I feel like this is deja vu--I've had these feelings many of times; and especially lately.
Maybe it's me? Maybe I am just supposed to assume that my friends and family will still pop in every so often to check on me...maybe it's my fault and I am being selfish. Maybe I should be completely over things and not be sad every now and then...maybe I'm being to emotional?!
I just feel alone at times (until I open up blogger and see so many blogger friends in my same situation). I feel like my family and friends only stand by my side during the exciting times-such as going through the actual cycles--but right now when I am struggling on certain days they are no where to be found. At times I pick up the phone to call my family or friends just to hear a voice hoping they might say 'were still thinking of you'...but I hang up before hitting send because I want oh so bad for there call to be on there behalf-not mine.
Sometimes I feel like screaming off the rooftops 'I STILL NEED YOU' but then if they all come running it won't be the same as if they came on there own...
And then I go back to blaming myself for being selfish again--should I still need them? Why is this so hard? Maybe it's all me? Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I could pop straight into another cycle...but I can't. Instead I'm left reminiscing about our failed cycle--I don't know where I would be in that cycle, so often I wonder and try to figure it out, but stop myself because I don't want to know. At times I want to forget like everyone else has seemed to do, but I can't.
I have never been one to hide my feelings inside--esp. from my close friends and family! But here lately I have been--I feel so alone, and like I am supposed to be 100% ok now...some of my own CLOSE family hasn't called me in weeks--my heart is sad and I honestly just want it to smile ALL day again.
Sorry for the Debbie Downer post--please don't think I am 'depressed' I do live a happy life, and I am so blessed for my husband who continues to put a huge smile on my face every day--but it hurts when your close family and friends have seemed to have forgotten about you--and again, maybe it's my fault for not being over things yet?!
::SIGH::
11 comments:
Bless your heart! I think about you often. I read all of your blog posts. I've been on the other end before and I have to say that your family and friends probably feel so sad for what you've gone through that they don't know what to say and so they choose not to say anything. It may not be the correct reaction, but it may be all they know to do. They also may think that you don't want to talk about it. I bet you stay on their minds and hearts. I have myself been in that position where I just simply didn't know what to say, but I was silently grieving for my friend or family member. I grieved hard for them, but still didn't know how to talk to them about it for fear of upsetting them more. I hope that this helps in some way!!
I'm so sorry. You are entitled to feel "down" as long as you want. I, too, feel like I have to defend myself and say "I'm not depressed, I just feel sad"...and that's totally OK.
This is a verrry hard situation to deal with, something out of our control...which is even harder. As far as family goes, it's like you don't want them to constantly feel sorry for you, but it's nice to know that they still remember that you struggle EVERYDAY. I have some friends and family that want me to just pick up the pieces every failed cycle, suck it up and just be happy...they have no idea. I'm sorry that your family isn't being more supportive, that just makes the pain even harder to deal with :(
Luckily you, like myself, find the comfort in knowing that we don't take one step of this journey without the Lord by our side, giving us strength and renewed hope...that will get you through, and your husband (and us of course:) )
Still praying for you!!
I don't remember how I ran across your blog but I've been reading for a while now. I can tottally sympathize with your feelings. I suffered a miscarriage exactly one year ago tomorrow and while I have continued to grieve it seems as if everyone else has forgotten; my husband doesn't even seem to be bothered any more by it. Add on top that I'm still not pregnant yet and it hurts even more. All I know to do is pray, pray, pray and lean on Him!
Tiffany- I know exactly how you feel. I think friends/family outside of the infertility community don't realize how the pain resonates within us day after day. That it doesn't just wear off over time. Sometimes I feel like the only people I can really turn to is my blogging friends and the friends I have met in my support group. Outside of them, no one really understands how hard this is. We seem to be on the same page right now as I just made a "Debbie Downer" post yesterday. Thinking of you and wishing I could give you a real life big hug. xoxo
I feel the same way! My family doesn't ask me how I am doing. My mom still thinks I am young so she's not even happy about me taking treatment. My husbands family is the only one that asks me how I am doing etc. & that is ever so often. I really don't have any besides my husband. Friends sometimes but they just don't understand. I wrote a post about your "support system" while TTC. Very similar to this post. So I understand!
Your feelings are totally allowed and completely normal. I am sure I would have felt the exact same way if we weren't able to jump into another cycle right away. Praying for you!
I dont think people whom haven't gone through IF understand what it is like or can even imagine. I sometimes feel even infertiles can forget what it is like once they get their BFP and move on.
I am sorry you are feeling alone but know this is a normal feeling and that we are here if you need us!
(Hugs) What you are feeling is completely normal. Infertility is a horrible up and down roller coaster where things are constantly thrown at you that knock you off your feet. For other's that haven't been through it themselves, it is hard from them to relate and they probably are unsure of how best to communicate that. Hang in there, wishing you all the best=)
You are always in my thoughts...
We just lost our little Eleanna. I was so hoping that we would be pregnant together. Now it seems that were are both left to be broken heart-ed...
Please know that God has not left you and that your friends and family have not either. They may just not know what to say or do for you right now. Know that if you call on them that they would be so glad you did...
(((hugs)))
I have been following you for quite sometime; though I have never figured out how to "follow" you because the button does not seem to work for me.
Anyway, it seems we have been through very similar experiences and if you ever want to compare notes or just vent, I am here.
This might be weird and if it is I'm sorry but sometimes I just like to talk with people who don't have to imagine what it is like but actually know..
I recently started following your blog and I just wanted to stop by and say - I feel the exact same way. I felt like you were communicating my inner feelings as I read this post.
It takes a lot of energy to gather the guts to get through hard times like these when you feel so lonely and helpless. Take care and know that there are "strangers" like me thinking about you and wishing you well.
http://stargazerdreamer.blogspot.com/
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