Friday, June 17, 2011

It's a step...

When I was testing positive for that wonderful week; I lined my test up on the back of the toilet and watched my lines get darker, all 20 test (yes I should own stock in pregnancy test)...but it's something about seeing those 2 pink lines that you just can't have enough of!

The day I realized things were headed south I put all my test in a zip-lock bag and put them in our cabinet. I couldn't yet throw them away in hopes that 'maybe just maybe' the negative test were faulty, but I couldn't stare at them due to the heartache it brought me.

The other day I was off work and decided to clean the whole house, including the cabinet. I sat down on the bathroom floor and laid out all of the test; I smiled as I put the test in ordered seeing those lines get darker. Even now it somehow brings warmth to my heart; and as I hit #19 and #20 my tears began to flow again--the heart ache of seeing that line disappear. 

How one little line can make a world of a difference....

I put them back in the bag and up in the cabinet; but then it dawned on me--why am I keeping these? These aren't my babies...this isn't going to bring me anything put sadness...this isn't going to make the pain go away.

So I grabbed them and stormed outside to throw them in the trash; the minute after I did that I regretted it---what if, just what if those are the only positives I ever see...maybe I should have held onto them! Just in case you know?!

I wept in confusion, I wept because I missed seeing those 2 pink lines. I wept because it didn't work. 

But in those moments of sadness, I also wept because I saw those lines--God blessed me with being able to see 2 pink lines, I can actually say I 'can' make a test turn positive now (for a while I was beginning to think I wasn't capable of doing that!) I don't know why God choose this to end the way it did, but I know in my heart that it was for a valid reason. I will continue to hurt throughout the days, but the pain will eventually get better and fade away. I will never forget the happiness or sadness that those test brought me; but I am glad I was able to let them go...

It's a step to tomorrow...it's a step in the right direction...it's a step that God is helping me take!

8 comments:

Lauren said...

Thinking of you Tiffany!!!!

twondra said...

I felt a lot of those same feelings. Happy and so sad at the same time because of those 2 lines that I will never see again, happy because I got a chance to see them and sad because I never will again.

((HUGS))

Kim said...

I understand the value of seeing of those two pink lines, I have never seen them myself, and while I would never want to watch them dissappear I wouldnt trade seeing them for anything in the world, just because of what it represents, possibilities that we think never existed....HOPE.

May you continue to heal and shed the tears where neccessary as part of that process. You will see those two pink lines again, somehow, someday. xoxoxox

melissa said...

I remember always testing and always just getting one line or a not pregant. I really did start to think that there is no way a test could have 2 lines.
Finally, mine did and I now have 2 sweet girls to show for it.
Your time will come. I promise.

Ms. Agora said...

God really only gives us what we can handle. You r so strong and I admire and follow you. Please continue to be you and don't become scorned from this. You r a wonderful person and I know the end will justify the means in your case! Praying for you Zach.

Ms. Agora said...

Btw I too, have never seen two lines and would have given anything to know that feeling. So consider it a small blessing that previews to a larger one later on.

Rosie said...

Love you friend!

~Rae~ said...

I'm so sorry. This is exactly why I never tested early(pre 1st beta). I think I would have lost my mind had I got to see a + and then a neg:-( Did they warn you that testing early could possibly show a positive because of the HCG trigger shot you have to take before retrieval? That is basically the pregnancy hormone and will/can show as a + when you poas?
I was so hoping that this would be your time. I never want to see anyone having to go thru this.


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