Poppee went to Heaven this morning. When Zach got the call this morning, I could hear the hurt in his voice. Poppee was a wonderful man, and he will be missed dearly. We have one more guardian angel watching over us now.
Originally we were not going to be able to go to PA for the funeral, however we are going now. I believe this is something important that Zach needs to attend…not only for himself but for his family.
So we leave tonight to drive to PA. I am trying so hard to get all the arrangements made and everything taken care of; my mind is in a million and one places right now. This will be a hard trip for Zach and a hard couple days for his family, please keep them in your prayers…and please pray that I can remain strong for him as well as them.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Break till' 2010
My Dr. called me yesterday—he knew I wasn’t going to go back to back as it was too much money…however he wanted to discuss the ‘what’s next’ when we are able to come back.
Well back in the very beginning he said that he wanted to do 1 IUI/Injections before going to IVF…however during one of my first follicle scans he mentioned that I was looking good and he felt if this one didn’t work he could do 2 more…so at one point we thought IVF was next and another time we thought IUI was next, however to be completely honest we didn’t think of ‘what’s next’, we only concentrated on the day we were on…
So he called and told me that given the fact he watched me very closely for a cycle, he knows how my body works and how it reacts to injections…he knows how my ovaries look and when I ovulate and so forth---he said I am the perfect candidate for IVF. (heart sinks a little)… “really IVF” I said… he said it’s safer, the success rate is higher, and you can never have ‘too’ many follicles unlike IUI. He explained the in and outs to me and I do admit, he is right. Due to my body producing so many follicles and this past cycle almost being canceled, he thinks we will be ‘border line’ on all my IUI cycles—meaning most might end in cancelation or like this past cycle were they almost get canceled due to too many follicles.
So he said, he wants to do IVF next. So why is my heart sinking?? Because it’s so expensive and my insurance doesn’t cover a dime. I have no idea how we are going to do this. They are sending me a pamphlet with all the cost and information that I will need so we can figure everything out....
Unless a miracle happens, we will not be trying again until next year sometime (...bummer) due to the cost of IVF. We will have to save longer now; I do believe and trust my Dr. when he stated this is the best option for us. I am sad that we won’t be able to try for quite some time now, this whole year has mostly been a break due to the start of a fertility clinic…I feel like we just started with the process—now we have to step back for months...I feel like our future child keeps getting pushed farther and farther away.
I do believe in miracles, I hear of them happening daily…so I do believe that if it’s God’s time something could happen before then, and that is what I am praying for. I am praying for a miracle from God. I say it all the time, but he has a special plan for us. I truly believe that, he will not put us through anything we can’t handle.
So whats next....we will keep on praying and keep on going down this journey knowing that with God we will be ok :) ‘I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13’
((Thanks for the prayers for Poppee—please continue to say prayers for Poppee and his family, I will keep you updated.))
Well back in the very beginning he said that he wanted to do 1 IUI/Injections before going to IVF…however during one of my first follicle scans he mentioned that I was looking good and he felt if this one didn’t work he could do 2 more…so at one point we thought IVF was next and another time we thought IUI was next, however to be completely honest we didn’t think of ‘what’s next’, we only concentrated on the day we were on…
So he called and told me that given the fact he watched me very closely for a cycle, he knows how my body works and how it reacts to injections…he knows how my ovaries look and when I ovulate and so forth---he said I am the perfect candidate for IVF. (heart sinks a little)… “really IVF” I said… he said it’s safer, the success rate is higher, and you can never have ‘too’ many follicles unlike IUI. He explained the in and outs to me and I do admit, he is right. Due to my body producing so many follicles and this past cycle almost being canceled, he thinks we will be ‘border line’ on all my IUI cycles—meaning most might end in cancelation or like this past cycle were they almost get canceled due to too many follicles.
So he said, he wants to do IVF next. So why is my heart sinking?? Because it’s so expensive and my insurance doesn’t cover a dime. I have no idea how we are going to do this. They are sending me a pamphlet with all the cost and information that I will need so we can figure everything out....
Unless a miracle happens, we will not be trying again until next year sometime (...bummer) due to the cost of IVF. We will have to save longer now; I do believe and trust my Dr. when he stated this is the best option for us. I am sad that we won’t be able to try for quite some time now, this whole year has mostly been a break due to the start of a fertility clinic…I feel like we just started with the process—now we have to step back for months...I feel like our future child keeps getting pushed farther and farther away.
I do believe in miracles, I hear of them happening daily…so I do believe that if it’s God’s time something could happen before then, and that is what I am praying for. I am praying for a miracle from God. I say it all the time, but he has a special plan for us. I truly believe that, he will not put us through anything we can’t handle.
So whats next....we will keep on praying and keep on going down this journey knowing that with God we will be ok :) ‘I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13’
((Thanks for the prayers for Poppee—please continue to say prayers for Poppee and his family, I will keep you updated.))
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Pifer Life
Count Down With The Pifers
No countdowns at the moment...although it's getting closer to October which means I will get to decorate for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas pretty soon (yeaa!!) :)
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Family Updates
Zach- his knee is great, but please pray for strength throughout the next couple weeks as it's hard on him not being near Poppee during his last days.
Poppee- he is coherent and not in any pain--Please pray his last days are peaceful and comfortable.
Me-I am doing alright! Alot better than Friday--this by far was one of the hardest cycles ever. We invested so much into this cycle, time, emotions, money, and lots of faith...I know and trust that God has his reasonings-but this one was def. a hard one. God has given me the strength to overcome this difficult time and for that I am thankful.
