What If...

A lot of what if's keep rambling through my mind...

WHAT IF I moved wrong...

WHAT IF I sat up wrong or twisted the wrong way...

WHAT IF when I woke up on my stomach if thats ok...

WHAT IF I hurt them in any way unintentionally...

WHAT IF I am not providing them the best home they need...

I worry about them, I worry that I will do something wrong, I want the best for my babies, I want them to grow grow grow, if I could lay down for the next 2 weeks and not move a muscle I would.

God is in control, He is the ONLY one that knows the outcome of this journey, we just have to have Faith that no matter what our fears may be if this is what He wants for us it WILL happen!!

Our Amazing Day...

Let me start off by saying this was by far one of the most emotional, amazing and sweetest day of my life. Zach & I knew it would be amazing, but no one could have prepared us for the happiness and emotions that would come with having our babies put inside there new home...

I got to the hospital and went into the clinic area to talk to our embryologist about our babies, he explained that we had two amazing babies that were ready, however the others were lagging behind a little. He said he would give them another day or two to see if they would turn to the blast stage so that we can freeze some; I really thought not having any to freeze would hurt extremely bad, but at that moment when he showed me a picture of our two perfect babies I couldn't do anything but smile...

Zach and I are the parents to 2 of the cutest Pifer Beans I've ever seen! How can it be possible to love something so much that doesn't even have a heartbeat yet? I love the below picture of Zach and our babies, he is so proud!!!

The below picture makes me tear up every time I see it, the little white part above my fingertip is our babies new home inside me--isn't it just so amazing?

I have been taking it easy, haven't done much of anything--Zach is so protective which is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. 

I knew this day would be great, but I never knew how great it would be! 

GOD IS GREAT!

Beyond Blessed

Our beautiful baby Pifer beans are all cozy in their new home now..were praying for sticky sticky beans!!!

Everything we amazing!!!

As of today we do not have any embryos to freeze, I have 4 that he believes will be at the blast stage in a day or two and if so they will be able to be frozen....

It's so surreal to think I have two perfect little beans in me, I'm so beyond blessed and on cloud nine-God is so great!!

I have many more pictures to share once I upload them and am able to get on my laptop, but I had to post a short blog to show off my sweet lil' beans!!!!

Arn't they just lovely??? :)

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Tomorrow

This is the day I've waited for, the last step to this cycle before I find out if I am pregnant or not...

I never thought this day would come; there were moments when the day seemed as though it wasn't moving fast enough; and now it's here! I can't believe it!

Tomorrow I will come home a mommy to 2 beautiful little babies in the making who hopefully are working hard to attach so I can carry them for 9 months!!

I am in awe of this journey, its been a whirl wind ride; but it's been amazing!! 

The truth is we don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, or the days to come--life is a crazy ride and nothing is guaranteed. 

God has us closely wrapped in his arms carrying us through this and protecting us along the way. 

Our very first transfer is TOMORROW! (can't wait!!!!!)

Half a Dozen

Half a dozen little babies are holding on strong (with possibly more in the making-only time will tell)

We are defiantly going to a Friday transfer (yay!!!!)

God is BIG!

Fertilization Report

This past few weeks have been a crazy emotional roller-coaster ride--I didn't know what to expect with any of it, so I've gone day by day. 

Right now, more than ever, day by day is what I'm holding onto.

As I mentioned before I didn't know what to expect with my retrieval; 38 was more than I could have expected. My fertilization report was no different; the Dr. told me what to expect (which was about 1/2 of that to be fertilized) but other than that I didn't know how to expect things to play out--ideal I would have loved to see 10-15 if not more to fertilize in hopes to at least have 8-10 make it to transfer for 2 to be transferred and 6-8 to be frozen.

