Letting Go...

I've always been one to live by the saying 'Let Go and Let God'! Throughout this 5+ years I've done amazingly well with having patience with God's plan for us, I've had Faith and have done very well with Letting Go and Letting God...however since our failed IVF, I haven't Let God do much of anything due to the fact I haven't been able to Let Go!!

I think it's safe to say after 4 months I am ready to LET GO-- there is an important difference between letting go and giving up--letting go doesn't mean giving up--it just means I am ready to move on!

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned in order to accept the life that is waiting for us. Will I still think about things-YES...will I still shed tears every now and then-SURE...will the thought that I was 'a little' pregnant for a short period of time ever leave my heart-NO....but  I will be ok, hurdles in life only make you stronger and I have to admit this was one of the biggest hurdles we've been through.

When one door closes another opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which are now open for us.We will eventually have another door open; I don't want to miss it due to the fact that I can't let go of the door that just closed.

God has slowly provided me strength to move forward and to let go...and that's just what we are doing!

To me...From me

Dear Tiffany,

I know your pain, I know how bad your heart aches, I know more than anything you want to tell your husband that he is going to be a daddy. I know you want to be the best friend, daughter, sister, grand daughter and wife you can possibly be...but it's hard to feel your best when you feel like a failure. I understand that emptiness you have in your heart and although you live a happy life with your sweet husband you still have that hole in your heart that awaits the day it's filled with a blessing from God. 

At times you forget that big picture, you forget that God trusted you with this journey...at times you feel like your being punished--but I can assure you that this will only make you and Zach stronger. It's ok to be weak at times--being weak does not make you a bad person, nor a bad wife (friend-daughter-sibling). Your dream will always defeat your reality if YOU give it a chance. Hang in there-DON'T ever give up. Cling to God, your husband and your closest support system...

Stars can't shine without darkness Tiffany! You will get through this!!

Love-Tiffany

Can I be Honest?

Sorry I have been MIA for awhile--I just have had a million and one things on my mind and when I sit down to write about things, no words seem to come out.

This is a hard post for me to write. So many look at me to be 'strong' or to be inspirational, I feel like I am letting so many down by even saying this...but I am so weak right now!

Momma went to the hospital and had to stay a couple night last week--she is OK and Thank the Good Man upstairs that it was nothing to serious, but it's just so hard. I am the only child-I don't have other siblings to help me with decision or just plan and simple taking care of her--it's hard. I feel so alone and drained (emotionally and physically) at times. And just saying that following sentence makes me feel like the WORST daughter ever.  I miss my 'mommy' though...for as long as I can remember I have been taking care of her--it's so selfish of me knowing her situation and knowing she would give anything to be back to her normal state of mind for me to even say--' I need her to take care of me now'...She tries so hard, and she does do a good job, but I also don't unleash all my feelings and worries and sadness to her in fear of just upsetting her even more--I hold my feelings in so much in fear of upsetting the ones I love, I don't want to be that 'debbie downer daughter/friend/spouse'...everyone tells me how strong I am and in reality I feel anything but that!

On another subject of why I feel so blue--my body still hasn't gotten back on the right track (well...backtrack a moment, my body has never been on the right track, but hasn't gotten back on the track at least it knew...) since my IVF. I just want to move forward, but I still find myself getting so sad over things, really disliking my body...blaming myself for it not working. ((YOU DON'T have to say it, its not my fault and I DO KNOW that...but during my 'whyyyy me moments' I do blame myself)) It's just hard...and if I can be honest with you---I have been so weak, still so broken. How can something that never even 'happened' be holding onto my heart and not letting go?! Does the pain ever go away?

One of my best friends sent me the following quote the other day when all I could do was cry: 'Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength' ....

I know things happen for a reason---I know dark times DO disappear--I know that time heals all pain and the climb of life does get easier. I know that God has a plan for everyone and our moment will come in his time--I know that my family and friends truly love me and I know I am so very grateful to be surrounding by such amazing love and support.

I just don't know why this has to hurt so bad...I wish I could be superwoman at times and shield away all the pain and be as strong as some think I am! :(

Our Life in Bullets

First let me apologize for my lack of blogging ...life has been a whirlwind lately...

* I started my new job (well not 'new'...it's where I worked before Talbots, I'm blessed that I was able to have my old job back, making more than I was making then plus now I have my weekends back off!) But things have just been crazy, I jumped into learning new things since I left, plus we are planning a business trip for next week...it's been a busy couple weeks!

* My brother in law lived in Austin which is a couple hours from us, well he decided to move back to our town--and until he is able to get an apt with friends he is staying with us. So last weekend we went down and packed up everything he owns to put it in storage while he lives with us---that was an exhausting weekend! Although due to all of our work schedules we hardly have seen him this week it's nice that we get to see him more than the normal. 

* My mom has been having some issues with her feet, she has been in alot of pain lately and just very uncomfortable....so any prayers you can send this way would be much appreciated.

* Zach's family is planning a trip to Branson, Missouri in October, however I am unsure if I will be able to go or not...Zach may have to make this trip without me which makes me so sad--we will see though, it all depends on when my bosses trip falls in Oct and thats what were waiting to see. 

*We have family pictures coming up next in September for this years Christmas cards (yes I know I can't believe the holidays are literally right around the corner!!) I LOVE getting our pictures professionally done--I may be a little 'over' excited for pictures, but I can't help myself!!

