I met Tiffany probably in February 2008 on a website called twoweekwait.com, a website designed for information and support through the whole ttc process. We were part of the same buddy group with a bunch of other women, it seemed like so many of them came and went and got pregnant and left, but Tiffany and I and a handful of others still keep in touch. She is an amazing woman and far stronger than I could ever hope to be.
I told Tiffany I almost didn't feel right writing this story because I don't feel like a success story, while my story does take place over several years I don't feel like I've gone through anything near as hard as what she has, but because she asked and I love her, here you go.
I decided I was ready for a baby probably around September 2006. My husband and I had already been married 4 years, he was in his last year of nursing school and to me, the timing just felt right. My husband however, disagreed. He didn't want to try until he was out of school, with the NCLEX passed and a job secured. I can understand the practical side of this, but my heart had decided it was ready and this was a sore point for me.
It took a year from the time I told my husband I was ready until he decided he was ready, and that was honestly the worst and most difficult year of our marriage. I felt like he was being TOO practical and worried and not giving enough credit to faith. When he finally told me he was ready I was so happy.
We started trying in September 2007. Month after month I was NOT turning up pregnant. In the mean time my best friend got pregnant on her second month of trying. I tried not to be bitter but it hurt, I'd been waiting for this for so long already (between waiting a year for my husband to come around and four unsuccessful months of actual trying). The holidays came and went and trying became even more difficult for us. I don't know about the rest of you, but the TRYING part is over rated.
Finally on March 10, 2008 I found out I was pregnant. It took 7 cycles but my husband and I were SO thrilled!!! We pretty much told our entire immediate family that first week. I had never in my life been happier. I suffered through about 6 weeks of morning sickness and other normal pregnancy symptoms.
At twelve weeks pregnant we were on vacation and I started to spot. This had happened a few times before so I wasn't worried at first, but this time it didn't go away. I called my midwife while still in
Nothing in my life has ever hurt like it did in that moment to realize my child had died. All the months of trying, the years of waiting, the happiness we felt were gone, wasted, just like that. In one brief moment my whole world fell apart.
We elected to use cytotech and miscarry at home rather than do a d&c. The midwife loaded me up with pain meds, told me to call if I needed anything and we went home to lose our child. I was very fortunate that the medication worked well and we avoided a d&c and we were privileged to get to see our precious child. We lost him on May 7, 2008. My husband took the baby and buried him on a mountain above the city where we lived.
We began to ttc again the next month with no luck. All the rumors I'd heard about being more fertile after a miscarriage didn't seem to apply to me. We continued to try and on September 4, 2008 I again found out I was pregnant. This time I wasn't quite as excited and we didn't really tell anyone this time. My sister knew, and of course my wonderful online friends knew but that was all.
I wasn't really symptomatic this time and never really had a good feeling about that pregnancy. At 7 weeks I started to spot, and again the same thing, it wouldn't stop. I called my midwife and asked for an ultra sound. My mom came down and went with me because my husband couldn't take the time off of work.
This time the baby DID have a heart beat. It was measuring a little behind but the radiologist and the midwife weren't concerned. They told me to go home and follow up with my midwife in a few days. As the day progressed the cramping I was having got worse. My husband went to work and my mom stayed home with me.
The cramping because extremely intense and I called the midwife and told her what was happening. She said she couldn't believe it, but I must be miscarrying. I begged for some pain killers, the pain was like nothing I've ever experienced. It was completely miserable, the WORST thing physically I have ever gone through. I can't imagine actual child birth being any worse.
I made it through the night and hadn't lost the baby yet, but when I got up the next morning the sac passed. I took it up to the hospital to get genetic testing done on it, only to later find out that the lab messed up and never ran any tests.
At first I was kind of numb, after all I had been expecting this from the start, but eventually the pain set in and I became pretty depressed. I lost baby #2 on September 30, 2008.
A short while later we sold our house as we prepared for my husband to join the US Air Force and ended up moving in with my parents. His actual commission date kept getting pushed back and we decided to take a break from ttc until he was in the Air Force and we were settled wherever it is we were going.
Fast forward one year. My husband had just graduated from Commissioned Officer Training in November 2009, we came home to celebrate Thanksgiving with our family and then moved to
Turns out I was. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant and due August 20th. I've had tons of blood tests done to try and diagnose the cause of the other miscarriages, but they all came out ok. I have had four ultra sounds and everything seems to be going beautifully.
Sometimes I still can't believe that it's real. We didn't even try for this one it just happened. And sometimes I feel guilty for being able to pregnant without trying when I know it's so hard for others. It just seems like it was finally the right time.
Losing my babies was the hardest thing I've ever been through. No one can understand unless they've been through it as well, and that's not something I would ever wish on anyone. I've been really depressed at times, angry at times (my sister in law got pregnant and had a baby one month after my 2nd one was due, THAT took a toll on me) but have eventually come to a good place and accepted that life it what it is. Sometimes bad things happen to good, deserving people and there's no rhyme or reason to it and it does no good to obsess over the why. All we can do is just try to heal and move on.
Don't get me wrong though, it still hurts. I cried as I wrote this out and my heart still aches for those babies. Getting pregnant doesn't make it hurt any less like I thought it would. Those children will always have a special place in my heart.
Good luck to all of you who are still on your journey to pregnancy. It was a long bumpy road for me, and isn't even over yet. I know things can still go wrong. But I've felt good about this baby right from the start and I know that I will get to hold this child at the end of this pregnancy. I will at long last, get to be a mother. Don't give up your dreams, don't let the journey break you down. Hold on to the vision of you holding your sweet child and you will make it through.
Don't forget about today's givaway, here.