Life with Iphone Pics

I realize I haven’t posted pictures on my blog in about…FOREVER! I have just updated y’all with events going on…so I thought I would share some photos with you all backing from October (to catch up) I will try to update  y’all on 'Iphone pics’ more frequently. (I’ve tried to get them in order, but it wasn’t happening…so sorry about the out of order-ness)

 

Ash and I supporting or Baylor Bears! Zach and I got season tickets this year and went to EVERY home game! We are very proud of our Bears and very proud of RG3 for winning the Heisman!

More BAYLOR BEAR PICS!

We tried to take a picture at every game…

there was one game it rained the whole time, so no picture was captured…

LOVING OUR BAYLOR BEARS!!

Setting up for Christmas time…loving my new chunky picture frames!

And as you know we took our family photos

Went to Branson, MO and went zip lining with Zach’s family!

Snuggling on the couch with my sweet Ginger girl!

Zach got a new pair of Cowboy boots and Ginger had to try them on

Of course the last 3 months have consisted of many meds with me being so sick

Thanksgiving Day heading to my family’s house…

 

Me Ziplining like a pro!

Being goofy traveling!

And last but not least, Zach zip lining…doing his Heisman move that he predicted RG3 would win!!!

Ear Update & Christmas Presents

I had my appointment with my ENT yesterday....turns out I have a cyst deep down in my ear which is causing all of my pain. Although the ER stated my infection and my inner ear problems were not connected and purely coincidental, my ENT said they are very well connected. In fact my primary kept connecting it to my sinus infections and that he was was just coincidental, not connected at all.

Turns out the infection in my ear is the cyst way of wanting to heal...he is hoping after a month on my medicine my cyst will be gone. However if that's not the case, the only other way to remove it is surgery. 

I am just glad to know what is going on and hope the pain starts getting better. 

On another note....CHRISTMAS!!

 I am having a hard time getting everyone's gifts this year....is it just me?? I feel like there isn't anything 'new' out that I haven't given to people before...I'm a manager at a jeweler y store, everyone should be set in stone and covered right?? WRONG! I am normally the person who is almost done Christmas shopping by September or October...I hit up all the 75% off sales after Christmas and store them away until the following Christmas...I found a few things last year, but not a whole lot....and with me working 6-7 days a week it's hard to find time to actually shop....My sweet husband went out on Black Friday for me to find me some great deals since I was unable to do so this year due to work...but I am no where near done with Christmas just a couple weeks away! 

PANIC ATTACK!

Please tell me I am not alone!!! :)

Scary Moment

I had a pretty scary moment Tuesday night..

Let me back track a little by reminding those who may have forgotten I have been struggling with fluid behind my eardrum for roughly 3-4 months...my appointment with the ENT is next Tuesday...I have good days with my ear and bad days. Well Tuesday all day I kept mentioning how bad my ear was hurting, I remember apologizing to my co-workers for having to listen to me grip so much about it that day. I however never touched my ear nor did I look at it (I had no reason to think I needed too, I just associated the pain with my earaches.)

Well Tuesday night I go to pull up my hair to wash my face and  my left ear is bright red and appears to have several blister type things on it (I will spare the details here as they are not pleasant)...I knew in my gut something wasn't right and that my ear looked extremely infected...I told Zach to take me to the urgent care down the road hoping it would still be open so I wouldn't have to go to the ER. However they were closed, so off to the ER we went...

When they were registering me my blood pressure spiked to 200/90---I sat for a little longer and they checked it again, it went down a little to 185/87...they were still concerned so they got me to a room ASAP. 

Long story short they took many cultures of my ear (OUCH!)--they believed it was Staph and were nervous with it being so close to my brain...I sat in there for hours until my blood pressure went down , they associated my high blood pressure with the pain I was in due to my infection.

I was sent home with strict orders, wash sheets every day, come in if my fever spikes...all the precautionary things in case it was the worse case scenario. 

I got the call from the hospital today that I do NOT have staph or anything else contagious, I just have a really severe skin infection which with my antibiotics will go away! THANK GOD!

Needless to say the past couple days haven't been to pleasant on my end, it was pretty scary! 

Thank God for nothing serious!

Breaking Points...

The past few weeks have been rough. I feel as though I'm on verge of a breaking point. Alots going on in life, I'm working 6-7 days a week through the holidays...my moms having some rough moments with her health and I feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders...

It doesn't help that this week will mark the 6th year since my Pepa passed away, and I can't help but think about my little beans we lost this year. This has been a rough year all around, one that at times I wish I could just forget but at times I want to always remember...a year that will be imbedded in my heart forever. 

I know that God places us in 'storms' for a reason, I know that 'storms' pass within time, and I do know and believe that after every storm there is a rainbow...

As I was crying and praying the other night, Zach interrupted me and said 'don't pray for an easy life Tiffany, Pray to be a stronger women' He is so right! At times I catch myself praying for things to be 'fair' or for things to get 'easier' when I should really be praying for strength to go through these storms. After all I was placed in these storms for a reason.

God knows my limits, and I must not act like he is pushing me to break...I should just trust that he will catch me if I fall.

Christmas time is near…

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Can you believe that Christmas is just around the corner? Where in the world did this year go? I have been working 6 days a week and starting this week I will be working 7 straight days, granted my Sundays are only 4 hour days—but still, that’s a long time with no break between!