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News
I want to take this time and tell each one of you "THANK YOU"...thank you all for the sweet emails, cards, comments, calls, texts and most importantly prayers. Your support means more than you will ever know!!!
We will not be going forth with another cycle right now. Not because we don't want to, but because it's too expensive to go back to back. It's very hard on us knowing that we won't be able to try again for a little while. We will not be going on a complete "break", as we will continue to try naturally and pray that God blesses us with a true miracle...in the mean time we will be saving and hopefully in a few months we will be able to start this process again.
For those who have asked me to please test just to make sure---I have and with no surprise to me it's a negative. Again, we are ok with this...are hearts our saddened that this wasn't God's time...however he has his reasoning's and we trust in him.
I apologize...I still have purple pictures that I need to add, I am so sorry I have yet to add them--I will do so this week.
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Big events over the weekend…
Our weekend consisted in a whole lot of nothing :)
Here is a fast rundown of what we did over the weekend...
It started in tears...and ended in tears!
I cried until my eyes were swollen beyond belief...Zach made me wear this lovely little eye mask thing then tried to make me laugh my calling me a "super hero" (he succeed!)...curling up on the couch...crying some more, but laughing while crying as I wanted to stop but I couldn't and my sweet husband was trying everything possible to make me stop crying...waking up to cinnimon rolls in the oven...laying around the house...heading to the mall to grab a few things only to remember that it was tax free weekend and everyone else decided to go up there...off to eat on the patio of Don Carlos...head to Hollywood Video to rent movies (all my choices-- :) I never get to pick all of the movies!!), home to watch them...curled up again on the couch-yet this time with all three dogs...pass out, wake up...chased each other around the house (literally)...danced in the kitchen (just because)...head to church (spoke straight to me!)...off to eat breakfast, then vist my mom--came home...washed clothes...layed around...had to run to Lowes...got a cherry cheesecake snowcone (so good!)...came home and watched my husband kill about 50 yellow jackets (laughing my rear off, while looking at the backdoor to see him running around in circles spraying the air...)...ate dinner...washed more clothes...set at my computer while Zach did "man work"...got tickled till I was red in the face...soaked in the tub...watched Big Brother (because it's a sin to miss an eposode...ok so I am just that addicted to it!)...sat around and made fun of each other (thats love!) ....and laughed until we cried!
My husband is amazing and I am so thankful for him. This news was just as hard on him as it was me (not to mention the hurt he has in his heart about his Poppee), yet he bent over backwards to do everything possible to make me smile this weekend. So although I am not blessed with a baby this cycle, I was reminded just how much I love my husband and how blessed I am that he loves me! Zach--if your reading this I want you to know that you mean the world to me and I am so thankful to have you in my life! Thank you for being everything I've ever needed and wanted. You definatly are my sunshine on a rainy day! :)
Friday, August 21, 2009
The road must go on....
It’s very hard to put this into words. As I am sitting here, I know what I want to type-however…I can’t find the words to say it.
God had other plans for us this cycle. I know that we will be parents one day, somehow…someway. However it doesn’t appear this will be “our” month. I was scheduled to go to the Dr. for beta blood work next Tuesday, unless I started my cycle before then. Well...needless to say, I will not have to go in for blood work next week…
I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing right now…not sure if I am sad…or mad…or what? To be all honest I feel emotionless, I feel numb…dazed and just plan ‘blah’.
I started spotting last night, I had my share of tears then…but I remained hopeful, I kept on praying… “Please God let this just be implantation bleeding”… although like I told friends, being realistic I knew in my gut it was not. Have you ever been so scared to go to the restroom? Scared to see if you can go on having hope or if your dreams are crushed for that month? I have! I was terrified. Every time I had to potty I got this horrible pit in my stomach and my eyes filled with tears…I would sit down and just pray, “Please God…Please God…Please God…” I would just repeat that over and over again. (Surely if I said it enough he would listen, right?)…
However God had other plans. I trust in him. I have faith in him. Although I will most defiantly have my moments of sadness, my moments of anger, and my moments of tears…I will remain faithful to him. I will keep reminding myself that this wasn’t HIS time. He has other plans in store for us, plans of his own…not ours. God doesn’t do things to punish us; he does things to make us stronger and to mold us into a better Christian. So, as this is another bump in our road it is not the end…we will keep on going forward with our chin held up by God and our fears in his hands knowing that one day he will lead us to our child.
Thank you for the prayers for Poppee, please keep them coming for him and Zach’s family.
God had other plans for us this cycle. I know that we will be parents one day, somehow…someway. However it doesn’t appear this will be “our” month. I was scheduled to go to the Dr. for beta blood work next Tuesday, unless I started my cycle before then. Well...needless to say, I will not have to go in for blood work next week…
I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing right now…not sure if I am sad…or mad…or what? To be all honest I feel emotionless, I feel numb…dazed and just plan ‘blah’.
I started spotting last night, I had my share of tears then…but I remained hopeful, I kept on praying… “Please God let this just be implantation bleeding”… although like I told friends, being realistic I knew in my gut it was not. Have you ever been so scared to go to the restroom? Scared to see if you can go on having hope or if your dreams are crushed for that month? I have! I was terrified. Every time I had to potty I got this horrible pit in my stomach and my eyes filled with tears…I would sit down and just pray, “Please God…Please God…Please God…” I would just repeat that over and over again. (Surely if I said it enough he would listen, right?)…
However God had other plans. I trust in him. I have faith in him. Although I will most defiantly have my moments of sadness, my moments of anger, and my moments of tears…I will remain faithful to him. I will keep reminding myself that this wasn’t HIS time. He has other plans in store for us, plans of his own…not ours. God doesn’t do things to punish us; he does things to make us stronger and to mold us into a better Christian. So, as this is another bump in our road it is not the end…we will keep on going forward with our chin held up by God and our fears in his hands knowing that one day he will lead us to our child.
