When I was testing positive for that wonderful week; I lined my test up on the back of the toilet and watched my lines get darker, all 20 test (yes I should own stock in pregnancy test)...but it's something about seeing those 2 pink lines that you just can't have enough of!
The day I realized things were headed south I put all my test in a zip-lock bag and put them in our cabinet. I couldn't yet throw them away in hopes that 'maybe just maybe' the negative test were faulty, but I couldn't stare at them due to the heartache it brought me.
The other day I was off work and decided to clean the whole house, including the cabinet. I sat down on the bathroom floor and laid out all of the test; I smiled as I put the test in ordered seeing those lines get darker. Even now it somehow brings warmth to my heart; and as I hit #19 and #20 my tears began to flow again--the heart ache of seeing that line disappear.
How one little line can make a world of a difference....
I put them back in the bag and up in the cabinet; but then it dawned on me--why am I keeping these? These aren't my babies...this isn't going to bring me anything put sadness...this isn't going to make the pain go away.
So I grabbed them and stormed outside to throw them in the trash; the minute after I did that I regretted it---what if, just what if those are the only positives I ever see...maybe I should have held onto them! Just in case you know?!
I wept in confusion, I wept because I missed seeing those 2 pink lines. I wept because it didn't work.
But in those moments of sadness, I also wept because I saw those lines--God blessed me with being able to see 2 pink lines, I can actually say I 'can' make a test turn positive now (for a while I was beginning to think I wasn't capable of doing that!) I don't know why God choose this to end the way it did, but I know in my heart that it was for a valid reason. I will continue to hurt throughout the days, but the pain will eventually get better and fade away. I will never forget the happiness or sadness that those test brought me; but I am glad I was able to let them go...
It's a step to tomorrow...it's a step in the right direction...it's a step that God is helping me take!