The first year of my infertility journey was the hardest year, I was bitter… angry…sad…confused. Why was it that everyone on God’s green earth could conceive but me? Here we were trying everything we could, praying day in and day out…but it didn’t happen. I can’t possibly explain the hurt in my heart and the fear that I’d never be able to have a child of my own. My attitude was far from good; sure…I put on my happy face throughout the day telling myself it would be ok, but at night I could crawl into bed and cry until I couldn’t cry anymore.I spent the first year of our journey this way; how could someone who wanted something so bad be denied but yet so many out there didn’t want this but they conceived?
As most know I had a really bad night that ended in me yelling at God, crying until I was physically sick…I told God he didn’t care…at that moment I pretty much gave up on God. However that next morning, I woke up with a peace that I can’t begin to explain, I felt my broken heart wasn’t in as much pain, my outlook was different…God broke me down as far as I could possibly go to bring me closer to him, and that’s exactly what happened…
I’ve never shared this; but about a week after my breakdown I received an email from a friend, I didn’t tell anyone about my breakdown, only Zach knew…the email was a simple quote:
Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home…a person. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes. - Charles Swindoll
After four years of trying for our first, I still don’t understand everything…nor do I know his reasons, I still wonder when our time will come…and when I’ll be able to experience the feelings of pregnancy and motherhood. However I’m happy to say that my attitude and my outlook in life HAS changed. I do not react to my struggles as a bad thing now, I know they are a good thing—they are helping me to grow and to developed into the women God wants me to me. Your attitude on a particular journey can make or break you. I will NOT allow infertility to break us!
15 comments:
http://exemplifyonline.com/family/2010/03/22/how-dreams-become-idols-and-how-to-dethrone-them/
LOVE the quote! You have an amazing attitude! You are always in my prayers!
Thank you for sharing that post, so true!! :)
Thank you Melissa, means alot!! Your always in my prayers as well :)
Well I think you just have the greatest attitude of anyone I have ever known. God works in mysterious ways, and maybe he wanted you to break down that time so that he could lift you up and appreciate Him more. You are and will always be in my prayers. Love you!
When I left home for Aggieland and started my freshman year 4 hours from all I knew and loved, my attitude stunk, too! I don't remember where, but I came across this GREAT quote from Charles Swindoll, copied it, and mounted it on construction paper. I taped it to my mirror so that every morning I was reminded of the importance of attitude! As you know, we've been trying to conceive for four years, as well, and it is indeed the most frustrating, but the most rewarding experience I've ever been through. Most don't understand it, and half the time I don't either, but I know there is something bigger to be had, and I know you believe that, too! Great post!
This was so inspiring to read, Tiffany. Thank you for sharing! My husband and I are just finishing up year 1 of infertility and I can say that this year has been filled with many of your same thoughts from your first year. But, God has a plan- and He is transforming us. It is such a support and joy to read your blog- thank you!
Infertility is a crazy rollercoaster of emotions, esp. the first year. Praying for you dear friend!
The quote has truly helped me! So glad it's helped you as well.
Praying for you sweetie; our God is a BIG God and he hears our prayers!
Well I think you are just the sweetest :) Thank you! Love ya!!!
Tiffany, I'm in awe! I just featured you on my blog! Come check it out!
The most amazing things happen when we take a minute to change how we feel about them. Infertiliy, misscarraige, and broken baby hearts are not fun and are really hard. But, I love my two and 1/2 miricals with all my heart, cherrish them more than I think I would if it were "easy" and have found joy in my journey, because of the wonderful people I have met along the way. On my little roller coaster of life, I am throwing my hands up and squeeling really loud. I am glad to hear that you have found the good in saddness too...
You are so so so sweet!!!! I can't express how much your blog post meant!
SO TRUE....thanks for your sweet sweet comment.
It took me a little bit longer to get to that point. I very hopeful for the first year or so, because we had just started trying. Then it got hard. For the next 2 years I was angry, bitter, heartbroken. But now I think I have finally got to a point of peace. My outlook on IF has changed dramatically. Yes, I still have nights when I wake up crying due to sadness. But I have a peace that God is taking care of me.
I am so glad that you shared this. I feel like your attitude has helped and encouraged me to get to the point of peace that I am at! Thank you!!!!!!!!!
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