It started out as a pebble. . . infertility that is.
Months went by without a pregnancy..it felt like I was dropping a pebble into water, which fogged my view to the biggest desire I've ever held--to become a mother!
But as the months continued to pass-Zach and I jumped over more and more milestones...our little pebble that we were carrying around turned into a huge rock--no longer was my vision only fogged; the ripples in the water became not only recongnizable to Zach and I, but now our friends and family could see our pain and desire to be parents.
Here within the last few months it feels as though my rock has now turned into a boulder.
There is no denying how far the ripples stretch out, how much of the water is disturbed, and how long it takes to get the water to find its natural rhythm again--there is no denying our pain.
Infertility has had a direct impact on all areas of our life. It has infiltrated everything. The pain and emotional stress, not to mention the physical toll...all are symbolic of the ripples created when something comes crashing into water. Although we try, at times it's hard to keep the ripples in control. At times the weight of infertility increases on our hearts and it feels as though the ripples are drowning us out.
Each failed cycle it gets more and more difficult to settle the water. It takes longer to find the peace.
I have come to terms with the fact that I can not control the size of the ripples, I can’t reign them in or act like they don’t exist. And I don’t necessarily have control over the weight of this difficult time. The ripples have infiltrated, yes. But they have also expanded me way beyond what I ever thought possible- and I don’t want to reign that in.
Everyone's ripples in life help to define them as a human being. Although at times our ripples seem never ending, I try to see the beauty in the artwork that it leaves. Regardless of the weight of the rock I hold, I have to find a way to skip that rock- allowing infertility to bounce off of the surface once in awhile.
8 comments:
Love this post!!
Beautiful. I can feel your pain and I know the weight of the pebble/rock/boulder. I hope it is lifted soon and the water settles so you can see your reflection clearly again. I know that you may have changed (all of us who go through this do)...but you are still in there. Don't let this process consume/lose you... Your dream is still out there...sometimes it just takes longer to get there than originally planned. Hang in there.
kd
Wow, I literally had goosebumps on my entire body after I read that. Tiffany, I know only a smidgen of what you are going thru. I hope that you find a big sense of comfort knowing you have so many out here in blogland thinking and praying for you and Zach.
I loved this! What a way to describe infertility. I feel the same way you do!!! One day we will be mothers:)
Very well put!!
What a perfect metaphor with what you are going though. My favorite part was where you said to look at the beauty of the artwork. Perfectly put!
You are such a strong woman Tiffany!!! Thinking of you today!!!
Great post Tiffany....I am sure many people can relate to "the ripples" that infertility brings with it.
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