SO, if I am quite within the next few weeks, please forgive me…this gal’ is wore out!

I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving!!

 

Thankful-Weather

We had a CRAZY summer this year, very hot! 60+ consecutive days at 100+ I believe...

I am very thankful for cooler weather! In TX we don't have much of a winter, we may see a small amount of snow if were lucky! 

But it's been so nice bundling up in blankets (I wish sitting by a fireplace-don't have one) I can't wait to make chili in the crock-pot along with all of our other winter recipes. This time of the year is one of my favorites! 

So thankful for the crisp air <3

Thankful-Life in General

Life can be hard at times, not everything is picture perfect---but this is MY life, and I am extremely blessed and thankful! I am thankful for the many groups of people who have prayed for our family, even some we haven’t ever met in person! ‘Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting’…you all will never know how extremely thankful I am for y’all! I once read somewhere to ‘Be thankful for what you have, you’ll end up having more…if you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough!’ God’s plan for us, and each of you, is so very special…this plan was created for us long before we were born…I know each of us would have changed a few things given we were the option to plan our own life…however this is beyond our control. Sitting here looking back there are so many things I have overcome, so many people I have met, so many wonderful memories with friends and family, and all because of this journey…so although I wouldn’t have picked this plan out myself, I am so thankful God did! Thank you God, for this good life, thank you God for all the blessing and the abundance in my life!

I catch myself many of times counting my blessings and thanking God for my amazing life…but it’s not many days I remember to thank others in my life for being there and being there for me! This year has been one of the hardest through this journey, however it was one of the best as well…I want to personally thank all of my blog readers. You ladies/gentlemen never seize to amaze me…I never in a million years would have expected my boring ol’ life to bring so many friendships my way! I am so thankful for our emails, I am so thankful for the prayers you give my family and I am so thankful for all the sweet comments that you all leave me! I’m beyond grateful for y’all!

This Thanksgiving Season, let's remember what we truly have to be thankful for. Let's take a good, hard look around us and realize that while we may not have everything we want, what we want is not always what we need.

Thankful-Starbucks

YES, you heard that right....Starbucks! I am thankful for this little cup of heaven!

Whether it's my holiday favorites, or my vanilla latte, or the numerous of other flavors-I am thankful for the magic placed in this cup. I could be in an awful mood, be having the worst day, but the moment this cup is in my hand I have a smile on my face :)

Oh Starbucks...what was life like without you :)

Thankful-Friends

A true friend is the greatest of all blessings!

Over the years I have been blessed with some amazing friends. I am so grateful and so thankful for the the friendships we have. Call me biased but I believe I have some of the greatest :)

When you hit a speed bump in your life, you quickly learn who your true friends are and who aren't, you quickly learn how amazing your friends truly are. They are apart of our family--a true support system to Zach and I. We would be lost without them.

They send us cards in the mail to cheer us up or to just say 'hi', bring us homemade pickles because they know that's our favorite, give me my  IVF shots in the mall bathroom because we lost track of time, send us sweet emails/messages throughout hard times and good, send us flowers to work or leave them on our door step as good-luck/I'm thinking of you. Our friends know what we need in the moments we need it the most, our friends may not know are particular journey but they know how to listen when we need that shoulder to cry on. We are thankful for them, each and everyone. God blessed us with amazing friends.

Thankful-Infertility

I KNOW, most of my readers are probably saying 'WHAT??' at the moment....but hear me out!

Without the struggles we have encountered with infertility we wouldn't be where we are today in life. We wouldn't be as close as we are to God. Our marriage has grown extremely close throughout the 5+ years we have been trying to conceive. We don't know why God picked us for this journey, but he did and we are beyond thankful due to the personal growth in our lives. 

I am thankful for all the tears that I have cried for they have taught me to appreciate laughter, and they have given me the ability to see that joy comes shortly after. Through my tears I have come to know and trust in God, how he is always there and comforts you in your sorrows. I am thankful for the storms in life that I have encountered, knowing that the rainbow is at the end. I am thankful for the peace and realization that they are only temporary storms and with time they will end.

Thankful-Puppies

These 3 little doggies are so very special to us!

We are thankful for there sweet little kisses and there playfulness! They bring joy to our hearts and much laughter to our lives!

Thankful-Family

God has blessed Zach and I both with AMAZING families. 

Our parents, siblings, grandparents and everyone else is truly greater than great!  Family is everything to Zach and I. While going through infertility we learned to lean on them more than ever as they became our ultimate support system, they became our foundation when we couldn't stand up and move forward...when we were weak they helped us smile, they taught us that life will go on and as long as we believe in Faith our prayers will be answered.

Family is truly EVERYTHING. We are Thankful for ours!

Thankful-Husband

I not only married my soul mate, I married my best friend.

 

And for that I am beyond thankful! 

Zach is my world, he loves me for me. We have had our share of hurdles throughout the years, but I am so thankful that God has chosen him for me to ride with throughout these hurdles!

He knows just how to put a smile on my face, and is my biggest support system throughout my lowest of lows...he is the light of my life!

Thankful-God

I am starting a little late, however I am going to try to post (as often as I can) this month about the many things I am thankful for in life. 

I have many reasons to be Thankful for our glorifying God--mostly I am so thankful for all he has blessed me with. I am so thankful that he has taught me how to be patient, and how strong he has helped me be during my toughest of tough times. 

