Last night I went into a daze,
have you ever done that? Where you can't help but think about everything in your life?
For example, I think and pray about having a child
everyday...however the dream of me becoming a mother and making my husband a father is in
Gods hands, and his hands
alone, so being
realistic I can't help
but think that being a mother may
not be my destiny. Although my heart desires it, it may not be in the plans that God created for my husband and I...
While thinking about these things I can't help but wonder will my husband still love me if I am unable to provide him a son or daughter?
Although in my heart I know he will as he is my biggest support system and my rock that keeps me strong, I can't help but think these things at times?
Will my family be disappointed in me if I can't make them grandparents? I know they will love me no matter what, but it's so hard
'not' to wonder things like these....
Although my husband and I share this infertility
'problem', at times I feel like it's solely me who is
'broken'...I feel incomplete as a women...my heart aches for a child so very bad, especially on nights like last night. As I sat down and went through my facebook and blogger to catch up on my friends, I couldn't help but stare with tears in my eyes at there family pictures with their precious babies in them...
don't get me wrong--I am
extremely overjoyed and happy for each one of my friends, I just wish I could
join in on the family pictures...I would give anything to have a child to take a million and one pictures of...
As all know, the only
'children' in my life right now are my little 4 legged fur babies and I often wonder will they be the only children I have in my life? I love them so much, but they can't begin to fill this hole in my heart that aches for a child of our own....
So many deep thoughts and so much heartache, but yet so much happiness too...our life has been far from 'normal'
(but whose is?)!!
I
don't want a pitty party, this is the path in my life where I am
supposed to be and I have
accepted this, I just often catch myself 'wondering' about how things will end up...will we finally be blessed with our miracle child, or will be continue to struggle with this for years to come??
I trust in God, my faith in Him has not dwindled away, it never will! I still believe that God placed us on this journey for a reason, and I
do not doubt him...I can see how much infertility has changed Zach and I for the
better; so although this journey has been a painful ride--it's been a
blessing as well...
I just don't want to be on this ride forever...Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.