Breaking Up

Dear Infertility,

Why did you choose me? Why do you even exists? Why must you bring so much hurt to families?

It's hard not to be angry with you at times, but I know that your in my life for a reason. You have surprisingly made me stronger, you have also made my marriage stronger as well...not to mention our relationship with the Lord. Is that why you choose me? To make me stronger?

Why can't you be nicer? I like my body to be regular, you make it near impossible to try to a child on our own...one month you bring me 15 day cycles the next month 35+ day cycle...can you at least give me a couple months in a row of consistency? Not to mention the weight you have packed on me, do you realize the low carb diet you have me on because of all that added weight? You have put my body through hell and back, and I haven't even experienced labor!

When will our journey with you be over? I mean that in the nicest way-I am thankful for the things I've learned and for the person I've grown into because of you; however to be honest I am really ready for my next chapter in life. Can't you go on vacation for nine whole months while I visit with pregnancy? I don't mind throwing up while you take a trip to the Bahamas...

Sorry to come down so hard on you Infertility, but lets face it...we need a break!!!!!!

I would die for that....

I am sure most infertiles have heard this song by Kellie Coffey, in fact I've posted this song at least 3 times on my blog throughout our 4.5 year journey. To be honest I try to avoid it because it makes me cry like crazy, but it always seems to pop up when I least expect it too, I was on you tube watching a video a friend of mine posted and low and behold there was the video...and you guessed it I watched it and the tears have yet to stop...

It hits home, very close to my heart...the words she sings are the words I often think...if you haven't seen the video it's a great one, but warning you may want to grab some tissues.

Under the Weather

The past couple days I have felt under the weather...there is a stomach bug going around and it seems that I might have caught this darn little thing...no fun!

Zach is such a great nurse (and husband). He has woken up with me throughout the night when I felt sick! I am so blessed!

I feel like I used to have such a strong immune system, but lately within the last year it seems like I've been catching all these little bugs and viruses that are floating around...

I am so happy to be feeling a little better, and hope soon to be back to 100%!!

Rainbows and Butterflies

It's not always rainbows and butterflies. God doesn't promise anything in life to be 'easy'. Sometimes things work faster for some than they do others, but that doesn't mean their life is full of rainbows and butterflies. God test everyone's strength in his own way.

It's always good to be kinder than necessary, everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle-big or small. You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life.

A sweet little lady told me this weekend that 'You can't have a testimony without a test.' I can't tell you how amazingly true that is and more important, I can't tell you how much I needed that at that particular moment. I didn't tell her anything about my infertility, her words were truly an act from God, one telling me that he hasn't forgotten me and that my test isn't over.

At times the jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be, it's hard knowing my test isn't over. I trust in him that our test to become parents is well worth it, that this not only will make us stronger individuals, but it will make us a stronger couple and stronger Christians.

Cloudy Heart...

My heart is a little cloudy today...

As much as I want to be positive about things, I can't help but think our dreams will never come true, I can't help but question if we are even meant to be parents, I can't help but imagine that I will never be pregnant.

Although I know that our God in a God of miracles, and he is so great and almighty I do hurt. I know by hurting that is him pulling me closer to him, wanting me to kneel before him longer and pray harder...and although my heart hurts that's what I will do.

I do not know God's plan for us, but whatever it is and wherever we go, I do know he will be by my side and with us every step of the way.

I just wish today that the cloudiness in my heart would turn to sunshine...

Comment word verification

I am having to change up my comment section just a little bit, I added the word verification thing...I have been getting so much spam comments it's unreal; I hate to change it back to disqus, or make it where only google users can comment, so I am going to try this first to see if it works. I hate doing this b/c I know it makes it hard to comment (esp. from a phone) but hopefully this will nix out the spam...

I hope y'all have a HAPPPPPPPPY TUESDAY!

If I can ever get time to post from my home computer I will be posting a giveaway soon :) So stay tuned!


***UPDATE--well as you can see I had a spam comment on this post already, so now I have added the only Google users can post, I am so sorry for all my anonymous friends out there, you can sign up for a free Google account here****

Business Trip

I recently had my very 1st business trip with my new job...we went to Dallas during a weekend and stayed at the Four Seasons for a jewelery show. I've never stayed at the Four Seasons (it was amazing!). We even saw the band Aero Smith checking into the hotel when we were checking out--pretty neat! Our boss reserved myself and the rest of our workers a day at the spa as well as took us out to an amazing restaurant that night. The jewelery show was fabulous, it was breathtaking. I am loving my new job, the hours are a bit much, but it's all worth it. The people are great and it's been such a fun time! Here are a few pics of our trip...

A couple views from our room

Lucy, me, Stacey and our boss Michael

Bad pic, but all of us in front our our limo

Lake Fun

Due to my mom being in the hospital and her recent surgery plus my battery in my laptop completely going out, I have been unable to upload any pictures from some past weekends...