So during this Thanksgiving season, I am thankful for a loving, caring, and Big God who loves us for us!!

M.I.A

Sorry that I have been M.I.A. lately...we have been busy little bees!

I hate doing 'bullet' post and feel like thats all I've done recently, but to catch you up....here is our lives in bullets!

*I was sick the whole week before last with a horrible sinus infection, I am almost 100% again, but it's still lingering around...

*Last Saturday we left for Branson, MO to meet his parents and grandparents there....we had a blast! We went ziplining (AMAZING...this was one of the scariest things I've ever done, but it was by far one of the most enjoyable things as well...), we went to so many shows--one of my favorites was Yakov Smirnoff (I thought this was just going to be mostly comedy, but it was much more than we could have imagined it would have been. The whole 2nd half was dedicated to marriage, struggles and how to keep a healthy relationship...before we knew it Zach and I, along with most of his family was in tears...this is a show I highly recommend to anyone going to Branson, esp. if your going with your spouse! We did alot of other things as well--this is a town we will be going back to several times! We enjoyed it that much! 

*My mom had to have semi' emergency surgery while we were gone--that stressed me out for a whole day! She is perfectly ok, so no worries---she just had a little infection going from her last surgery-enough to concern the doctors to want to do the surgery asap! She is in a little more pain this go around due to them digging around in her lower back to make sure all of the infection is out, however she is at home relaxing doing ok!

* As most of you have seen the video in my last post we have had our family pictures done and we love every one of them! Our photographer does an amazing job--we do have another mini' session coming up soon that I am excited about due to the fact that our first session was cut short due to the rain! 

* Zach and I have decided that early next year we will be doing another IVF. We however we will not be announcing it, so if you don't read this post then you likely will not know about it when it becomes closer..if you read this post consider yourself one of the few that will know about our upcoming journey. We appreciated the support more than anything our first go around, but we just want this time around to be more private...only a handful of close family and friends will know the actual date--and plus if God should choose that this time it actually works we will be able to surprise our loved ones like we have always wanted, unlike our first go around where there really is no room for surprise. I thank you all in advance for understanding and supporting us throughout everything. Means more than you know!! <3

* Other than that...we are just living our crazy-hectic-busy-beautiful life...

I do apologize for being so M.I.A and hopefully now things will be settling down and I will be able to blog more---AND if my computer will ever cooperate I will be able to post a TON of pictures! :)

Simply Beautiful

Our photographer made this for us, it's simply beautiful! I love it!

COVERGIRL LashPerfection Mascara

 I have never been  big on caking on layers and layers of makeup. However I am defiantly one who wants to wear the basics before I step outside of the house and scare our neighbors at my zombie-ish looks!

Mascara is the #1 'must have' for me...my eyelashes are pencil straight without anything!! I have struggled with many name brands in mascara (from the most expensive to the least expensive)...I want you to be able to see my eyelashes, but no need to look like I have a tarantula living on my eye! However years ago when I was still in highschool I found that COVERGIRL mascara worked wonders for my straight eyelashes, it stayed on...no fading and no tarantula eyes for me! I have been a loyal customer for years it has seemed!

So I was beyond thrilled when BlogHer asked if I would consider a review for COVERGIRL LashPerfection™!

I received the COVERGIRL LashPerfection™ mascara in the mail the day before we were heading to a local event The Cattle Barrons Ball to see Dwight Yoakam, as I was a little nervous to try out a new mascara (even being it's from COVERGIRL) I decided to go for it!

Below is a picture of one of my best friends Ashley and I at the concert--I am loving the mascara!

My husband jokes around because I was so “addicted” to my other COVERGIRL mascara (and when I say addicted, I mean ADDICTED- -I didn't go a day without wearing it!) that I was a little unsure if I would be able to convert wholeheartedly to this new one... but I have used it every single day so far! It's absolutely amazing! In fact, Zach loves it much more because of how NATURAL it is! My eyelashes are 3x as long and voluminous as they were before.

COVERGIRL LashPerfection™ is so lightweight, I have received so many compliments throughout family and friends on how natural my eyelashes look. People are complimenting me on how long they are--the formula in this mascara is so lightweight that it provides luxurious volume that helps keep lashes feeling soft and lifted--you do not have to worry about flaking like most products--and it doesn't smear or smudge either!!

I personally think all the magic is in the brush!! It seems to capture just 'enough' mascara for your eyelashes, nothing more-nothing less!!! 

What would the world be without products such as COVERGIRL LashPerfection™ to make a woman feel beautiful? While we’re on the subject of make-up and looking great, you might want to check out the “Looking Your Best” posts in the Life Well Lived section of BlogHer.com. There are some great application tips and ideas for switching up your look for fall!

Want a chance to win a $50 gift card to drugstore.com? In the comments, tell me about a time when using makeup gave you the added confidence you needed for an important event in your life

Rules:

No duplicate comments.

You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:

a)      Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post

b)     Tweet about this promotion and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post

c)       Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post

d)      For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older.

Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail.

You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

Enter between October 4th – November 4th

Letting Go...

I've always been one to live by the saying 'Let Go and Let God'! Throughout this 5+ years I've done amazingly well with having patience with God's plan for us, I've had Faith and have done very well with Letting Go and Letting God...however since our failed IVF, I haven't Let God do much of anything due to the fact I haven't been able to Let Go!!

