Sunday, June 12, 2011

Life will go on...

Throughout the past 5 years I've held onto Faith, I've held onto God's hand as he guided me/us down the path that we needed to be on---I really thought this was 'our' path; although it was our path I thought it would be a little different.

We have gone through alot in these 5 years; especially within the past few weeks...endless amount of shots, bruises & knots that now linger, bloating and hot flashes galore, crazy emotions, and just an overall outer body experience--and as crazy as it sounds I don't regret any of the pain that we/I went through...this was by far the hardest yet most rewarding journey I've ever been through--I've cried more within the past few weeks (and days) than I have within the last 5 years...I know the tears are not over yet; they may come and go periodically throughout the days, but eventually they will fade away.

What no one knows, is I started testing around 7 days past transfer. I really debated if I wanted to or not--I had one test in my cabinet and decided I will just take it to see what it says, to my complete shock it was positive...after work I went to the store and bought 2 more boxes....I decided I would just test a couple more to see if my lines get darker or lighter---they kept getting darker; I was beyond shocked and was in major denial! I caved and tested with a digital, I remember thinking to myself just pop up 'not pregnant' as the hourglass went around forever...I sat it down, brushed my teeth and looked back...the 'not' that's always been in front was not there--- it just said pregnant...I didn't cry, I didn't scream...nothing like I thought I would---I stood there lost in time staring at the word I've longed to see... 'Pregnant'...

I went out to show Zach, both of us were so shocked...very cautious to be too happy, but very hopeful that our dreams were finally coming true. As the days pasted my test kept getting darker and darker...I was getting more and more hopeful---I've never in my life seen a positive pregnancy test, more less several in a row; was this really happening? Were we finally going to be parents?

Thursday the day before my beta I woke up and tested just like I've been doing, I finally found the confidences to not stand over it anymore and wait for the line to pop up, so I went about my morning duties and checked back in on it in about 10 minutes...it was extremely light--almost negative--my stomach sank. There is no way this is true, I just had a dark positive the night before--as much as I wanted to believe the test was faulty, my instinct told me it wasn't. Something deep down told me something was wrong, at lunch I rushed home and took 2 test, a regular one and a digital--I prayed for it to pop up pregnant, I begged & pleaded to God that the morning test was just wrong, but it had that ugly word 'not' in front of it---my heart broke and I lost it. How could this be happening. Why is this happening.

I tried to remain as positive as I could knowing that God is the only one in control--and anything could happen; but with that said I also was realistic knowing that my chances were slim to none...Friday morning I took another test---praying for things to be different---but once again it was negative...so off I went to get my blood work and wait for the dreaded call confirming my nightmare.

 It's awful knowing that your losing the best things that ever happened to you; it hurts more than anything in the world. I am beyond hurt. I just don't understand why this happened the way it did. I knew this would hurt....but I never knew it would hurt this bad!!

If I didn't test leading up to things would it hurt this bad? Probably not....but I am sooo thankful I did. Because for one week, although we were very cautious to be happy--we had hope. I've never seen a positive and although it didn't end the way I wanted it to I am thankful for those times, the fulfillment in my heart when seeing 2 pink lines, and the word pregnant...it's the most amazing feeling. 

I still don't understand things--but I have Faith, I will hurt for a while--but will remain hopeful that our Lord has a special plan in store for us. 'When God sends us on strong, bumpy paths-he provides us with strong shoes'

Life will go on....

18 comments:

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

So sorry! The same thing happened with our 4th IVF...we had a positive...then I kept testing before the ultrasound and then one day it said negative. We were beyond heartbroken. Through the pain...we tried again. The 5th and final IVF...we have our miracle! Stay strong and remain hopeful. God will provide!!!

waiting said...

So sorry for your sadness! God will bring you through it! It's the getting through that is the hard part! I will continually pray for you and your husband! Never give up your hope! God provides us with miracles every day:) I will be praying for you to rise up out of this disappointment stronger than ever! May God give you the peace that passes all understanding.

