Monday, May 2, 2011

Hangin' On

Zach looked at me the other night and said he has this gut feeling everything will work out and we will become parents very shortly. I hope he is right! A) because I want to become a mommy more than anything in this world but B) because I know he will be devastated if this cycle doesn't work; likewise for me.

Although I have vowed to myself and to Zach to not think negative about this cycle; I would be lying if there wasn't those thoughts that ran through my head periodically throughout this course. I'm human! As much as I pray; as much as I want this--this may not be what He wants for us--and although I will not understand that I will have to accept that. But right now I can't even bring myself to bear those thoughts. 

I am literary hanging onto faith!!!

I have to be honest--Zach and I have caught ourselves thinking about nurseries...about names...about everything you would think about if you are pregnant. We quickly catch ourselves and quit in fear we will jinx ourselves--but mostly in fear that if this doesn't work we will have set ourselves up for a deeper sadness. 

Every night after my shots Zach gives my belly a little kiss and says a little prayer for my 'eggies'--I can't began to tell you how grateful I am for him. There is NO way I could go through all this without him... (can I be honest for a second???) This whole IVF thing is not all fun and games; in fact there really isn't much fun in it at all...but it's so worth every pain, every ugly side effect, every bit of bloating, every bit of night sweats (which I get alot!), it's worth every awful's worth every bit of every bad thing thats happening to be right now; it's worth it all when I see how much he loves me knowing how great of a father he will be!! I'm amazed at how Zach is so understanding at my outburst in tears (because that happens quite frequently as well) He is great; and without him this wouldn't be happening!!

I've learned throughout my journey that Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to!

And right now, more than any other time thats all were holding onto! FAITH! 

God has a special plan for us; I've believed in that all along...I do not know if this is His plan or not; and although this hasn't proven to be a 'fun' journey I'm enjoying it--it's memories that we will NEVER forget thats for sure!!! My momma always says 'KEEP THE FAITH' and thats what I'm trying to do!!

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Kristin said...

That is so true what you said about faith, Tiffany. Of course, my story of faith is very different, but what I found is that it's during those struggles in life that we are closest to God and He shows His loving self to us in ways that we have never seen before, which really is a blessing, even when we just want the struggles to be over. Praying for you, as always!

Melody said...

I was thinking the other day about how NOT fun IVF must be. I hate shots so having one EVERY day or multiple ones per day does not sound fun to me. For so long I had no idea what IVF was. I didn't realize the whole process that went along with it and I KNOW my husband would not be willing to do what Zach is doing for you. The whole sample thing, yeah, NOT for him. I am so grateful you have someone in your life to go through this with you. It's so easy for me being on the outside looking in to feel like this is really going to work, but I know how different it must be for you. I'm praying for you!

Rosie said...

I sent you an email before reading your blog this morning, so you don't have to email me back if you don't want:)
I know that the process must be very difficult, but you are being so amazilngly strong-as is Zach for sure. What a rock he is for you and how lucky you are to have him. And also, good for you for having so much faith. So many women give up b/c they don't have the faith you have in your heart. Hopefully you are an inspiration to woman in doubt that even this far into an unwanted journey, you still have hope and think positive!
Love you friend!

amy said...

Praying for you and this very important cycle! Keep that faith, and continue those prayers for His will to be done. I bet very shortly you will be celebrating a pregnancy :) Good luck and stay strong!

Erick and Kristen Cedeno, and Abbi too! said...

Hey Tiffany! I awarded your blog with the Versatile Blogger! Check it out on my blog! Have a great day!

Sarah said...

Praying for you guys!

Ashley said...

You and Zach have such a wonderful connection and whole belly kissing made me go awwwww:) I always tell my husband I don't know what I would do without him too. And I totally agree with you on holding on to faith. He is the ultimate decision maker and knowing that he hears our prayers gives us hope! All of this medication buisness will be over before you know it:)

Jennifer said...

Praying for you. I have a feeling about this cycle too! Hugs!

Becky said...

Hang in there, and take one day (and shot) at a time. I am praying for you Tiffany!

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