Thank you for the prayers for Poppee, please keep them coming for him and Zach’s family.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Needing Prayers for Poppee
As some know, Poppee (Zach’s grandfather), hasn’t been doing the greatest throughout the past few months. Zach and I even flew short noticed back in April when we were told he didn’t have much longer. However he pulled through and proved us all wrong. He was not ready to go home.
However it’s looking as though he will be going home shortly. He has yellow jaundice and his kidneys and liver are not doing too well. He recently told Zach’s mom that he is ready to see Mommoe (his wife whom passed away when Zach was little). They have been told it’s only a matter of time. My sister in law asked if he would make it until Saturday and she was told that he might not.
We all know that this is something Poppee wants, going ‘home’ that is. He is ready to see his wife and we know this will mean he will be pain free and happy again. However, it’s never easy to lose a loved one…esp. one that is so far away. It’s hard for Zach because his family lives in PA, while were way down in TX.
Sometimes I take advantage of the fact I live so close to mine, they are pretty much all right down the road incase anything happens to anyone of them…his family on the other hand all lives in PA (except for his brother whom just moved back to TX). I lost my grandfather almost 5 years ago, I can’t phantom not being by his side every moment that I could; however Zachary can’t be by his side right now. Although Zach appears to be taking this news somewhat ok, I know he is devastated that he can’t be there for Poppee--I know he is just trying to protect me from stressing (as well as my sweet sister in law who was hesitant to give me this news).
Please keep Zach’s family in your prayers right now. His family knows this is the best thing, but there will be weak moments that come with there strong moments-so please pray that God keeps them all strong throughout this. If you could also pray for Poppee I would appreciate it. I want him to be comfortable when God calls him home.
However it’s looking as though he will be going home shortly. He has yellow jaundice and his kidneys and liver are not doing too well. He recently told Zach’s mom that he is ready to see Mommoe (his wife whom passed away when Zach was little). They have been told it’s only a matter of time. My sister in law asked if he would make it until Saturday and she was told that he might not.
We all know that this is something Poppee wants, going ‘home’ that is. He is ready to see his wife and we know this will mean he will be pain free and happy again. However, it’s never easy to lose a loved one…esp. one that is so far away. It’s hard for Zach because his family lives in PA, while were way down in TX.
Sometimes I take advantage of the fact I live so close to mine, they are pretty much all right down the road incase anything happens to anyone of them…his family on the other hand all lives in PA (except for his brother whom just moved back to TX). I lost my grandfather almost 5 years ago, I can’t phantom not being by his side every moment that I could; however Zachary can’t be by his side right now. Although Zach appears to be taking this news somewhat ok, I know he is devastated that he can’t be there for Poppee--I know he is just trying to protect me from stressing (as well as my sweet sister in law who was hesitant to give me this news).
Please keep Zach’s family in your prayers right now. His family knows this is the best thing, but there will be weak moments that come with there strong moments-so please pray that God keeps them all strong throughout this. If you could also pray for Poppee I would appreciate it. I want him to be comfortable when God calls him home.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Weekend Pictures
I am forewarning y'all...this is a picture overload post---enjoy! :)
My new "none shaggy-ness" hair
Zach and Avery riding the horses...
Ashley and Haidyn
Ashley, James and Avery...
Me and Haidyn
Me and Ashley!
All Aboard
Me and Zach
A perfect way to end a perfect night (ICE CREAM!!!)
Pifer Life
Count Down With The Pifers
I am not counting down right now…just taking one day at a time :)
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Family Updates
Zach- his therapist said his knee is healing amazing and he should be able to return to normal “sporting” activities, like running, by December.
Me-I am doing great. To be 100% honest I don’t feel as though I am in the ‘two week wait’…normally I am antsy and wishing for these weeks to fly by so I can see what the outcome is…not this time. I am taking one day at a time and enjoying each day to it’s full extent without worrying about the outcome. :)
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News
I still have purple pictures that I need to add, I apologize if you have sent it in and I have yet to put it up, I am working on it—promise!! :)
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Big events over the weekend…
Lets see…Friday Zach and I went to eat at Super Salad with The Heards, then Zach and I came home-watched a movie and crashed early. Saturday we woke up early and cleaned the whole house from top to bottom (fun!!!)...then we meet The Heards at Cheddars for dinner, then off we went to Kiddie Land so there girls (and me of course) could play. This is an old park nearby where we live, it’s very rundown, but very fun for little kids (and big kids too!!)…they had a blast and so did we!! Sunday was our lazy day, we ended up sleeping past our alarm clock for church, but it was very nice to sleep in as we have had appts in Austin the last 3 Sundays…after being completely lazy we woke up-went to eat breakfast then went grocery shopping (bought up the whole store, or so my receipt says so!!), then we headed home to yet again be very lazy! We had a great lazy weekend! I do have pictures, but was too lazy to upload them, so I will try to get those in a separate post this afternoon or tomorrow :)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
"Don't worry about a thing...."
