Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Should I be sad?

I received an email the other day from someone, who reads my blog, asking “Why am I happy, Why am I ok with this journey---shouldn’t I be sad…”

Let me explain a little into my happiness…

First and foremost, I am human—and being that I am human I most defiantly have my moments of sadness. I probably make this journey look ten times easier than it is. Due to my happiness people probably forget how much I long for a child…being a mother is something I’ve dreamed of for a long time, it’s something that crosses my mind daily, it’s something I pray for daily…I long to be able to see two pink lines, I dream of being able to tell my husband we are expecting and I can’t even imagine the day that I get to see my child’s face…I get scared at times, horrified is more like it…will that day ever come? Will I ever be called mommy, or will I always be just ‘Aunt Tiff’ (not that I mind being Aunt Tiff, I love all my little ones dearly!!!!)… so yes, I do get sad; I am only human!

However, a lot of people tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have; it comes from recognizing and appreciating what we do have. I don’t have everything in the world that I want, all my dreams haven’t come true…however despite the fact that my dreams to have a child have yet to come a reality---I am one extremely blessed women, and for that I am thankful, grateful and HAPPY!

You see, happiness is accepting who you are…the good…the bad…and the ugly. I AM INFERTILE, and I accept that! Happiness is doing the best you can, and being content with that…I am living my life, and leaving the rest to God and I proudly accept that.

Happiness is about being in awe for the opportunity to learn something new each day—I learn more about myself as well as become stronger through this journey daily…I don’t know what my life will bring tomorrow, or the next day…so why not enjoy where I am today?! Life is short, we should live it well…don’t think for a minute I back down from the obstacles I face because being a mother is my dream.

I haven’t always been happy…in fact I’ve cried until I didn’t have any more tears and I screamed until my voice went out! I still have my sad moments…again, I am only human! I get a horrible pit in my stomach just thinking of March rolling around—that’s our 4 year mark; the one anniversary in life you are not happy about; the anniversary of the date you began trying for your family. This journey is not an easy one; however I personally reached a point in life where I was tired of being sad and dwelling on something that isn’t in my control…so I gave my fears to God. I still have moments of fear and sadness; however it’s a lot easier with God holding my hand through them!

‘Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.’

I am wanting for my butterfly to come to me—I’ve spent almost four years chasing my butterfly, God has asked that I lean on him and he will guide me where I need to go; so in the mean time I am trusting in the Lord and awaiting the day my butterfly comes to me.

16 comments:

Melody said...

So sweet and SO true! You deserve and have EVERY right to be happy! Love you!

Leslee said...

Loved this post!!

Stephanie said...

You are one of the strongest people I've ever come in contact with! You are such an inspiration to so many people :) I pray your day will come soon....I know it will!!!!! Hugs

Elisabeth said...

I love this post! Praying 2010 will be a good year for us.

Ashley said...

You have such a great attitude! Thanks for being such an encouragement to the rest of us on this journey!

Angelica said...

Tiffany...this is such a beautiful post! The more I read about your journey the more I admire your faith in the Lord.
Blessed are those who believe and you, sweet one, will have her butterfly!

Lauren Kelly said...

Absolutely beautiful, Tiffany!!!! :)

Rosie said...

I love this quote you wrote: happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have; it comes from recognizing and appreciating what we do have.
It's so true in so many ways! You keep being happy and the Lord will reward you in the end. Love you!

Kristina said...

love it...dont feel like you have to defend yourself, though! Infertile women can still have JOY!! Thanks for sharing yours with everyone...you obviously have touched many people.

Our 4 year is in April and the thought of that makes me sick, too. 4 years...

Lucy said...

I love this entry. So honest and so encouraging, both at once. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. God bless you today xx

Kathy Lang said...

This is definitely my favorite post of yours! Your thoughts and feelings are VERY well said, and seem to come straight from your heart. I am praying that your dream of motherhood becomes a reality (soon)!

A said...

I love your thoughts on happiness while going through IF- I feel the same way you do!! I actually wrote a similar post a couple weeks ago!

Summer (BisforBrown) said...

I love this post and your honesty. Beautiful post, beautiful you.

*~Valerie~* said...

This is an absolutely beautiful post, thank you for being honest. It's extremely helpful to be reminded that you aren't the only one trying to see the silver lining of infertility while trying to be happy and appreciative for what you do have.

Our 6 year anniversary of trying is in January, I sincerely hope that 2010 is a great year for those of us still chasing our butterflies.

Please feel free to stop by our new site www.thebabyquest.com you'd commented on my old blog a while back when I was really struggling, and I don't forget kindness....so I check in on you regularly.

twondra said...

Such a nice, beautiful post. Thanks so much for sharing and for being you! Love you!!

Where's My Stork? said...

I agree with you Tiff! I'm in your same boat.
You cant let it rule your life. You are more then just an infertile person. You do many good things and can experience all the joys of life without kids. Like me, this is probably the hardest thing that you have ever done! Stay strong! I have enjoyed reading your blog and seeing your rock solid faith in God!


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