I got my call this morning and it didn't go near how I'd hoped for-- 'Only 2 have fertilized' shot through me like a bullet as my Dr. told me about my babies...I was am discouraged but I know in my heart it only takes 2; it's just not the odds I expected or wanted. He explained to me that there were several that had '2 polar bodies' (that is the step right before fertilization) So he explained that he would re-check on them at noon and call me back---so now I sat all morning with my stomach in knots anxiously awaiting for that call...

I have 5 fertilized right now; 5 out of 38 eggs...I would be lieing if I said I wasn't a little bummed or worried.

Don't waste your breath telling me 'It only takes 2' or ' 5 is better than none' because I know that; I honestly and truly do KNOW that. Although I am discouraged don't think for one moment that I am not thankful for those 5 that have fertilized--because I am extremely thankful and blessed; I just hope and pray those 5 make it to transfer.

My Dr. did mention that there are still several with 2 polar bodies so he is expecting to add to that number tomorrow. This whole journey has been a day by day step and a slow process; why would I expect for that to change now?? 

So as I sit here tying this post I have alot going on in my mind, I've cried tears of happiness and tears of anxiousness. These are my babies were talking about (yes they are just cells to many, but these cells are our babies) and I don't want anything to happen to them; so alot is going on through my mind.

Again, no one said this journey was easy, I just never thought it would be so hard. We will continue to hold onto Faith, Hope and leave the rest in His hands--He will walk us through this day by day.

Retrieval Time

Let me start off by saying that sleep before the night of your retrieval is nonexistent; I woke up at midnight--again at one---two--three and so on; I believe I woke up every hour on the hour. I was so excited and nervous I couldn't even think straight. 

We arrived at the hospital around 7ish in the morning where they checked me in to my labor and delivery room! They started my IV and then I had to wait for about an hour for anesthesia. I honestly did not know what to expect; my follicles just weren't doing what they were supposed to throughout the week so I thought I would be lucky if I came out with 15 retrieved eggs...that hour was like sitting on pins and needles...

At 9:00 they wheeled me back to the egg retrieval room--next thing I know I was waking up; first thing I asked was how many do we have so far '27 and still counting' he says (WOW!!!)

He came back in a little bit later to tell me the final count; they took 38 eggies from me....38! I was shocked; the Dr. was shocked; we were all shocked at how many--and very blessed!! 

After being in recovery for about an hour and a half  we were able to come home; I didn't make it long in the car before I started getting sick (I always get sick after anesthesia, esp. the car ride home) It was the longest 30 minute drive ever...I came straight inside and slept for 4 hours, my sweet husband has been so great taking care of me and checking on me! We are so excited and blessed about todays outcome and it couldn't have been more perfect!

I will get a call tomorrow with the fertilization count; from there is just a waiting and watching game to see how they divide; which will determine if we have transfer on Wednesday or Friday. 

'Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above'

5 years + Dr. Update

Dear Zach,

I can't beleive we are celebrating our 5 years wedding anniversary today--where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday we were standing in that little church saying our vows...

You are my best friend, my soul mate, my rock, my strength when I am weak, my sunshine on a cloudy day...You are my EVERYTHING!

Our 5 years as husband and wife have been quite eventful to say the least; especially the last few weeks. Zach-I do not know what I would do without you by my side-when I feel like crashing down you are there to pick me up, you are there to remind me of the bigger picture--you are there to put that smile back on my face. I love you more than words can possibly express and I am so very thankful and honored to be 'Mrs. Zachary Pifer'...

I do not know what the days ahead hold, or the weeks, months or years....but I do know that every morning I want to wake up next to you and fall asleep in your arms every night. I want to grow old and have many more years of complete happiness! Thank you Zachary for making these 5 years of husband and wife pure bliss! 

You never seize to amaze me! Thank you for all you do for us! I love you more and more with every day that passes!!

