Zach looked at me the other night and said he has this gut feeling everything will work out and we will become parents very shortly. I hope he is right! A) because I want to become a mommy more than anything in this world but B) because I know he will be devastated if this cycle doesn't work; likewise for me.
Although I have vowed to myself and to Zach to not think negative about this cycle; I would be lying if there wasn't those thoughts that ran through my head periodically throughout this course. I'm human! As much as I pray; as much as I want this--this may not be what He wants for us--and although I will not understand that I will have to accept that. But right now I can't even bring myself to bear those thoughts.
I am literary hanging onto faith!!!
I have to be honest--Zach and I have caught ourselves thinking about nurseries...about names...about everything you would think about if you are pregnant. We quickly catch ourselves and quit in fear we will jinx ourselves--but mostly in fear that if this doesn't work we will have set ourselves up for a deeper sadness.
Every night after my shots Zach gives my belly a little kiss and says a little prayer for my 'eggies'--I can't began to tell you how grateful I am for him. There is NO way I could go through all this without him... (can I be honest for a second???) This whole IVF thing is not all fun and games; in fact there really isn't much fun in it at all...but it's so worth every pain, every ugly side effect, every bit of bloating, every bit of night sweats (which I get alot!), it's worth every awful headache...it's worth every bit of every bad thing thats happening to be right now; it's worth it all when I see how much he loves me knowing how great of a father he will be!! I'm amazed at how Zach is so understanding at my outburst in tears (because that happens quite frequently as well) He is great; and without him this wouldn't be happening!!
I've learned throughout my journey that Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to!
And right now, more than any other time thats all were holding onto! FAITH!
God has a special plan for us; I've believed in that all along...I do not know if this is His plan or not; and although this hasn't proven to be a 'fun' journey I'm enjoying it--it's memories that we will NEVER forget thats for sure!!! My momma always says 'KEEP THE FAITH' and thats what I'm trying to do!!
(don't forget if you are interested in winning a $100 head over to my review blog by clicking HERE)