The first year of my infertility journey was the hardest year, I was bitter… angry…sad…confused. Why was it that everyone on God’s green earth could conceive but me? Here we were trying everything we could, praying day in and day out…but it didn’t happen. I can’t possibly explain the hurt in my heart and the fear that I’d never be able to have a child of my own. My attitude was far from good; sure…I put on my happy face throughout the day telling myself it would be ok, but at night I could crawl into bed and cry until I couldn’t cry anymore.
I spent the first year of our journey this way; how could someone who wanted something so bad be denied but yet so many out there didn’t want this but they conceived?
As most know I had a really bad night that ended in me yelling at God, crying until I was physically sick…I told God he didn’t care…at that moment I pretty much gave up on God. However that next morning, I woke up with a peace that I can’t begin to explain, I felt my broken heart wasn’t in as much pain, my outlook was different…God broke me down as far as I could possibly go to bring me closer to him, and that’s exactly what happened…
I’ve never shared this; but about a week after my breakdown I received an email from a friend, I didn’t tell anyone about my breakdown, only Zach knew…the email was a simple quote:
Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home…a person. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes. - Charles Swindoll
After four years of trying for our first, I still don’t understand everything…nor do I know his reasons, I still wonder when our time will come…and when I’ll be able to experience the feelings of pregnancy and motherhood. However I’m happy to say that my attitude and my outlook in life HAS changed. I do not react to my struggles as a bad thing now, I know they are a good thing—they are helping me to grow and to developed into the women God wants me to me. Your attitude on a particular journey can make or break you. I will NOT allow infertility to break us!