Emily said...

At least you saw progress, like you said, you were pregnant for a week... I really hope you will be able to give IVF another shot...I'm so proud of you for having a positive attitude; you are so strong!

amy said...

I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss! Words are never enough! Your God is big and He will fulfill your hearts desires in some way. I'm praying for you!!

Ashley said...

Your in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Kelly Watson said...

I know that there is nothing that anyone can say to take away the pain, but please know that I am praying for you and Zach.

Alicia Nelson said...

Your strength is beautiful! I am glad you tested too, and I hope it gives your dr a little more info to work with. I believe God provided this opportunity to you and you will have another opportunity. I was once told (maybe it was by you on your blog??) that God wouldn't give you such a strong desire to be a parent if He didn't have a plan for you.

Rachel said...

(((hugs)))

You are in my prayers...

Rosie said...

It pains me to see you have to go through all of this. I know that you were really looking forward to a better outcome. I know it was nice to be able to experience just for a moment what a positive pregnancy test felt like. You are seriously the strongest woman I've ever known, and I know you will get through this. Don't give up. You are destined to be a mommy, and deserve to be more than anything.
Love you friend!

Laura said...

My heart breaks for you, but your positivity in such a hard time is so inspiring. It makes me strive to be better and praise God more for the things I have. And yes, he DOES have an amazing plan for you guys. Thinking and praying for you and your husband.

Ape said...

I really really hate that you and z had to go through this. I know how much joy it brought to yall seeing the 2 pink lines and the positive. Remember what you quoted "dont cry because its over, smile because it happened"! <3 yall

Megan said...

I'm so very sorry, Tiffany! I SO wish that that positive had remained and you had your happy ending. You've got such a positive attitude though and such strong faith. I know that this is just another bump in the road for you. (((HUGE HUGS)))

psample said...

Dear Tiffany, I have been following your blog for about 4 months, you are one of my daughters"favorite"blogs, so I thought I'd follow, too! My daughter and husband experienced their first IVF a couple months ago, and theirs, too, failed! It was so devastating, heartbreaking, for all who know and love them. I asked God why, all the time assuring her that God has a plan! I told her this would just make it ALL THE SWEETER WHEN THE TESTS COME BACK POSITIVE!!!! We are all in this Infertility nightmare together. You are such strong women, and what wonderful Mothers you WILL be, GOD DOES HAVE A PLAN, we just have to be patient, and wait for that plan to unfold. Praying for you, my dear, may each day become easier, and the pathway clearer!

Heather said...

I am so sorry honey! I know this pain all to well and I am so glad I have found all the other women on this blogger commmunity who understand- who REALLY understand!!! I know God has a big plan for you guys- I cant wait to see it. But I know thats of no comfort to you now.

I have a question for you. Are all talbot's closing on July 24th? I love that store and spend way too much money in there.

If you dont want to reply publiclly, can you send me an email provately at heathermarsden117@gmail.com

Thank sweetie- and I am praying for your heart to not hurt so bad!

-Heather
sweetnessandme.blogspot.com

Holly said...

My thoughts and prayer are with you and I'm praying that God will bring you our perious little one. My heart breaks for you and your family.
-Holly

Ms. Agora said...

Dear tiff, god has a plan for you and he has already used you for him through this blog. We r all routing for you and praying for you. You r very determined and strong and you will get to your goal soon!

Twinkletoes said...

I am so sorry.

Missy and Kaden said...

I stumbled across your blog today and I read this post with tears streaming down my face. I know the pain of inferility. I know the pain of a loss and with that pain, I know the joy that came with thinking the very thing you had prayed for for so long was finally coming true. In the midst of our infertility struggle, I had a miracle pregnancy only to have a miscarriage two weeks after finding out. We then proceeded with IVF so I know all about those shots and bruises and hormones. Keep trusting in Him! He has plans for you and He will fulfill the desires of your heart in His perfect time and His perfect way! Praying for you!


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