often get left out of the picture. In fact, up to 50% of infertility diagnoses are due to male infertility. It is important that male partners get all the support and concern that you can provide.