Everyone keeps asking how I feel…to be honest I don’t feel a certain way. I want this more than words can express. I want to be able to tell my husband he is going to be a daddy; however is this the time? Only God knows! I do realize that my other 2 IUI cycles were with Clomid, they were completely different, however I can’t tell you how much hope I had with those. I just ‘knew’ that was going to be it. But it wasn’t! So to be candid I am just taking one day at a time and I am not thinking about the outcome that may come, I do not want to think about it. Yes, partly because I fear I will again get my hopes up, but mostly because I am trying my hardest to let God guide me through this. He is the one in control, not I. So no matter how bad I want this, it won’t happen unless this is his timing. Will it hurt if it’s not his timing, yes. Will I be ok…most defiantly!! God has blessed me with a great life, my good friend Melissa wrote a blog yesterday about stepping back and enjoying your life. You see I’ve never been one to let trying to conceive consume my life, never been one to let it define my husband or I…it’s something very important to me, and I pray for it everyday—but it’s hard not to get wrapped up in it at times. Like Melissa said…You never know what tomorrow holds, we could be gone one day and worrying day in and day out about getting pregnant is not the way we should live our life. We need to step back and enjoy each and every day and praise God for the life he has given us and the blessings we do have in our life.
Do you know that song by Bob Marley, “Don’t worry about a thing…every little thing is going to be alright…” ?? Well Zach loves that song and has been singing it to me everyday (with his lovely non’ singing voice! Ha!!) But the point is, the message is amazing, no amount of worrying or stressing will change the plans he has in store for us. So for the next two weeks, I am going to enjoy every bit of ‘life’ with my husband, family and friends and do my best not to think about what comes after these two weeks…God will guide us where we need to be! He is in Control—and ‘every little thing is going to be alright!!!’
Philippians 4:6 Don’t worry about anything: instead, pray for everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand.
Do you know that song by Bob Marley, “Don’t worry about a thing…every little thing is going to be alright…” ?? Well Zach loves that song and has been singing it to me everyday (with his lovely non’ singing voice! Ha!!) But the point is, the message is amazing, no amount of worrying or stressing will change the plans he has in store for us. So for the next two weeks, I am going to enjoy every bit of ‘life’ with my husband, family and friends and do my best not to think about what comes after these two weeks…God will guide us where we need to be! He is in Control—and ‘every little thing is going to be alright!!!’
Philippians 4:6 Don’t worry about anything: instead, pray for everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Today....
Today, I did not pray for success...
Today, I did not ask for a blessing..
Today I did not ask God why...
Today I did not get excited...nor scared.
Today I simply asked for strength and I asked for faithfulness!
Today, I left everything else up to God!
Today, I did not ask for a blessing..
Today I did not ask God why...
Today I did not get excited...nor scared.
Today I simply asked for strength and I asked for faithfulness!
Today, I left everything else up to God!
Today I went for my 7th follicle scan, I didn't know what the outcome would be...I didn't know if I would be leaving with a canceled cycle, or if I would be leaving with just having an IUI procedure done.
Zach went up to Austin last night to stay with his brother since he had to be in the office at 7am. He had to work today and he and I both knew that he didn't need to wake up at 4:30 to head to Austin when he could just stay there... so, my father and my brother rode with me today, it was extremely nice being able to spend the day with them. We arrived in the office early and as we sat there and watched the fish in front of us I honestly can say I wasn't the slightest bit nervous. Last night I prayed-really hard-I asked God for strength and for tomorrow (today) to hold the blessings of him; whatever they may be.
The lady called me back, my dad and brother said good luck and off I went--the nurse came in and asked if I was nervous or if I was ok...I told her I was fine, I'm leaving the nervousness to God...she said that's the best way to do it! While I sat on that table and waited for my Dr. to come in I prayed. I prayed that God give me strength to accept whatever plan he has in store for us...
The Dr. came in and started the ultrasound...tons of follicle were in my ovaries...(that's what I was hoping to see...) I knew if I didn't see any we were in trouble...however did any release? There were so many in there still...I turned my head and for the first time in my whole trying to conceive journey I did not look at the ultrasound machine, I looked up...I prayed in my head-didn't asked questions and just waited patiently for the results.
Once she was done I sat up, she went over to the counter and was adding a lot of things up...comparing Sunday's measurements with today's...she said "2 released from your left side....none from your right"....my voice cracked "That's good right??....that's what we what???" She said, "well....there are still one or 2 more that look as they can release--but they haven't yet"...my heart was pounding, I didn't know whether to cry because I was happy, sad, angry, or just to cry....I said "so can I have the IUI..." she looked at me with a huge smile and said "Yes...you can; just as long as you know that you could have a possibility of 1 or 2 more follicles dropping..."....with tears streaming down my face I said "yes, I understand...thank you...thank you thank you!"
And before I knew it I was being prepped for an IUI. It happened so fast and I believe I cried and smiled the whole way through it.
I know this will not guarantee I will get pregnant, I've already had 2 IUI's in the past (with Clomid)...neither took...I don't know whats in store for me and my husband, but I do know that this cycle was one of the hardest, craziest, hectic, complicated, and best roller coaster I've ever been on. Zach and I bonded in ways I never though we would have to, I cried in his arms many nights (mostly due to crazy hormones)...I most def. hope and pray this takes and that Zach and I will be on the road to parenthood soon, however whatever God's plan is...I'm ok with; he knows best and I trust him!!
So know we are officially in the wait. I go back in 2 weeks for blood work!! :)
A big thank you to Ashley for keeping everyone updated!! Thank you to everyone for the comments, prayers, texts, support and calls...I had 80 emails when I got home from today's appt...I read each and everyone of them and cried the whole way through. You all are so amazing, so nice and so caring. We are very blessed to have the support from all of y'all...I do have more purple pictures and emails I need to answer back to, I am going to lay down and take it easy, but the pictures will be up soon and I will respond to y'alls emails shortly. Again, Zach and I are very thankful for all of y'alls generosity.
Update on Tiffany's Appt....
SHE GOT THE IUI!!!!!