I think it's safe to say after 4 months I am ready to LET GO-- there is an important difference between letting go and giving up--letting go doesn't mean giving up--it just means I am ready to move on!

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned in order to accept the life that is waiting for us. Will I still think about things-YES...will I still shed tears every now and then-SURE...will the thought that I was 'a little' pregnant for a short period of time ever leave my heart-NO....but  I will be ok, hurdles in life only make you stronger and I have to admit this was one of the biggest hurdles we've been through.

When one door closes another opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which are now open for us.We will eventually have another door open; I don't want to miss it due to the fact that I can't let go of the door that just closed.

God has slowly provided me strength to move forward and to let go...and that's just what we are doing!

To me...From me

Dear Tiffany,

I know your pain, I know how bad your heart aches, I know more than anything you want to tell your husband that he is going to be a daddy. I know you want to be the best friend, daughter, sister, grand daughter and wife you can possibly be...but it's hard to feel your best when you feel like a failure. I understand that emptiness you have in your heart and although you live a happy life with your sweet husband you still have that hole in your heart that awaits the day it's filled with a blessing from God. 

At times you forget that big picture, you forget that God trusted you with this journey...at times you feel like your being punished--but I can assure you that this will only make you and Zach stronger. It's ok to be weak at times--being weak does not make you a bad person, nor a bad wife (friend-daughter-sibling). Your dream will always defeat your reality if YOU give it a chance. Hang in there-DON'T ever give up. Cling to God, your husband and your closest support system...

Stars can't shine without darkness Tiffany! You will get through this!!

Love-Tiffany

Can I be Honest?

Sorry I have been MIA for awhile--I just have had a million and one things on my mind and when I sit down to write about things, no words seem to come out.

This is a hard post for me to write. So many look at me to be 'strong' or to be inspirational, I feel like I am letting so many down by even saying this...but I am so weak right now!

Momma went to the hospital and had to stay a couple night last week--she is OK and Thank the Good Man upstairs that it was nothing to serious, but it's just so hard. I am the only child-I don't have other siblings to help me with decision or just plan and simple taking care of her--it's hard. I feel so alone and drained (emotionally and physically) at times. And just saying that following sentence makes me feel like the WORST daughter ever.  I miss my 'mommy' though...for as long as I can remember I have been taking care of her--it's so selfish of me knowing her situation and knowing she would give anything to be back to her normal state of mind for me to even say--' I need her to take care of me now'...She tries so hard, and she does do a good job, but I also don't unleash all my feelings and worries and sadness to her in fear of just upsetting her even more--I hold my feelings in so much in fear of upsetting the ones I love, I don't want to be that 'debbie downer daughter/friend/spouse'...everyone tells me how strong I am and in reality I feel anything but that!

On another subject of why I feel so blue--my body still hasn't gotten back on the right track (well...backtrack a moment, my body has never been on the right track, but hasn't gotten back on the track at least it knew...) since my IVF. I just want to move forward, but I still find myself getting so sad over things, really disliking my body...blaming myself for it not working. ((YOU DON'T have to say it, its not my fault and I DO KNOW that...but during my 'whyyyy me moments' I do blame myself)) It's just hard...and if I can be honest with you---I have been so weak, still so broken. How can something that never even 'happened' be holding onto my heart and not letting go?! Does the pain ever go away?

One of my best friends sent me the following quote the other day when all I could do was cry: 'Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength' ....

I know things happen for a reason---I know dark times DO disappear--I know that time heals all pain and the climb of life does get easier. I know that God has a plan for everyone and our moment will come in his time--I know that my family and friends truly love me and I know I am so very grateful to be surrounding by such amazing love and support.

I just don't know why this has to hurt so bad...I wish I could be superwoman at times and shield away all the pain and be as strong as some think I am! :(

Our Life in Bullets

First let me apologize for my lack of blogging ...life has been a whirlwind lately...

* I started my new job (well not 'new'...it's where I worked before Talbots, I'm blessed that I was able to have my old job back, making more than I was making then plus now I have my weekends back off!) But things have just been crazy, I jumped into learning new things since I left, plus we are planning a business trip for next week...it's been a busy couple weeks!

* My brother in law lived in Austin which is a couple hours from us, well he decided to move back to our town--and until he is able to get an apt with friends he is staying with us. So last weekend we went down and packed up everything he owns to put it in storage while he lives with us---that was an exhausting weekend! Although due to all of our work schedules we hardly have seen him this week it's nice that we get to see him more than the normal. 

* My mom has been having some issues with her feet, she has been in alot of pain lately and just very uncomfortable....so any prayers you can send this way would be much appreciated.

* Zach's family is planning a trip to Branson, Missouri in October, however I am unsure if I will be able to go or not...Zach may have to make this trip without me which makes me so sad--we will see though, it all depends on when my bosses trip falls in Oct and thats what were waiting to see. 

*We have family pictures coming up next in September for this years Christmas cards (yes I know I can't believe the holidays are literally right around the corner!!) I LOVE getting our pictures professionally done--I may be a little 'over' excited for pictures, but I can't help myself!!

* I have fallen in love with 2 'fads' the past week.... #1 the feather, I finally caved and got one in my hair and I love it! #2 Shellac Nails....AMAZING! I love manicures, mostly because of the whole massage and how great my nails feel afterwords, but I always veered to fake nails only because I can't stand it when my polish chips....well have no fear Shellac is here! It's GREAT!!!

