Friday, August 26, 2011

Can I be Honest?

Sorry I have been MIA for awhile--I just have had a million and one things on my mind and when I sit down to write about things, no words seem to come out.

This is a hard post for me to write. So many look at me to be 'strong' or to be inspirational, I feel like I am letting so many down by even saying this...but I am so weak right now!

Momma went to the hospital and had to stay a couple night last week--she is OK and Thank the Good Man upstairs that it was nothing to serious, but it's just so hard. I am the only child-I don't have other siblings to help me with decision or just plan and simple taking care of her--it's hard. I feel so alone and drained (emotionally and physically) at times. And just saying that following sentence makes me feel like the WORST daughter ever.  I miss my 'mommy' though...for as long as I can remember I have been taking care of her--it's so selfish of me knowing her situation and knowing she would give anything to be back to her normal state of mind for me to even say--' I need her to take care of me now'...She tries so hard, and she does do a good job, but I also don't unleash all my feelings and worries and sadness to her in fear of just upsetting her even more--I hold my feelings in so much in fear of upsetting the ones I love, I don't want to be that 'debbie downer daughter/friend/spouse'...everyone tells me how strong I am and in reality I feel anything but that!

On another subject of why I feel so blue--my body still hasn't gotten back on the right track (well...backtrack a moment, my body has never been on the right track, but hasn't gotten back on the track at least it knew...) since my IVF. I just want to move forward, but I still find myself getting so sad over things, really disliking my body...blaming myself for it not working. ((YOU DON'T have to say it, its not my fault and I DO KNOW that...but during my 'whyyyy me moments' I do blame myself)) It's just hard...and if I can be honest with you---I have been so weak, still so broken. How can something that never even 'happened' be holding onto my heart and not letting go?! Does the pain ever go away?

One of my best friends sent me the following quote the other day when all I could do was cry: 'Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength' ....

I know things happen for a reason---I know dark times DO disappear--I know that time heals all pain and the climb of life does get easier. I know that God has a plan for everyone and our moment will come in his time--I know that my family and friends truly love me and I know I am so very grateful to be surrounding by such amazing love and support.

I just don't know why this has to hurt so bad...I wish I could be superwoman at times and shield away all the pain and be as strong as some think I am! :(


Rachel said...

I'm right here with ya. It's so hard even when you have faith to believe that this all is for a good reason. How can God love us so much and still allow us to have all this pain?

We watched a video in our Sunday School class about grief a few years said something to the effect that in times of hardship God is right there with us sitting there in tears with you. I love this verse too:

Lamentations 3:19-32
The Message (MSG)
It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,

I love the parts about The worst is never the worst and he takes no pleasure in making life hard...

This verse cam to me from the book one year book of HOPE by Nancy Gutherie. I read it first a few years ago and now I am reading it again after I lost Eleanna.

Also, if there is any way that meds would help you out I & several friends have "left overs" that we would love to help you or someone out.

Life Happens said...

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I pray that your mom will get better and that you will find strength through all of this.

The only thing I can say is keep believing. Don't give up on your faith and what you know is true. I remember in my darkest times going through infertility, I had to remind myself that God knows my pains and WILL bless me in His time.

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

I love that quote, and I totally understand the blaming yourself during the "why me" moments. I know deep down none of this is my fault, but I still hate it and feel so guiilty. I hope you get your rainbow soon=)

LC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LC said...

Should of spell checked first...sorry. Here was my comment:

Tiffany - I know how hard this is...You really just need to let yourself grieve as long as you need to. There is not a set amount of time where the pain goes away. For me, it was about 3 months after my failed IVF where I felt emotionally ready again. Everyone is different...but you will get there in time. The pain does go away, but will always lie deep in your heart. This is just something that does not ever go forgotten for any of us. Please know that what you are feeling is normal. You WILL get through this and that is what makes you strong!
Sending lots and lots of love to you! Lean on us all - because we always understand and are here to offer you support. God Bless!

Elisabeth said...

I'm in the same boat. Since May my system hasn't gone back to my normal. When I lost Luke in October 2009 I was back to normal in December. Some think my not going back to normal now is because of stress. With grandma learning of her terminal cancer 3 days after to seeing her go down hill so fast and losing her just 2 months after her diagnosis is at times unbearable. Today has been a rough day for me too.