Holy Moly, this is Ashley and she wanted me to update everyone. She had 2 eggs release and they went ahead and did the procedure. She is not able to stop crying, shaking all bc of her pure joy and excitement!! I started jumping up and down when she wrote me to update! They deserve this so much and thank you so much for all the prayers. She said, to please keep them coming for them pls!!!
She will give you the full version of what happened later on today, but didn't everyone to be in suspense all day!!
Thank you,
Ashley
Holy Moly, this is Ashley and she wanted me to update everyone. She had 2 eggs release and they went ahead and did the procedure. She is not able to stop crying, shaking all bc of her pure joy and excitement!! I started jumping up and down when she wrote me to update! They deserve this so much and thank you so much for all the prayers. She said, to please keep them coming for them pls!!!
She will give you the full version of what happened later on today, but didn't everyone to be in suspense all day!!
Thank you,
Ashley
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Pifer Life
Count Down With The Pifers
1 day till my 7th follicle scan which will determine if I am able to get an IUI or if this cycle is canceled.
1 day till my 7th follicle scan which will determine if I am able to get an IUI or if this cycle is canceled.
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Family Updates
Zach- is now only going to therapy one time every other week!!! His knee is doing amazing!!!
Zach- is now only going to therapy one time every other week!!! His knee is doing amazing!!!
Mom-still doing amazing!!!!!!! :)
Me-I will be ok. I am trying my best to stay strong and stay positive and trying to remind myself that our Lord in the one in control...he has a very special plan for us-in his time, not ours. I am tremedously better than yesterday...thank you for the prayers!!!
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News
News
Tomorrow I go back to Austin for my 7th scan. They are looking to see how many eggs actually released...hopefully 3 or under and I will be able to have my IUI...if more than 3 the cycle will be canceled.
I am still getting pictures of those in purple, it amazes me every time I open the attachment and see y'all supporting us! I am amazed and very grateful!!!! If you are one of the ones who wants to join in but doesn't have anything purple to wear, get creative-take a picture of something purple or use your imagination :) --send pictures to tapifer@grandecom.net and I will get them up as soon as I can.
AND THANK YOU ALL FOR CARING SO MUCH :)
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Big events over the weekend…
I love it when my appts land on the weekend and we are able to go up to Austin and stay with my brother in law...not only does it make the travel time seem hassle-free, it's really nice getting to spend time with Eric. However Eric had to work late Saturday night so Zach decided we would go to the local ballpark and see Round rock Express, which is a minor league baseball team, play. It was fun and something different that I enjoyed getting to do.
Here are a couple pictures from Saturday night....
We moved from our seats to the nearby lawn..it was so much more relaxing...
Kicked back enjoying the game and time with my honey!
6th Follicle Scan..."Everything Happens For a Reason"
Zach and I stayed in Austin again with my brother in law so that we wouldn't have to wake up extra early to head down there...I must say I really enjoy getting to spend time with him!!
We woke up this morning and I had a pit in my stomach...something I can't quite explain...Zach and I again sported our lovely "purple" attire...however something just felt 'different' about this day...I wouldn't say I was down, but Zach could def. tell I had my mind else where.
Zach: "Tiffany--show me your 'I'm strong face'....
Tiff: " Nah...."
Zach: "Come on....your strong...show it to me"
Tiff: "I don't feel very strong..."
Zach: "You are....now show it to me"
Tiff: "Fine....here"
Zach: (Laughing hysterically)
Tiff: (Laughing hysterically too....)
Zach: "OK...we need a picture of that one..."
And.....this is what my "strong face" looks like....
I must admit, he def. got my mind where it needed to be...
Thank God for goofy husbands--esp. mine :)
I wish I could say that I 'remained' strong throughout the rest of the morning....
This was the one thing I didn't want to happen....I prayed for this not to happen....I did not want to be faced with this decision.
Cancel....or Reduce....
I have tons of follicles....
R: 12.5, 12, 12, 12, 11, 11, 10, 9, 9
L: 20, 19, 16, 15, 14, 14, 14, 12
This was the one thing I didn't want to happen....I prayed for this not to happen....I did not want to be faced with this decision.
Cancel....or Reduce....
I have tons of follicles....
R: 12.5, 12, 12, 12, 11, 11, 10, 9, 9
L: 20, 19, 16, 15, 14, 14, 14, 12
Lining is the same and my estrodiol went through the roof....it was in the 400's now it's in the 2,000's.....
Although they look for follicles to be 20+ before they "trigger" you, a follicle can release once it reaches 14mm...that means I have a total of 7 mature follicles. NOT GOOD. Well...it's good in a sense that the medicine worked, and good that I produced so many more than I ever have, however...now were being asked the one question we have prayed that we wouldn't have to come face to face with..
Ideally....our plan was once we had a 20+ follicle we would trigger that night and do back to back IUI's...however with that many mature follicles that will not be our plan.
Our Dr. asked us today to think about what we wanted to do....we could go forth with the plan of IUI's...however if more than 3 took we would have to reduce the rest, or we could cancel the cycle.
WHY do I have to make this decision. I admit, there is a selfish part of me that wanted to just say "whatever...just get me pregnant; I'll do whatever it takes..." however in my heart I absolutely can't abort any of my babies if more than 3 took. I am not in control and Zach and I will not play God. I am broken and sad that this has come down to this...I am sad that my cycle is just a couple days away from being canceled. All of the shots...all of the blood work...all of the trips to Austin...not to mention the money...and for what? For this to be canceled?
