Friday, July 15, 2011

Why?

If you ever need a surrogate, I'll happily be one...

Why don't you just adopt...

If you stop trying it will happen, it did with us...

Just get drunk, then it will happen...

Your trying extremely too hard, just give it up...

Want to borrow my kids for the weekend, after that you will change your mind about wanting children...

Your still so young, enjoy life kid free...

JUST RELAX...

Your not infertile, you just need a break...

Get one of your friends to carry your baby for you...

It's just not your time...

WHY must people feel the need to put there foot in there mouth...WHY must comments such as the above hurt SO bad? 

After 5 years of trying to conceive our first child we HAVE relaxed, we have went on SEVERAL breaks, we have considered adoption and surrogacy (just because we haven't acted upon these, does not mean there not in the back of our minds). We DON'T want to borrow YOUR kids, we want to have our own...but thanks for asking! I'm sure many of our friends would be more than willing to carry our baby, but I would like the opportunity to carry my own child...we are young-but frankly age doesn't matter, when your ready your ready!! I'm so glad that you got pregnant when you stopped trying, but the stork DIDN'T visit us in the 2 year break we had...and after 5 years of trying to conceive and being diagnosed INFERTILE by a Reproductive Endocrinology, I beg to differ--we don't 'just need a break'!

I understand your only trying to be nice, and you don't know what else to say...but in a situation like this it helps so much more to just sit and listen to US TALK, give us a hug, let us know you are there...do anything BUT say any of the above. We are still grieving the lose of our 2 little beans, this is harder than anything we have experienced...all we ask is that you please be sensitive.

25 comments:

waiting and wishing said...

Well said! I don't think people understand how much their "helpful" advice hurts. I find it funny they think after YEARS of infertility they are giving you some new awesome advice. To me, it's like some one telling you their water doesn't work, and you asking them if they've tried turning it on!! Thinking if you my friend :)

Diana said...

Totally understand! I actually wrote a post about this too! 10 things not to say to an infertile... Blahhhh! Some people just need to NOT talk. :) unfortunately U can't escape these "dr wanna-be's" .

amy said...

I totally understand, as most of us do unfortunately :( I'm so sorry you have to hear that at this painful time. I try so hard to understand where people come from, and be almost sympathetic to their comments...they just don't know how it feels and come across rather ignorant at times.

I'm keeping you in my prayers...stay faithful!!

Lauren Bice said...

I don't think that could have been stated any better. Sometimes people thinking they are helping with their advice, but they just don't realize they are actually hurting. The worst part is, in the end, they truly DON'T understand what you are going through. No one, but others who have been through this themselves, will truly understand. Sending thoughts and prayers your way!

kirstenpetree said...

I hate that people have said these things to you! Some people should just not talk!!

Amanda said...

AMEN Tiffany!!!

Anna said...

This was always a pet peeve of mine and still is. I got to the point where I would say "well infertility is a medical diagnosis. Just like cancer. You can't relax away cancer, and you can't relax away infertility." It always made people at least stop and think. (((HUGS)))

Megan said...

AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

Sending you tons of (((HUGS))) and prayers for healing your broken hearts! xoxo

twondra said...

Amen! Well said. I know people mean well, but it still hurts. ((HUGS))

kdactyl said...

Even for those of us who have battled through IVF and a ton of other options to Finally get our family...this kind of stuff never stops. Now I hear things like..."I bet you will get pregnant now that you have your kids and think you are done...ha ha!!!" Just chaps my hide! (especially since I had my tubes tied after the 2nd baby JUST to make sure I didn't become one of those rediculous stories of babies post infertility)!!!!!!

Hang in there girl....I know these folks mean well...they just don't think before thy talk. I heard every single one of those when we were on the journey. I chose to just smile and nod and move on...afterall...before I became an infertile....I was guilty of the same thing and my intentions were never to hurt....

It is okay to just tell them that you know they mean well but those kinds of comments sting a little. I'm sure they will be all the support you need if you just tell them what you need is a hug and an ear....not placating words that really don't help.

I'm praying like mad you find a way to a 2nd IVF..... There is always so much to learn in the 1st one and we got our baby on the 2nd after those lessons....so I really really hope you can make it work.

kd

Jesica said...

I regret ever saying any one of those things to couples struggling with infertility because now as a fellow infertile I realize just how much those comments hurt.

Jennifer said...

