Friday, August 26, 2011

Can I be Honest?

Sorry I have been MIA for awhile--I just have had a million and one things on my mind and when I sit down to write about things, no words seem to come out.

This is a hard post for me to write. So many look at me to be 'strong' or to be inspirational, I feel like I am letting so many down by even saying this...but I am so weak right now!

Momma went to the hospital and had to stay a couple night last week--she is OK and Thank the Good Man upstairs that it was nothing to serious, but it's just so hard. I am the only child-I don't have other siblings to help me with decision or just plan and simple taking care of her--it's hard. I feel so alone and drained (emotionally and physically) at times. And just saying that following sentence makes me feel like the WORST daughter ever.  I miss my 'mommy' though...for as long as I can remember I have been taking care of her--it's so selfish of me knowing her situation and knowing she would give anything to be back to her normal state of mind for me to even say--' I need her to take care of me now'...She tries so hard, and she does do a good job, but I also don't unleash all my feelings and worries and sadness to her in fear of just upsetting her even more--I hold my feelings in so much in fear of upsetting the ones I love, I don't want to be that 'debbie downer daughter/friend/spouse'...everyone tells me how strong I am and in reality I feel anything but that!

On another subject of why I feel so blue--my body still hasn't gotten back on the right track (well...backtrack a moment, my body has never been on the right track, but hasn't gotten back on the track at least it knew...) since my IVF. I just want to move forward, but I still find myself getting so sad over things, really disliking my body...blaming myself for it not working. ((YOU DON'T have to say it, its not my fault and I DO KNOW that...but during my 'whyyyy me moments' I do blame myself)) It's just hard...and if I can be honest with you---I have been so weak, still so broken. How can something that never even 'happened' be holding onto my heart and not letting go?! Does the pain ever go away?

One of my best friends sent me the following quote the other day when all I could do was cry: 'Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength' ....

I know things happen for a reason---I know dark times DO disappear--I know that time heals all pain and the climb of life does get easier. I know that God has a plan for everyone and our moment will come in his time--I know that my family and friends truly love me and I know I am so very grateful to be surrounding by such amazing love and support.

I just don't know why this has to hurt so bad...I wish I could be superwoman at times and shield away all the pain and be as strong as some think I am! :(

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Our Life in Bullets

First let me apologize for my lack of blogging ...life has been a whirlwind lately...


* I started my new job (well not 'new'...it's where I worked before Talbots, I'm blessed that I was able to have my old job back, making more than I was making then plus now I have my weekends back off!) But things have just been crazy, I jumped into learning new things since I left, plus we are planning a business trip for next week...it's been a busy couple weeks!

* My brother in law lived in Austin which is a couple hours from us, well he decided to move back to our town--and until he is able to get an apt with friends he is staying with us. So last weekend we went down and packed up everything he owns to put it in storage while he lives with us---that was an exhausting weekend! Although due to all of our work schedules we hardly have seen him this week it's nice that we get to see him more than the normal. 

* My mom has been having some issues with her feet, she has been in alot of pain lately and just very uncomfortable....so any prayers you can send this way would be much appreciated.

* Zach's family is planning a trip to Branson, Missouri in October, however I am unsure if I will be able to go or not...Zach may have to make this trip without me which makes me so sad--we will see though, it all depends on when my bosses trip falls in Oct and thats what were waiting to see. 

*We have family pictures coming up next in September for this years Christmas cards (yes I know I can't believe the holidays are literally right around the corner!!) I LOVE getting our pictures professionally done--I may be a little 'over' excited for pictures, but I can't help myself!!

* I have fallen in love with 2 'fads' the past week.... #1 the feather, I finally caved and got one in my hair and I love it! #2 Shellac Nails....AMAZING! I love manicures, mostly because of the whole massage and how great my nails feel afterwords, but I always veered to fake nails only because I can't stand it when my polish chips....well have no fear Shellac is here! It's GREAT!!!

*My brother turned 15 yesterday! Where does the time go?!? He starts High School a little later this month---CRAZY! We are going over to there house tonight to celebrate his birthday!!! And speaking of High School, my 10 year reunion is next summer---SCARY to think it's already been 10 years!!

* Well I am sure I am leaving some things out, but pretty much that's my life in bullet points at this moment in time! Nothing very interesting-- I tried to post some pictures but blogger is being fussy at the moment! And I have received everyone's emails and request to be added to the Infertility Support Tab....I promise I am working on that and if your name isn't already up there it will be soon! :)

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