Thursday, January 20, 2011

Our upcoming JUMP

Thank you to everyone regarding my 'honestly scared' post about our upcoming adventure. I received so many sweet emails, calls, texts and comments...I'm glad to hear I am normal.

I did receive one asking why I am so scared, 'isn't this what I've been wanting'.

I honestly don't think anyone wants to go through IVF, or through the other treatments to get pregnant for that matter, however others like myself will do whatever it takes to conceive our miracle blessing from above. No one starts out saying, I want a baby, IVF sounds fun--lets try that.... there is SOOOOO much involved with going down this journey, ours took years! I'm so grateful for this journey, for this insurance, and look forward to this year.

But the unknown can be scary.

The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I pray to be.

After my original post, I'm relieved to know it's normal to be scared of the unknown. You see right now Zach and I still have two options to becoming parents...IVF or adoption. It's nice to have options, it's nice to know there is always another way you can become a parent if you fail in your current treatment.

When I was having my IUI's, although I didn't want to travel down the IVF path, I knew that it was there if I needed to. When I was told that we needed IVF and my RE didn't want to pursue any more IUI's I was a little heartbroken. I felt like my options were running out, as well as getting more and more expensive.

We have been saving for over a year just for IVF; still actively trying...praying that something would happen naturally. Although Zach and I wanted to try invitro so very bad, were also scared it will not work...if it doesn't work it's not God's plan, we understand that. But going down this path is almost our last resort in having our own biological child...I am nervous.

I am trying my hardest to get all of these emotions out before we start down this path, I woke up the other night sat up in bed and just cried....I'm so unbelievably happy to know that we are approaching this journey, I just wish these scared thoughts would exit my body.

I know my fellow infertile's know the pain when you start your cycle, it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. Well after 5 years I don't dread that time of the month anymore, I don't cry when 'she' shows up, I don't scream and ask God why he didn't bless my womb with a child...I have finally accepted his plan for us, and it doesn't hurt 'as bad'. When I had my IUI's, especially the last one, it was awful...I remember the day like it was yesterday-I was SO hopeful, I just KNEW it would work, I was at work and it literally made me sick, I went to a fellow coworkers desk, dropped to my knees and just sobbed. I DON'T want that to happen again. I think I am a strong girlie, but I know for a fact that if this doesn't work I will be so sad, and I don't want to be.

I know thats normal, to be sad that is...and maybe me being scared is me protecting my heart, it's just taking me a long time to get to this point and I don't want to break. I don't want to get my hopes up...I just honestly want this to work, but I'm scared.

I am beyond ready for this jump, this path that I've prayed for....in fact we have actually thought about starting at the end of February, but I still think March will be the month we start...point is, we are excited and can't wait.

I just pray that these scared thoughts will leave me soon; I just want 'only' the happy and excited thoughts. I know, can't have my cake and eat it too....you can't have one without the other, thats part of life :)

I guess theres only one thing left to say....CAN MARCH GET HERE ALREADY!!!!! :)



12 comments:

Kolt and Susannah said...

I am so happy that you guys are moving forward. I know we all prayed and hoped for a miracle, but like you said, it's nice to have options and I'm so excited that you're finally going down that path.

I love you and I hope really soon that we'll all be getting some great news from you!

Carpenters said...

Oh Tiffany, your feelings are so real! No matter what happens, you and your husband are going to be great parents! I am praying for you!

Ashley said...

I know where you are coming from about the whole scared and options part!! It is a good feeling knowing we have those options b/c that is what helps give us hope. It is scary once we get to that next option and not knowing what is going to happen! But I know you have much faith in God and have so many people praying for you....I know I am:)

sunnyside up said...

Good luck Tiffany!!!
I'll be praying for you!!!
April is our Fertility Specialist Appointment, we both know its a rough road, but we both are willing to travel down that road and if IVF is our answer, then so be it!

HUGS!

Lauren Bice said...

Wishing the best of luck to you on your Jump in March!

Rosie said...

Oh Tiff! Every single time I think about your upcoming journey, I tear up. I am just so beyond excited for ya'll! This will be a great year for ya'll! I'm praying your IVF works and you get that little miracle you've been praying for! Love you sweet friend!

staciek said...

I've been following your blog for awhile now. I'm also about to go through IVF for the first time starting next month and I totally understand how you feel! It is scary, even though it's something we want. Hoping for all the best for you!

Braden's mommy said...

Hi, I have been following your blog for awhile now and I was just wondering if you have ever thought about a gestational carrier? They would just carry your biological child. I have two little boys of my own and everytime I read your posts about your journey my heart aches for you, I could not imagine my life without my boys. I was just reading your last post and you said your only options are ivf or adoptionand I just wondered if you thought of anything else.I am praying that everything turns out the way you want. Every time I read your blog I tell my husband that I am going to offer to carry your child,by the way my name is also Tiffany.

Kristin said...

Tiffany,

I am so excited for you!! God has worked out every little detail so far to get you to this point.....He will continue to work them out. I will keep praying!

The Raymonds said...

This next step is undeniably a little "scary" in the infertile world. You go ahead and get these thoughts out whenever you need to!! This is a big step for you guys and while I am SO happy you can finally take that leap in March, I understand the fear that comes with it. Hang in there- God has HUGE plans for you and I just pray for you all the time. Your patience is a true gift from God! And fear is okay, I think most anyone would be fearful taking this step!

twondra said...

You sound just like me.....so natural to have all those feelings sweetie!

A well-deserved award for you awaits on my blog. :) (((HUGS)))

Adam and Mandy said...

I just stumbled across your blog today, and wanted to leave you a comment of encouragement!! I also have PCOS, my husband and I tried our very first IVF cycle in October of 2010, and as I write this we are 11 weeks pregnant! I am so excited for you and your husband as you walk down this road, and I want you to know that I have added you to my prayer list and will be lifting you up in prayer through every step!

I also wanted to say that I was scared of IVF too. It's not a place I ever envisioned my life taking me, but wow, God used it!! I blogged about the process (every week of it) and you are more than welcome to read through it if you (like I was) are feeling anxious about what it so to come! We have been so blessed through the IVF process and I am so passionate about what this God-given science has done for my life!

May God bless you as you travel this exciting road to mommyhood!!!


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