Ugh, I completely share your feelings! I hate these comments! Since I've been blessed with my son the comments have started again. The most hurtful thing lately came from my SIL (between my 2 SIL's they have 5 "surprise" pregnancies, which makes me feel even more inadequate)... upon announcing her most recent pregnancy she said, "wow, they were right in 8th grade health class. It really is so easy to get pregnant". OUCH! That one hurt. I've also got plenty of the "once you stop trying you'll get pregnant again comments". I wish that were the case and that would be SO wonderful, but people saying things like that puts the pressure on, hurts me, and reminds me of how broken I am. This journey makes me a stronger person, but WOW does it really hurt too. I also feel like I shouldn't feel this way because I've been blessed with a child, but my heart desires more than one and it hurts to not be able to do it easily. Okay, I'm totally hijacking your post! I just have had these feelings (and more) bottled up and I guess I really need to get them out.

Jill said...

I think infertiles need to educate the masses about how to thoughtfully and helpfully interact and encourage infertiles. We all could do with this type of education. Teach us how to say things in ways that are helpful, teach us to say things that don't hurt or exacerbate the problems you are going through. :)

Kaylee114 said...

Would you please pray for this lovely family as they make the painful decision to bring their beautiful baby boy home to die peacefully.

http://jamescamdensikes.blogspot.com/

The Scott Family said...

Amen! To every single thing you said.

Rosie said...

Amen Lady! People just don't think before they speak. Thank god that you have this amazing perspective and that you'll never treat anyone grieving from infertility in that way. You are stronger because of it. Keep fighting the good fight, you haven't reached the top yet but you are well on your way :)

Stacey said...

I have heard every single one of these as well! We have been TTC for about 7 years. People just don't understand unless you have been through it. I have been reading your blog for a while.

Elisabeth said...

I've been there, after each loss we get so many people wanting to "fix" me. I do wish someone would offer to be a surrogate for me because of the issues I've had carrying my sweet babies (now in heaven) one girl who had her baby as a teenager decided to talk to me about adoption as if I was dumb and had no idea about children in foster care.

We have looked into adoption and in fact were in the process for 9 months in 2007-2008. Many of the children we get profiles of have serious health issues and once we adopt them we'd be responsible for their medical expenses. Some of them need 24 hour nursing care, some have severe mental issues because of the abuse they endured during their time with their bio parents. Because their medical issues began before they would be adopted by us they would not be covered under our insurance.

Some could only be "only children" and I am a more than one child mom.

Oh and if the children are of native american desent and are members of a tribe you must also be a member of a tribe to adopt them.

Aside from those road blocks there are many I have not mentioned.

After ttc for almost 6 years and losing two babies (Boy and girl) we don't need more hurt to add to our grief.

Amy said...

Oh how many times I've heard many of those Tiff. And it hurts every single time. People need to learn to keep their mouths shut..they HAVEN'T been in our . Keep your chin up, girl. I pray for you and Zach daily. Love you!

Rosie said...

I found myself getting angry with you as I read it. How can people be so insensitive? Ugh. I'm glad you wrote this. Some people need to understand that they are not doctors and their professional opinions don't always work!

Sarra said...

This post really hit home for me. The comment about being a surrogate is the one that hurts me the most. My cousin got pregnant recently and when she called to tell me, she actually said that when she pops this one out, she'd gladly be my surrogate. I was nice to her on the phone, but when we hung up, I cried and cried. I felt as if she was saying, "Since I can obviously get pregnant easily and you can't, I'll casually offer this to you." I know she was trying to be nice, but it was so hurtful.

It's good to know I'm not alone and there are people out there who do understand what I'm going through and that there are physical problems beyond just stress or "trying too hard" that are standing in our way.

YummyMummy said...

I hate these comments. I have a child so when people hear I am struggling to have another one I get, "well be happy with the one you have!" It's like, I am happy with her but am I wrong for wanting more children? Idk, I get tired of feeling selfish for wanting what I want and people should stop suggesting adoption like it's a cure for infertility because it's not. Great post.

Emily said...

Great post, I can't tell you how many MANY times we hear the same things. I actually practice my response to these types of things so I'm not caught off guard in social situations...as odd as that might sound, it makes me feel stronger and more prepared. Love to you in your journey!

Erica said...

Just found your blog and I feel like you are inside my head! My hubs and I have been trying for 4 years and I always feel so alone and that no one understands. Thanks for being so open about all of your feelings.

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