We have gone through alot in these 5 years; especially within the past few weeks...endless amount of shots, bruises & knots that now linger, bloating and hot flashes galore, crazy emotions, and just an overall outer body experience--and as crazy as it sounds I don't regret any of the pain that we/I went through...this was by far the hardest yet most rewarding journey I've ever been through--I've cried more within the past few weeks (and days) than I have within the last 5 years...I know the tears are not over yet; they may come and go periodically throughout the days, but eventually they will fade away.
What no one knows, is I started testing around 7 days past transfer. I really debated if I wanted to or not--I had one test in my cabinet and decided I will just take it to see what it says, to my complete shock it was positive...after work I went to the store and bought 2 more boxes....I decided I would just test a couple more to see if my lines get darker or lighter---they kept getting darker; I was beyond shocked and was in major denial! I caved and tested with a digital, I remember thinking to myself just pop up 'not pregnant' as the hourglass went around forever...I sat it down, brushed my teeth and looked back...the 'not' that's always been in front was not there--- it just said pregnant...I didn't cry, I didn't scream...nothing like I thought I would---I stood there lost in time staring at the word I've longed to see... 'Pregnant'...
I went out to show Zach, both of us were so shocked...very cautious to be too happy, but very hopeful that our dreams were finally coming true. As the days pasted my test kept getting darker and darker...I was getting more and more hopeful---I've never in my life seen a positive pregnancy test, more less several in a row; was this really happening? Were we finally going to be parents?
Thursday the day before my beta I woke up and tested just like I've been doing, I finally found the confidences to not stand over it anymore and wait for the line to pop up, so I went about my morning duties and checked back in on it in about 10 minutes...it was extremely light--almost negative--my stomach sank. There is no way this is true, I just had a dark positive the night before--as much as I wanted to believe the test was faulty, my instinct told me it wasn't. Something deep down told me something was wrong, at lunch I rushed home and took 2 test, a regular one and a digital--I prayed for it to pop up pregnant, I begged & pleaded to God that the morning test was just wrong, but it had that ugly word 'not' in front of it---my heart broke and I lost it. How could this be happening. Why is this happening.
I tried to remain as positive as I could knowing that God is the only one in control--and anything could happen; but with that said I also was realistic knowing that my chances were slim to none...Friday morning I took another test---praying for things to be different---but once again it was negative...so off I went to get my blood work and wait for the dreaded call confirming my nightmare.
It's awful knowing that your losing the best things that ever happened to you; it hurts more than anything in the world. I am beyond hurt. I just don't understand why this happened the way it did. I knew this would hurt....but I never knew it would hurt this bad!!
If I didn't test leading up to things would it hurt this bad? Probably not....but I am sooo thankful I did. Because for one week, although we were very cautious to be happy--we had hope. I've never seen a positive and although it didn't end the way I wanted it to I am thankful for those times, the fulfillment in my heart when seeing 2 pink lines, and the word pregnant...it's the most amazing feeling.
I still don't understand things--but I have Faith, I will hurt for a while--but will remain hopeful that our Lord has a special plan in store for us. 'When God sends us on strong, bumpy paths-he provides us with strong shoes'
Life will go on....