Of course, I cried like a baby in the room...I couldn't stop. Zach held me and tried so hard to pick me up... "Look how far we have come Tiffany...we will get through this...."....to be honest I didn't want to hear anything at that moment...I just wanted to cry. The Dr. came back in to get our decision about reducing or canceling....with tears flooding down my face and my voice going in and out I told her that "we will not reduce"...she said that she has one more option...
I will trigger tonight and go back on Tuesday morning to get a scan to see HOW many of my follicles did indeed release. If it's 3 or less we can do an IUI on Tuesday....if it's more than that my cycle is indeed canceled.
I cried pretty much all the way home...then it dawned on me....it's not about whats on the other side of the mountain...it's not about how long it takes...it's not about the stops in the road ...it's the climb!! God put this in our lives for a reason, EVERYTHING happens for a reason...he is the one in control--"Without faith nothing is possible...with faith nothing is impossible". I've prayed for guidance all morning...I've prayed for strength...patience....this is by far not the way I wanted things to turn out, but this is his plan, not mine!
So instead of asking for prayers for Tuesday to end with an IUI (although that's what I would love to happen!!) I am going to ask for prayers for God's plan to unfold in the desire that he wants. I am going to ask for strength, patience, guidance for my husband and I!!!
I do not know what the future holds for us, more less the next couple days...I am trying my very best to lean on God and let him guide us through this...I am sure today's tears will not be my last, however somehow...someway we will get through this...God has a special plan and I have Faith!!!
Thank you for all the prayers and the sweet messages, I can't express how much they mean to me!!!!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
5th follicle scan....
(Fingers Crossed for a good scan!!!)
I had my 5th follicle scan this afternoon...it went amazingly well. I surrvived yet another drive to Austin and yet another day in this crazy journey :) My mother went with me today--it was nice getting to spend time with her!!
It appears that my left ovary will be my dominate one as my right isn't producing much.
R-7.5 (there are many other little ones, but the 7.5 is the only measurable one)
L-11.5, 11.5, 10, 10, 9 (and lots of other tiny ones in this one too...)
Lining was 9.0B My lining is ready!! AND I found out what A and B rating is!!
A-means that you still have traces of progesterone in your lining which isn't good for a healthy pregnancy and normally ends in miscarriage. I had this on CD6 b/c I just got off my cycle, which would be why my lining had traces of progesterone....
B-means there is no progesterone and that the lining is perfect and ready for implantation. :)
My estrodiol blood work level is 431 he is very impressed with how it's increasing.
I go back on Sunday morning for my 6th scan!! I asked him when he "thought" I would be ready...as there really isn't any way to predict- he is guesstimating that I will be ready mid/end of next week. I have also been experiencing some major cramping, he said that is normal because my ovaries are growing in size to hold all these follicles....so that explains that!! Also he mentioned that he would like to see one or two of my follies on my left side drop as he doesn't want to risk others popping up and then the cycle getting canceled due to too many follies, so please say a prayer that everything stays right on track where it needs to be!
My dosages for the next 3 days are....150iu tonight, 75iu tomorrow and 112.5 Saturday night.
Me thankful and happy that my appt went well...Thanks for all the prayers and support :) I have more purple pictures to upload, but that will have to wait until tomorrow...My pillow is calling out to me and I must go! :)
Amazing Friends In 'Purple'
If you wish to send in picture of you or your family member wearing purple-please email to tapifer@grandecom.net , if you have a blog let me know so I can link you! THANK YOU SO MUCH for your support and encouragement throughout this. It means more than I could ever express!!!
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Braxton
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Susannah
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Beth
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Sara's daughter, Avery
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Aimee :)
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Alissa and Brinley (my neighbors!)
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Tammy
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Melody's daughter--Bailey
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Shannon's daughter, Madi
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Susannah:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Beth:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Sara's daughter, Avery:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Aimee :):::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Alissa and Brinley (my neighbors!):::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Tammy:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Melody's daughter--Bailey:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Shannon's daughter, Madi:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Ashley and her husband from MA
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Jalysia in Central Canada (and her cute puppy!)
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Rosie :)
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Ashlee and her sweet daughter Rylie
The McCrary's
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Beth(my sister in law) and some kids from her daycare in PA:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Sarah 
Veronica
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
4th Follicle Scan
Yesterday was one long day. Sorry I didn’t post this update last night-I didn’t get home till around 7:45, I showered, ate a little, laid on the couch and watched Big Brother with one eye open…then I went to bed. I was exhausted....
My Grandmother and Grandpa went on the drive to Austin with me…I love having the company-it makes for a fast trip!!
My Dr. stated I am doing “Frighteningly well”… “What do you mean” I asked… “Your doing so well it’s scary” he stated. He is still 100% confident with how things are going. My estridiol is increasing fast, my eggs are increases the way he thinks they should be (slow to me, but he says they are looking superb--and he is the Dr. not I.)
I have TONS of eggs, so he stopped counting after he measured all of the “measurable” ones.
R-6, 6, 6, 5…
L-10, 8, 7, 6, 6, 5,…
Lining was 5.3B {can someone help me with what the ‘b’ and the ‘a’ means after the measurement? I meant to ask him, but totally forgot. For example…on CD6 my lining was 4.4A…CD9 it was 4.7 (no letter) and yesterday on CD11 it was 5.3B….}
My estrodiol blood work level is 153 (he said it increased beautifully--)
Overall I think it went great. I was advised to take 225iu last night and 150iu tonight. I go back tomorrow afternoon for another scan and go back today for ‘more’ blood work!
Thank you all for the prayers, I believe they are working!!!! :) Thank you all for the sweet messages and comments---I could thank y'all forever but I really can't express HOW much your support means to us and helps us! :)
My Grandmother and Grandpa went on the drive to Austin with me…I love having the company-it makes for a fast trip!!