This post will be a 'makeup' post...a few weekends back we went to the lake with some of our best friends, Ashley and James and attempted tubing and skiing for the first time in our boat....

We had a great time, here are a few pictures from the day :)

James Skiing

Zach tubing..

Zach getting ready to tube...

Ashley and me

1 year ago...

One year ago today I was sitting in our fertility clinic's office waiting to see if I would be getting the IUI or not, one year ago today I really thought our dreams would finally be answered and we would become parents...I can't believe it's been a whole year since our last treatment.

Time flies, year by year I'm amazed that so much time has passed and so little has changed. Zach and I are still actively trying, were really watching what we eat, taking vitamins that help with infertility....and still no positive pregnancy test.

Although I consider myself very open about our infertility, I feel like I'm beginning to not talk about it as much...it seems every time I turn around someone ask me 'when are y'all going to do IVF' .... 'what are y'all doing now'.... 'whats your next step'? and each time I have to tell these people 'I don't know'...

Were still trying, still saving, still praying, still hoping... that's the best answer I can give ya!

Although my heart still hurts, I do have faith. I can't possibly imagine seeing a positive pregnancy test because all I've ever seen is negatives. BUT I DO HAVE FAITH. The years may pass me by, I may fall quite about things, and may even shed some tears, but my faith will never dwindle.

So as I sit here today, I thank God that he has given me enough patience to make it through a year without treatments without going 'too' crazy....

Great News

My mom has been discharged and is offically H-O-M-E!!!

It has been a very difficult few days in the nursing home; she was extremly emotional and thought we were going to just leave her there; it was difficult having to leave her when it was time for me to head home for the day. I am extremly thankful she exceled in theraphy and is HOME!

She is so happy, which makes me so happy!! Since being home I can tell a huge difference in her attitude as well as her health, she overall is doing great!

I hope and pray that its a LONG time before we have to travel down this road again!

Thank you everyone for the many sweet prayers and comments, y'all are all too kind!

First Night in the Nursing Home

Last night was my mothers first night in the nursing home, and I wish I could say it went well...

She arrived in the nursing home around 7pm-ish...I left to go home so she could rest around 8ish; I got a call a little after midnight from my mom, crying-begging and pleading for me to come and get her. She was devastated, miserable, saddened, scared and a little angry. She told me that she thought I was going to leave her there forever :( if that wasn't bad enough she called again at 2am and did the exact same thing, begged for me to come get her-cried and said 'Tiffany if you love me-please come get me from here'...

BROKE MY HEART. I have been crying all day off and on. This is so hard. I've been through alot with my mom, but never this. And although this is only temporary it's still extremely hard. She feels abandoned and I hate that she feels this way.

I would never ever do anything to hurt my mother on purpose, and although I know I am doing the right thing for her, I honestly feel like the worst daughter ever! I consider myself strong when it comes to myself and my infertility, but when it comes to my mom I think I am as weak as I could possibly get...everyone keeps telling me to be strong for my mom, but it's hard. Like she needs me to be strong for her, I need her to be strong for me.

I just want to see my mom excel through these couple weeks and hurry home and feel better, I want to see a smile on her face and I want her to know I love her more than anything in the world!

Please say a special prayer for her tonight that her 2nd night will be much better than the 1st, please pray that she knows that I love her and to be strong throughout all of this. I know she can do it, I just want her to believe in herself and to show her nurses and Dr's that she can do this!

Thanks for all the sweet comments and prayers, means so very much!

Another Momma Update

I was called to the hospital last night (of course my heart skipped a beat or two)...thankfully it wasn't anything too serious, however they want to place her in a skilled nursing home for a couple-few weeks depending on how fast she bounces back...

I've seen my mother go through a lot, however I've never seen her this 'dazed' after a surgery. She normally bounces back fairly quickly, but she isn't bouncing back as quickly this time-she WILL be fine, she just needs a little extra TLC which is why she will be going to a nursing home for a little bit to help her recover.

She has been through a lot in her 53 years of life and with each surgery her recovery time gets a little worse.. :(

Last night I had to tell my mom that she won't be going home, that was extremly hard...I cried pretty much all night (poor Zach didn't know what to do) I know that at some point in life most children have to go through this with there parents, however I'm 26 and my moms 53, I hurt because she is so young to go through all she has...It hurts me to see her in this shape, to have to tell her that she can't go home right now :(

I have faith in our Lord, I know that everyone has there own plan in life-I've accepted my plan, but its hard for me to accept hers...I miss my mom and its hard to know she will 'never' be 100% 'herself'...

Please continue to pray for strength for my mother that she will accept her new 'home' for a couple weeks, that I will remain strong for her and patience and guidance from her physcians.

Thanks for all the love, support and prayers! God is Great!!!

(This was posted from my phone, so sorry if its jumbled or doesn't make sense-I didn't get to proof read)