{My Dr. appt went absolutely amazing today--what an amazing gift & way to spend our anniversary--I have tons of mature follicles, and I am 'officially' ready---yay!! I am 'so' ready he is a little concerned I may ovulate before it's time, so instead of a Monday retrieval they are bumping it up to Sunday! We are so excited & absolutely can't wait for this next step! I will trigger tonight at 9pm and pray this little boogers don't drop on there own!! They are hoping my transfer will be Friday (but we won't know for sure until we see how they fertilize) Praying for lots of blessings within this week; so blessed & a perfect way to spend this day with my husband of 5 YEARS--thanks for all the calls, texts and prayers}

Molasses?

My new nickname given to me by my Dr...he says 'your growing as slow as mollasses'

LOVELY...

Friday retrieval is off...I will be going back for another appointment on Friday and he believes I will be ready for a Monday retrieval...

I'd lie if I said I wasn't disappointed, I know...I know...they are growing and thats what matters, and trust me I KNOW THAT, I am beyond happy and blessed they are growing...I guess I am eager to get them out of me and get this boogers fertilized; I've waited 5 years for this I guess a couple more days won't hurt so bad...

So please pray pray pray that I continue to grow grow grow...

Sincerly, 

Molasses

Miracle Grow Please??

Dear Ovaries,

I am asking pleading & begging you to please cooperate with me...PLEASE PLEASE sprinkle some love & miracle grow on my follicles! We need them to grow BIG so that we can take them out and fertilize them so a little baby Pifer can be placed back in my tummy---I would appreciate this muchly!

Thanks--Tiff

My follicles----they 'are' growing, just very slow---very very very slow! My follicles should be measuring about 16mm today; my right side is averaging 9mm and my left side is averaging 12mm...defiantly not where they should be...BUT they are growing. So although my Dr. is annoyed with my little ovaries he still has hope because they are growing, just not at the speed in which he would like...

My lining on the other hand is 'AUH-MAZING' it's a little over a 10 (they like for it to be an 8 or higher) so this is great, he was very pleased... and my estradial level came back at 1436 (they said it supposed to be around 1000 today) so they again are pleased with this...due to my lining and my estradial being exactly where they want them to be they will 'not' be upping my meds...

What does this mean you ask??

It means that our retrieval that was supposed to be this Thursday will NOT be this Thursday...

I have another appointment on Wednesday at 9am; he is hoping & praying that I will be ready for a Friday retrieval; but he did mention with my slow growth I could possibly go over the weekend or even on Monday--I'll know more Wednesday.

I asked him if the thought of canceling my cycle has entered his mind--he said 'NO' (whew-Thank God) He said that as long as I GROW even if it's slow it's ok, I just have to GROW! However, he did say his concern is that slow developers can stop growing all together and that is why Dr's don't quite like to see this happen.

Can someone please tell me where I can get some miracle grow for my follicles???

A little of this...

And a little of that.....

(My life at the moment in bullet points)

* My rear end hurts!! Thank God for ice packs and there ability to numb things!! For the past several days I have been icing my hiney before shot time; helps tremendously with not being able to feel the needle go in; problem is after the numbness is gone I'm still left with the bruising (and knots) which hurt to walk, sit, and lay down--I have tried heating pads but they really don't seem to make a difference--funny thing is as bad as they hurt I still get excited about shot time because that means we are one shot closer to retrieval...

* I never thought ovary pain would make me so happy--my ovaries have been throbbing all day long (even my right one which has been quite the slacker)--  throbbing = growth ... growth = happiness!!

* Crybaby--yes that still explains me to 'T'

* I'm so thankful for so many of my sweet friends who have been emailing me local job listings; I have been applying to some, but to be honest I won't be job hunting full force until mid June--I want to get through this journey, enjoy every pain-saking moment--stress free :)

* My appointment Monday is supposed to be pre-op, however I won't know if it's pre-op until Monday--It's funny how fast this whole cycle has flown by, I remember being on my birth control part wishing and hoping for those days to pass and now I am 'praying' almost to retrieval and then just a short 5 days away from transfer..AMAZING!

