Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Remembering...

As painful as it is, I want to remember everything.

From the shots, to the retrieval, to the transfer...

I love looking at pictures, reminiscing about the happiness that flowed through our hearts (even if it brings some tears)...

I don't want to forget anything. Because truth be known I'm scared we won't be able to do this again. I'm scared we won't see another IVF or even another positive pregnancy test. Maybe it's me being a little protective of my heart, call it being negative if you want--I'm just terrified of the unknown.

IVF is far from pleasant, it was such a hard journey--but I miss it! I want to do another one-NOW, I want another opportunity to have our miracle baby-NOW...I'm scared we won't get that. I'm terrified actually. 

I have faith in God's plan, always have and I always will...but I wouldn't be human if I wasn't scared of the unknown; and I surely wouldn't be normal if I wasn't sad about it not happening any time soon.

::Sigh:: I guess I'm just left remembering...

7 comments:

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

So sad for you but sending hope..

Myheart'sdelight said...

Maybe Gods plan is for you to adopt to become a mother. It seems like you insist on getting pregnant you just failed at IVF and you are already saying you wish you could start another cycle now and not have to wait. There are other options out there for infertile women to become a mothers.

Veronique said...

I can`t imagine how hard this must be. No one (unless they`re struggled with infertility) can really understand how difficult this must be.

I love knowing you trust in God though. When I go through rough patches in life, he`s the one I rely on the most.

God bless!!

VĂ©ronique
http://www.lifeasaluce.blogspot.com/

Amanda said...

I hope I'm taking "Myheart'sdelight" comment wrong but it sounded snarky. Every infertile woman's desire it to become pregnant. I'm sure once they recover from the pain they are feeling, they will weigh out all their other options.

Tiffany, I have just felt so connected to you through this and I want to help in some way. Has anyone thought of doing some sort of fundraiser to raise the money for a 2nd round? If so and you have details, please email me. My email is amandakines@hotmail.com

I'm praying for you daily.

kdactyl said...

I also took Myheart'sdelight comment as just a little snippy. As someone who has been in Tiffany's place ( a miscarrieage, 3 failed IUIs and a failed IVF and not sure it would ever work for us)...there is a lot more to letting go of the dream of a biological child than just TTC without success and some failed fertility cycles...it takes many people many years to mourn the loss of that dream...I know adoption is awesome...I have an adopted daughter and I KNOW she is the child God meant for me to have....but if someone would have said to me earlier in our fertility journey..."just adopt"...I may have torn their head off. Adopting can be more risky and more expensive than several IF treatments and although it is wondeful, it is not for everyone and usually is part of a journey. For us, we pursued IVF until we got that biological child (and drained our savings) and then when we wanted a 2nd child, our chances were too low but we realized our family was incomplete and we were not willing to settle ... so we came to a place where adoption was a better option for us and the time was right and our hearts were open to it....but it didn't happen overnight. Our adopted child is the light in our family...she completes us, fits right in and is loved no differently than our son...
TIffany...I know it is hard to be in this place, hold on to your memories of your cycle and work toward your next step...it may take awhile but just keep moving forward and I know God's plan for you will be revealed. It may be another round of IVF, it may be your heart opening to adoption or it may be a miracle all in its own. I know these days are hard...but I love that you keep your faith strong...it will get you through.

Hugs.
kd

Proud Parents of Halainah Grace said...

Tiffany,
I have followed your journey for a long time and have been praying for you especially during this round of IVF.
My husband and I went through 3 rounds of IVF...all 3 failed. We too have pictures of our first "beans" and we were so optimistic that it was going to work. When it didn't we were devastated. I felt that pain all over again with you when I read your post.
We are currently adopting our second daughter from China. We should travel in August. Both of my daughters were meant to be ours and it was written in our book by the Lord way before I even had the urge to adopt.
I can't tell you when we knew for certain that adoption was for us...but one day the Lord spoke to us...and we just knew we had to obey.
But I never gave up the dream to actually carry a child. I still feel that pain that it may never happen. But I also feel pain that I may never adopt a third child due to finances.
You will realize one day soon what is written in your book. Maybe it's adoption...maybe it's a biological child...maybe it's both. But God hears all prayers and yours will be answered...that I am certain...you will be a Mom.
My prayers will be with you during this most difficult journey,
Deanna

Summer Athena said...

Hi Tiffany. It's me, Summer. I am still waiting for my miracle too. I am so sorry that IVF failed you and I am here if you need to chat. Much love.


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