*My brother turned 15 yesterday! Where does the time go?!? He starts High School a little later this month---CRAZY! We are going over to there house tonight to celebrate his birthday!!! And speaking of High School, my 10 year reunion is next summer---SCARY to think it's already been 10 years!!

* Well I am sure I am leaving some things out, but pretty much that's my life in bullet points at this moment in time! Nothing very interesting-- I tried to post some pictures but blogger is being fussy at the moment! And I have received everyone's emails and request to be added to the Infertility Support Tab....I promise I am working on that and if your name isn't already up there it will be soon! :)

Infertility Support

I have had an out pour of emails regarding infertility support...some wanting on my infertility support tab--others wanting to know good forums to help communicate with infertility couples.

IF you are not under my infertility tab for either 'support in trying to conceive' OR 'a success story' AND YOU WANT TO BE---either leave your information in the comment section below or send me an email to tapifer@grandecom.net

IF you know of another website that you love to go to that helps you cope with your infertility, a chat room-forum-research website-book-ANYTHING ... leave it in my comment section or email it to me and I will compile a list and post them.

So many infertiles have been on this road for years...others are just starting down this difficult path. I remember back when we first started trying I couldn't find anything online for the longest time--I felt so alone (and still do at times today!)  Finally I flocked to a few websites-- iampregnant.com, fertilityfriend.com and www.twoweekwait.com . I found life time friends on these websites whom I still talk to today--although I don't get on any of these sites anymore and haven't for awhile they helped me so much in the begining! 

So if you have anything you want to share that has helped you throughout this journey--please leave it in the comment section or email it to me and I will compile a post shortly!

<3

Feeling Forgotten

I feel like this is deja vu--I've had these feelings many of times; and especially lately. 

Maybe it's me? Maybe I am just supposed to assume that my friends and family will still pop in every so often to check on me...maybe it's my fault and I am being selfish. Maybe I should be completely over things and not be sad every now and then...maybe I'm being to emotional?!

I just feel alone at times (until I open up blogger and see so many blogger friends in my same situation). I feel like my family and friends only stand by my side during the exciting times-such as going through the actual cycles--but right now when I am struggling on certain days they are no where to be found. At times I pick up the phone to call my family or friends just to hear a voice hoping they might say 'were still thinking of you'...but I hang up before hitting send because I want oh so bad for there call to be on there behalf-not mine. 

Sometimes I feel like screaming off the rooftops 'I STILL NEED YOU' but then if they all come running it won't be the same as if they came on there own...

And then I go back to blaming myself for being selfish again--should I still need them? Why is this so hard? Maybe it's all me? Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I could pop straight into another cycle...but I can't. Instead I'm left reminiscing about our failed cycle--I don't know where I would be in that cycle, so often I wonder and try to figure it out, but stop myself because I don't want to know. At times I want to forget like everyone else has seemed to do, but I can't. 

I have never been one to hide my feelings inside--esp. from my close friends and family! But here lately I have been--I feel so alone, and like I am supposed to be 100% ok now...some of my own CLOSE family hasn't called me in weeks--my heart is sad and I honestly just want it to smile ALL day again. 

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post--please don't think I am 'depressed' I do live a happy life, and I am so blessed for my husband who continues to put a huge smile on my face every day--but it hurts when your close family and friends have seemed to have forgotten about you--and again, maybe it's my fault for not being over things yet?!

::SIGH::

Why?

If you ever need a surrogate, I'll happily be one...

Why don't you just adopt...

If you stop trying it will happen, it did with us...

Just get drunk, then it will happen...

Your trying extremely too hard, just give it up...

Want to borrow my kids for the weekend, after that you will change your mind about wanting children...

Your still so young, enjoy life kid free...

JUST RELAX...

Your not infertile, you just need a break...

Get one of your friends to carry your baby for you...

It's just not your time...

WHY must people feel the need to put there foot in there mouth...WHY must comments such as the above hurt SO bad? 

After 5 years of trying to conceive our first child we HAVE relaxed, we have went on SEVERAL breaks, we have considered adoption and surrogacy (just because we haven't acted upon these, does not mean there not in the back of our minds). We DON'T want to borrow YOUR kids, we want to have our own...but thanks for asking! I'm sure many of our friends would be more than willing to carry our baby, but I would like the opportunity to carry my own child...we are young-but frankly age doesn't matter, when your ready your ready!! I'm so glad that you got pregnant when you stopped trying, but the stork DIDN'T visit us in the 2 year break we had...and after 5 years of trying to conceive and being diagnosed INFERTILE by a Reproductive Endocrinology, I beg to differ--we don't 'just need a break'!

I understand your only trying to be nice, and you don't know what else to say...but in a situation like this it helps so much more to just sit and listen to US TALK, give us a hug, let us know you are there...do anything BUT say any of the above. We are still grieving the lose of our 2 little beans, this is harder than anything we have experienced...all we ask is that you please be sensitive.

Our Defining Ripples..

It started out as a pebble. . .  infertility that is.

Months went by without a pregnancy..it felt like I was dropping a pebble into water, which fogged my view to the biggest desire I've ever held--to become a mother!

But as the months continued to pass-Zach and I jumped over more and more milestones...our little pebble that we were carrying around turned into a huge rock--no longer was my vision only fogged; the ripples in the water became not only recongnizable to Zach and I, but now our friends and family could see our pain and desire to be parents. 

