Friday, June 24, 2011

Looking In

"There is a beautiful chateau in the middle of the woods.  As I approach it, I am smiling.  I can see the warm glow from within.  There’s a chill in the air and it is starting to rain, so the comforting glow is more than a little inviting.  I am drawn to the chateau.  Its magical and charming.  Maybe this time I’ll be allowed inside.  I feel the chill in the air deepen and there’s a familiar voice in my head telling me to turn around, that its not worth it.  But, if I don’t try to enter, I will never know what awaits for me inside.  Don’t misunderstand; I have seen what awaits me. It is glorious.   But, for some reason I am not allowed to enter.  I have looked through the glass and what I have seen keeps me coming back for just one more try. 

There have even been times when I have found what I thought must be the key.  I usually stumble upon these keys after I have been searching for quite some time.  Just when I think that all hope is lost, a key will appear.  I think, “This is it!  This MUST be it!”  I usually run as quickly as I can to the chateau.  I have been waiting to enter for quite some time, for years in fact.  I run right up to the front door, I insert the key, my heart is so full of joy and hope that I feel as though it could pound right out of my chest.  ”This is it!”  I attempt to turn the key, but there is nothing.  Not a click left or right.  Nothing.

I sit down on the little bench outside of the window and I look in.  In these moments, when I was so close, when I’ve allowed myself to believe,  I feel most alone.  The rain is picking up and I am glad.  This way, they won’t see my tears.  I can see most of the women I know inside.  They are all there.  My best friends, my beloved family members, my colleagues, my neighbors, they are all inside.  I can watch them enjoy the warmth.  I am happy that they get to experience it, of course I am.  If I were jealous, that would be ugly of me, and I am not an ugly person.  I can observe the glow from afar but, for some reason, I have not been  granted entry.  I put my hand to the window as I sit and watch, all alone, tears rolling down my cheeks being met by raindrops.  ”Why am I not allowed inside?” I don’t understand.

Clearly they want me to enter.  Some of them come to the window and put their hands to mine, but we can’t really touch. For I am outside and they are in.   I see others holding back the tears in their eyes, trying to be strong for me.    And then, there are those who would trade places with me in heartbeat if they could.  But they cannot.  I am on the outside looking in.  I want to scream, to pound on the window and shake the door, but I can’t.  I just don’t have it in me.  My shoulders slump and I shake and sob.  For some unknown reason, I am not permitted to come inside, to experience what seems to be their given right.  It has become apart of who they are.  It is part of what defines them as women, yet I am forced to sit, and watch, and wonder, and wait.  Alone."

(I found this while searching the internet the other day; felt like it described infertility to a 'T', explaining what it's like for any women waiting to become a mother--kudos to the amazing person who wrote this)


Amber said...

Wow Tiff this made me cry, I want you to know I pray for you and Zach every day. God will bless yall!
I love you!

Anonymous said...

Lifting you up in prayer today Tiffany! (Amber)

Samantha said...

I met you once over three years ago on when we were both "TTC". I just wanted you to know that I still follow your blog and that y'all are always in my prayers!

Charla (SHar-la) said...

Is that from The Shack? It sounds so familiar? Regardless, it is beautiful and you're right, it exactly describes infertility.

Elaine said...

Just dropping in to let you know that you are being thought of and prayed for in this exact moment, Sweet Friend.

Brittany said...

Found your blog today and I want to know that I said a prayer for you. We haven't walked the same path, but I did get a glimpse of the pain of looking through that window after suffering 2 miscarriages. When I was reading your post, I began to cry, as it does explain it perfectly. My experience would be that I found the key, was allowed inside for just a short time, but then had to leave all my friends, family, neighbors behind and be locked outside again.
Thank you for sharing. Praying that you and your husband hold tight to each other and to the Lord during these days, and I pray that you will soon (no matter how) have a little one in your arms soon.

Jessica said...

Just found your blog today and I'm so sorry to hear of the struggles you have been facing. This post so perfectly describes what it feels like to not be a part of the "mom club". My husband and I have been trying for 3 years and have had 2 failed IUI's and a horrible experience with our RE's office. I don't even know what it feels like to see a positive pregnancy test - we've had 3 years of NOTHING. I do think about adoption sometimes, but I also would love to experience pregnancy and to know if my baby would have my eyes or my husband's nose, etc. I'll say a prayer for you & your husband - just know that there's one more person out here who is thinking of y'all!

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