My Dr. stated I am doing “Frighteningly well”… “What do you mean” I asked… “Your doing so well it’s scary” he stated. He is still 100% confident with how things are going. My estridiol is increasing fast, my eggs are increases the way he thinks they should be (slow to me, but he says they are looking superb--and he is the Dr. not I.)
I have TONS of eggs, so he stopped counting after he measured all of the “measurable” ones.
R-6, 6, 6, 5…
L-10, 8, 7, 6, 6, 5,…
Lining was 5.3B {can someone help me with what the ‘b’ and the ‘a’ means after the measurement? I meant to ask him, but totally forgot. For example…on CD6 my lining was 4.4A…CD9 it was 4.7 (no letter) and yesterday on CD11 it was 5.3B….}
My estrodiol blood work level is 153 (he said it increased beautifully--)
Overall I think it went great. I was advised to take 225iu last night and 150iu tonight. I go back tomorrow afternoon for another scan and go back today for ‘more’ blood work!
Thank you all for the prayers, I believe they are working!!!! :) Thank you all for the sweet messages and comments---I could thank y'all forever but I really can't express HOW much your support means to us and helps us! :)
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Pifer Life
Count Down With The Pifers
Hours till I go get MORE blood work...
1 day till my 4th follicle scan
Hours till I go get MORE blood work...
1 day till my 4th follicle scan
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Family Updates
Zach-he hasn't complained about his knee in a few days--AWESOME! His therapist even mentioned that they believe he may very well have his 'last' session very soon---yess!!!
Zach-he hasn't complained about his knee in a few days--AWESOME! His therapist even mentioned that they believe he may very well have his 'last' session very soon---yess!!!
Mom-still seems to be doing amazing!!! GOD IS SOOO GOOD!
Me-I am better than last week in a sense, my sinus infection is all gone but I still 'sound' yucky...but I feel 100 times better. I have had an emotional couple of days, no tears yet, just feel like I 'could' cry enough tears to fill up lake. I will be ok, no worries...this is just harder than I imagined. Since we have been ttc for 3 1/2 years I thought this wouldn't be 'that' different---WRONG! BUT with prayer and guidance from God I will get through this!!! :)
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News
News
I go today for more blood work...and will head out tomorrow for my 4th follicle scan in Austin.
I have recieved many emails, text and so forth with y'all telling me y'all wore or/are wearing purple for Zach and I...My friend Ashley came up with a wonderful idea--send us your picture of you wearing purple and we will compile all of them and post them for everyone to see; also let me know where you are from -I would love to see where y'all are. If you are one of the ones who wants to join in but doesn't have anything purple to wear, get creative-take a picture of something purple or use your imagination :) --click here to read Ashley's blog.
Send pictures to: piferbeanfund@yahoo.com or tapifer@grandecom.net
AND THANK YOU ALL FOR CARING SO MUCH :)
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Big events over the weekend…
Friday was a lazy night, Zach and I stayed in and didn't do a single thing--we even went to bed early! Saturday we woke up and cleaned up the house a little bit then headed to pick up our friend Brandon and headed to Austin to spend the night with Eric-my brother in law. Brandon and Eric had the night planed. We went to a nearby place to see Randy Rogers play...it was nice!! We had a really good time! Then we woke up Sunday for our appt.
Here are a few pictures from the weekend:
Here are a few pictures from the weekend:
Zach and I before we left for Austin-wearing purple of course!
Yes he changed! Once he found out it was outside he put on his 'purple' t-shirt and saved his dressy one for the next day!
Zach, Brandon and Eric-(Zach's brother)
The Randy Rogers Band
3rd Follicle Scan
Zach and I woke up this morning (all decked out in purple--of course) to head to the local hospital to get my estradiol bloodwork taken before my appointment at 9:00am. Zach and I drove around and around this hospital to find parking and finally we found a parking garage...they obviously color code there floors...well ironically we parked on the 'purple' floor....
You can no refer to me as "HPC"....are you asking yourself what's that??? Well my friends....that's "Human Pin Cushion"...I have been poked so many times within the last week that's what I feel like...my poor arms are all bruised from giving blood, it's pretty much inny-minny-miney-mo as to which arm to poke now...I admit....my emotions are running crazy right now. The financial part of this is adding up...fast may I add! My body is tired of being poked, although I am getting used to it; I very well don't care for it. My medicine is obviously causing me to be extremely emotional. I am trying tremendously hard to be 100% positive, yet be realistic at the same time- so that I don't get my hopes up throughout this. The trips to Austin and continuously having to ask off for work is not easy, although I thankfully have bosses who work me me and I am very grateful for that!! This whole thing is wearing me out and really taking a toll on me and it's only just begun....sorry for the vent session...sometimes it helps to get it all out. I really am ok; promise! I am just worn out-
Back to my Appt...
My appointment went rather well. I have tons of follicles. 17 and counting to be exact...as of right now I only have 4 potential, however all of the other ones still can grow--we just have to see.
Right now we have:
R-7, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6...(there were tons of other little ones, so she stopped counting and just said "put 'dot-dot-dot'...")
L-8, 7, 7, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6
They are only anticipating the 8's and the 7's to increase in size, however the 6's are not far behind so there really is no telling. However remember we really don't want more than 5 follicles to mature otherwise my cycle will get canceled as we are not up for reduction. So please pray that they do mature but please pray that only a few of them mature.