Here within the last few months it feels as though my rock has now turned into a boulder.

There is no denying how far the ripples stretch out, how much of the water is disturbed, and how long it takes to get the water to find its natural rhythm again--there is no denying our pain.

Infertility has had a direct impact on all areas of our life.  It has infiltrated everything. The pain and emotional stress, not to mention the physical toll...all are symbolic of the ripples created when something comes crashing into water.  Although we try, at times it's hard to keep the ripples in control. At times the weight of infertility increases on our hearts and it feels as though the ripples are drowning us out.

Each failed cycle it gets more and more difficult to settle the water.  It takes longer to find the peace.

I have come to terms with the fact that I can not control the size of the ripples, I can’t reign them in or act like they don’t exist.  And I don’t necessarily have control over the weight of this difficult time. The ripples have infiltrated, yes.  But they have also expanded me way beyond what I ever thought possible- and I don’t want to reign that in.

Everyone's ripples in life help to define them as a human being. Although at times our ripples seem never ending, I try to see the beauty in the artwork that it leaves. Regardless of the weight of the rock I hold, I have to find a way to skip that rock- allowing infertility to bounce off of the surface once in awhile. 

Reality Show Junkie

Who watches BIG BROTHER or BACHELORETT?!

I admit, I am a reality show junkie!! I love them!!

On Big Brother, I am defiantly a Jeff and Jordan fan, so I was thrilled to see them walk back in the door!! And on Bachelorette I'm lovin' JP!! If you watch either show I'd love to hear your input!!! Who do you dislike/love?! Who do you think is going to win?

GOOD NEWS--I start back at my old job next Monday...so NO MORE liquidation for me!! I am off all this week, its nice having a little time off, I laid out a little bit today, going to spend the day with my mom one day...everything that's been neglected in my house is finally getting cleaned! :)

Whats new with us?

Not a whole lot actually...

We have stayed pretty busy with work and on our days off. Work has been a nightmare; we are liquidating everything, and I am job searching like non-other! If I had a penny for every time someone asked me the sale prices (although they are plastered on the 500 signs hanging from the ceilings) I could retire now! Zach's job has been crazy busy as well--he has been working 12+ hour days; I am exhausted from my 8-9 hour day, and here he is working double that...I am so proud of everything he does for us! He is such a hard worker, and amazing hubby! 

Thankfully within the past month we have been busy on our days off as well...maybe this is God's way of keeping our minds off of things....

When I do get a free moment and time to even think, I have to admit that's all I think about...I know with time the pain will disappear completely and I will just be left with the memories we made along the way. In the mean time I am thankful that we are busy!!

We have been thinking and talking about alot of options lately, one that is weighing heavily on our heart...we will see where that takes us-God has a path painted perfectly with our name on it, and we are just praying for guidance on which path to take!

We have had an out pour of emails within the last 2 weeks; I promise I WILL respond to everyone, so please don't think I am ignoring you...I just have an inbox full of sweet messages from y'all :)

Looking In

"There is a beautiful chateau in the middle of the woods.  As I approach it, I am smiling.  I can see the warm glow from within.  There’s a chill in the air and it is starting to rain, so the comforting glow is more than a little inviting.  I am drawn to the chateau.  Its magical and charming.  Maybe this time I’ll be allowed inside.  I feel the chill in the air deepen and there’s a familiar voice in my head telling me to turn around, that its not worth it.  But, if I don’t try to enter, I will never know what awaits for me inside.  Don’t misunderstand; I have seen what awaits me. It is glorious.   But, for some reason I am not allowed to enter.  I have looked through the glass and what I have seen keeps me coming back for just one more try. 

There have even been times when I have found what I thought must be the key.  I usually stumble upon these keys after I have been searching for quite some time.  Just when I think that all hope is lost, a key will appear.  I think, “This is it!  This MUST be it!”  I usually run as quickly as I can to the chateau.  I have been waiting to enter for quite some time, for years in fact.  I run right up to the front door, I insert the key, my heart is so full of joy and hope that I feel as though it could pound right out of my chest.  ”This is it!”  I attempt to turn the key, but there is nothing.  Not a click left or right.  Nothing.

I sit down on the little bench outside of the window and I look in.  In these moments, when I was so close, when I’ve allowed myself to believe,  I feel most alone.  The rain is picking up and I am glad.  This way, they won’t see my tears.  I can see most of the women I know inside.  They are all there.  My best friends, my beloved family members, my colleagues, my neighbors, they are all inside.  I can watch them enjoy the warmth.  I am happy that they get to experience it, of course I am.  If I were jealous, that would be ugly of me, and I am not an ugly person.  I can observe the glow from afar but, for some reason, I have not been  granted entry.  I put my hand to the window as I sit and watch, all alone, tears rolling down my cheeks being met by raindrops.  ”Why am I not allowed inside?” I don’t understand.

Clearly they want me to enter.  Some of them come to the window and put their hands to mine, but we can’t really touch. For I am outside and they are in.   I see others holding back the tears in their eyes, trying to be strong for me.    And then, there are those who would trade places with me in heartbeat if they could.  But they cannot.  I am on the outside looking in.  I want to scream, to pound on the window and shake the door, but I can’t.  I just don’t have it in me.  My shoulders slump and I shake and sob.  For some unknown reason, I am not permitted to come inside, to experience what seems to be their given right.  It has become apart of who they are.  It is part of what defines them as women, yet I am forced to sit, and watch, and wonder, and wait.  Alone."