* I have fallen in love with 2 'fads' the past week.... #1 the feather, I finally caved and got one in my hair and I love it! #2 Shellac Nails....AMAZING! I love manicures, mostly because of the whole massage and how great my nails feel afterwords, but I always veered to fake nails only because I can't stand it when my polish chips....well have no fear Shellac is here! It's GREAT!!!

*My brother turned 15 yesterday! Where does the time go?!? He starts High School a little later this month---CRAZY! We are going over to there house tonight to celebrate his birthday!!! And speaking of High School, my 10 year reunion is next summer---SCARY to think it's already been 10 years!!

* Well I am sure I am leaving some things out, but pretty much that's my life in bullet points at this moment in time! Nothing very interesting-- I tried to post some pictures but blogger is being fussy at the moment! And I have received everyone's emails and request to be added to the Infertility Support Tab....I promise I am working on that and if your name isn't already up there it will be soon! :)

Infertility Support

I have had an out pour of emails regarding infertility support...some wanting on my infertility support tab--others wanting to know good forums to help communicate with infertility couples.

IF you are not under my infertility tab for either 'support in trying to conceive' OR 'a success story' AND YOU WANT TO BE---either leave your information in the comment section below or send me an email to tapifer@grandecom.net

IF you know of another website that you love to go to that helps you cope with your infertility, a chat room-forum-research website-book-ANYTHING ... leave it in my comment section or email it to me and I will compile a list and post them.

So many infertiles have been on this road for years...others are just starting down this difficult path. I remember back when we first started trying I couldn't find anything online for the longest time--I felt so alone (and still do at times today!)  Finally I flocked to a few websites-- iampregnant.com, fertilityfriend.com and www.twoweekwait.com . I found life time friends on these websites whom I still talk to today--although I don't get on any of these sites anymore and haven't for awhile they helped me so much in the begining! 

So if you have anything you want to share that has helped you throughout this journey--please leave it in the comment section or email it to me and I will compile a post shortly!

<3

Feeling Forgotten

I feel like this is deja vu--I've had these feelings many of times; and especially lately. 

Maybe it's me? Maybe I am just supposed to assume that my friends and family will still pop in every so often to check on me...maybe it's my fault and I am being selfish. Maybe I should be completely over things and not be sad every now and then...maybe I'm being to emotional?!

I just feel alone at times (until I open up blogger and see so many blogger friends in my same situation). I feel like my family and friends only stand by my side during the exciting times-such as going through the actual cycles--but right now when I am struggling on certain days they are no where to be found. At times I pick up the phone to call my family or friends just to hear a voice hoping they might say 'were still thinking of you'...but I hang up before hitting send because I want oh so bad for there call to be on there behalf-not mine. 

Sometimes I feel like screaming off the rooftops 'I STILL NEED YOU' but then if they all come running it won't be the same as if they came on there own...

And then I go back to blaming myself for being selfish again--should I still need them? Why is this so hard? Maybe it's all me? Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I could pop straight into another cycle...but I can't. Instead I'm left reminiscing about our failed cycle--I don't know where I would be in that cycle, so often I wonder and try to figure it out, but stop myself because I don't want to know. At times I want to forget like everyone else has seemed to do, but I can't. 

I have never been one to hide my feelings inside--esp. from my close friends and family! But here lately I have been--I feel so alone, and like I am supposed to be 100% ok now...some of my own CLOSE family hasn't called me in weeks--my heart is sad and I honestly just want it to smile ALL day again. 

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post--please don't think I am 'depressed' I do live a happy life, and I am so blessed for my husband who continues to put a huge smile on my face every day--but it hurts when your close family and friends have seemed to have forgotten about you--and again, maybe it's my fault for not being over things yet?!

::SIGH::

Why?

If you ever need a surrogate, I'll happily be one...

Why don't you just adopt...

If you stop trying it will happen, it did with us...

Just get drunk, then it will happen...

Your trying extremely too hard, just give it up...

Want to borrow my kids for the weekend, after that you will change your mind about wanting children...

Your still so young, enjoy life kid free...

JUST RELAX...

Your not infertile, you just need a break...

Get one of your friends to carry your baby for you...

It's just not your time...

WHY must people feel the need to put there foot in there mouth...WHY must comments such as the above hurt SO bad? 

After 5 years of trying to conceive our first child we HAVE relaxed, we have went on SEVERAL breaks, we have considered adoption and surrogacy (just because we haven't acted upon these, does not mean there not in the back of our minds). We DON'T want to borrow YOUR kids, we want to have our own...but thanks for asking! I'm sure many of our friends would be more than willing to carry our baby, but I would like the opportunity to carry my own child...we are young-but frankly age doesn't matter, when your ready your ready!! I'm so glad that you got pregnant when you stopped trying, but the stork DIDN'T visit us in the 2 year break we had...and after 5 years of trying to conceive and being diagnosed INFERTILE by a Reproductive Endocrinology, I beg to differ--we don't 'just need a break'!

I understand your only trying to be nice, and you don't know what else to say...but in a situation like this it helps so much more to just sit and listen to US TALK, give us a hug, let us know you are there...do anything BUT say any of the above. We are still grieving the lose of our 2 little beans, this is harder than anything we have experienced...all we ask is that you please be sensitive.