* I was so worried in the beginning of this journey that I would gain so much weight (not that I'm complaining about gaining weight, if I am pregnant I will happily gain whatever I need to in order to carry my baby-ies) however--I read horror stories of women who gained 10-20lbs just in the IVF process...I shockingly have lost a pound and a half since the beginning of this journey (maybe---just maybe--God is saving my weight gain for pregnancy--wishful thinking!!)

* Last year if you would have asked me if we would be doing IVF in 2011 I wold have sadly said no; I am thankful for this opportunity--so thankful that it brings tears to my eyes--I want this more than anything in the world and I pray this is His plan for us!! We are doing our best (through thick and thin) to remain hopeful, to keep our faith and to lean on our amazing support system. No one told me life was easy, No one told me this IVF journey would be easy--but I never thought it would be this hard---however, were not even to the end and it's a very rewarding journey. I thought infertility and everything over the past 5 years brought Zach and I so close, nothing compares to the past few weeks...our bond is unbreakable, indescribable, unimaginable, all because of one word: infertility. This next week not only will be hopefully be celebrating the fertilization of our babies but we will be celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary and I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate it together! 

One love---One life---One DREAM

Late Bloomer??

Lets pray so....

My appointment today wasn't the best...

My Dr's first words after taking a couple minutes to look around is 'I'm not happy with what I'm seeing'...

My follicles just aren't growing the way they should me; they are there...some are growing...just very slowly.

He said I could be a late bloomer and ALOT can happen in a week--thats exactly what I'm praying for. 

I may or may not increase my meds--I won't know until 3:00pm when I call and get my estradial level. 

I started tearing up after my appointment; it's never fun knowing that your body isn't reacting to things the way it should--not to mention I'm still very emotional. My Dr. gave me a hug and told me to 'Have Faith and Stay Hopeful'...

So that is what I am trying to do...

As I was crying in my car before my ride home I called Zach to give him the news---he can always make me feel better! He quickly reminded me that I WAS a late bloomer with my IUI cycle; so that gives me hope--I was such a late bloomer and had so many follicles at the last minute they almost canceled my cycle! 

Lets pray for late blooming follicles--a miracle that so much happens in a week!!!

Next appt...Monday!

A lil' defeated...

Today we went in for another ultrasound. 

My right ovary is quite the slacker--it's only holding 6 follicles which isn't the greatest--when my Dr. was looking at it I saw concern on his face---that was until he reached my left ovary that's holding a whooping 15 follicles. He seemed quite pleased that I had 21--I just pray they keep growing!!

 

 My lining was a 4.9; he said thats 'good' but not great...my estradial level came back at 81 which they said is fairly lower than expected on day 4. So they are upping my meds. I will continue to take 150iu in the morning but I will take 225iu at night--they are having to call me in MORE meds because due to this up-age (if that's a word) I will be running short...

I go back Friday for another ultrasound and more blood work. 

I asked him if he felt we were still on track for retrieval NEXT week (I can't believe we are so close already!) He said yes--I could go a day earlier, right one track or a day later...but he thinks it will officially be next week--I have an appt Monday and he said we will know more of an 'exact' date then!

OK---not gonna lie---I'M NERVOUS!!! A lot has been going on lately---A LOT!!!!

I found out yesterday that Talbots; where I work; where I am getting this amazing insurance; the place that has brought my dreams to reality and the reason why we have been able to do this IVF is closing there doors July 24th!!!!! I will be without a job---I will 'HOPEFULLY' be pregnant looking for a job--I am trying my best to not stress and worry; Zach told me to phone all my friends and family and we will let them do the job hunting and stressing for us while we focus on this journey right now! But I would be lieing if I said I wasn't scared! We had a 15K allowance on our IVF for a lifetime; after this cycle is over we would have JUST enough for a FET cycle--well if this cycle doesn't work I am not sure if we can squeeze another cycle in before July 24th. 