(I found this while searching the internet the other day; felt like it described infertility to a 'T', explaining what it's like for any women waiting to become a mother--kudos to the amazing person who wrote this)

Remembering...

As painful as it is, I want to remember everything.

From the shots, to the retrieval, to the transfer...

I love looking at pictures, reminiscing about the happiness that flowed through our hearts (even if it brings some tears)...

I don't want to forget anything. Because truth be known I'm scared we won't be able to do this again. I'm scared we won't see another IVF or even another positive pregnancy test. Maybe it's me being a little protective of my heart, call it being negative if you want--I'm just terrified of the unknown.

IVF is far from pleasant, it was such a hard journey--but I miss it! I want to do another one-NOW, I want another opportunity to have our miracle baby-NOW...I'm scared we won't get that. I'm terrified actually. 

I have faith in God's plan, always have and I always will...but I wouldn't be human if I wasn't scared of the unknown; and I surely wouldn't be normal if I wasn't sad about it not happening any time soon.

::Sigh:: I guess I'm just left remembering...

Father's Day

I wanted this post to be so different; I had an amazing day planned for my amazing husband--and I feel so bad that he is having to spend Fathers Day like this. My sweet husband may act very tough, even to me...but I know deep down how bad he is hurting today.

I do know that when God blesses us with a child my husband will make a terrific father; after my transfer Zach would kiss my stomach each night and morning, and pray for our sweet little beans. He would tell them  'Daddy loves you, hang in there', he was so very protective of me and our little beans. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man, one who I know will be one of the best fathers in the world! 

I could not have gone through this without Zach-he has been my support, he has held me up when I wanted to fall down. He is literally my rock and my strength! I love him with every beat of my heart; I know one day he will be a daddy, some how, someway...God will make that happen-I believe that and I can't wait till that day comes when he can experience fatherhood! 

So on Fathers Day, I honor my husband in so many different ways. He is MY inspiration throughout all of this. I love you honey!!!

(Happy Fathers day to our Dad's and sweet Grandpa's as well!!)

It's a step...

When I was testing positive for that wonderful week; I lined my test up on the back of the toilet and watched my lines get darker, all 20 test (yes I should own stock in pregnancy test)...but it's something about seeing those 2 pink lines that you just can't have enough of!

The day I realized things were headed south I put all my test in a zip-lock bag and put them in our cabinet. I couldn't yet throw them away in hopes that 'maybe just maybe' the negative test were faulty, but I couldn't stare at them due to the heartache it brought me.

The other day I was off work and decided to clean the whole house, including the cabinet. I sat down on the bathroom floor and laid out all of the test; I smiled as I put the test in ordered seeing those lines get darker. Even now it somehow brings warmth to my heart; and as I hit #19 and #20 my tears began to flow again--the heart ache of seeing that line disappear. 

How one little line can make a world of a difference....

I put them back in the bag and up in the cabinet; but then it dawned on me--why am I keeping these? These aren't my babies...this isn't going to bring me anything put sadness...this isn't going to make the pain go away.

So I grabbed them and stormed outside to throw them in the trash; the minute after I did that I regretted it---what if, just what if those are the only positives I ever see...maybe I should have held onto them! Just in case you know?!

I wept in confusion, I wept because I missed seeing those 2 pink lines. I wept because it didn't work. 

But in those moments of sadness, I also wept because I saw those lines--God blessed me with being able to see 2 pink lines, I can actually say I 'can' make a test turn positive now (for a while I was beginning to think I wasn't capable of doing that!) I don't know why God choose this to end the way it did, but I know in my heart that it was for a valid reason. I will continue to hurt throughout the days, but the pain will eventually get better and fade away. I will never forget the happiness or sadness that those test brought me; but I am glad I was able to let them go...

It's a step to tomorrow...it's a step in the right direction...it's a step that God is helping me take!

Whats Next?

Good Question!

When I find out, I will let y'all know! 

I am sure we will pursue another IVF...at sometime. I'm sad to say it won't be anytime soon! It's not because we don't want to by any means; it's because we can't. 

The only reason we were blessed to be able to do this IVF was due to the insurance at my work; with our store closing we will lose that insurance and sadly we don't have enough time at this store to fit in another cycle. (I've thought about that--trust me)...we also won't be able to do cobra, we've checked into that as well. We've thought about another Talbots for the time being, but due to the fact that most of my insurance money has been used and this next cycle would consist of some out of pocket money the commute just isn't worth it....

So with all of that said, I don't know whats next for us. 

I do know that when God closes doors, He always opens new ones. So we might not know what tomorrow holds-but He does. The unknown paths in life can be quite scary, but with Him guiding us through this we can do it! I'm not quite sure why were presented such an opportunity, like having insurance for IVF, if it wasn't meant to be--however I am sure that in God's scheme of plans it was meant to end this way and was most defiantly an important chapter in our lives. We will look back on this one day and realize why this didn't work; everything will come together and make perfect sense...but for now as hard as it is, we just have to have Faith in the Big Man upstairs and trust in him as he guides us. He presented us the opportunity once, and if another IVF is in His plans for us we will be presented with the option to do another one. Until then, we pray and lean on each other for strength.