I get the "at least you can get pregnant" but honestly how good is it if I kept losing my babies? Losing my babies has been the worst part of the last six year journey.

I'm here if you ever need to vent

Amy said...

I'm so sorry don't know me, and I can't even remember how I found your blog, but I am so very sorry for all that you are going through. I have experienced great loss in my own life and I can understand many of your feelings. Though it is different for everyone, please know that you aren't alone. And know that its OK to cry and to feel sad...just don't let yourself stay there all the time. Its a natural process to feel all of these things and I honestly wish I could take some of the pain from you. I know that God will though. I will keep you in my prayers!

Ashley said...

Everytime I read your posts I always seem like I am in the same boat as you are. I am the only daughter to my parents here on earth as my sister went to the good Lord in 2004 after a car accident my entire family was in. And it is hard b/c I want to be there for them for whenever they need me, but at the same time that can be difficult. Sometimes it does get exhausting but I keep going b/c it is something I want to do! So I know where you are coming from! And it is okay to feel like you are feeling!

And about your infertility journey. That IVF cycle was such a huge part of your life I can understand why it is holding on your heart for a while. We are still in the process of trying to go to the next step and I already feel overwhelmed!

And I must say I still think you are SUCH a strong lady!!!! Even though at this time you don't feel like you are....I can tell just by reading your posts:)

Kristin said...

I can understand your feelings about your mom. I was an only child too and my mom had many health problems before she passed away and dealing with her death alone was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through.

Many people say God doesn't give us more than we can handle....the truth is that sometimes it IS more than we can handle, but with Him, we don't have to be strong and handle it on our own. It's okay if you fall apart....He will be there to help you up :)


Holly said...

I am praying for you to have the strenght you need for each day. You are an amazing women and you still are very inspritaional. Sending lots of prayers your way.

Kelly said...

Praying each day gets a little bit brighter than the one before. Grief is certainly no walk in the park and if I have learned anything in my own journey through grief, there is no 'right or wrong' way to do it. It's perfectly understandable to have these hard days - give yourself time to grieve, time to feel angry, time to feel frustrated and time to sit down and cry! You have so much on your plate right now, it's no wonder you are feeling so run down.

Our daughters 5th anniversary is quickly approaching and I can already feel the grief and anxiety bubbling up again. She passed away the night before my birthday and to this day, I still haven't had it in me to celebrate my bday. The pain of losing her is still so strong and at times, my heart feels raw. So when I hear you are struggling, my heart goes out to you! Please know I will continue to lift you up in prayers, as well as your hubby and your mom! During times like this, when we are weak and worn out - God truly does pick us up and carry us through.

Lots of love and hugs!

hopeful said...

It is not possible to have it together all the time; to act strong when you are weak. And that's totally ok! I think when the people who look up to you as an inspiration see you struggle they are not let down. It's how you come thru it that inspires people. Infertiles out there are not looking for someone to handle this journey perfectly but to be very real about the hardest, darkest days. And I think that's what you're doing! It lets us know we are not alone because we have all been there, one way or another. It's so hard to keep that brave face on. I love what the last girl said about when we are weak that is when God carries us through. How true. God's strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. I know how hard it must be to not be able to have your mom's support thru all this. But God will be close to the broken hearted. He will not cast us off forever. Though he brings grief he will show compassion. Those are things that get me through. One day infertility will be a distant memory. Until then, we just have to keep trusting, keep persevering, even when it makes no sense. Even when doing so seems absurd. God will get you through this. Lots of love!

Ellie said...

My heart goes out to you. Its ok to feel down... take the time you need to gather yourself and continue on. You have lots of good wishes from all of us readers.


teacher101 said...

I have followed your journey for quite awhile now and I know what you are going through. We've been through two IVF's and a loss of our twins. Its tough. But hang in there because it does get better. I promise.

voiceofhopeblog said...

Totally know what you mean by "knowing" the truth ("don't blame yourself, there's nothing you can do about it," etc...), but still feeling so crushed by the painful realities of infertility. Sometimes you just need to be honest and speak openly without people worrying so much about what you're saying, just understanding that you need to say it and accepting you emotions and all.
I just found your blog and am currently going through my second IUI... undecided about IVF just yet. But really appreciate your honesty and knowing that I am not the only one thinking and feeling these things.
You're in my prayers,

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