I'm a little freaked out...I don't even want to imagine that this cycle doesn't work! I can't even bare that thought--I talked to my Dr. today and told him our situation and he said 'well do everything we can'. He is an amazing Dr. who I know will bend through hurdles for us...I am just on edge right now...

I'm emotional from the shots; I'm a little nervous that our cycle isn't where it needs to be although my Dr. seemed so happy with it...and I'm so scared about whats next for me as for a job!??? 

So much going on and yet I am trying to remain positive--please say a special prayer for us right now--please pray my ovaries corporate as well as my lining...please pray that this cycle works and please pray that God guides me in the right direction as far as a job---and please pray for strength!!!

God doesn't put you through more than you can handle....God doesn't put you through more than you can handle.... repeat....repeat...repeat!!

A Good Day

First and foremost; Happy Mothers Day to my amazing mother, to my fabulous step-mom, to my sweet mother in law and the most wonderful grandmothers on earth! I have alot of motherly women in my life--all who mean the world to me! TODAY I HONOR YOU!

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us- when struggles stare us in the face; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us in our time of need; when trouble thickens around us, mom is always there!!

THANK YOU! Each of you! Thank you for being my best friend, thank you for being my support throughout this journey--thank you for being you and loving me!!!

Happy Mothers Day to my sweet friends; the ones who have beat infertility, the ones who never had to face infertility, the ones who have angle babies, and the ones who are still trying! 

Mothers Day has always been a hard day for me--this year I can honestly say i do NOT feel like crawling in a hole for the day--I feel ok! I feel hopeful! I feel like a mom (although are babies are still in the making)...

Today IS a good day! 

OUR Rainbow

' Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.'

 I woke up this morning went to the restroom to do my daily rituals only to come back to my bedroom to my phone playing this song--I must have hit the 'youtube' button or something when I turned my alarm off. 

 This little song ran through my head all morning..

I had my baseline ultrasound this morning; I couldn't stop thinking about 'dreams that you date to dream Really do come true' the whole way there--as I have mentioned before my emotions are on a crazy high right now. EVERYTHING (and I am not just exaggerating) makes me cry! On the way to the hospital I started praying...before I knew it I was sobbing--praying and driving (not a good combination for someone who doesn't like driving on the interstate) 

I got myself put together and went in for my appointment! It went great! Dr. W said I am right one track (awesome!!!)-everything is going great! I do have some follicles that are growing which once I start stimulating my ovaries this Sunday they will grow even more! My estradiol level is right where they want it (it needed to be less than 60 today and mine was right around 30 which is perfect!)--the only not so great thing is when they took my blood they blew my vein--OUCH! I have NEVER had my vein blown--it does not feel good! 

So what now? I add 2 more shots a day starting Sunday and go back for another appointment next Wednesday. 

When he left he told me 'Happy Mothers Day'...I just looked at him; he said 'You ARE a Mother you know it; we are creating your babies right now'...I cried (shocker huh??) He looked at me and said 'Hang in there--there is a rainbow after every storm'  

O-M-G did he just say that!?! I had chills go up my spine--and cried some more (hey I'm really emotional right now!)

Someone told me earlier today that by the end of June I will be a mommy (I hope there right) but the thought of that is so surreal; I can't imagine myself pregnant--partly because 'not' being pregnant is all I know. I'm excited about our future--whatever it may hold! 

I'm ready for our Rainbow--where dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true!!

 

Hangin' On

Zach looked at me the other night and said he has this gut feeling everything will work out and we will become parents very shortly. I hope he is right! A) because I want to become a mommy more than anything in this world but B) because I know he will be devastated if this cycle doesn't work; likewise for me.

Although I have vowed to myself and to Zach to not think negative about this cycle; I would be lying if there wasn't those thoughts that ran through my head periodically throughout this course. I'm human! As much as I pray; as much as I want this--this may not be what He wants for us--and although I will not understand that I will have to accept that. But right now I can't even bring myself to bear those thoughts. 

I am literary hanging onto faith!!!