My estradiol level today was 50 {not quite sure where this should be as I haven't had this in the past and forgot to ask, so if you know please message me and let me know:)}
My lining is still fairly thin, but they don't seem concerned...so I guess that's good---it's 4.7 right now (needs to be 7+)
I was given instructions to take 225iu tonight and 150iu tomorrow. I am already out of meds so I have to order another batch tomorrow and have them overnighted to me--
I will go tomorrow and get MORE bloodwork (sob!) and then head back to Austin on Tuesday for another ultrasound to measure my follicles. The Dr. I saw today (as mine is at a conference) seems to think once I have a follicle that hits 10mm this whole thing will be down hill and go very fast.
I do want to tell everyone who messages us, comments us, calls us, text us, sends us an email or a letter, prays and supports us---THANK YOU. You know this purple thing started out as a silly thing Zach and I were doing to helps us keep our minds off of things...it's very unlikely a little color would bring us 'good luck'...however it's something that we had fun with...when Ashley and the girls joined in, it meant alot that they cared; not necessary for the 'good luck', but it showed how much they cared and that they wanted to support us. Since this purple thing came about I have received so many emails, comments, calls and so forth with people saying they are wearing purple for us on the days we have our appts. WOW!!! I know that the more people who wear purple isn't going to bring us more 'luck', but can I tell you that it's amazing to see how many people are routing for us, how many people are supporting and praying for us...I am speechless! I found out today that my Sister in law contacted her whole family and friends and they all wore purple today and will be wearing purple all week and esp. on the days of our appts...something so little has turned into something so big! THANK YOU ALL!! Y'alls support and prayers are what keeps Zach and I going strong. When we have a weak moment it never fails that we get a sweet comment or email that makes us grin from ear to ear. This journey is so hard, I thought it was hard before but it's really hard now...I know that this journey was given to us for a reason, to build us. God has an amazing-special-lovely plan in store for us....although we can't see it, I have 100% faith in him! No matter HOW steep the mountain, God will climb it with us!
Don't we look like a huge "grape"? HA!
You can no refer to me as "HPC"....are you asking yourself what's that??? Well my friends....that's "Human Pin Cushion"...I have been poked so many times within the last week that's what I feel like...my poor arms are all bruised from giving blood, it's pretty much inny-minny-miney-mo as to which arm to poke now...I admit....my emotions are running crazy right now. The financial part of this is adding up...fast may I add! My body is tired of being poked, although I am getting used to it; I very well don't care for it. My medicine is obviously causing me to be extremely emotional. I am trying tremendously hard to be 100% positive, yet be realistic at the same time- so that I don't get my hopes up throughout this. The trips to Austin and continuously having to ask off for work is not easy, although I thankfully have bosses who work me me and I am very grateful for that!! This whole thing is wearing me out and really taking a toll on me and it's only just begun....sorry for the vent session...sometimes it helps to get it all out. I really am ok; promise! I am just worn out-
Back to my Appt...
My appointment went rather well. I have tons of follicles. 17 and counting to be exact...as of right now I only have 4 potential, however all of the other ones still can grow--we just have to see.
Right now we have:
R-7, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6...(there were tons of other little ones, so she stopped counting and just said "put 'dot-dot-dot'...")
L-8, 7, 7, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6
They are only anticipating the 8's and the 7's to increase in size, however the 6's are not far behind so there really is no telling. However remember we really don't want more than 5 follicles to mature otherwise my cycle will get canceled as we are not up for reduction. So please pray that they do mature but please pray that only a few of them mature.
My estradiol level today was 50 {not quite sure where this should be as I haven't had this in the past and forgot to ask, so if you know please message me and let me know:)}
My lining is still fairly thin, but they don't seem concerned...so I guess that's good---it's 4.7 right now (needs to be 7+)
I was given instructions to take 225iu tonight and 150iu tomorrow. I am already out of meds so I have to order another batch tomorrow and have them overnighted to me--
I will go tomorrow and get MORE bloodwork (sob!) and then head back to Austin on Tuesday for another ultrasound to measure my follicles. The Dr. I saw today (as mine is at a conference) seems to think once I have a follicle that hits 10mm this whole thing will be down hill and go very fast.
I do want to tell everyone who messages us, comments us, calls us, text us, sends us an email or a letter, prays and supports us---THANK YOU. You know this purple thing started out as a silly thing Zach and I were doing to helps us keep our minds off of things...it's very unlikely a little color would bring us 'good luck'...however it's something that we had fun with...when Ashley and the girls joined in, it meant alot that they cared; not necessary for the 'good luck', but it showed how much they cared and that they wanted to support us. Since this purple thing came about I have received so many emails, comments, calls and so forth with people saying they are wearing purple for us on the days we have our appts. WOW!!! I know that the more people who wear purple isn't going to bring us more 'luck', but can I tell you that it's amazing to see how many people are routing for us, how many people are supporting and praying for us...I am speechless! I found out today that my Sister in law contacted her whole family and friends and they all wore purple today and will be wearing purple all week and esp. on the days of our appts...something so little has turned into something so big! THANK YOU ALL!! Y'alls support and prayers are what keeps Zach and I going strong. When we have a weak moment it never fails that we get a sweet comment or email that makes us grin from ear to ear. This journey is so hard, I thought it was hard before but it's really hard now...I know that this journey was given to us for a reason, to build us. God has an amazing-special-lovely plan in store for us....although we can't see it, I have 100% faith in him! No matter HOW steep the mountain, God will climb it with us!
And just so you can see the fortune yourself--
where just knocking out week and making it 'cycle' :)
where just knocking out week and making it 'cycle' :)
Live for today, but hold your hands open to tomorrow. Anticipate the future and its changes with joy. There is a seed of God's love in every event, every unpleasant situation in which you may find yourself.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL! :)
GOD BLESS YOU ALL! :)
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