I do have to thank each one of y'all for your support, I have received an out pour of cards, emails, texts, calls, and so much love it's unreal! Zach and I really are humbled from the generosity of so many---many that don't even know us in real life-it's amazing the love and support we have. I really can't begin to explain just how much it means to us--how much everyone's kind words are helping to mend our hearts. We are blessed and we thank y'all for everything!

Life will go on...

Throughout the past 5 years I've held onto Faith, I've held onto God's hand as he guided me/us down the path that we needed to be on---I really thought this was 'our' path; although it was our path I thought it would be a little different.

We have gone through alot in these 5 years; especially within the past few weeks...endless amount of shots, bruises & knots that now linger, bloating and hot flashes galore, crazy emotions, and just an overall outer body experience--and as crazy as it sounds I don't regret any of the pain that we/I went through...this was by far the hardest yet most rewarding journey I've ever been through--I've cried more within the past few weeks (and days) than I have within the last 5 years...I know the tears are not over yet; they may come and go periodically throughout the days, but eventually they will fade away.

What no one knows, is I started testing around 7 days past transfer. I really debated if I wanted to or not--I had one test in my cabinet and decided I will just take it to see what it says, to my complete shock it was positive...after work I went to the store and bought 2 more boxes....I decided I would just test a couple more to see if my lines get darker or lighter---they kept getting darker; I was beyond shocked and was in major denial! I caved and tested with a digital, I remember thinking to myself just pop up 'not pregnant' as the hourglass went around forever...I sat it down, brushed my teeth and looked back...the 'not' that's always been in front was not there--- it just said pregnant...I didn't cry, I didn't scream...nothing like I thought I would---I stood there lost in time staring at the word I've longed to see... 'Pregnant'...

I went out to show Zach, both of us were so shocked...very cautious to be too happy, but very hopeful that our dreams were finally coming true. As the days pasted my test kept getting darker and darker...I was getting more and more hopeful---I've never in my life seen a positive pregnancy test, more less several in a row; was this really happening? Were we finally going to be parents?

Thursday the day before my beta I woke up and tested just like I've been doing, I finally found the confidences to not stand over it anymore and wait for the line to pop up, so I went about my morning duties and checked back in on it in about 10 minutes...it was extremely light--almost negative--my stomach sank. There is no way this is true, I just had a dark positive the night before--as much as I wanted to believe the test was faulty, my instinct told me it wasn't. Something deep down told me something was wrong, at lunch I rushed home and took 2 test, a regular one and a digital--I prayed for it to pop up pregnant, I begged & pleaded to God that the morning test was just wrong, but it had that ugly word 'not' in front of it---my heart broke and I lost it. How could this be happening. Why is this happening.

I tried to remain as positive as I could knowing that God is the only one in control--and anything could happen; but with that said I also was realistic knowing that my chances were slim to none...Friday morning I took another test---praying for things to be different---but once again it was negative...so off I went to get my blood work and wait for the dreaded call confirming my nightmare.

 It's awful knowing that your losing the best things that ever happened to you; it hurts more than anything in the world. I am beyond hurt. I just don't understand why this happened the way it did. I knew this would hurt....but I never knew it would hurt this bad!!

If I didn't test leading up to things would it hurt this bad? Probably not....but I am sooo thankful I did. Because for one week, although we were very cautious to be happy--we had hope. I've never seen a positive and although it didn't end the way I wanted it to I am thankful for those times, the fulfillment in my heart when seeing 2 pink lines, and the word pregnant...it's the most amazing feeling. 

I still don't understand things--but I have Faith, I will hurt for a while--but will remain hopeful that our Lord has a special plan in store for us. 'When God sends us on strong, bumpy paths-he provides us with strong shoes'

Life will go on....

It's Over

I had my beta today; came back at a 4...

It's over...

I go back Tuesday to make sure it's gone down then I will stop all shots...

I am heartbroken, beyond heartbroken....

Please keep us in your prayers, when I can see through these tears I will post about all of the details, but for now I just want to go crawl in bed and delete June 10th from my life...

Questions...

I get several questions emailed & texted to me daily...so I thought I'd answer a couple..

HOW DO I FEEL....

Pretty normal.....besides the awful sinus infection I've been fighting for 3 days now. I would say thats about the only thing I feel. My Dr's have been a little worried because I've had a low grade fever and we have to monitor that, and of course all I can take is Tylenol (which is fine by me, I don't think I'd take anything else if I could in fear of hurting my babies).

DO I FEEL ANYTHING?

Notta thing....but I'm ok with that. I know that several women don't have many symptoms at all, so I am not going to get myself worked up about not feeling anything...I am just going to continue to take one day at a time and let God take care of the rest :)

ARE YOU GONNA TEST EARLY?

Haven't decided...if I do I won't disclose anything on here (sorry ladies) IF I am ever so blessed to be pregnant we want to tell our families in a way we will all remember, not them reading it on blogger or face book. Sorry :)

CRAVINGS?

Yes I have been having them, however I've had them from the very beginning of my shots...I eat like a pig! My biggest craving is coconut cream pie, I could eat that daily...and hot fries sounded amazing yesterday...I am not sure if there called cravings or side effects from the shots, but whatever it is I'm surprised my butt hasn't grown twice it's size from the beginning...surprisingly I haven't gained any weight from all this eating!