I have to be honest--Zach and I have caught ourselves thinking about nurseries...about names...about everything you would think about if you are pregnant. We quickly catch ourselves and quit in fear we will jinx ourselves--but mostly in fear that if this doesn't work we will have set ourselves up for a deeper sadness. 

Every night after my shots Zach gives my belly a little kiss and says a little prayer for my 'eggies'--I can't began to tell you how grateful I am for him. There is NO way I could go through all this without him... (can I be honest for a second???) This whole IVF thing is not all fun and games; in fact there really isn't much fun in it at all...but it's so worth every pain, every ugly side effect, every bit of bloating, every bit of night sweats (which I get alot!), it's worth every awful headache...it's worth every bit of every bad thing thats happening to be right now; it's worth it all when I see how much he loves me knowing how great of a father he will be!! I'm amazed at how Zach is so understanding at my outburst in tears (because that happens quite frequently as well) He is great; and without him this wouldn't be happening!!

I've learned throughout my journey that Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to!

And right now, more than any other time thats all were holding onto! FAITH! 

God has a special plan for us; I've believed in that all along...I do not know if this is His plan or not; and although this hasn't proven to be a 'fun' journey I'm enjoying it--it's memories that we will NEVER forget thats for sure!!! My momma always says 'KEEP THE FAITH' and thats what I'm trying to do!!

(don't forget if you are interested in winning a $100 head over to my review blog by clicking HERE)

Puppy LOVE (Giveaway)

See these 3 adorable dogs?????

THEY ARE BEYOND SPOILED!!!!

I had an opportunity to review an amazing product and you know what else....I am able to give one of y'all a $100 visa gift card!!!! Wanna know more?!?!!?!?

CLICK HERE...but you better hurry before time runs out!!!

Funnies & a Giveaway

 I wanted to list a couple funny moments that Zach and I have had so far on this journey (mostly for memories sake of posting them)

Zach had to go to Temple last Thursday to drop off his 'sample' for the freezing process...WELL I was off and I was going to sleep (because thanks to this shot my sleep has been tossed out the window; although I'm always tired and feel like I could fall asleep standing up I cant sleep when it's time to sleep!!) However about 7am my phone starting ringing; it was Zach---I hear on the other end of the line 'I need you to come to Temple now please; I locked my keys in my car'....so although at the time this was FAR from funny--it's actually quite humorous now. IF you know me in real life you know 1) I hate driving 2) I hate driving long distances 3) I hate driving long distances by myself  and 4) I have NO sense of direction which is why I hate driving long distances and by myself....so although our clinic is only 30  minutes down the road and pretty much a straight shot I was not anticipating driving there on I35 by myself...however off I went to rescue my husband!! I made it and thankfully I feel confident in driving there again by myself! :)

Funny two--last night we met some friends I used to work with for dinner at 7:30 (our shot time is 8pm)...so we knew we would be having to take the shot with us; no biggie we thought...we could just run out to the car--give me a quick shot and head back in! We parked right out front so we it would be convenient with us running out to give me a shot (mistake #1)...at 8 we headed out; Zach said get in the back seat so we both hopped in the back seat; was in there a total of a minute at the most and hopped back out to go in....WHEN we hopped out of the car EVERYONE on the patio of the restaurant (which was right in front of where we were parked was staring at us) What they thought we were doing is beside me? I don't know; but I can honestly say I was mortified; I didn't make eye contact---I hurried in and then burst in laughter (note to self NEVER park in front during a shot run!!)

Knowing my husband and I--I am SURE I will have more funnies; it's just a give with us!! But for know thats it!

I DO HOWEVER--have AMAZING NEWS! Tomorrow there will be a FAN-TABULOUS giveaway on my review blog....what is fan-tabulous about it your asking?????? What about a $100 visa giftcard?!?!?!?! YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT!!!! I will be giving away $100 to a lucky reader! The blog will air at 7am (CST) sooo be sure to check it out!!!!